I apologize for my dramatic post yesterday. Yet again I needed an outlet and the blog seemed as good as any.
I've been trying to work out why this past week has been so difficult. Have Ainsley's antics REALLY been that bad or is it me, the weather? Really a combination of them all I'm sure. No matter how or why, it has been hard regardless and rather than dwell on it I'm trying to make today as good as I can.
I find I am mostly sad. I am sad that Ainsley is acting out, throwing tantrums about anything and everything. Whining and screaming and lashing out. Truthfully I am almost worried. She seems so unlike herself lately. Moments, periods even of sweetness and solace occur and then some minute setback sends her into a tailspin. I can only hope that this is the worst case of cabin fever EVER and this too shall pass.
We have utilized a play dough ball to bang and rip at in moments of frustration talked LOTS with Daniel and Henrietta (the Mr Rogers puppets) made sure to get as much vitamin D as possible and I guess that's all I can do. I know she is learning, learning to deal with frustrations and disappointments. At the same time I am learning how to stand firmly but gently and keep our lives as even keeled as I can.
Louise has been such a godsend in all of this (don't worry, I don't tell Ainsley that :o). She is at this perfect baby age. 6 months old, sitting up (with the occasional topple over teeter), cooing, babbling and laughing away. She distracts us all and brings us back down to earth, reminds me of what's important and the joys of parenting.
Part of our recent hardships is that Ainsley is getting so big. Not just tall and lanky (but that too) but she is such a little girl now. She has gotten so good as asking for "help please" and "Ainsley help. Ainsley do it" She wants to do EVERYTHING herself and gets very flustered when she can't. She has an opinion about style, not just hers but mine and Louise's too (somehow Ian escaped this...he must dress immaculately in her mind). She wants to change clothes (and underpants) 5 times a day and wears the same skirt ALL the time. She is learning that life isn't always easy and fair and I kind of hate that. I wish it was, at least for her and Louise.
I am excited and hopeful right now. I installed the lapbar on the Bob this weekend so we are ready for walks with snack and drinks. It is cold, but the snow has melted making trips to the park possible again.
The other night I took a meandering walk with Ainsley before bed to get those last stragglers of energy out and we had a blast. I let her lead, we held hands, looked both ways at the intersections, found errant Christmas decorations and lights, wandering cats and benches, puddles and ice patches galore. At the end she got tired and I carried my dumpling on my hip, her falling off rainboots in my hand. We nuzzled and talked, loved and laughed. I don't ever mean my rants and frustrations to overshadow the fact that I love Ainsley more than words can express. I just wish that every moment could be more like this.
In the air of hopefulness we have a potential babysitter coming over Wednesday afternoon. I am excited and terrified all at once. How bizarre to get to go out with Ian WITHOUT the girls. For all my complaining I miss them already. Odd how that works isn't it?