Thursday, June 8, 2017

Not Thinking, Not Planning, Just Doing.

This is the longest break I've ever taken from posting.  Notice how I didn't say writing?!  I still write a lot, in un posted posts, in numerous small adorable notebooks, on the backs of receipts or discarded childrens' art.  I write! But share? not as much.

So much has happened since March.  We went to Florida for two whole weeks.  I planted an epic veggie garden.  Felix learned to swim.  The girls learned two piano recital pieces each.  We adopted a puppy.  I'm building a tree house!

If I think back to life even two years ago, it feels like miles and miles from here.  A new-ish mom to three, wondering if our dreams of settling down in Minnesota weren't to be, deep in a free fall of love with the village we'd found, in so much need of help, not knowing how to ask.

We're here! Where I always wanted, and it's still strange and hard and weird and at the same time so perfect and beautiful.  I'm still not used to our perfect house and plot.  I pinch myself when I take Bluebelle for running walks with Felix on his bike after walking the girls to the bus.  How is this all real?

Then my kids pull me back.  I'm in the final moments of them wanting me all the time and I know that so acutely.  Ainsley would go to college tomorrow if it were an option.  She pushes at every boundary we set, always has.  To think of her going to middle school, getting her drivers license, going away to school, it's closer than I think, but I know it's there, and I'm holding onto now with her with both hands.

We had our 10 year college reunion last weekend and it was nothing short of perfection.  I hope my children all find a place that they love as much as Ian and I love St Olaf.   For people who didn't go to a crazy small rural school, well, I just can't help them see it, but it was unique and special and exactly where we were meant to be.  I'll never forget meeting Ian.  His slightly gangly gait walking down to town for the Jesse James days festival.  My nervous boisterous too much too fast talking.  I just knew.  So early on I knew.  It'll be 10 years married with the man I never knew was in my dreams all along this August.  Almost 14 years together.  It's not always been easy, but it's pretty damn easy to love that man.  He just gets better (though I'm pretty sure I get harder). But he still loves me.  Do you see what I mean??!!!

I started this post with the title which is not typical for me.  It's my new motto.  Remember all that writing I said I do? It's lots of lists too.  Lists of things I want to do and make and ways I want to be.  This summer I just want to DO.  I want to look outside and see what the sky says.  Is it a beach day?  Is it a bike riding to the library morning?  Is it a decorate the inside of the treehouse day? (because there WILL be an inside of the treehouse asap, hence all the doing).  I know myself better than I ever have.  When I get in a doing mode I can do so much.  When I'm paralyzed with the plans I can sink for a bit in the possibilities.  Just do.  Look in your children's eyes and let the day unfold.

I am sad to see the school year end for Louise and Felix, happy for Ainsley.  Happy for all of us that we get to be together and for three months I get to relive the best days of my life; being at home with my kids, being their teacher, caretaker, activities director, always mom.  I feel so lucky to have us 5 that most days are all that each other needs.  In a world that moves so fast and requires so much, it's nice to remember that.  These (more than) four walls, my gardens, my hands, my people, they are all I really need.

To a beautiful, not too planned, DOING summer.  Here here!

1 comment:

  1. Love your post! Here's to doing! And what a joy to see you at the reunion!


i LOOOOOVE comments. Seriously. They make my lonely stay at home mama day.