This New Life: Mom Guilt

My blog writing seems to be out of control lately (in frequency mostly). I attribute it to the long naps the girls are taking on these seemingly endless dreary indoor days, and the complete lack of contact with the outside world, namely other adults for me. This blog has really become my outlet. A way to connect with others, feel heard and get a little feedback when needed. Thanks for tolerating me and my long windedness this winter...here's to spring! For so many reasons.

As I was feeding Louise her breastmilk laced sweet potatoes at lunch today I was stricken by a wave of uncontrollable guilt. (As an aside I have discovered that the only way Louise will eat baby food is if I express a little milk in it for her...makes all the difference in the world and she can't get enough) Ainsley was happily "playin' in da sink mama...no splashes, don't you worry mama" while my back was turned. I suddenly felt a stream of warmish soapy water drench my head and neck. "Ainsley May!" "I a sorry mama, I a sorry!" I scooped her up hard and plunked her in the time out chair, set the timer for two minutes, and laughed out loud.

Oh Ainsley May. It's been a trying week, as we all know from my last post. But it really has been great. I feel like Ainsley and I keep reaching these new levels of our relationship. She wants me to put her to bed every night because we have our "thing". She snuggles down while I read her my choice book and we finish with her reading of "Dear Zoo". She'll run to me without request and lay a big kiss on my cheek "I love you mama". We tease and giggle with each other. Talk about "when you were a baby Ainsley May". Discuss our plans for the spring. How we are both SO antsy to get outdoors for more than 15 minutes. How we can't WAIT for Florida, the sun, the beach, the water, all that fun. We love each other, and it's not just that one way parent new baby love, it's mutual and it's amazing.

Louise too is emerging, slowly but surely from that new baby stage. She is SO docile and mellow, but lets her voice be heard (in adorable squeals, coos, ba's and da's and belly laughs, lots and lots of belly laughs). She grabs at our faces, clings to our arms, smiles proudly when she sits before teetering over with her toes in her mouth. Reaches and stretches for objects just out of reach rolling over and then back when the effort is too great. I am so thankful for my easy going gal (and hope that tooth breaks through soon so she can return to me at night :o).

Now for the guilt.

To make a long story short (and you probably already know this if you followed my blog for a while) we started Ainsley on organic formula at 6 months old. It was a devastatingly hard decision but it had to be done. For one, she had teeth and BIT me all the time. Pumping really didn't work for me (as she nursed ALL the time) so I never had a break and I desperately needed someone else to feed her, to be able to go out for more than an hour at a time, to not feel chained to my baby's mouth. It was all very dramatic and dire and I'll admit that after all was said and done, I regret it.

I pride myself on giving my children the best that I can, on putting my needs last on the list, like most parents. Breastfeeding was really hard with Ainsley for some reason, relatively traumatic at times. I hurt, I felt trapped, for a relatively immodest person I was surprised by how invasive it felt, especially in public. We traveled a lot with Ainsley as a baby and I'd hide away in rooms for discretion, missing out on so much, or so I felt.

Ainsley is proof that she is no worse for the wear. She LOVED the bottle and by 8 months was done with me completely. She is healthy and vibrant, rarely gets sick, and despite her slightness is a ball of energy and surprising strength. So why the guilt?

Personality maybe? I carry things with me for far too long. I still break down weekly about Louise's ordeal from birth. Like there is something I could have done differently to prevent my sweet baby from being poked and prodded for the first 4 days of her life. It is absolutely traumatizing for me on a very regular basis.

And now here I am with a very healthy 6 month old, unsure of our next step. To be "fair" to be "even" we should start her on formula. But I don't feel the need. Sure it may be more of a pain with our upcoming trip. Sure it would be nice to have a few feedings a day "off". But I don't NEED it like I did with Ainsley.

I feel a little stuck. I want to give our girls the best, but also the same. I am worried for some crazy reason that Ainsley will know, that I gave Louise "more" than I gave her. But did I really?

What Ainsley needed was independence from the get go. I was re-reading her baby book today and at 3 months I wrote (in not so many words) that she HATED being held, that she only wanted to be on her own, on her tummy, playing by herself, figuring it all out. Ainsley loved the bottle because she could control it, she could put it to her lips, guzzle and throw it when she was done. She would get so agitated nursing sometimes, biting and pulling to get it to come out faster.

Louise LOVES to be held and snuggled. She still just nurses for comfort sometimes. She takes her time, savoring our quiet nursing moments together. Even when she has a bottle she drinks slowly, methodically, pausing to make eye contact and grin. Nursing is so easy with Louise. Should I feel bad about that?

At any rate I don't think we'll be starting Louise on formula anytime soon. Perhaps we'll make it all the way to a year, like I had planned and hoped for with Ainsley. While I want them to have the same I understand that they are different girls, with different needs, and I'm different too. I was a different mom with Ainsley than I am with Louise now. I think Ainsley's forgiven me. My little pal knows I've always done my best.

A little bit of sister love caught on camera...