Rough Day

Soooo.

Last night went surprisingly well. I had a burst of energy from the "break" I got at my 2 week postpartum appointment. The 30 minute wait was a welcome respite from the chaos of the past few days.

I really can't complain. Ainsley has continued to do so well with her new little sister and Louise continues to be as undemanding as a newborn can be. While the sleep deprivation has started to take its toll my body is healing much better and I'm starting to feel like my old self again.

Even so, I am getting tired. Nearing my the end of my first full week back in action I am reminded of the glory that a Friday evening brings. Ian home for the weekend, time to bathe and do maybe one thing on my to do list without Ainsley and her antics underfoot.

Of course this lovely Thursday morning we wake up to rain. I was actually excited to have an excuse to stay indoors with the girls. The past three days have been filled with outings, walks, and excursions to the backyard and park, all fun but immensely more physically and mentally draining then they used to be with just Ainsley. The morning went well. I put up Ainsley's dome "house" which she LOVED. She hauled all of her blankies and her little kitchen inside and spent the morning playing and running around the house. We even baked a banana cake to enjoy for dessert and Ainsley played in the sink with water and bowls while I measured and mixed.

Unfortunately she was awoken early from her nap by the trucks outside repaving our street, aiding in the crankiness. Thankfully Ainsley is obsessed with trucks (and cars, and trains, and anything that moves or beeps when it backs up) and stood happily munching on her snack while watching the pavers in action by the window.

With the end of the paving came the trouble. Ainsley was all over the place, deliberately testing boundaries and defying well established rules (climbing up chairs, turning electronics off and on, balancing precariously on chairs and tables, putting buttons, coins, and rubber bands in her mouth...the list goes on and on). It was exhausting trying to give Louise any kind of attention and affection whilst keeping Ainsley redirected and occupied. When Ian walked in the door early (thank goodness) I quickly pawned our sweet little toddler off on him for the remainder of the evening.

It has been bizarre and wonderful having another baby, but one emotion that I did not expect was so much guilt. First the guilt of Louise being born early and having to be poked and prodded in the nicu for 4 days. Then the guilt of missing out on so much time with Ainsley while on bedrest and in those first critical days of Louise's life. Now I have guilt that I can't have the same experience with Louise that I had with Ainsley. I remember fondly those first weeks with Ainsley taking naps on the couch, staring at her sweet little face, lying on the ground next to her little playmat during tummy time. I am lucky if I get to squeeze Louise's hand while feeding her, otherwise she is usually in either her bouncer or swing while I chase after Ainsley. While I certainly have enough love to share between the two of them, time, hands, and stamina are a completely different story. I already agonize over not spending enough time with either of them and know that Ansley's acting out is a direct result of having to share her mommy time. I know that we will all find a balance soon. Until then I'm hoping a Target run tomorrow to get a few fun new things* for Ainsley will entice her to at least let me nurse Louise in relative peace and quiet.

*As a general rule we don't buy Ainsley toys "just because". I truly think other than her 1st birthday and Christmas I have bought maybe one or two things for her. I'm hoping the unexpected treat of getting a few new things and bringing them out only while I'm nursing Louise will be a fun new routine we can get into. Any other suggestions for taming the wild beast are welcome.