The Swing of Things

I feel like I always write about the same things. How unexpectedly HARD this stay-at-home-mom-thing is, how difficult it's been living away from "home", general growing up adult/new parent woes and modest triumphs. Am I a broken record?

I have other thoughts. Like...is this what I'm supposed to be doing? What about when the girls are in school, what then? What am I really good at? Day in and day out...what is life all about?

Ian has been reading a lot of philosophy lately and trying desperately to get me on the wagon with him. I just feel like the answers to those "big questions" aren't out there for me to read, but are lying somewhere within this humdrum of daily life, slowly uncovering themselves.

As much as I agonize over my life decisions sometimes I am where I am and this is where I believe I should be. Ainsley and Louise are here because of Ian and I and because God chose them to be our children. So for me, I guess, the BIG answers are fairly simply answered.

I think I have become a bit insecure about how "simple" I've become. I used to pride myself on getting good grades, standing up at graduation when the "cum laude" graduates were honored, tackling a 25 hour work week, full class load and 20 miles of running in one average school week. My intellect, wit, and thirst for knowledge used to mean so much to me. So much has changed.

While I still enjoy reading and am rarely without an earmarked book at my bedside (or more recently a charged up kindle...thanks mom and dad!) that's about where my thirst for knowledge stops. I would much rather spend my free time looking up new recipes (and eating them!) knitting a new sweater for Louise (she doesn't fit into many of Ainsley's old ones) or tackling the never ending to do list that accompanies homeownership and parenthood. Rather than getting satisfaction from a bright insight, or a good debate over O'Neil's intentions in The IceMan Cometh (the BEST book I read in college btw) I marvel at my patience at 4:30 in the afternoon as Ainsley's losing it YET AGAIN. I feel self worth when I manage to simultaneously calm a newly teething Louise and pay attention to Ainsley's latest play dough creation with enthusiasm. I glow with pride at the success of a new recipe, marked by Ian's subtle but well intentioned "it's good." and a second helping.

Perhaps I write so much about my troubles, struggles, and insecurities because I am just that, terribly insecure. I feel like I SHOULD want more. But I don't. I just don't. I am completely (well 98.5%) happy raising my two adorable girls. Watching every milestone and hilarity as they present themselves. Cooking (mostly) good food and enjoying the company of my sweet funny husband after the girls are in bed. It is a gloriously simple life that I lead. I guess this blog is a way of making me ok with that. Thanks for listening.