Let's Get Real

We're pushing 3 hours for Ainsley's nap so we'll see how long I have!

This morning was Louise's 1 month doctor's appointment. She is 10 lbs 13 oz! I new she was bigger than Ainsley was but good golly! She's already grown out of all her newborn clothes and the 3 month sizes are fitting like gloves. I'm mostly concerned that she's going to grow out of her cloth diapers before Ainsley's potty trained (although she did poop in the toilet for the first time the other day so things are looking good).

I can't believe how fast Louise and Ainsley are growing. I'm going through some old pictures right now, FINALLY ordering prints from the summer and Louise's first month. Ainsley looks like a whole different baby, I'm sorry, girl.

She has grown up so much. It is rare now when Ian and I can't decipher what she's saying. She's at this perfect stage of baby-ness (wanting to snuggle and "hold" us, babbling away, telling elaborate stories with her hands and sound effects) and big girl-ness (helping out with Louise, knowing when she's being out of line, being able to understand when we explain something to her). I just can't get over how much our level of communication has grown. It's amazing.

But what this post is really supposed to be about is getting real.

The biggest change I've noticed in the past month, being a mom of two, is that I actually, FINALLY, feel like a mom. I know I know, but Becky, you have a 21 month old. You've been a mom for nearly two years, more if you count being pregnant. I can say now that I never truly felt like a legitimate mom. I felt like a poser, akin to the 12 year old boys carrying around skateboards, wearing baggy pants who have no real "skills". I felt like everyone could see through me. I was an impostor.

Then Louise came along and I just feel amazing. I feel calmer, like I know what I'm doing. I'm not running to her room every 5 minutes at night to check if she's breathing. I realize that she will indeed survive if she doesn't eat every 2 hours (clearly :o). The best part is, I'm one month into this whole mom of 2 business and I'm already more productive and active than I was for months after having Ainsley. I used to be so afraid of how I was viewed. "Look at that mom taking her newborn out in the cold...what is she thinking?" "Will that woman please shut that kid up!"

Now I just don't care (ok, maybe I still care a little). I just feel more secure, more settled in who I am as a mom.

I'm not a hard-ass as it turns out. Ainsley taught me early on to pick my battles. Ian actually tolerates far less than I do. Pretty much if she's not hurting herself or other people and is being polite and kind I let it slide. I'm sure this will change as she gets older, but with this girl I have to have some leeway or I'd be saying no every minute of every day.

I'm not supermom. Trust me, I'd LOVE to be. Heck, I grew up with a supermom. Ian's mom is a supermom. Maybe I'll get there, but I'm definitely not one now. I can't do 12 things at one time, nor do I want to. I like being physically active and productive but I need my down time too. You'll find me knitting on the couch watching a good show or movie just about any night in lieu of folding laundry or cleaning, and I'm ok with that.

I'm not a gourmet chef. For some reason it took me 3 years to come to this conclusion (thank you Ian for understanding and putting up with my many failed attempts). While I will always love to make a new complex recipe a Thursday night after chasing after Ainsley all day and changing 15 diapers and keeping the house in some semblance of shape is not the time to do it. I've resigned myself to stocking the pantry and freezer and flying by the seat of my pants most nights. It's working for me and so much less time consuming.

I can't train for a marathon (not yet at least). It'd probably be a good idea to be able to jog 1 whole mile without feeling like certain body parts are going to drop out of me, before dreaming of 26.2 (and maybe be able to fit into normal pants?). I am still salivating for a good 5 miler, but for now will take walking to and from the park, musikgarten, and close errands with my girls in tow.

I'm not Martha Stewart and I will STOP biting off more than I can chew (in the DIY department). There is a reason that there are stores for things called presents. I can't hand make everything and honestly it doesn't save me much money and certainly no time, in the end. My girls will survive with one new hand knit sweater and hat each.

I know that I will relapse from time to time but for now I feel confident in who I am as a mom, a person. I am still figuring it out as I adjust to having two, but I am so thankful for this break in the delirium that was my idea of motherhood. We're all surviving, thriving and doing great. I'm happier than I've been in a long time!

I'm off to take something out of the freezer for dinner, and I'm totally ok with that.