I just got back from my first field trip chaperone gig of the new school year. Louise's class went to the River Rendevous in Bloomington today, a gathering of reinactors teaching the children about different jobs and life in the 1800s.
Truthfully I didn't want to go. As the kids have gotten older I kind of dread chaperoning because the kids don't really need us much and unless my child wants to hang with me I'm left to stand around on my own or make conservation with the other parents with truthfully is NOT my thing.
Today there were 5 of us chaperoning and predictably the other 4 paired off and I was left to my own devices. One set of moms just met today but were basically the same person, super skinny and trendily dressed, three kids each the exact same ages, they even had the same lunch; quinoa and veggies and hard boiled egg whites.
I often feel out of place as a mom. I'm not skinny and trendy, I was just as excited to eat the chiabatta caprese sandwich as Louise so I made myself one, simple carbs and all. I'm not usually interested in striking up polite conversation and become instant BFFs and make plans immediately to hang out and do tibatta workouts together. It makes vollunteering for school stuff feel even harder sometimes.
Today I did it for Louise. My sweet just turned 9 year old who still clings to my hip a bit when we're out and about. Secretly I don't mind. I know soon enough she's going to want to be on her own, off with friends. This is my window. I'm holding on.
The start of school has gone as smoothly as ever. I can say that now that we are three weeks in. I am so thankful for Ainsley getting to start the year at her new school. She was so brave at open house day when she came with us to visit her old school while Louise and Felix met their new teachers. She's growing up so much and it's wonderful to see the pride she takes in her new school.
Louise and Felix are acclimating well. Louise is very go with the flow and a rigid rule follower so new routines and teachers and classmates seem easy for her to manage. Felix is also very go with the flow but is mourning the loss of little kid school with play time and many breaks in a day. I am mourning that too and thankful for so many neighborhood friends and a pretty open after school schedule so he (and the girls) can get their play time in.
I'm giving myself September to get used to this new school year. Work has been going smoothly and I am still thankful for that in my life. I'm struggling to fit it all in already, finding I'm craving lots of down time right now after the busy and loud summer with my children. I have lists and lists of projects and ideas that I was to see to fruition. I have so many appointments that I need to make and adult homeowner maintenance things to do.
For myself this new school year is going to be about finding my new adult self, post having babies and being a 24/7 stay at home parent. This is a new time of life for me and I find it's too easy to get swept up in the daily hum. I'm trying to savor the little best bits like Felix wanting group hugs from Ian and I every day and telling me "you're the best mom" and "I love you so much" umprompted, every hour we're togegther. And like Louise wanting us to tell her a story through her elephant every night like we do with Felix and his puppies and knowing that she's still little enough that she kind of believes her elephant is alive inside. Like Ainsley and my 2 hours a day that we get to ourselves that is mostly for REAL really good. How special to have that one on one time when she still wants it with me. I'm soaking it in.
Ian was gone on a business trip this week which is unusual for him. The parenting part was hard but fine. We all missed him a lot. How lucky that we miss each other when we're not together and that I tear up just thinking about these 4 people I live with every day that make my life completely meaningful Even if I don't ever finish our quilts or paint that dang painting for above the couch or install the handrawn tiles on the kitchen backsplash I am their mom and Ian's wife and right now that it the fullest and best job that I can think of.
Here's to a new (school) year. I hope yours is filled with as much thankfulness as mine is.
Friday, September 20, 2019
Friday, May 17, 2019
May May
I love May. I know it's the craziest time of year for anyone with children in school/activities, but I love the month so full to bursting. Buds are opening all over our yard, just yesterday the waft of fresh lilacs from our side garden was deliciously overwhelming. My veggie garden is STILL not 100% planted, but as usual the promise of fresh veggies soon and the what ifs of trying some new things is tantilizing.
This Spring feels oddly settled for how truly unsettled and new most things are this season. Ainsley finishing up a mere two months in her new school. Felix dong spring soccer for the first time, (me somehow assistant coaching?) Louise at her new dance studio for the first year, production number and all. It's hard to believe that just last spring Felix was graduating preschool, I was dance recital hopping with the girls to pick a new studio for this year, and I was more worried than I'd ever been for summer going well with my three at home.
Turns out it was the easiest summer yet. My children all big enough to be out around the house without me right at their side, days easily filled with beaches and backyard pools and park visits. I've planned exponentially less this summer, and feel more confident than ever in the great time we're going to have.
Yesterday I spent some time researching and requesting my first round of summer themed books from the library. Almost nothing gets me more excited for a new season or holiday than that. I've spent so much time researching and reading children books I'm always astounded that that work is never complete. There are always new amazing things being written and many old books and authors and series that I somehow haven't stumbled across yet.
Looking back my passion for children's literature started with a course in college and then later a book I stumbled across at a recommendation from my first teacher colleague. I will never forget the class discussions on Despereaux, Esperanza Rising, and The Borrowers. Children's books can do amazing things, not just entertain but introduce and deal with big hard topics in a developmentally appropriate way for kids. I can't believe my own girls are nearly old enough to be reading some of those books soon.
P.S. I can't wait for them to be ready for Number the Stars. Another all time favorite of mine.
With children at different ages and with different personalities and preferences it's always a challenge to find books that I think they will all like to have read to them. In the summer one of my favorite things is sitting on a blanket in the shade, after lunch, reading to my children while they play close by.
My goal this summer is to read a chapter book a week with them. Some longer ones may take longer than that and some shorter we may breeze through in one or two sittings. It's a goal I feel excited about. 12 books. Here we go.
The Rescuers and Bed Nob and Broomsticks - I love reading classics and especially ones who's stories I think I know but are really very different (and often much better) than the films.
Tua and the Elephant - how could I not get this one for my elephant loving Louise. The story sounds so wonderful too.
Moomin Summer Madness - I have yet to read a moomin book with or without my children. This seemed like the perfect thing.
Little Bo (and series) - Mandy was one of my absolute top 10 novels that I loved as a child. Ainsley's too. To find a whole new-to-me series co-authored by our beloved Julie Andrews felt like a summer gift wrapped with the prettiest bow.
Traction Man (also a series) - I stumbled across this series when looking for summer themed books. A book later in the series takes place at a beach. It looks light and funny and just the thing Felix, and really all three, will love in between the longer novels.
Cilla Lee Jenkins (series) - I can't wait to meet this character. A newer series that looks amazing.
Raymie Nightingale - I can't possibly go the summer without a Kate DiCamillo read. Last summer it was Because of Winn Dixie on audio book and the Mercy Watson series was one of all of my kiddos first chapter book series'. She's just written a new book with a character she introduces here so I thought this was the right place to start. Maybe I'll get two Kate's this summer?! (and if you haven't read the miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane I can't recommend it enough. It's one of the few books Ainsey's ever snatched out of my hand to finish reading on her own because I wasn't going fast enough for her)
The Adventures of Nanny Piggins (series) I think my kids will love these books. I'm laughing just looking at the cover.
The Miniature World of Marvin and James- Another sweet looking series perfect to break up our longer books or even to read in one sitting at a beach or park. Very excited to have found these.
Bonus Summer book finding pro-tip: type "goes to the beach" or simply "beach" into the title search on your library's website. SO many options from favorite characters and authors. I have a whole bunch slotted to come right as summer starts.
Wishing you all a Marvelous May and wonderful start to summer.
This Spring feels oddly settled for how truly unsettled and new most things are this season. Ainsley finishing up a mere two months in her new school. Felix dong spring soccer for the first time, (me somehow assistant coaching?) Louise at her new dance studio for the first year, production number and all. It's hard to believe that just last spring Felix was graduating preschool, I was dance recital hopping with the girls to pick a new studio for this year, and I was more worried than I'd ever been for summer going well with my three at home.
Turns out it was the easiest summer yet. My children all big enough to be out around the house without me right at their side, days easily filled with beaches and backyard pools and park visits. I've planned exponentially less this summer, and feel more confident than ever in the great time we're going to have.
Yesterday I spent some time researching and requesting my first round of summer themed books from the library. Almost nothing gets me more excited for a new season or holiday than that. I've spent so much time researching and reading children books I'm always astounded that that work is never complete. There are always new amazing things being written and many old books and authors and series that I somehow haven't stumbled across yet.
Looking back my passion for children's literature started with a course in college and then later a book I stumbled across at a recommendation from my first teacher colleague. I will never forget the class discussions on Despereaux, Esperanza Rising, and The Borrowers. Children's books can do amazing things, not just entertain but introduce and deal with big hard topics in a developmentally appropriate way for kids. I can't believe my own girls are nearly old enough to be reading some of those books soon.
P.S. I can't wait for them to be ready for Number the Stars. Another all time favorite of mine.
With children at different ages and with different personalities and preferences it's always a challenge to find books that I think they will all like to have read to them. In the summer one of my favorite things is sitting on a blanket in the shade, after lunch, reading to my children while they play close by.
My goal this summer is to read a chapter book a week with them. Some longer ones may take longer than that and some shorter we may breeze through in one or two sittings. It's a goal I feel excited about. 12 books. Here we go.
The Rescuers and Bed Nob and Broomsticks - I love reading classics and especially ones who's stories I think I know but are really very different (and often much better) than the films.
Tua and the Elephant - how could I not get this one for my elephant loving Louise. The story sounds so wonderful too.
Moomin Summer Madness - I have yet to read a moomin book with or without my children. This seemed like the perfect thing.
Little Bo (and series) - Mandy was one of my absolute top 10 novels that I loved as a child. Ainsley's too. To find a whole new-to-me series co-authored by our beloved Julie Andrews felt like a summer gift wrapped with the prettiest bow.
Traction Man (also a series) - I stumbled across this series when looking for summer themed books. A book later in the series takes place at a beach. It looks light and funny and just the thing Felix, and really all three, will love in between the longer novels.
Cilla Lee Jenkins (series) - I can't wait to meet this character. A newer series that looks amazing.
Raymie Nightingale - I can't possibly go the summer without a Kate DiCamillo read. Last summer it was Because of Winn Dixie on audio book and the Mercy Watson series was one of all of my kiddos first chapter book series'. She's just written a new book with a character she introduces here so I thought this was the right place to start. Maybe I'll get two Kate's this summer?! (and if you haven't read the miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane I can't recommend it enough. It's one of the few books Ainsey's ever snatched out of my hand to finish reading on her own because I wasn't going fast enough for her)
The Adventures of Nanny Piggins (series) I think my kids will love these books. I'm laughing just looking at the cover.
The Miniature World of Marvin and James- Another sweet looking series perfect to break up our longer books or even to read in one sitting at a beach or park. Very excited to have found these.
Bonus Summer book finding pro-tip: type "goes to the beach" or simply "beach" into the title search on your library's website. SO many options from favorite characters and authors. I have a whole bunch slotted to come right as summer starts.
Wishing you all a Marvelous May and wonderful start to summer.
Wednesday, April 24, 2019
Old Becky, New Becky
Last week I started texting myself. I got the idea spur of the moment when I didn't have any paper with me and needed to remember a simple knitting pattern someone told me about at church. Next it was a new idea for a children's book, about a grandma carrying around knitting in her bag for other people, all the places she knit it, all the little bits of lint and love woven into each stitch. Then it was a story about windows. A child nodding off while dreaming of the views out of her favorites: Grandparents' cabin, spring break getaways, mountains and woods and lakes, then finally home. That last one was inspired by Harold and the Purple Crayon. One of my all time favorites. BTW I know I should be using a lot more semi colons then I am but I'm such a lazy English major, especially when I'm drinking wine (which of course I am). Just now I was reading a new book and a quote struck me. Home is in the Soul. You will spend your life trying to get back to it. Texted again. Who says and old Becky can't learn new tricks?
Truth is I don't feel like old Becky at all. Correction, I'm trying so hard to come to grips with new Becky, or older Becky, or adult Becky, something like that.
Part of it is this time of year, I know. Winter after Christmas can be the pits. This year Minnesota's weather has been hard. December was mild and decent but January was the worst. Too icy or WAY too cold then quickly too wet and warm now icy again. We have not ice skated or skied or done much other than sled and make fires and dream of spring. I hate feeling like I've wasted a season more than just about anything. I've borrowed so many books from the library and tried so hard to motivate. I actually had a blast with my kids on the days off from school they had with the snow. Then immediate sadness because it so reminded me of how things used to be with them before they got so big. I'm struggling to find my new groove.
It's in part because our groove is constantly in flux. Every year brings new routines, new schedules, new priorities and demands. Each season brings new commitments and new arrangements, new expectations. My nerves are shot making big parenting decisions daily like should I let me kid quit viola? should I send my kid to school with a sore throat if they don't have a fever? should I write the principal about an para with anger issues? Should I pack up my family and move to Montana and never leave again ?!?!?!!
I look around me a lot and wonder if every other adult feels this way. Are we all doing things the way we are doing them because we feel like it's how we're supposed to be doing them? Do we convince ourselves that things are ok because we're made to believe this is as good as it can be? Do we pick our battles so much that we settle for this moderate unhappiness that follows us always?
Whoa truthbomb, but really. That's where I'm at.
Truth is I don't feel like old Becky at all. Correction, I'm trying so hard to come to grips with new Becky, or older Becky, or adult Becky, something like that.
Part of it is this time of year, I know. Winter after Christmas can be the pits. This year Minnesota's weather has been hard. December was mild and decent but January was the worst. Too icy or WAY too cold then quickly too wet and warm now icy again. We have not ice skated or skied or done much other than sled and make fires and dream of spring. I hate feeling like I've wasted a season more than just about anything. I've borrowed so many books from the library and tried so hard to motivate. I actually had a blast with my kids on the days off from school they had with the snow. Then immediate sadness because it so reminded me of how things used to be with them before they got so big. I'm struggling to find my new groove.
It's in part because our groove is constantly in flux. Every year brings new routines, new schedules, new priorities and demands. Each season brings new commitments and new arrangements, new expectations. My nerves are shot making big parenting decisions daily like should I let me kid quit viola? should I send my kid to school with a sore throat if they don't have a fever? should I write the principal about an para with anger issues? Should I pack up my family and move to Montana and never leave again ?!?!?!!
I look around me a lot and wonder if every other adult feels this way. Are we all doing things the way we are doing them because we feel like it's how we're supposed to be doing them? Do we convince ourselves that things are ok because we're made to believe this is as good as it can be? Do we pick our battles so much that we settle for this moderate unhappiness that follows us always?
Whoa truthbomb, but really. That's where I'm at.
Felix is 6!
Felix is 6! Time keeps ticking away.
He's still at the age where each year his growth is so exponential that I hardly recognize him from year to year. Last year this time he was a preschooler; begging me to stay as long as he could at school each day because he loved his friends so much. Now he's almost done with kindergarten: reading to us every night, doing math for fun when he's waiting for a sister at dance or after school, going to friends houses alone after school, coming back on time because he's a responsible little guy.
He still loves his workout clothes and comes down fully dressed for the day as he has since he was in his late 3's. He still loves juice, any sweet drink really. For his birthday I got him a gallon of chocolate milk at Costco and I'm pretty sure it's going to be one of his top presents. He's still an awesome eater, will try just about anything, even spicy things. For his birthday he wants hot dogs and macaroni, per kid tradition. I'm excited that it's going to be 74 today so we can grill. For dessert he couldn't decide, so i decided for him; homemade strawberry ice cream with whipped cream, sprinkles and cherries. Ian's confirmation class is putting on a banquet for the 8th graders tonight so he has to scoot out early so our plan is to open gifts and eat right after school then make a bonfire and enjoy the night outside.
I'm taking work off today so that I can go on a field trip with Felix to a local farm. I'm going to his class early to read a book and eat lunch with him, then taking him home straight from the farm. I'm wondering what we'll do with that hour before we have to go pick Ainsley up from STEM club. A park? Home to play? I'm just excited for some time alone with him.
Felix continues to be such a gift to me. He's had an emotional year with many more tears and troubles than normal. First friend problems have crept up and adjusting from a class of 10 where everyone got along to one of 24 with tiny cliques and dramas has been hard. But he cries, snuggles into my lap and everything is better. We can reboot each other so easily. I've always loved that about us.
I am so looking forward to the summer with him. He plays so well and could spend all day just making believe and being outside. Lakes and parks and sports and reading and crafts and snuggles while reading will fill our days easily and well.
I love you so much Felix and am so glad that you are ours. I can't wait to celebrate you extra today!!!
He's still at the age where each year his growth is so exponential that I hardly recognize him from year to year. Last year this time he was a preschooler; begging me to stay as long as he could at school each day because he loved his friends so much. Now he's almost done with kindergarten: reading to us every night, doing math for fun when he's waiting for a sister at dance or after school, going to friends houses alone after school, coming back on time because he's a responsible little guy.
He still loves his workout clothes and comes down fully dressed for the day as he has since he was in his late 3's. He still loves juice, any sweet drink really. For his birthday I got him a gallon of chocolate milk at Costco and I'm pretty sure it's going to be one of his top presents. He's still an awesome eater, will try just about anything, even spicy things. For his birthday he wants hot dogs and macaroni, per kid tradition. I'm excited that it's going to be 74 today so we can grill. For dessert he couldn't decide, so i decided for him; homemade strawberry ice cream with whipped cream, sprinkles and cherries. Ian's confirmation class is putting on a banquet for the 8th graders tonight so he has to scoot out early so our plan is to open gifts and eat right after school then make a bonfire and enjoy the night outside.
I'm taking work off today so that I can go on a field trip with Felix to a local farm. I'm going to his class early to read a book and eat lunch with him, then taking him home straight from the farm. I'm wondering what we'll do with that hour before we have to go pick Ainsley up from STEM club. A park? Home to play? I'm just excited for some time alone with him.
Felix continues to be such a gift to me. He's had an emotional year with many more tears and troubles than normal. First friend problems have crept up and adjusting from a class of 10 where everyone got along to one of 24 with tiny cliques and dramas has been hard. But he cries, snuggles into my lap and everything is better. We can reboot each other so easily. I've always loved that about us.
I am so looking forward to the summer with him. He plays so well and could spend all day just making believe and being outside. Lakes and parks and sports and reading and crafts and snuggles while reading will fill our days easily and well.
I love you so much Felix and am so glad that you are ours. I can't wait to celebrate you extra today!!!
Still Writing
It's almost like I'm playing an odd game of chance, going so long in between publishing posts on this old blog; is anyone still reading? does anyone care? heck do I still care? Sure I do. Based on the number of unpublished posts I've been racking up these past few years, I'd day I still care quite a lot.
Thing is, my life continues to change at such rapid speeds that by the time I go back to re-read something it all feels irrelevant or too much sharing about my now not baby at all children. Now my days aren't just in these 4 walls, with the bakery lady and the Trader Joes guy as my main two confidants. This space doesn't have the same need for me as it used to. Still I can't fully let go. It was such a big part of the biggest part of me that I'm struggling to move forward with.
Life just keeps moving forward doesn't it? They always told me it would, God willing, but here I am with a permanent deep wrinkle crease down the middle of my forehead and my first unmistakable grey hairs popping unyieldingly out of my hair part, and I hardly recognize myself.
I have often felt like I've done life a bit backwards. While I hear from most that their 20s were wild and crazy and confusing my 20s were the epitome of what I always wanted my adult life to be. I wanted to be a wife and a mom and homemaker extraordinaire. I struggled so much with Ainsley going off to kindergarten because I knew it was the beginning of the end of my favorite era in my life. And I was right.
To be honest I've felt a bit lost since our move back home. For 8 years I held moving back as the catch all solution to everything that had been ailing me. Then we moved and it wasn't miraculous, of course it wasn't. Everything shifted and I'm still trying to find my new normal. Every time I call up a sister to hang out with on a free weekend night I am SO grateful to have that, and at the same time sad that I don't have my friends in Oak Park. Every time I go to work I am so thankful I have that and sad that I'm not needed at home with my own tiny toddler anymore. Every time I have hours to myself to do housework or fun projects I am thankful and at the same time so nostalgic for the days so full to the brim of need from my kiddos. Life has changed so fast.
I find myself asking "what's next" often. I find myself being pulled in so many directions, scared to truly jump into any one thing for fear of choosing wrong, or taking away from the little time I have with my toes in the other ponds. It could be as simple as what makes the most money or as complex as 'what is my purpose?'.
But these are the questions of life aren't they? Now that my head is fully above water I'm able to see that. This is what I'll spend my days and my years mulling over and deciding. What to do with my one wild and crazy life. In the meantime I'm trying my best to keep my eyes and arms open. It's the best I can do.
Thing is, my life continues to change at such rapid speeds that by the time I go back to re-read something it all feels irrelevant or too much sharing about my now not baby at all children. Now my days aren't just in these 4 walls, with the bakery lady and the Trader Joes guy as my main two confidants. This space doesn't have the same need for me as it used to. Still I can't fully let go. It was such a big part of the biggest part of me that I'm struggling to move forward with.
Life just keeps moving forward doesn't it? They always told me it would, God willing, but here I am with a permanent deep wrinkle crease down the middle of my forehead and my first unmistakable grey hairs popping unyieldingly out of my hair part, and I hardly recognize myself.
I have often felt like I've done life a bit backwards. While I hear from most that their 20s were wild and crazy and confusing my 20s were the epitome of what I always wanted my adult life to be. I wanted to be a wife and a mom and homemaker extraordinaire. I struggled so much with Ainsley going off to kindergarten because I knew it was the beginning of the end of my favorite era in my life. And I was right.
To be honest I've felt a bit lost since our move back home. For 8 years I held moving back as the catch all solution to everything that had been ailing me. Then we moved and it wasn't miraculous, of course it wasn't. Everything shifted and I'm still trying to find my new normal. Every time I call up a sister to hang out with on a free weekend night I am SO grateful to have that, and at the same time sad that I don't have my friends in Oak Park. Every time I go to work I am so thankful I have that and sad that I'm not needed at home with my own tiny toddler anymore. Every time I have hours to myself to do housework or fun projects I am thankful and at the same time so nostalgic for the days so full to the brim of need from my kiddos. Life has changed so fast.
I find myself asking "what's next" often. I find myself being pulled in so many directions, scared to truly jump into any one thing for fear of choosing wrong, or taking away from the little time I have with my toes in the other ponds. It could be as simple as what makes the most money or as complex as 'what is my purpose?'.
But these are the questions of life aren't they? Now that my head is fully above water I'm able to see that. This is what I'll spend my days and my years mulling over and deciding. What to do with my one wild and crazy life. In the meantime I'm trying my best to keep my eyes and arms open. It's the best I can do.
Monday, December 24, 2018
Christmas Eve
It's 11:03 on Christmas Eve and I just wrapped my last presents. I was honestly surprised to see the few unwrapped gifts in the back of my closet tonight because as usual I started looking for and wrapping gifts right about after the 4th of July.
But it's always a race to the finish isn't it? No matter how much I've planned or how much I feel I've done, I'm always up late Christmas Eve. Last year Ainsley's Santa gift didn't arrive in time. This year I was awaiting ONE skein of yarn to finish a Christmas sweater for Louise. It came today so I guess it will have to be a New Year's sweater.
This morning I stirred around 4am. I had to pee as I often still have to do in the middle of the night (thanks 3 children for the crap bladder!) I snuggled back into bed under the soft brand new flannel sheets I bought for 20% off at Target with a black Friday coupon (go me!) and I couldn't for the life of me calm down to get back to sleep. I was too excited about today and my Ainsley girl's 10th birthday.
10 years ago Ian and I were flat on the queen bed in the alternative birthing room at the local hospital ogling our new baby girl. She was born around 9:30 pm, after probably 10 ish hours of labor and 45 minutes at the hospital.
My most vivid memories of that night were Ian driving on the shoulder of the IKE through downtown Chicago to bypass Christmas Eve city traffic and get us the F$*! home because it was our first baby and who knew how long we had?! Then I got home and things slowed down so I took and bath. Then my water broke. Then we high tailed it to the ER. Then I was throwing up and out of my mind in pain and ran down the hallway from triage to delivery between a transition contraction when the nurse told me I was 9.5. I had to start pushing on the bed which was not my plan because the midwife hadn't arrived yet. Then she came with a santa hat on and I leapt into the tub and Ainsley was born POOF like that. I got a candy cane afterwards.
I remember thinking Ainsley might have down syndrome when I first saw her. She looked so funny to me. In retrospect I'm pretty sure I was in shock from the super fast birth and that she was my first and the first of anyone I knew so I hadn't seen a fresh newborn pretty much ever.
Ian and I were so young. 24 each. It all felt so surreal.
The next morning my family came and brought us traditional Christmas morning egg bake and caramel rolls and it was the best food I'd ever tasted.
We opted to go home before 24 hours because I didn't want to sleep in the hospital another night. I wanted to be home with my girl.
I remember driving home on Christmas Day and looking for a place to stop and grab some food for dinner but nothing was open, not even McDonalds. I still don't remember what we ate that night.
Up until that exact moment Christmas day was the most sacred "don't mess with it" holiday for me. I grew up with picture perfect uniform Christmases. Wake up, run down stairs with sisters to see Santa gifts and undo stockings, crackling fire, orange juice and egg nog, presents galore under the tree. Spend all morning unwrapping and trying on and playing. Eat brunch of sausage egg bake and caramel rolls, play and lounge the afternoon away. Prime rib or beef tenderloin for dinner, fancy dress attire, sleep sleep sleep.
That year everything changed. My baby was born on my favorite holiday and I can't remember one moment of remorse. She made me grow up so fast.
Tonight I'm looking back 10 years and seeing so vividly how far I've come. I can breathe through complete chaos (sometimes) yak yak yak about all the work to be done (really quadruple yak) and simultaneously truly really love putting the effort in for the people I love.
I probably won't sleep tonight. I am too excited to give the gifts I've put so much thought and time into.
I am too excited for the hope of tomorrow and the chance to finally get it right, to finally extricate all the bad stuff inside of me that's holding me back form who I could be, who I want to be.
Christmas then New Years, then NEW. I'm so ready this year.
But it's always a race to the finish isn't it? No matter how much I've planned or how much I feel I've done, I'm always up late Christmas Eve. Last year Ainsley's Santa gift didn't arrive in time. This year I was awaiting ONE skein of yarn to finish a Christmas sweater for Louise. It came today so I guess it will have to be a New Year's sweater.
This morning I stirred around 4am. I had to pee as I often still have to do in the middle of the night (thanks 3 children for the crap bladder!) I snuggled back into bed under the soft brand new flannel sheets I bought for 20% off at Target with a black Friday coupon (go me!) and I couldn't for the life of me calm down to get back to sleep. I was too excited about today and my Ainsley girl's 10th birthday.
10 years ago Ian and I were flat on the queen bed in the alternative birthing room at the local hospital ogling our new baby girl. She was born around 9:30 pm, after probably 10 ish hours of labor and 45 minutes at the hospital.
My most vivid memories of that night were Ian driving on the shoulder of the IKE through downtown Chicago to bypass Christmas Eve city traffic and get us the F$*! home because it was our first baby and who knew how long we had?! Then I got home and things slowed down so I took and bath. Then my water broke. Then we high tailed it to the ER. Then I was throwing up and out of my mind in pain and ran down the hallway from triage to delivery between a transition contraction when the nurse told me I was 9.5. I had to start pushing on the bed which was not my plan because the midwife hadn't arrived yet. Then she came with a santa hat on and I leapt into the tub and Ainsley was born POOF like that. I got a candy cane afterwards.
I remember thinking Ainsley might have down syndrome when I first saw her. She looked so funny to me. In retrospect I'm pretty sure I was in shock from the super fast birth and that she was my first and the first of anyone I knew so I hadn't seen a fresh newborn pretty much ever.
Ian and I were so young. 24 each. It all felt so surreal.
The next morning my family came and brought us traditional Christmas morning egg bake and caramel rolls and it was the best food I'd ever tasted.
We opted to go home before 24 hours because I didn't want to sleep in the hospital another night. I wanted to be home with my girl.
I remember driving home on Christmas Day and looking for a place to stop and grab some food for dinner but nothing was open, not even McDonalds. I still don't remember what we ate that night.
Up until that exact moment Christmas day was the most sacred "don't mess with it" holiday for me. I grew up with picture perfect uniform Christmases. Wake up, run down stairs with sisters to see Santa gifts and undo stockings, crackling fire, orange juice and egg nog, presents galore under the tree. Spend all morning unwrapping and trying on and playing. Eat brunch of sausage egg bake and caramel rolls, play and lounge the afternoon away. Prime rib or beef tenderloin for dinner, fancy dress attire, sleep sleep sleep.
That year everything changed. My baby was born on my favorite holiday and I can't remember one moment of remorse. She made me grow up so fast.
Tonight I'm looking back 10 years and seeing so vividly how far I've come. I can breathe through complete chaos (sometimes) yak yak yak about all the work to be done (really quadruple yak) and simultaneously truly really love putting the effort in for the people I love.
I probably won't sleep tonight. I am too excited to give the gifts I've put so much thought and time into.
I am too excited for the hope of tomorrow and the chance to finally get it right, to finally extricate all the bad stuff inside of me that's holding me back form who I could be, who I want to be.
Christmas then New Years, then NEW. I'm so ready this year.
Wednesday, December 5, 2018
My Chains
In case you want to listen to some great music once you've read the first bit...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkTsbbrFQEg&index=2&list=PL9cpYnkl2A41SiIh6gCqhIYfauMerXlP7
When I was a girl my mom used to take me and my three sisters to the Lorie Line Christmas concert every year. We'd dress up and go to dinner on the way to downtown, usually Olive Garden; microwaved Italian never tasted so good. We'd park and feel so cultured walking in our Sunday best to the Orpheum theater.
I loved those concerts so much. We'd jingle our limited edition, just made for that years' concerts, holiday bells. Us 5 ladies singing away and enjoying the anticipation of the Christmas season to the fullest. What wonderful memories you made for us mom.
Now I still listen to Lorie's Christmas albums. I play her music on the piano. Each time remembering the magic of those concerts and how much my mom LOVED her music.
I married a man who is the most objective person in the world when it comes to music. I? just love when it gets me in the gut; when it's connected to something or some time that mattered to me.
Fun bonus fact? Lorie and her family went to our church growing up and once in a Blue Moon she'd play for the congregation. Talk about celebrity sightings! Wayzata is practically LA! ;o)
So here I sit anticipating another Christmas. My children all in the perfect stages of big enough to love and get it, still young enough to believe it all.
Christmas has morphed for me so much in the past few years. The child like giddiness is all but gone but in it's place is a calm and steady desire to simply enjoy this season and share in the joy and share THE joy as much as I can.
Our remarkable interim pastor started out advent season preaching about reflection and regret. We were handed tiny chain links upon our entry to the sanctuary and the service started with a jarring and amazing soliloquy by a gifted parishioner of the Jacob Marley speech from "A Christmas Carol". The sermon later stated that while our economy would love you to see the time before Christmas as solely a time to purchase and plan and buy some more, our hearts and our God want us to look back and think hard about the parts about us that we don't like; the things we've done and said that we wished we hadn't; the chains we've forged in life.
After the service I joked with Ian "well that wasn't relevant to me at all."
Of course it's relevant, to us all. We live in a time where everyone is trying so desperately to put their best food forward. I mean I have a preschool mom taking her daughter out of school for a month so she can get a boob job for goodness sakes! (seriously trying not to judge you guys, but a boob job?!)
I personally can think of a multitude of regrets. Times I haven't handled things well, yelled when I shouldn't have, really damaged relationships and not done the right thing at all. Worse yet are the bad patterns and habits that make these regrets regular occurrences. Depressing right?
Truthfully I am so thankful for the frankness of our new pastor. He talks about the hard things which is teaching me that by talking about, and dealing with, the hard things, we grow and we get better.
It feels good to be allowed to be contemplative and a bit sad this time of year. As adults we know the long winter is coming, we know that at any turn life can change and life in the best and most beautiful of circumstances, is still hard. We look at the children around us, seeing the magic and pure joy, and feel simultaneous glee and despair. We know we can never feel that pure magic again.
Yet the circle of life lets the magic live on in our children.
Louise had a poetry assignment earlier this year that started and ended with her first and last names, in between she filled in lines about her personality. Her first line stated that she was spiritual. I've never heard her use that word before. I was so filled with joy that she feels and acknowledges that about herself.
I can newly acknowledge my spirituality as well. I can also recognize my faults and downfalls and at the same time my strengths. How can I break the chains I have forged?
I know I can start with this Christmas season. We can have our joy, but first we must have our contemplation.
Define our regrets, change our ways, live in the most good and full ways that we can. THIS is the Christmas I strive for this year.
AMEN!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkTsbbrFQEg&index=2&list=PL9cpYnkl2A41SiIh6gCqhIYfauMerXlP7
When I was a girl my mom used to take me and my three sisters to the Lorie Line Christmas concert every year. We'd dress up and go to dinner on the way to downtown, usually Olive Garden; microwaved Italian never tasted so good. We'd park and feel so cultured walking in our Sunday best to the Orpheum theater.
I loved those concerts so much. We'd jingle our limited edition, just made for that years' concerts, holiday bells. Us 5 ladies singing away and enjoying the anticipation of the Christmas season to the fullest. What wonderful memories you made for us mom.
Now I still listen to Lorie's Christmas albums. I play her music on the piano. Each time remembering the magic of those concerts and how much my mom LOVED her music.
I married a man who is the most objective person in the world when it comes to music. I? just love when it gets me in the gut; when it's connected to something or some time that mattered to me.
Fun bonus fact? Lorie and her family went to our church growing up and once in a Blue Moon she'd play for the congregation. Talk about celebrity sightings! Wayzata is practically LA! ;o)
So here I sit anticipating another Christmas. My children all in the perfect stages of big enough to love and get it, still young enough to believe it all.
Christmas has morphed for me so much in the past few years. The child like giddiness is all but gone but in it's place is a calm and steady desire to simply enjoy this season and share in the joy and share THE joy as much as I can.
Our remarkable interim pastor started out advent season preaching about reflection and regret. We were handed tiny chain links upon our entry to the sanctuary and the service started with a jarring and amazing soliloquy by a gifted parishioner of the Jacob Marley speech from "A Christmas Carol". The sermon later stated that while our economy would love you to see the time before Christmas as solely a time to purchase and plan and buy some more, our hearts and our God want us to look back and think hard about the parts about us that we don't like; the things we've done and said that we wished we hadn't; the chains we've forged in life.
After the service I joked with Ian "well that wasn't relevant to me at all."
Of course it's relevant, to us all. We live in a time where everyone is trying so desperately to put their best food forward. I mean I have a preschool mom taking her daughter out of school for a month so she can get a boob job for goodness sakes! (seriously trying not to judge you guys, but a boob job?!)
I personally can think of a multitude of regrets. Times I haven't handled things well, yelled when I shouldn't have, really damaged relationships and not done the right thing at all. Worse yet are the bad patterns and habits that make these regrets regular occurrences. Depressing right?
Truthfully I am so thankful for the frankness of our new pastor. He talks about the hard things which is teaching me that by talking about, and dealing with, the hard things, we grow and we get better.
It feels good to be allowed to be contemplative and a bit sad this time of year. As adults we know the long winter is coming, we know that at any turn life can change and life in the best and most beautiful of circumstances, is still hard. We look at the children around us, seeing the magic and pure joy, and feel simultaneous glee and despair. We know we can never feel that pure magic again.
Yet the circle of life lets the magic live on in our children.
Louise had a poetry assignment earlier this year that started and ended with her first and last names, in between she filled in lines about her personality. Her first line stated that she was spiritual. I've never heard her use that word before. I was so filled with joy that she feels and acknowledges that about herself.
I can newly acknowledge my spirituality as well. I can also recognize my faults and downfalls and at the same time my strengths. How can I break the chains I have forged?
I know I can start with this Christmas season. We can have our joy, but first we must have our contemplation.
Define our regrets, change our ways, live in the most good and full ways that we can. THIS is the Christmas I strive for this year.
AMEN!
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