Old Becky, New Becky

Last week I started texting myself.  I got the idea spur of the moment when I didn't have any paper with me and needed to remember a simple knitting pattern someone told me about at church.  Next it was a new idea for a children's book, about a grandma carrying around knitting in her bag for other people, all the places she knit it, all the little bits of lint and love woven into each stitch.  Then it was a story about windows.  A child nodding off while dreaming of the views out of her favorites: Grandparents' cabin, spring break getaways, mountains and woods and lakes, then finally home.  That last one was inspired by Harold and the Purple Crayon.  One of my all time favorites.  BTW I know I should be using a lot more semi colons then I am but I'm such a lazy English major, especially when I'm drinking wine (which of course I am). Just now I was reading a new book and a quote struck me.  Home is in the Soul.  You will spend your life trying to get back to it. Texted again.  Who says and old Becky can't learn new tricks?

Truth is I don't feel like old Becky at all.  Correction, I'm trying so hard to come to grips with new Becky, or older Becky, or adult Becky, something like that.

Part of it is this time of year, I know.  Winter after Christmas can be the pits.  This year Minnesota's weather has been hard.  December was mild and decent but January was the worst.  Too icy or WAY too cold then quickly too wet and warm now icy again.  We have not ice skated or skied or done much other than sled and make fires and dream of spring.  I hate feeling like I've wasted a season more than just about anything.  I've borrowed so many books from the library and tried so hard to motivate.  I actually had a blast with my kids on the days off from school they had with the snow.  Then immediate sadness because it so reminded me of how things used to be with them before they got so big.  I'm struggling to find my new groove.

It's in part because our groove is constantly in flux.  Every year brings new routines, new schedules, new priorities and demands.  Each season brings new commitments and new arrangements, new expectations.  My nerves are shot making big parenting decisions daily like should I let me kid quit viola? should I send my kid to school with a sore throat if they don't have a fever?  should I write the principal about an para with anger issues? Should I pack up my family and move to Montana and never leave again ?!?!?!!

I look around me a lot and wonder if every other adult feels this way.  Are we all doing things the way we are doing them because we feel like it's how we're supposed to be doing them? Do we convince ourselves that things are ok because we're made to believe this is as good as it can be?  Do we pick our battles so much that we settle for this moderate unhappiness that follows us always?

Whoa truthbomb, but really.  That's where I'm at.