Still Writing

It's almost like I'm playing an odd game of chance, going so long in between publishing posts on this old blog; is anyone still reading? does anyone care?  heck do I still care?  Sure I do.  Based on the number of unpublished posts I've been racking up these past few years, I'd day I still care quite a lot.

Thing is, my life continues to change at such rapid speeds that by the time I go back to re-read something it all feels irrelevant or too much sharing about my now not baby at all children.  Now my days aren't just in these 4 walls, with the bakery lady and the Trader Joes guy as my main two confidants.  This space doesn't have the same need for me as it used to.  Still I can't fully let go.  It was such a big part of the biggest part of me that I'm struggling to move forward with.

Life just keeps moving forward doesn't it?  They always told me it would, God willing, but here I am with a permanent deep wrinkle crease down the middle of my forehead and my first unmistakable grey hairs popping unyieldingly out of my hair part, and I hardly recognize myself.

I have often felt like I've done life a bit backwards.  While I hear from most that their 20s were wild and crazy and confusing my 20s were the epitome of what I always wanted my adult life to be.  I wanted to be a wife and a mom and homemaker extraordinaire.  I struggled so much with Ainsley going off to kindergarten because I knew it was the beginning of the end of my favorite era in my life.  And I was right.


To be honest I've felt a bit lost since our move back home.  For 8 years I held moving back as the catch all solution to everything that had been ailing me.  Then we moved and it wasn't miraculous, of course it wasn't.  Everything shifted and I'm still trying to find my new normal.  Every time I call up a sister to hang out with on a free weekend night I am SO grateful to have that, and at the same time sad that I don't have my friends in Oak Park.  Every time I go to work I am so thankful I have that and sad that I'm not needed at home with my own tiny toddler anymore.  Every time I have hours to myself to do housework or fun projects I am thankful and at the same time so nostalgic for the days so full to the brim of need from my kiddos.  Life has changed so fast.

I find myself asking "what's next" often.  I find myself being pulled in so many directions, scared to truly jump into any one thing for fear of choosing wrong, or taking away from the little time I have with my toes in the other ponds.  It could be as simple as what makes the most money or as complex as 'what is my purpose?'.

But these are the questions of life aren't they?  Now that my head is fully above water I'm able to see that.  This is what I'll spend my days and my years mulling over and deciding.  What to do with my one wild and crazy life.  In the meantime I'm trying my best to keep my eyes and arms open.  It's the best I can do.