More Nostalgia

Okay, this has to be brief because Ian's waiting for me to proofread his grant that's due tomorrow (even though I assured him that while I was an English major proofreading was never my strong suit) but I want to write something nonetheless.
I was just sitting here knitting, watching a show, and was struck with the memories of childhood triumphs.
Let me back up a bit. One of the hardest things about being a mom, for me, has been the lack of acknowledgment, no that's not quite right, the lack of esteem that I get from my daily activites. In college if I worked really hard on a paper (or didn't) and got an A it felt great. I felt accomplished, smart, a bit proud even. It's been a long time since I've felt that way. I miss feeling GOOD at something.
Going back to childhood, some of my proudest moments were (hold back the laughter) dance recitals. I played sports (petrified of batting and never scored a goal) and took piano lessons (my hands shook at recitals) but dance was the one real thing I felt I was good at. Now mind you I was not good. Once it got past the point where just memorizing the routine qualified you for the front row and fuetes became more important I got the shaft, but when that music came on something just felt right when I moved. I knwo how bizarre this all sounds, but I miss that feeling. Waiting in the wings all dolled up, smelling a fart because some nervous girl had poofed (never me of course). Then the previous number exits, the lights go low,the audience quites in anticipation as we prance out to our spots on stage. Then the music comes on and...MAGIC.
It's strange now how someting that used to bring me so much joy has left my life completely. I miss that feeling. Taking a bow and knowing that you did the best that you could, and you at least didn't look like a fool.
I always feel like a fool now. I've worked my whole life to be good at certain things, and now none of them matter. All that matters is that I take care of this little beautiful kantankerous baby girl, keep her alive, and happy. It sounds easy, but it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I never know if I've done enough, if I've gotten an A for the day, or heck, a B- would be good most days. There's no one to tell you that you did a good job, that you're doing the right thing. I miss that certainty. Perhaps I should take up math as a hobby. There's always a right answer there.
We close on our house in two days. I can hardly wait!