No More Slack

I'm going to try something here, hang in there with me.  It's called total and complete honesty.

I've felt like a bad mom lately.  By lately I mean roughly the last 11 months and by bad I mean not doing my job well.  I have not been good at planning our days.  It really hit me how bad I've gotten when I saw all the Facebook updates from mom's listing off the great things they did with their kids on these snow days we've had.  I did nothing.  Seriously.  We played with play dough, popped a tent up, and watched three movies.  I've let the girls watch way too much TV and movies just so I can get some things done or sit myself because I'm so tired all the time.  I plan about two good meals a week and the rest seem to be whatever I can throw together at the last minute (or worse, have Ian pick up on the way home.)

Ainsley has a cavity.  I finally took the girls to the dentist before Christmas.  After almost a year of agonizing over if it was the right time to go (I was so worried that Ainsley would be too scared and that ti would be a bad experience) I waited too long.  Now she needs a filling and I just feel sick with guilt about it. (Though we brush twice a day and help her brush and were told by the dentist that these things happen, lots, it's no big deal.) It feels like a huge deal and I'm so so sad about it.

I have almost no videos of sweet baby Felix.  I finally got out the video camera for Christmas and neglected to get any videos of Ainsley on her birthday either.  I am feeling so behind with keeping up with photo taking and archiving the kids lives.  I hate it.

I'm worried about school for the girls.  I am so anxious about kindergarten next year for Ainsley that I lose sleep at night sometimes.  I'm not worried about her academically, I'm just not ready for her to be gone all day 5 days a week.  I don't know how I'm going to be able to let her go.  It feels real raw right now.

I am so depressed about my body.  I worked so hard to get back into awesome shape after Louise was born and this third sweet baby of mine completely stretched me out.  I have my first stretch mark that's deep and long on a slack tummy with skin that just won't seem to go back to where it used to.  I've tried my best to exercise when I can but I'm just so dang tired all the time.  It's so hard to find the strength to do it.  I feel like I'm having an out of body experience when I look at myself in the mirror. Fine lines, dark eye circles, pudgy droopy middle.  This isn't me.  I don't know where I went.

Man.  This post makes it seem like life is horrible, huh?  But it's not, not at all.  It just helps sometimes to admit that there are some bad spots, some sad spots.

So now what am I doing to fix it?

Well, first, I'm not letting myself off the hook anymore. It's a slippery slope when I can think to myself "but you have three little kids and tiny baby you're still nursing who isn't sleeping well.  Cut yourself some slack!"  No way man, that hasn't been working for me at all.

What does work for me is making it better.  Is remembering the mom, the woman I was even a year ago and doing my damnedest to get her back.  To remember that doing it is always better than not doing it and wishing that I had.

Today I took the girls to school after a long 2.5 weeks off.  The morning was rough.  Ainsley was nervous about school and her dentist appointment tonight and taking it out by way of a silly sippy cup fiasco.  We talked through it and made it to school on time.  The girls left no problem, I ran to the bank with Felix and to the bakery to get our bread for the week.  Rose and Jeanne were there and both gave me new years hugs.  While rose sliced our two loaves we talked about Christmas and after I shared how wonderful ours was she shared that hers was "a bit gloomy".  Her mother is dying of cancer.  They spent Christmas with her in the hospital sure that it was it.  It wasn't and now she is home and every moment they are waiting for the moment when she passes.  I looked into that sweet woman's eyes who's never been anything but happy and cheerful and complimentary of me and my sweet children and something in me flipped.  What the hell do I have to whine about?

I thought about Rose a lot this morning.  Said a quite prayer for her and her mom as I drove Felix and our bread home.  Felix napped all morning and I got to work.  Laundry, dishes, picking up, addressing the last christmas cards.  I worked until 10:52 when I had to go grab Felix and pick the girls back up.  Today I didn't hurry them.  It took us until 11:30 to get back in the car.  Ainsley was bursting with joy about her day back at school.  Ice painting! and sharing with friends! and the stories of new toys!  Louise was joyful too.  Something about a wooden donut that they got to paint?  Who knows, but she had a great morning.

We came home and danced to music while I made lunch.  Then we made snowman snacks (yogurt decorated with yummies to freeze and eat later).  Then we voted on our new chapter book to start reading.  Mrs. Piggle Wiggle won hands down.  We got in jammies and read a whole chapter before nap time.  EVERYONE NAPPED.  Felix woke up first, we snuggled and stacked his favorite cups. Then I played him some songs on the piano while he sat on my lap and banged the keys along with me.  Ainsley bounded down the stairs ready to go.  I hugged her.  "I love that you wake up so happy and ready to play".  We checked on our frozen snowmen. She wanted to wait for Louise to eat them.  We took out guess who and played.  It was the first game she did all by herself with NO help and we both ended up with the right people.  It was awesome.  WE called Auntie Joojie to tell her how great her gift was.  Then we all sat down to eat our snowman snack.  It was  COLD, but good.  Then Ainsley started getting ready for her dentist appointment.  She was all suited up for the cold a half hour before Ian got home to take her.  They went, I make spaghettios with tiny cut up hot dogs for Louise.  I was a bit too keyed up to eat.  I asked her to say a little prayer with me for Ainsley and her tooth.  She calmly replied "No mom, God already knows."  It was a frustrating hilarious conversation.
I gave Louise and Felix a bath and then Ainsley and Ian were home.  No filling, yet.  Our dentist wasn't comfortable giving Ainsley a novacaine shot and referred us to a pediatric dentist.  I was sad it didn't get taken care of but glad that he didn't do it if he wasn't confident about it.  Ainsley didn't mind at all and her tooth isn't hurting her so I'm letting it go.

That's what it's al about right?  Letting it go, rolling with the punches, all those things.  But it's also a little bit about making your own magic, digging deep, and staying true to the rhythm that works for you.  This new rhythm feels good.  I'm glad I'm not giving myself any more slack.