My Best Self

What a day. I am currently listening to Ian struggle upstairs with Ainsley for bedtime. Some days it never ends.

The day started off well. Ian's moderate hangover from five beers to "keep warm" last night at the Twins/Sox game couldn't damper his glow from witnessing a Liriano no hitter and aftergame high five. His glee was contagious. The sun was breaking through the clouds and I was excited for a full morning at musikgarten followed by a picnic with all the moms and tots.

Then I tried to do too much this morning and set Ainsley off. I trusted her for the first time to play by herself in her room while I showered fast like lightning with the door open. She ran amuck and made mischief until my patience was gone. My fault, but a rough start nonetheless.

Musikgarten went well. She was snugglier than usual and very quiet. At the park she refused to keep her shoes on and ran like a wild child, never letting me stay in one place long enough to talk to the other moms. At the picnic she literally would not sit still. She'd grab a bite of sandwich and run circles around the big open field, testing my boundaries and patience again. I tried to keep my cool but it was hard. I ended up strapping her into the stroller so I could feed Louise and sit for more than a minute. We were the first ones to duck out when I knew I had reached my limit. She fought the whole way, then calmed and napped at home only to wake up in one of her terrors. This was one of the worst ever. A solid 45 minutes of inconsolable screaming. I ended up putting her in her room and then calling Ian and my mom, more for a listening ear than anything. With my mom I broke down. Some days are so hard.

I have been thinking a lot lately about my "best" self (and no I have not been watching too much, or any, Oprah). Who that is and what that means. Just when I thought I'd found her, I feel her slipping away. To my credit I did rally. After Ainsley calmed in her room I put the day behind me and slapped a smile on my face. We put up a tent in the backyard and played with dolls and dirt until Ian came to rescue me. I just still wish that the day hadn't gotten as bad as it did in the first place.

What would my "best" self have done differently? Not much. Short of not losing my temper this morning with Ainsley I felt like I did all that I could. Sometimes the ball just isn't in my court. It's so hard not to be in control sometimes.

So I've decided that I need to focus on what I can control and try to let go of all the other stuff. I am desperate to get back in really good shape and hoping to get more exercising in now that the weather has turned. I want to have patience all the time with my girls and be the mom that they need me to be. I want to be that wife, you know, the one who has dinner simmering on the stove the moment Ian walks in the door and an uncapped bottle of beer in hand, not because I want to live in the 1950's, but because I love my husband and he works hard for us and he deserves it (and don't worry he makes and pours the coffee for me every morning whehter I have dinner ready at 5:30 or not). I want to put my needs on the back burner, not because I don't matter, but because I'm a mom and that's what mom's do. Most of all I want to be ok with that.

While I've typically scoffed at the "live your best life" sentiment, there is something to be said for giving it your all. At the end of the day, not matter how bad it is, if I can look at myself and say "you tried your best" I feel a little bit better. I tried my best today Ainsley. I really hope tomorrow you try your best too.