In the Interim

Interim in college meant adventure.

Freshman year it meant an everyday health class to knock a science credit off my list, meaning TONS of time for friends and chill fun.

Sophomore and Junior years I took classes abroad.  Catholic Rome, Lutheran Wittenburg and Irish Literature.  Leaving freezing Minnesota in January to explore other countries and study REALLY hard and write long essays by hand with pen and paper, and eat gelato everyday and accidentally drink Irish coffees at noon before class, is highly highly recommended.
Ooh, order the house wine in Italy too, and the house specialties in restaurants where you don't speak the language, and pack as much underwear and fabreeze as your tiny suitcase can hold. #lifelessons.

Senior year I took interim off and traveled with my family.  We went to Big Sky for a week of skiing and snow-catting in Yellowstone, then a week with just my mom and Aunt in Sanibel, taking chilly walks on the beach and furnishing my aunt's new house on the island.  My last week that January was at home, anticipating my final semester of college, day dreaming and regular dreaming about when Ian was going to ask me to marry him.  (He asked me in March, we got married August 10th.  5 month engagements are totally awesome and do-able.)

There have continued to be many interims in my life.  Those first 9 months waiting for Ainsley to come, waiting to be a mom.  The summer in between preschool graduation and Ainsley's first year of kindergarten when I knew life was going to forever change (it did).  The month between when Ian accepted his job in Minnesota and we actually moved.

Even the tiniest of interims can be impactful.  Weeks in between activities, every single summer and spring and winter break, long weekends where afterwards you look at you kid and realize they've somehow gone from little girl to young lady in those 3 days.  Sometimes I don't realize we were in an interim until we're out of it.

Right now I'm in an interim that feels big.

Felix is done with preschool, forever.  The girls are out of school next Thursday.  I've bridged the gap between the last day of preschool and the last day of elementary by putting Felix in every morning cooking and science lab his school offered.  It's nice for him and me, but the cadence is different.  These quick mornings are flying by.

In this interim my boy doesn't need me as much even when he is at home.  He's usually tired from a morning of fun at school and is content to watch some Pokemon or swing outside on his own.  I don't need to plan out our time together like I used to.  I'm sad and relieved for this interim of moderate independence.

Once the girls get off the bus next Thursday this interim will be over and the summer interim will start.  Quick weeks of camps will break up our days and get us out some mornings when we'd rather just laze in jammies all day (there will be lots of those days too I'm sure).  Long weekends at the cabin will rejuvenate and refresh us and challenge us too.  I always love seeing what new trick the kids learn in the water over the summer.

For the first time ever Ian and I are taking a trip alone this summer (there was one two night trip to Duluth when I was pregnant with Felix that I'm not fully counting because of the windchill factor and because I couldn't drink beer and was kept up at night by a kicking baby).
Ian has a conference in Cape Cod (I know!!!) and we're piggy backing on those two nights with two nights in Boston.  I fear I may just glide through June letting the kids survive on balogna and fruit snacks while my head is in the clouds about 5 days alone with my favorite man.

I've made no qualms about how hard life has felt, this past year in particular.  For reference I've been in a REALLY good mood for about 5 days and Ian has said much more than once "you're just so pleasant to be around!".
It's been bad.

When we were in Florida I remember one night when we'd had a great full day but some issues at bedtime and with listening in general that were threatening to spiral me.  I grabbed a tall glass of wine and plunked down on the couch next to Ian.  I let myself just sink into this man next to me and feel the wave of gratitude for his steadiness and love in my life.

For me it's been important to remind myself of the steady people around me.  I really struggled to make good adult friends in Oak Park and by the time I finally had we'd moved and I was so devastated to have to start over.

I kept reading about how important friend relationships are for adult well being and it honestly crushed me.  I can take vitamins and work out and drink water and go to bed at 10 but the thing that I was being told was most important was so hard for me to attain.
I feel so fortunate to have moved back close to family where my sisters and my mom continue to be my best friends.  I feel even more fortunate to have found such a wonderful community at church with women I can pray and drink wine with.

For me it ended up being about getting out of my comfort zone and letting my head do the talking.  I started going to moms group every week. I said yes to helping out in ways I knew I could. I called my sister when I just needed a good cry, I took a moment to really look into my husband's eyes.

We don't all have the same support system but today my prayer is that we all have someone and if you feel like you don't perhaps today is the day to open your eyes and really look at who's already surrounding you.

I think we're all in an interim most of the time.  These times of anticipation and change can be so challenging.  But, surrounded by our steady people, may we steady ourselves and just sink into the goodness of our lives.
Ahh.  I feel better already.

Next Season

May has arrived and with it the snow has finally melted. The 40 degree temperature swing has been delightful and jarring.
I went from painting the whole first floor of the house because we were STILL stuck inside with snow to GET THAT GARDEN PLANTED NOW!  I even had a gentleman at the garden center tell me "you should know better, it's too late to plant violas".  Thank you kind sir.  Isn't one of the only perks of adulthood getting to make your own bad decisions?!
Especially regarding violas I think this should be so.

We are expecting our first days of true spring rain and I can't wait.
I love rainy days.
There is so much I still need to do inside and those new seeds of mine outside can't wait for their shower.

I'm finding myself pulled so greatly into my making lately.
At church a group of moms decided to spear head a time each week for people to gather in quiet just to work on their crafts.
 Last Friday I painted for TWO HOURS, UNINTERRUPTED.
The week before that another friend asked for a painting date and I got the first layer of a new acrylic painting underway.
It's been years, literally, since I've made/found the time for that kind of making in my life.
Now I crave it daily.

I've decided that my thirties, for me, are all about accepting myself as I am now.  It's been so easy for me to get caught up in who I was years ago, rather than look at who I've become.  Especially with the girls in school now I think often of myself as I was as a student.

It still feels shocking to me when I forget an appointment, remember a pick up time incorrectly, post a bill late.
The Becky I knew for 20 years would never have let that happen.  But that Becky was also pretty miserable.
I cared way too much about things that didn't really matter and drove myself crazy with worry over truly insignificant things.
It's maddening now to have a child that could literally give less fucks about her 5/10 on a spelling test, but it's weirdly refreshing too.  Third grade spelling doesn't really matter.  I know this.  I'm bummed she knows this, but it is truth.  She already knows things it's taken me decades to figure out.  Of course theres a flip side to that, but that's niether here nor there.

One of hardest things for me about aging is shedding my sensitivity and just letting go.  There is so much in my life that is out of my control.
I feel it everyday when I know I am pouring myself into my kid who struggles to behave and make good choices.  I can't choose for her.
I see it when I spend a whole preschool morning cleaning and organizing only to have it undone in minutes upon the kids' return from school.
I see it when I wake up with the best of intentions, drink my coffee and then the dog barfs twice in Louise's room and the morning goes to shit.
It's hard not to feel like you're doing something wrong when life isn't perfect.

But my making can be all mine.  I can draw the lines the way I want them and choose the colors as I see fit (unless it's a color by number which I honestly find incredibly satisfying..."look! I'm doing it RIGHT!!!")
It's something I've worked hard at learning to do well, something I'm always learning at.  It's probably the one thing in my life that I feel a spark of pride in.  Yes I did make that.  I NEEDED to make that.

So here's to this next season.  I think I'm finally ready for it.