Louise will be 6 weeks old on Thursday and I feel mostly like my old self. I'm able to go out for long walks and do moderate workout tapes without feeling like I'm going to die, and I've gotten relatively used to the sleep deprivation, thank you coffee and catnaps!
Initally stepping back into full fledged parenting felt amazing. I was SO ready to get up and "do my thing". Now life is feeling plain exhausting. Yesterday we went grocery shopping in the morning and to Target after Ainsley's nap and I literally thought I was going to pass out by the time Ian got home. Today we've gone for a long walk and I took Ainsley to the park. When we got home we played in the basement while I attempted to organize the back room full of boxes and clothes and moved a bookshelf...again, already feel like I'm going to keel over.
Yes I still may be doing too much, being overly ambitious and stubborn, but my sweet little Ainsley May is not making matters any easier. I find myself getting so frustrated and upset with her. I KNOW she is not even 2 years old, but I also know that she hears me and is testing boundaries and sometimes just being a pill to spite me. I'm her mom, I can see it in those big brown eyes. I feel like the past week or so things have really gone down hill with her. She is still very sweet with Louise (aside from the occasional swipe to get my or Ian's attention) and we definitely have our moments when I muster up the energy to chase her around the house and rough house on the floor. Other than that I feel like life with her has become a constant struggle and I am really sad about it.
EVERYTHING, from eating, to changing her diaper, to trying to use the potty, to following any kind of directions is a struggle. Again, there are moments of helpfulness on her part, but they seem so few and far between. I know that her gaining her will and independence (who am I kidding this girl has had it since birth) is a good thing, but it is exhausting when you're trying to take care of another little one and get anything done around the house.
I feel like I turned a corner being on bedrest. I need our house to be clean ALL the time now and it drives me nuts when it's messy, but I can't always find the time to pick up and clean and when I do Ainsley just undoes everything. There are still a number of things that I'd like to get done around the house, painting, small fix up projects, that I feel will never be conquered. I have all these projects that I want to do for the holidays, not even that many for me, but again I feel like it will never happen. Right now I am just this slave to cooking and cleaning and keeping Ainsley out of trouble. Thank goodness that Louise is as undemanding as she is. But then there's that, I have such guilt about not getting to spend the time with her that I want. Other than nursing her the poor child is on her playmat or bouncer all the time. I know that I've said all of this before, but I 'm just having such a hard time coming to to terms with not getting enough time with my sweet baby. And then I find myself resenting Ainsley for it a bit, when I know in my sane mind she is just a toddler, doing what toddlers do.
I'm struggling to hold on to the sweet moments. The "hold mama"'s and "hug!"s. It's just been a long week, and it's only Tuesday afternoon.
Your paragraph about life with Ainsley sounds like an exact description of my life with Everett. I tried to take him to our favorite cafe yesterday and he had an absolute on-the-floor breakdown when I asked him to pick up the blocks and crayons he was playing with. I struggle with figuring out if I put him in time-out, help him do everything, just wait for him to decide to do what I ask, etc. It is really hard being the mom of an almost-2-year-old! Hang in there! I need you to inspire me! ;)
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that this too shall pass!! You're doing a great job--just remember not to ask too much of yourself and get as much sleep as you can. Reinforcements arrive this weekend!!
ReplyDeleteI saw Liz comment on your link so I decided to read your post and I can totally relate to your postings. I have a 3 month old and a 2.5 year old and have the same tantrum struggles and feelings about giving too little attention to either one. It seems to go in waves. Hang in there, taking care of two kids is a workout and exhausting. If you ever need to read a blog of someone going through the same thing, feel free to check mine out www.theholwayfamily.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteAlso, I have been using the Fuzzibunz all in one one size diapers and have been very happy with them. Hopefully your week gets better.