I had a rough day yesterday.
It started out dark and rainy, which I actually enjoyed. I love the occasional rainy day. We stayed in pajamas longer than usual and snuggled under blankets and read books on the couch. Then the rain kept up and I realized that we wouldn't be able to go to our musikgarten class. It was raining so hard that I couldn't imagine how I would get both Ainsley and Louise to class without drenching one, both, or all of us. The day went downhill from there.
For those of you who didn't know, I used to suffer from depression and still struggle with anxiety. I made the decision to go off medication when I was pregnant with Ainsley and have been off it ever since. There are moments, or days (like yesterday) when I wonder if I still need something to help level me out.
I have learned to cope with my sometimes debilitating anxiety. I can talk myself out of a panic attack, I (used to and will again) run regularly for the natural endorphins, but it's still exhausting to keep in check.
Then I became a parent. I have been surprised by how much my anxiety has decreased. Perhaps if you can give birth naturally twice and be a stay at home mom of two you can do anything? (I say in part jest). Perhaps it's that now my anxiety is justified. Of course I should panic occasionally when I'm stuck in crazy Chicago traffic with a screaming toddler and a hungry infant, or when I haven't done laundry in a week and I've run out of onesies and the dryer is making a funny noise like it might explode from overuse.
In addition to this justified anxiety, I've found that it's necessary to have anxious, depressing days (as horrible as they are) to make the good ones great. Today I woke up with a resolve to make today better and so far it has been. Louise slept 7 straight hours for me last night and Ainsley slept past 6am making for the first relatively "good" night of sleep I've had in months. We've done three loads of laundry, walked to musikgarten and back, read books, sang songs, and played in the basement. Ainsley just got up from her nap and after snack and "train show" we're going to check out the toddler park by us that Ian claims Ainsley can't get into any trouble at. I'll be the judge of that! :o)
I think the midwives said it best. If you're not wanting to leave your baby in the middle of the road for a stranger to pick up and take care of because you think they'd be more well suited than you, you're doing alright.
Today is better than alright and who knows? Tomorrow may be the best yet.
Love this post! Thanks for sharing your vulnerable thoughts. This whole parenting thing really does foster great self reflection and commitment to make things good, but it is TOUGH most days for various reasons -- most of which we cannot control. Keep up the good work, Becky!
ReplyDeleteHey Becks, just at thought, and you might already be doing this, but supplementing Vitamin D has been shown to keep the 'blues' at bay. Especially for us extremely deprived northerners! Those rainy days have more than just the psychological effect, they lack the sunshine that enhances your mood :).
ReplyDeleteI was never diagnosed and I don't think I ever would have qualified for clinical depression, but I do know I've definitely had the seasonal affects of being down and had those moments post & pre-natally. Vitamin D seems to help keep me level. Anyways, just a thought! I'm glad today was better!!
Oh and this is Abby...I switched admins on my blog and now apparently I show up as my Doula thing...haha sorry if that was confusing!
ReplyDeletethanks Jen and Abby. I used to take extra B vitamins to help, but I haven't tried D...good to know!
ReplyDeleteOh Becky- you are doing more than alright- you are awesome. I am sorry that you had a bad day- they really do suck. I pray that you can get back to a routine that will help you find balance dear. Hugs.
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