Baby Ainsley

After dinner tonight Ian took Ainsley to the park to put those last energy bursts of hers to good use. Upon their return he informed me that she had a new phrase "nigh night baby". This is actually a song that my mom sings to her frequently. When prompted she sang the phrase and my heart melted. She has always been enamored with music and songs, like most babies I assume, but has just recently started singing all on her own. Twinkle twinkle little star and the isty bitsy spider are also in her repertoire.

I have felt so far removed from parenting lately. Being limited to activities that can be done while lying down on the couch has greatly diminished what we can do together. Ainsley has been wonderful though. She has done so well with my mom, and everyone who has stopped by. She is growing so independent and self assured.

One advantage to my couch activity limitation is that Ainsley knows to come to me when she's tired, or wants to snuggle. At least once a day I'll play her favorite computer game with her (the abcs on starfall.com...amazing, if not a bit repetitive after a while, probably why Ainsley loves it). She also toddles over with a book or two to read over and over and if she's really tired she'll snuggle to watch a show. Today she fell asleep in my arms while we watched our umpteenth episode of Blues Blues (thank goodness for instant netflix). I try to cherish these moments as much as I can because I know all too soon it will be harder and harder to get these quiet moments with just Ainsley, or heck, find the time to lay down at all. I'm feeling a bit emotional tonight about Ainsley growing up, and losing my quality time with her.

One thing that all of this bedrest really robs me of (other than muscle mass and sanity) is the adjustment period of pregnancy. I remember with Ainsley the transition from "don't come yet, don't come yet" to "PLEASE COME RIGHT NOW" was overnight and jarring and when she actually was born I was in denial until she was about a week old. With this baby I feel like I've had even less time to actually come to terms with having another baby. I still have to be in the "don't come yet" state of mind, when in a normal pregnancy I would be long into the "can't wait to meet you, so excited you're almost here" phase.

I have been trying to start switching states of mind slowly because I want to be mentally prepared for this baby. Ainsley's birth happened so fast and unexpectedly that I didn't feel like I was really present for her first moments. I have a hard time recalling anything other than the shock of what was happening. I mean for goodness sakes the child's head was bruised from shooting through the birth canal (the midwife likened it to a plinko chip charging down a plinko board on the price is right...great analogy). While I have been told by numerous people how lucky I am to have had such a swift first experience with childbirth I don't think many people consider the flip side. I had no time to adjust. From the moment my water broke (at home) to the time Ainsley was born was 1.5 hours. I had to go through the whole triage monitoring business while in transition, talk about traumatic. In retrospect I am actually glad that I had to go back to the hospital for the steroid shots a few weeks ago so that I could see the hospital again because I don't remembers it at all. I was there for less than 24 hours with Ainsley. This time I am hoping to recognize the signs of early labor and get right to the hospital so that I can check in and have a bit more of a relaxed experience. I want the midwife there the whole time rather than the last 10 minutes only. I want to remember everything vividly and while I know lack of pain medication can make this difficult I am determined. At least it gives me something to focus on right?

Alright little baby, no coming out until your Grammy gets here tomorrow afternoon. After that it's your call. I can tell that you're big and strong because I am so sore I can hardly walk and when you stretch out you are kicking both my left hip bone and my right rib. Let's hold out for the tub though please, if nothing else it will muffle mama's screams :o) Oh childbirth, I can hardly wait.

I'm hoping that post baby all of my posts won't revolve around baby related things. It's my life though, what can I say?

So close to the end... PLEASE!

Week 35. Just about out of the woods. Amazing.

I've decided that pregnancy is a lot like your senior year of high school. You start off all pumped up, optimistic and eager, quickly followed by the harsh blow of reality (in high school - tons of homework, crazy busy schedule, applying for colleges; in pregnancy - exhaustion, nausea, mourning the loss of your good friends beer and wine). Halfway through you find yourself relatively relaxed and content. "I can handle this, no big deal" You can't even dream of the graduation (birth) day that seems so far off, so removed from reality. Then comes spring. Making a decision about what to do after the impending graduation (birth), feeling all at once completely unprepared for the real world (baby) and itching to get (the baby) out. I am definitely in late spring here.

I forgot all of the little nuances of late pregnancy. I think it all gets clumped together in that "momnesia" they talk about mostly associated with the whole giving birth, recovery thing. (I have a feeling that first "real" contraction is going to be quite the rude awakening accompanied by the sentiment "I remember this...oh sh**!")

For one, I am huge. Last appointment I weighed what I weighed when I gave birth to Ainsley. I would chalk it up to a larger baby, but we don't know that yet for sure. Secondly, I feel horrible, seriously, like I have mild stomach flu all the time. I can't really complain because I never got morning sickness with either pregnancy, but heck, I'm going to complain anyways. Because of this wonderful nausea and tummy trouble I haven't had any appetite (going back to the whole being huge issue this may not be such a bad thing) but when your empty stomach is growling at you and the baby is begging for food and NOTHING sounds or tastes good and you want to throw up immediately after eating it's a little rough.

I am reminded of talking about being anxious to give birth a few posts back (or on multiple posts) and consoling myself by saying that I remember with Ainsley I reached a point where I was just done being pregnant, so done, that I could care less how much it hurt to get her out of there. Well folks, I am there...SO READY. Give me 12 more days to be officially full term and you can bet I'll be doing jumping jacks and running stairs.

I am dying to sleep on my stomach or really just lay down in any position other than on my left side. I want to eat a normal sized meal and not feel like I am going to explode. I want to enjoy my cup of coffee in the morning without the crippling heartburn that inevitable follows. And while we're on the topic of beverages, don't even get me started on how wonderfully amazing a cold pint of Newcastle or Smithwicks would taste. I want to be able to climb the stairs without shooting pains down my groin. I want to be able to see my feet when I stand up and be able to cross my legs when I sit down. I want to wear pants that button and shirts that don't stretch. Pregnancy is truly just a complete surrender of your body to your unborn child.

I have packed and repacked my hospital bag over the past weeks, sometimes to give myself something to do and other times out of necessity. I've taken out the teeny tiny preemie hat and booties I knit because even on a 5 lb baby they would be too small (thank heavens for that!) and replaced them with a going home newborn outfit and cotton hat. I've had fun going through my nursing tops and deciding which ones I'll be able to squeeze into right away. I even went through a box of shirts to find some that would work for those first few weeks when I still have a belly (I'm not even opening the pants box until the baby is a month old, too depressing otherwise).

It's getting close and I am getting so excited. It feels so good to be excited rather than terrified. The baby and I are still holding out for the tub. Yes even in the heat we've been having it's my preferred birth plan. I'm planning on sitting up a bit more in the next two weeks to get some last minute things done in the nursery and around the house (art on the walls, cleaning and organizing). I do feel like this baby will come sooner rather than later though. I can't wait to meet her!

On a completely different note, Ian and Ainsley have been outside at our neighborhood block party all morning and are having a blast. Ainsley's already gotten a fat lip (she recovered well and seemed more annoyed to have to come inside briefly to get cleaned up than she was about the injury) and changed into her swimsuit to play in the pool that's sitting in the middle of the street. I just heard the firetruck pull up so that should be fun and she gets to eat her favorite food, HOT DOGS, for lunch. I so wish I could be out there with them. Too bad it's 95 degrees out and when I stand up for more than 5 minutes I feel like the baby is going to drop out of me.

Whoops, I was switching gears and not complaining anymore wasn't I? I'm huge, bored and pregnant. You'll forgive me right?

Bedrest Limbo

I have been surprised and pleased by the response to my last post. It never ceases to amaze me that my uncensored stream of consciousness writing sometimes hits a chord with others. Apparently a lot of people struggle with their own life choices as well, and the whole "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. Good to know I'm not alone. Thanks for commenting!

My mom is leaving this afternoon to head back to Minnesota for a long weekend. After 4 full weeks of waiting on us hand and foot I think she deserves it. I keep telling her she should pack up everything, rather than just a weekend bag, in case she decides she likes her old life too much and doesn't want to come back. She's assured me she does, but I would understand otherwise.

This past week has been harder than previous weeks. Now that the baby is big enough that she would most likely be just fine if she was born (and even get to come right home!) I am struggling with lying down and taking it easy. At the beginning when I absolutely HAD to it was easy. Now that there seems to be more wiggle room it's harder.

I am still knitting a lot and enjoying watching some old favorite shows (Felicity, Friends), and some new ones (Pushing Daises), while doing so. It is growing increasingly difficult to not get up to clean and organize, especially to take care of tasks that I know won't get done for months once the baby is born (cleaning out junk drawers, my desk, the buffet etc.)

I'm obviously excited to reach full term (37 weeks, 2 weeks from tomorrow) but am preparing myself for an anticlimactic arousal from the couch. My body is completely shot and even though I won't HAVE to lay down anymore I know that I still will be sitting around a lot because I am huge and my muscles are weak from all of the laying down. I also am already starting to feel SO ready to have this baby. I am so huge and uncomfortable and I know that if I make it to 37 weeks I most likely won't have the baby right away and will be waddling around for a while still unable to do much. I still hope this is the case though, as opposed to the alternative. It's just a weird state of limbo to be in.

Ainsley was up extra early this morning (5:38) so I'm looking forward to a little nap later, other than that it will be another day of sitting and knitting. I'm currently working on a red fall sweater for Ainsley and a teal felted stocking for the new baby. I'm starting to doubt my ability and motivation to finish all of my projects before the baby comes. We'll see!

Life Choices

Broad topic I know, but I'm sitting, well laying, here with nothing but time to think. Perhaps it's because today is Ian's and my third anniversary, or at any moment we will welcome our second child into the world, or most likely because I've spent way too much time on facebook and reading blogs, comparing my life to those of my peers, but its got me thinking.

My life could be in so many different places. I could have chosen to pursue a career instead of a family. I could be anywhere in the country, or the world, working hard, staying out late with friends, drinking my fair share of good wine and dark beer (oh how I miss you). I could be surrounded with my friends on a daily basis, social and exhausted for very different reasons than chasing around a 19 month old and growing another one (baby, not 19 month old....even a peanut like Ainsley would be hell to give birth to). While I am completely happy in the life that I have chosen I can't help but think what my "other life" would be like.

I miss my friends. Yesterday my mom bumped a framed picture collage I'd made while trying to navigate our twisty 85 year old staircase and baby gate and it fell to the ground and broke. I looked at it closely for the first time in a long while as it was propped on the buffet, astounded by how much my life has changed since those college years a mere 3 years ago. I feel blessed to have made many good friends in college, the kind of friends that last a lifetime. I just never realized how soon I would test those bonds by being so absent and unavailable, aka becoming a parent.

The schedule/life of a parent is completely different from that of an independent 20 something student or member of the workforce. The times when I'm available to chat are before 8am or after 8 when I never want to talk because I am bone tired and it is my only alone time with Ian. Naptime is too sacred to spent any other way than working out or napping, or eating, PERIOD. So sorry I never call, friends. Perhaps with baby #2 I'll figure something out.

I was reading a blog the other day of a girl I don't know personally, but have followed for a while, expecting her first baby in a matter of weeks. In her latest post she wrote a letter to herself in 6 months, essentially reminding herself of who she is now and prompting her soon to be mom-self to stay true to this person. I had a strong, negative, reaction to her post. People who become parents expecting nothing to change DRIVE ME NUTS. It's one thing to be naive, and another to be in blatant denial. I don't think anyone can anticipate how being a parent not only changes your day to day life but who you are, but I am here to tell you it will change you in every possible way.

Take me for example. I had been surrounded by babies and kids my whole life, self proclaimed champ babysitter/nanny, taught 7 years of summer preschool, worked as an aide for kindergarteners for a year and a half and I felt COMPLETELY unprepared for the changes when Ainsley was born.

It is hard, and not just the changing, breastfeeding, crying, soothing, exhaustion of the first few months. The changes to your life and who you are or were, are the hardest.

I remember going to a 3 day Upward Bound retreat as a transfer student counselor with a group of incoming transfer students the summer before my junior year. After days of testing both my physical and mental limits to the max I was amazing by the evaluation I was given by the UB leaders. Apparently I was a born leader, calm in trying situations, intuitive and a good problem solver. Umm, hello, have you met me in the past year and a half? I have never felt LESS of any of these things in my life. While it is helpful to look back and remember who I used to be and what I used to be capable of, my bar is set at a whole new level.

Instead of spending hours reading for fun, knitting, going for long runs when I have the urge and meeting friends for coffee, I long for a quick cat nap, an hour to myself at night before crashing, and the motivation to get through at least 2 10 minute yoga exercises. In short, life has changed.

I too have changed. While it took some getting used to, I can hardly remember what my life used to be like before Ainsley. I don't know how I entertained myself or stayed busy during the day.

I know I'm jumping all over the place here (forgive me, the lack of oxygen to my brain from lying down and advanced state of "mom brain" are apparent) but my point is simple. I chose this life and while it has been an adjustment and I suppose there's a part of me that will always be a little jealous of my friends getting to go out (or do anything) on a whim, I love my life. Nothing could be more fulfilling to me than seeing Ainsley learn and grow (she now "fake" laughs when we're laughing and is really getting into being a little prankster...such a comedian) and sharing each day with the man I love. Just a few thoughts.

Auntie Weekend

What a great weekend. Julie and Jenny came in from Minnesota for the weekend. We all had a blast. Ainsley is in love with her aunts, and Grammy too of course. Here are some snippets from the weekend.

Ainsley's new favorite game, learning letters on starfall.com. Her favorite letter is "e".

Getting her big toes painted by Aunt Julie. She also loves helping Grammy put on makeup in the morning, and a little eyeshadow on herself.

Sooo happy about pb&j

34 Weeks

YAY! The big milestone has been made. While we of course would prefer her to be born full term, babies born after 34 weeks tend to do as well as full term babies in the long term and since I got the steroid shots her chances of having any sort of breathing problems are that much smaller. What a tremendous relief.

I also had a great check up today. I saw Amy, my favorite of the 3 midwives, who lifted my spirits as always. Not only did I learn that she is a fellow Ole alum (um ya ya!) but she was very optimistic and upbeat about the baby. Having made it to 34 weeks I get to give birth at West Suburban which is the local hospital a mere mile away instead of the scary big downtown hospital. A midwife will deliver the baby, instead of whichever OB is on staff at the said big scary hospital. When listening to the heartbeat Amy felt the baby for size and apparently she's "not scrawny". She estimated that she's right around 5 pounds which is great news as this is the benchmark for most babies to leave the hospital. I am just so relieved I cannot even express it.

Of course now after being up so much this morning and with all of the excitement I'm definitely feeling it. My back is killing me and my stomach muscles are not happy. Lying down all the time hasn't made them work like they should and they're straining to hold up my big belly when I'm walking around. Still, I'm thankful to get to feel all of this discomfort because it means the baby is growing well and getting big and strong!

To top it all off two of my sisters are in town for the weekend (we miss you Kelly!). It's great to have so many babysitters for Ainsley (I think she's forgotten that I'm even here) and distractions for me. AND as a final testament to how amazing my sisters , Julie stopped by Molly's cupcakes (I saw them featured on a cupcake show on TLC) downtown on her way back from a friend's house and brought 6 amazing delicious cupcakes. I can't wait for dessert!

Only 3 more weeks until full term!

The "normal" stuff

Things have continued to look up over the past few days. While I'm getting progressively larger, thus more sore and uncomfortable, contractions have subsided significantly and the ones I do have are very mild and sporadic. I've been able to sleep pretty well, impressive as all I'm doing is laying around all day, and my appetite is definitely back (so much so that I'm a bit nervous to get on the scale on Friday...whoops!)

As the days, and now weeks, go on I find myself returning to a more "normal" state of mind about this pregnancy, including all of the normal worries, excitements, and joys.

I'm going to be giving birth again soon...WHAT?! I've come to the realization that the bliss of the first baby is not knowing what you're getting yourself into. I know this time and I must admit it's making me a bit nervous. At the same time I know what comes after all that pain and it is the most glorious, wonderful experience in the world, meeting your child for the first time. I can't wait.

I also can't wait to nurse again, even if it means waking up to a soaked through shirt some nights, an aching chest and frequent wake up calls in the night (for as sassafras-tic as Ainsley is she's a champ sleeper and Ian and I have gotten used to a full nights sleep). I miss that special time that I had with Ainsley, just the two of us, snuggling close. I can't wait.

I've started to really envision our family of three becoming a family of four. One more body in bed in the morning, as Ainsley's taken to snuggling again just after she just wakes up. A new personality around this house, I can't wait to see who this little girl is going to be.

I'm excited to see Ainsley as a big sister and Ian as a new dad all over again. I will never forget the look on his face when Ainsley came into this world. I've never loved him more.

I've also been trying to really soak in these past few weeks with Ainsley. It's excruciating anyways not being able to pick her up or snuggle much, but knowing that these are the last weeks of just her as our baby make it that much more difficult. Her world is going to change in a few weeks and there's no way I can explain to her that we still love her as much as always and she'll always be our baby. I think she's going to be great. She is becoming such a big girl and I love watching her grow.

Family has always been the most important thing to Ian and I and I can't believe sometimes that we have been blessed with one beautiful daughter and are about to welcome another. It is truly amazing.