It's 11:03 on Christmas Eve and I just wrapped my last presents. I was honestly surprised to see the few unwrapped gifts in the back of my closet tonight because as usual I started looking for and wrapping gifts right about after the 4th of July.
But it's always a race to the finish isn't it? No matter how much I've planned or how much I feel I've done, I'm always up late Christmas Eve. Last year Ainsley's Santa gift didn't arrive in time. This year I was awaiting ONE skein of yarn to finish a Christmas sweater for Louise. It came today so I guess it will have to be a New Year's sweater.
This morning I stirred around 4am. I had to pee as I often still have to do in the middle of the night (thanks 3 children for the crap bladder!) I snuggled back into bed under the soft brand new flannel sheets I bought for 20% off at Target with a black Friday coupon (go me!) and I couldn't for the life of me calm down to get back to sleep. I was too excited about today and my Ainsley girl's 10th birthday.
10 years ago Ian and I were flat on the queen bed in the alternative birthing room at the local hospital ogling our new baby girl. She was born around 9:30 pm, after probably 10 ish hours of labor and 45 minutes at the hospital.
My most vivid memories of that night were Ian driving on the shoulder of the IKE through downtown Chicago to bypass Christmas Eve city traffic and get us the F$*! home because it was our first baby and who knew how long we had?! Then I got home and things slowed down so I took and bath. Then my water broke. Then we high tailed it to the ER. Then I was throwing up and out of my mind in pain and ran down the hallway from triage to delivery between a transition contraction when the nurse told me I was 9.5. I had to start pushing on the bed which was not my plan because the midwife hadn't arrived yet. Then she came with a santa hat on and I leapt into the tub and Ainsley was born POOF like that. I got a candy cane afterwards.
I remember thinking Ainsley might have down syndrome when I first saw her. She looked so funny to me. In retrospect I'm pretty sure I was in shock from the super fast birth and that she was my first and the first of anyone I knew so I hadn't seen a fresh newborn pretty much ever.
Ian and I were so young. 24 each. It all felt so surreal.
The next morning my family came and brought us traditional Christmas morning egg bake and caramel rolls and it was the best food I'd ever tasted.
We opted to go home before 24 hours because I didn't want to sleep in the hospital another night. I wanted to be home with my girl.
I remember driving home on Christmas Day and looking for a place to stop and grab some food for dinner but nothing was open, not even McDonalds. I still don't remember what we ate that night.
Up until that exact moment Christmas day was the most sacred "don't mess with it" holiday for me. I grew up with picture perfect uniform Christmases. Wake up, run down stairs with sisters to see Santa gifts and undo stockings, crackling fire, orange juice and egg nog, presents galore under the tree. Spend all morning unwrapping and trying on and playing. Eat brunch of sausage egg bake and caramel rolls, play and lounge the afternoon away. Prime rib or beef tenderloin for dinner, fancy dress attire, sleep sleep sleep.
That year everything changed. My baby was born on my favorite holiday and I can't remember one moment of remorse. She made me grow up so fast.
Tonight I'm looking back 10 years and seeing so vividly how far I've come. I can breathe through complete chaos (sometimes) yak yak yak about all the work to be done (really quadruple yak) and simultaneously truly really love putting the effort in for the people I love.
I probably won't sleep tonight. I am too excited to give the gifts I've put so much thought and time into.
I am too excited for the hope of tomorrow and the chance to finally get it right, to finally extricate all the bad stuff inside of me that's holding me back form who I could be, who I want to be.
Christmas then New Years, then NEW. I'm so ready this year.
Monday, December 24, 2018
Wednesday, December 5, 2018
My Chains
In case you want to listen to some great music once you've read the first bit...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkTsbbrFQEg&index=2&list=PL9cpYnkl2A41SiIh6gCqhIYfauMerXlP7
When I was a girl my mom used to take me and my three sisters to the Lorie Line Christmas concert every year. We'd dress up and go to dinner on the way to downtown, usually Olive Garden; microwaved Italian never tasted so good. We'd park and feel so cultured walking in our Sunday best to the Orpheum theater.
I loved those concerts so much. We'd jingle our limited edition, just made for that years' concerts, holiday bells. Us 5 ladies singing away and enjoying the anticipation of the Christmas season to the fullest. What wonderful memories you made for us mom.
Now I still listen to Lorie's Christmas albums. I play her music on the piano. Each time remembering the magic of those concerts and how much my mom LOVED her music.
I married a man who is the most objective person in the world when it comes to music. I? just love when it gets me in the gut; when it's connected to something or some time that mattered to me.
Fun bonus fact? Lorie and her family went to our church growing up and once in a Blue Moon she'd play for the congregation. Talk about celebrity sightings! Wayzata is practically LA! ;o)
So here I sit anticipating another Christmas. My children all in the perfect stages of big enough to love and get it, still young enough to believe it all.
Christmas has morphed for me so much in the past few years. The child like giddiness is all but gone but in it's place is a calm and steady desire to simply enjoy this season and share in the joy and share THE joy as much as I can.
Our remarkable interim pastor started out advent season preaching about reflection and regret. We were handed tiny chain links upon our entry to the sanctuary and the service started with a jarring and amazing soliloquy by a gifted parishioner of the Jacob Marley speech from "A Christmas Carol". The sermon later stated that while our economy would love you to see the time before Christmas as solely a time to purchase and plan and buy some more, our hearts and our God want us to look back and think hard about the parts about us that we don't like; the things we've done and said that we wished we hadn't; the chains we've forged in life.
After the service I joked with Ian "well that wasn't relevant to me at all."
Of course it's relevant, to us all. We live in a time where everyone is trying so desperately to put their best food forward. I mean I have a preschool mom taking her daughter out of school for a month so she can get a boob job for goodness sakes! (seriously trying not to judge you guys, but a boob job?!)
I personally can think of a multitude of regrets. Times I haven't handled things well, yelled when I shouldn't have, really damaged relationships and not done the right thing at all. Worse yet are the bad patterns and habits that make these regrets regular occurrences. Depressing right?
Truthfully I am so thankful for the frankness of our new pastor. He talks about the hard things which is teaching me that by talking about, and dealing with, the hard things, we grow and we get better.
It feels good to be allowed to be contemplative and a bit sad this time of year. As adults we know the long winter is coming, we know that at any turn life can change and life in the best and most beautiful of circumstances, is still hard. We look at the children around us, seeing the magic and pure joy, and feel simultaneous glee and despair. We know we can never feel that pure magic again.
Yet the circle of life lets the magic live on in our children.
Louise had a poetry assignment earlier this year that started and ended with her first and last names, in between she filled in lines about her personality. Her first line stated that she was spiritual. I've never heard her use that word before. I was so filled with joy that she feels and acknowledges that about herself.
I can newly acknowledge my spirituality as well. I can also recognize my faults and downfalls and at the same time my strengths. How can I break the chains I have forged?
I know I can start with this Christmas season. We can have our joy, but first we must have our contemplation.
Define our regrets, change our ways, live in the most good and full ways that we can. THIS is the Christmas I strive for this year.
AMEN!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkTsbbrFQEg&index=2&list=PL9cpYnkl2A41SiIh6gCqhIYfauMerXlP7
When I was a girl my mom used to take me and my three sisters to the Lorie Line Christmas concert every year. We'd dress up and go to dinner on the way to downtown, usually Olive Garden; microwaved Italian never tasted so good. We'd park and feel so cultured walking in our Sunday best to the Orpheum theater.
I loved those concerts so much. We'd jingle our limited edition, just made for that years' concerts, holiday bells. Us 5 ladies singing away and enjoying the anticipation of the Christmas season to the fullest. What wonderful memories you made for us mom.
Now I still listen to Lorie's Christmas albums. I play her music on the piano. Each time remembering the magic of those concerts and how much my mom LOVED her music.
I married a man who is the most objective person in the world when it comes to music. I? just love when it gets me in the gut; when it's connected to something or some time that mattered to me.
Fun bonus fact? Lorie and her family went to our church growing up and once in a Blue Moon she'd play for the congregation. Talk about celebrity sightings! Wayzata is practically LA! ;o)
So here I sit anticipating another Christmas. My children all in the perfect stages of big enough to love and get it, still young enough to believe it all.
Christmas has morphed for me so much in the past few years. The child like giddiness is all but gone but in it's place is a calm and steady desire to simply enjoy this season and share in the joy and share THE joy as much as I can.
Our remarkable interim pastor started out advent season preaching about reflection and regret. We were handed tiny chain links upon our entry to the sanctuary and the service started with a jarring and amazing soliloquy by a gifted parishioner of the Jacob Marley speech from "A Christmas Carol". The sermon later stated that while our economy would love you to see the time before Christmas as solely a time to purchase and plan and buy some more, our hearts and our God want us to look back and think hard about the parts about us that we don't like; the things we've done and said that we wished we hadn't; the chains we've forged in life.
After the service I joked with Ian "well that wasn't relevant to me at all."
Of course it's relevant, to us all. We live in a time where everyone is trying so desperately to put their best food forward. I mean I have a preschool mom taking her daughter out of school for a month so she can get a boob job for goodness sakes! (seriously trying not to judge you guys, but a boob job?!)
I personally can think of a multitude of regrets. Times I haven't handled things well, yelled when I shouldn't have, really damaged relationships and not done the right thing at all. Worse yet are the bad patterns and habits that make these regrets regular occurrences. Depressing right?
Truthfully I am so thankful for the frankness of our new pastor. He talks about the hard things which is teaching me that by talking about, and dealing with, the hard things, we grow and we get better.
It feels good to be allowed to be contemplative and a bit sad this time of year. As adults we know the long winter is coming, we know that at any turn life can change and life in the best and most beautiful of circumstances, is still hard. We look at the children around us, seeing the magic and pure joy, and feel simultaneous glee and despair. We know we can never feel that pure magic again.
Yet the circle of life lets the magic live on in our children.
Louise had a poetry assignment earlier this year that started and ended with her first and last names, in between she filled in lines about her personality. Her first line stated that she was spiritual. I've never heard her use that word before. I was so filled with joy that she feels and acknowledges that about herself.
I can newly acknowledge my spirituality as well. I can also recognize my faults and downfalls and at the same time my strengths. How can I break the chains I have forged?
I know I can start with this Christmas season. We can have our joy, but first we must have our contemplation.
Define our regrets, change our ways, live in the most good and full ways that we can. THIS is the Christmas I strive for this year.
AMEN!
Saturday, December 1, 2018
This Moment
Ainsley May 9 (almost 10!)
My Ainsley girl, we're almost 10 years into this together and you've been you from the very start. You are still my imaginative creative vibrant girl. If you had your way you'd spend your school hours writing long stories with elaborate illustrations, making inventions, sewing and crafting, singing and dancing and acting.
You really dislike the structure of school and homework and math but you still hold your love of chemistry fiercely so you're mustering through.
You've taught yourself most of the periodic table and keep a book about it in your backpack at all times. You love any chance to share your knowledge of chemistry with others.
You love your quiet time watching "big kid" shows but are still so sensitive to most movies with anything sad in them.
You love to cook and bake and concoct mixtures with soap and glue and anything you can get your hands on. I still find hidden bowls of unrecognizable crud in your room or under the bathroom sink almost weekly.
You LOVE church and your friends there. You beg to come with me any chance that you can.
You are so excited for basketball starting up and being in your first musical at school this winter. I am excited for you too. I've had a hunch that theater might just be your "thing" for quite some time now.
You begged us to play the viola for almost 2 years and now that you finally are you are finding the practicing and slow pace tedious. As usual you want to be an expert right away and are frustrated that it takes so much work. We're making you power through until the new year (that's how long we rented the instrument for). I have my fingers crossed that you keep going. I think you could be great at it.
You struggle more than most kids I know with friends and school stuff but are so strong and somehow have maintained your spark through many situations of hardship.
You are growing up to be such a beautiful charismatic young lady with such a kind heart (when you want to show it to us ;o).
I love you this moment, sassy and big eyed, too cool for school and daily humbled, snuggly and sweet.
Louise Adele (8)
Oh Louise, you are, for lack of a better term, our little complex unendingly sweet and empathetic tomboy. Your style has erupted this last year and your shy smile when you tried on your first matching sports warm up suit was almost too much cuteness.
You very kindly and carefully told me a few months back that you really aren't comfortable in dresses so we've been finding alternative dress up clothes for you for church. Right now nice pants and a blouse or sweater do the trick but I think if I let you you'd just wear your sports clothes all the time.
You LOVED playing soccer this fall and was sad when it was over. You are excited to play again in the spring.
You're doing dance again and your dad and I have loved that one on one time with you on Mondays driving you to and from your two classes, sitting with you for the half hour in between doing your homework and chatting. What a special time with our growing girl.
You continue to be incredibly self sufficient You know what your homework is and what you need to do each day.
You are such a good sister and friend and it warms my heart to see you look out for others and play so nicely.
You love art and reading the most but also tackle your math and other work with determination.
You are so good at so many things.
We can't wait to see who you grow up to be.
I love you this moment, sporty and sweet, wise and kind, silly and scrumptious.
Felix Daniel (5)
Felix I cannot get over how much you have grown since we moved three years ago. You went from a tiny toddler who needed his blankie to get through the door of preschool to a 5 year old who's taken the bus to and from school all year without one peep of nerves or sadness.
You LOVE school. You are my little sponge right now learning so much and taking it all in.
You started reading last year when you and I worked on a book together and have been reading Dick and Jane every night for many weeks now. Each night you learn a new word or two and once you've learned it it sticks in your brain and you rarely have to sound it out again.
You are very into non fiction and love learning about anything you can about the world around you and history: dinosaurs, planets, insects, geology. You beeline for the nonfiction section at the library and are so proud to check out your books on your own card (though you make me carry them to the car :oP).
You played soccer for the first time too this fall and loved it just as much as Louise. You love your sports clothes just like your big sister and would wear athletic shorts and T shirts every day if you could. I finally broke down and bought you a pair of compression tights to wear under your shorts so you can wear them all winter long.
You are a happy boy. You are so silly and laugh all the time. You are definitely the most social of all of us and want to be playing with friends every day after school. Lucky for you one of your best buds lives just up the street and another across the street so you're rarely at a loss for playmates.
Right now you are our little Jack of all Trades. You've recently gotten into art, you've always loved music and dancing, you're sporty and smart and friendly.
You can do anything you want in life buddy.
I love you right now, precious and little, big and growing, quick and smart.
My Ainsley girl, we're almost 10 years into this together and you've been you from the very start. You are still my imaginative creative vibrant girl. If you had your way you'd spend your school hours writing long stories with elaborate illustrations, making inventions, sewing and crafting, singing and dancing and acting.
You really dislike the structure of school and homework and math but you still hold your love of chemistry fiercely so you're mustering through.
You've taught yourself most of the periodic table and keep a book about it in your backpack at all times. You love any chance to share your knowledge of chemistry with others.
You love your quiet time watching "big kid" shows but are still so sensitive to most movies with anything sad in them.
You love to cook and bake and concoct mixtures with soap and glue and anything you can get your hands on. I still find hidden bowls of unrecognizable crud in your room or under the bathroom sink almost weekly.
You LOVE church and your friends there. You beg to come with me any chance that you can.
You are so excited for basketball starting up and being in your first musical at school this winter. I am excited for you too. I've had a hunch that theater might just be your "thing" for quite some time now.
You begged us to play the viola for almost 2 years and now that you finally are you are finding the practicing and slow pace tedious. As usual you want to be an expert right away and are frustrated that it takes so much work. We're making you power through until the new year (that's how long we rented the instrument for). I have my fingers crossed that you keep going. I think you could be great at it.
You struggle more than most kids I know with friends and school stuff but are so strong and somehow have maintained your spark through many situations of hardship.
You are growing up to be such a beautiful charismatic young lady with such a kind heart (when you want to show it to us ;o).
I love you this moment, sassy and big eyed, too cool for school and daily humbled, snuggly and sweet.
Louise Adele (8)
Oh Louise, you are, for lack of a better term, our little complex unendingly sweet and empathetic tomboy. Your style has erupted this last year and your shy smile when you tried on your first matching sports warm up suit was almost too much cuteness.
You very kindly and carefully told me a few months back that you really aren't comfortable in dresses so we've been finding alternative dress up clothes for you for church. Right now nice pants and a blouse or sweater do the trick but I think if I let you you'd just wear your sports clothes all the time.
You LOVED playing soccer this fall and was sad when it was over. You are excited to play again in the spring.
You're doing dance again and your dad and I have loved that one on one time with you on Mondays driving you to and from your two classes, sitting with you for the half hour in between doing your homework and chatting. What a special time with our growing girl.
You continue to be incredibly self sufficient You know what your homework is and what you need to do each day.
You are such a good sister and friend and it warms my heart to see you look out for others and play so nicely.
You love art and reading the most but also tackle your math and other work with determination.
You are so good at so many things.
We can't wait to see who you grow up to be.
I love you this moment, sporty and sweet, wise and kind, silly and scrumptious.
Felix Daniel (5)
Felix I cannot get over how much you have grown since we moved three years ago. You went from a tiny toddler who needed his blankie to get through the door of preschool to a 5 year old who's taken the bus to and from school all year without one peep of nerves or sadness.
You LOVE school. You are my little sponge right now learning so much and taking it all in.
You started reading last year when you and I worked on a book together and have been reading Dick and Jane every night for many weeks now. Each night you learn a new word or two and once you've learned it it sticks in your brain and you rarely have to sound it out again.
You are very into non fiction and love learning about anything you can about the world around you and history: dinosaurs, planets, insects, geology. You beeline for the nonfiction section at the library and are so proud to check out your books on your own card (though you make me carry them to the car :oP).
You played soccer for the first time too this fall and loved it just as much as Louise. You love your sports clothes just like your big sister and would wear athletic shorts and T shirts every day if you could. I finally broke down and bought you a pair of compression tights to wear under your shorts so you can wear them all winter long.
You are a happy boy. You are so silly and laugh all the time. You are definitely the most social of all of us and want to be playing with friends every day after school. Lucky for you one of your best buds lives just up the street and another across the street so you're rarely at a loss for playmates.
Right now you are our little Jack of all Trades. You've recently gotten into art, you've always loved music and dancing, you're sporty and smart and friendly.
You can do anything you want in life buddy.
I love you right now, precious and little, big and growing, quick and smart.
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