Weekly Winks: A Need to Be Known

I'm having one of those days. You know them. Struggling with whether to submit to the gloom and doom or charge ahead with determination and optimism. I'm having one of those days where it is glaringly obvious that I am anxious and introverted...and I hate it.

My sister was in town the past few days. We just dropped her off at the Oak Park El stop. I was sad to see her go. Not just because she is amazing with my girls, but because her leaving is another slap in the face to how ALONE we are here. Whenever someone I love comes and then leaves I am reminded of that and there is always a void, a huge gaping hole. Sometimes it closes fast and others, like today I fear, it pains and lingers.

I'm realizing that I can make new friends, and have, great ones. I have people to lean on here that aren't Ian and a community that I love. But it's still not the same as those people that know you deep down and wholly. Those people can never be replaced. You know who you are in my life and I miss you.

I've been thinking a lot about this need to be known without explanation or introduction. It's been spurred on by this amazing book I'm reading Someone Knows My Name by Lawrence Hill. It's about the "beginning" of the slave trade to America in the mid 1700's and follows a young girl, Aminata, who is snatched from her village in Africa and endures countless horrors both getting to and existing in America. What strikes me most though is that this character is not so affected by the horror, but by the culture shock, the lack of people surrounding her who KNOW her, where she's from, what she's about. She clings to the few people that survived with her in the crossing because she needs to have that connection with home and who she is.

I of course (and thankfully) have very little to compare with Aminata's story, save for the need to be known. Here I feel like an outsider. It's crazy I know, but I do. Minnesota seems countries away sometimes. Whether for good or bad, I miss running into people that I've known since childhood, elementary school friends, and family friends, and work acquaintances that I will always feel connected to because, well we are connected. They knew me when I was one of the "bigger" girls and had braces, and fell out of the "cool" group and wore Target brand shoes because my mom refused to buy me the trendy expensive ones (I've never thanked you for that mom, but thank you, for real). They knew my family and my sisters. They saw me work at Caribou and date weird boys. They knew I ran cross country and loved art and was a total nervous goody two shoes who NEVER drank in high school. I miss people knowing me without me telling them who I am.

Perhaps the salt on the wound is the impending holiday. I so crave being around those people that know me best (and love me anyways :o). Throughout our courtship (if you will) and marriage Ian and I have tended to celebrate with one family or the other. Last year Ian's dad was in town and I was too sick and pregnant to care much that there wasn't much ado. This year I am so thankful that my best friend is flying all the way from Texas just to spend Easter with us.

::Winks::

We are going to have a great time. I know that. We've had a great time in fact. This week, despite the sniffles, headaches and fevers has been great. For one, Ainsley got her first bike and loves it, even if her little legs can't quite reach the floor.

She wears her stickey outey tongue smiley faced helmet with pride and "wanna rida bike mama, mama HELP PLEASE!" We're practicing, she's getting it. It's great.

In other astounding news our little Louise is standing (with support) and loving every minute. I've heard of those babies who just kind of skip crawling and wait to walk. I'm not putting money on it yet, but she is definitely in the running. She loves to pull herself to stand while holding our hands and can play forever at her little activity center that Grammy and Pop gave her for Christmas. She beams with pride from her new vantage point and I beam too. She also grunts and coos and laughs and FREAKS OUT whenever she sees her food or bottle (or me during nursing time for that matter). She could eat ALL DAY LONG. I love it. My little baby is getting so big (and old too :o).

::Winks::

Once Auntie Joojie came to town we relished in the extra hands, hugs, and energy. Despite the cold we braved the park and had a blast. We picnicked in the living room, made Easter sugar cookies and decorated eggs. We ate LOTS of pink velvet cake (I didn't have enough red food coloring, whoops!) and just loved having her around. We miss you already Joojie!

In lieu of buying yet one more stuffed animals for my girls for Easter I am knitting some AND I found a new Etsy shop with ADORABLE hair thingys for babies and girls. The shop is Bloomz and I couldn't be happier with the stuff I got. I of course caved and had to try out Louise's new headband immediately. As a rule I am against baby headbands. I personally don't like the look of a huge fake flower on a cute baby head, but felt and buttons and small and adorable I can TOTALLY handle.

This year we tried dying a few brown eggs too. We liked some, not so much others. The set up took way longer than the actual dying. Toddler attention spans get me every time. We still had fun though and at the end of it all Ainsley was quite happy to help me consolidate the dyes "just happy dumpin' mama".

So the week has really been good. I'm just in a slump right now, this minute, while I look at our mess of a house and wait eagerly for the arrival of my best friend tonight. I forced myself to motivate enough to get some laundry going, bread in the bread machine and chicken dumpling soup on the stove. The house smells warm and comforting, the rain continues to fall, but the birds are chirping anyways. Perhaps I'll have to take a page out of their books. It is the season of hope and rebirth afterall.

A very happy and BLESSED Easter to you all! and thanks again for the listening ears.