Something Profound

With all of the little life updates and photos I've been posting lately I've found I've been craving a more profound post, but struggling to do so. I am SO tired, going to bed later than normal with friends and sisters to chat with, and waking up in the middle of the night to feed a STARVING growth spurting baby. It's been raining for weeks LITERALLY, and I am so drained.

But I am also SO good. I remember posting a few weeks back about being smitten with Ainsley, with my girls, my husband, my life. That sentiment has lingered so long that I am confident that it's here to stay.

I talked a lot with Lisa this past weekend about life. How we always want, dream about, what we don't have. How our ideal is always not what it's cracked up to be and SO MUCH HARDER. I write so much about the trials of parenthood, raising my fiery Ainsley May in particular. Having Louise has solidified so many things to me. That children truly are unique and their own from the start.

I have gone through a sort of grieving process with Ainsley. I remember calling my mom in those first months, SOBBING because it wasn't what I thought. I loved my daughter, I cherished her and was so thankful for her, but the whole experience was so different than I had imagined. She almost never stopped screaming or moving. She never wanted to be held or snuggled. Everything was on her terms, not mine. Talk about trial by fire.

Then I had an epiphany. During my weekend with Louise I calmed, reflected and vowed once and for all to let go of the baby, the toddler, and now little girl that I was expecting Ainsley to be and accept and love her for who she is. The moment I stopped fighting it it's been a whole different world.

I've found this place of patience and understanding that I thought I'd lacked. I've tapped deep into that mom-ness that I always knew was there and am slowly becoming the parent that I know she needs and that I want to be.

In doing so I have learned so much more about my girl. That she's much more sensitive than I had imagined. She wants her space and to try things herself, but needs strong boundaries and rules. She is so polite and caring, really only acting out when she's overtired, craving attention or "fwustwated mama". She is active and energetic, loves to dance and sing. She's creative and thoughtful and willing to try just about anything I throw at her. She's a challenge, but I wouldn't change a thing about her.

Part of the grief I felt for so long was wrapped up in my shortcomings as a parent, that I wasn't who I thought I was. I lost my temper and grabbed her arm. I'd scream into pillows and put her in her room to keep her from seeing me break down. I thought I was stronger than that. Turns out I am, it just took me over 2 years to get there.

It has been weeks since I lost my temper in front of her, or really in general for that matter. I have found that all that counting to 10 and taking deep breaths when I'm fuming has become second nature. I just keep reminding myself that I am the parent and that she is two. She needs me to be the strong one, so I am.

I was worried there for a while that I wasn't meant to be a stay at home parent. That it wasn't going to fulfill me completely, or that more importantly, I wasn't as good at it as I thought I would be. If the last few weeks are any indication, this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I feel like we're all thriving, the nerves and crazy frustrations have left the building. I feel capable and strong, and like a real mom. It's empowering. It's the best.

Just this morning we were faced with another dreary day after a wakeful night. I woke up to hear Ainsley and Louise fussing in unison. I had a moment in bed, took a deep breath, put my metaphorical mom pants on and descended to the day. It's been exhausting but good.

I kept Ainsley busy with sensory activities in the kitchen while I finally cleaned out the fridge and Louise napped. We drove to the library to return books, play with new friends (there's always a new friend at the library, today it was a 4 year old Madison, and a Minnie Mouse doll), and find some new gems. Louise LOVES books, practically exploding with joy as I open the first page. She loves the colors and anything she can touch and feel. We read a lot these days and I love it.

Now the rain continues to fall and while I secretly lament the loss of yet another day outside gardening, biking and bubbling, I won't let it show. We're going to try a new play dough recipe made with Jello mix, bake some banana buttermilk crumb top muffins for Ian's first committee meeting on Thursday (send good vibes please!) and scamper around the house as we continue to clean up from our week of visitors and fun and prepare for Auntie Sonya's arrival in a few short weeks (we can't wait!).

Today I am thankful for my patience, for Ainsley to motivate me on the dreary day, for Louise's belly laughs and smiles, for new books to linger over, good smells coming from the kitchen and a waterproof basement. Today is a good day. I hope yours has been to!

*the girls are napping so I'll post some photos later