What Frederick Taught Us

 This post Christmas week is one of the strangest of the whole year for me.  The initial glee and pure exhaustion from all of the build up and secret keeping and memory making followed immediately by the let down.  Then the literal clean up, the most massive decor change over of the whole year in anticipation of a new year, the hope of a fresh start, a new beginning.

This year more than ever this all seems so vital.  What if I put up my new calendars, flip to January 1 and some kind of magic actually happens?  What if this pandemic finally begins to subside and life in 2021 can look more normal again?

I have hope, but sadness too.  I feel weary to continue to make plans for my children that might be cancelled, tired of having to say no to so many things, exhausted by the decision making and worry.  Staying home in our safe bubble feels like the most comfortable thing right now.  I think we'll keep doing that for a while.

One way I'm filling all of my extra time at home is planning my preschool lessons for winter.  My favorite way to plan is to focus on books, oodles and oodles of books.  Whenever I'm stuck I read and look at beautiful illustrations and the lesson plans just make themselves.

One book that I can't get out of my mind is Fredrick by Leo Leonni.  Have you read it?  It's about a mouse family preparing for a long winter.  Everyone is working so hard to collect food and make their shelter, everyone but Frederick.  Frederick is off daydreaming, dinking around.  I can FEEL the angst the others have that Frederick isn't pulling his weight.  Then winter sets in and they're all cozy and full in their home until the end of winter when they run out of food.  Again, I can FEEL the panic and worry the family feels.  Will they make it? What can they do?!!! Then Frederick perches himself on a stone and begins to tell stories.   The stories and memories and feelings that he collected while the others were doing their own version of preparing for winter.  You see, Frederick was preparing too.  He knew they'd need the memories of summer and warmth and abundance to get them through.  He collected that for his family and shares it with them, and you know what? They make it.

I too find myself drawing on memories more than ever lately. Memories of traveling from Chicago for Christmas, staying with my parents, staying up late every night drinking wine and hanging with my sister and brother in law who also traveled.  Memories of my own childhood Christmases, staying up all night in excited agony, the pure magic of Christmas fueling me when sleep couldn't.  Memories of travel; readying for study abroad trips in college, studying in Ireland and Italy and Germany.  Memories of fearless exploration and fun in new cultures and cities.  Memories of beach waves and hot sun and freckled dark skin. 

Winter has just begun.  It's long and dark and cold.  But we have sleds and skates and a fireplace and twinkle lights and memories, and just like the mouse family, we're going to make it.

Christmas Past, Christmas Presents

 How are you doing? Are you hanging in there?  Most days I feel foggy, like I need to put my arms in front of me and push away the slow current that's dragging me down.  I feel so lucky in so many ways.  My old Achilles heels, depression and anxiety haven't reared their heads.  My kids are still in person for school, me too.  Ians job is busy as ever and he gets to work safetly from home.  What more could we want from this strange and hard time?

I want to be thriving. I miss feeling inspired and motivated and capable.  I'm tired of drudgery and pollyanna-ing everything when I really just don't feel like it.  I miss church.  I miss cooking on Wednesday nights and singing together on Sundays.  I miss hugs (and I'm not even a hugger!).  I miss loud holidays with rooms full of people.  I miss not having to question everything.  I miss not having to sign waivers to take my kids to get their teeth cleaned.  I miss sports and music lessons and even playdates and sleepovers.  Winter hasn't even started yet.  I already miss summer.

But still the days move on.  How lucky am I to be here to witness the turn of the calendar?  My children still find joy in finding Jingle every morning.  They are so excited for Christmas.  

My joy is in my children.  I can close my eyes and remember the wonder of this season.  

Going to church on Sundays and watching the advent candle lightings.  Singing Christmas carols and practicing new Christmas songs on the piano.  When I'd master one I'd get to choose a Christmas sticker to put on the page.  My piano teacher was impressed with how fast I'd learn the Christmas songs.  "I've been practicing for months!" I'd think.  

When friends came to our house in December they'd get a candy cane from a ceramic sack with a red bow that mom always kept well stocked.  

We'd get two big boxes in the mail each year.  Both from Illinois.  One from my Grandma Rogers and one from our Gram and Bop.  We'd wait for permission to open the boxes and put the gifts under the trees.  Never too early or else mom couldn't find a good spot to pour water in the stand.  

We'd go to church one day to make secret gifts for our parents.  It was the most special thing.  The simplest gifts (toaster tongs, stamped flour sack cloths, painted berry containers) became extravagant because they were all ours to give and wrap, without any help or knowledge from our parents.  

On Christmas Eve we'd eat a simple but delicious beef and barley soup with homemade bread.  "The famine before the feast" Mom always said.  We'd dress up in our best Christmas dresses.  My legs were always so cold from the thin tights and the sharp Minnesota air.  We'd pile in our van and drive to church.  I'll never forget being old enough to attend the candlelight service.  Mom sang so loud and beautifully and dad looked glowing in his cashmere sweater.  Hot wax always managed to drip down someones hand.  We'd giggle and sing and sit and soak in the magic of that most anticipatory night.  Then back into the van we'd go, so excited to put out milk and cookies, no matter how old we were.  On the way home we'd look at Christmas lights, always finding at least one neighborhood with blocks and blocks of luminaries lining the streets.

I had such a magical Christmas childhood.  I often wonder why I feel so much pressure to do so much this time of year.  I find when I turn off the computer and really sit with what matters in my heart I know that we don't need much to have a special holiday.  We are already so lucky this year.  Our greatest gift is each other.

Still this is the gift giving season and I love gifts so much.  I love finding the perfect things for the people I love and this year, more than any other, I vowed to do my best to support small businesses while shopping.  I'm not making nearly as much as I used to these days.  I did manage to knit one new thing per nuclear family member this year but other than that I'm saving most of the homemade gifts for birthdays.  I am so thankful for wonderful entrepreneurs and artist who make fabulous things that I'm so excited to give.

My favorite small businesses that I shopped from this year.

Orchard Farm Soap

   Such incredible apothecary items (everything smells amazing! My faves are the lip balms, face balm, and any of the soaps)  Shipped incredibly fast. 

Dig and Co.

  I've been following Nici since Ainsley was a baby and her store has grown so much.  She carried items from other small businesses, ships same day (or next) and has so many unique and wonderful items.  

Acorn Toy Shop 

   I narrowed my cart down at this store to a few choice items but really could have bought so much more.  This shop captures my whole toy aesthetic.  Such wonderful, quality, heirloom items.

Weird Birds

  Another artist run shop with some of the cutest items I've ever seen.  I've ordered from her a handful of times now.  I'm always so pleased with what she makes. 

Uncommon Goods

  Maybe not the smallest business but it's not amazon and it gives me great ideas.  I found some great things for the people who were stumping me this year.

Sarah's Silks

  giant playsilks and wooden fort clips are the theme of my child gifts this year.  I love the durability and versatility of simple beautiful playlists.  (and I don't think anyones ever too old to build a fort or dance around with a ribbon wand either)

Exclesior Bay Books

  this is our local bookshop.  I've placed numerous orders here over the course of the pandemic.  I find the prices are usually very close to what you'd pay on amazon and I so want this little shop to survive.  I'm happy to pay a few extra dollars to support this amazing independent store.

Super Smalls

   I believe I found this shop through an Instagram add but it didn't disappoint and I know a certain niece who I think will be very happy with her beautiful awesome costume jewelry.

Feed My Starving Children Marketplace

   We used to go here with church a few times a year and they also have a small marketplace with items from independent makers from other countries.  The proceeds support these makers and provide meals for their program and are beautiful and unique.  So it's a win win win.

I hope you all are able to find joy in this strange hard season.  I know just writing this and remembering the wonderful Christmases of my childhood has helped re-center me on what matters most in this season.  Do what feels good right now and hang in there.  2021 is just around the corner.