Christmas Eve

It's 11:03 on Christmas Eve and I just wrapped my last presents. I was honestly surprised to see the few unwrapped gifts in the back of my closet tonight because as usual I started looking for and wrapping gifts right about after the 4th of July.

But it's always a race to the finish isn't it?  No matter how much I've planned or how much I feel I've done, I'm always up late Christmas Eve.  Last year Ainsley's Santa gift didn't arrive in time. This year I was awaiting ONE skein of yarn to finish a Christmas sweater for Louise.  It came today so I guess it will have to be a New Year's sweater.

This morning I stirred around 4am.  I had to pee as I often still have to do in the middle of the night (thanks 3 children for the crap bladder!)  I snuggled back into bed under the soft brand new flannel sheets I bought for 20% off at Target with a black Friday coupon (go me!) and I couldn't for the life of me calm down to get back to sleep.  I was too excited about today and my Ainsley girl's 10th birthday.

10 years ago Ian and I were flat on the queen bed in the alternative birthing room at the local hospital ogling our new baby girl.  She was born around  9:30 pm, after probably 10 ish hours of labor and 45 minutes at the hospital.

My most vivid memories of that night were Ian driving on the shoulder of the IKE through downtown Chicago to bypass Christmas Eve city traffic and get us the F$*! home because it was our first baby and who knew how long we had?! Then I got home and things slowed down so I took and bath.  Then my water broke.  Then we high tailed it to the ER.  Then I was throwing up and out of my mind in pain and ran down the hallway from triage to delivery between a transition contraction when the nurse told me I was 9.5.  I had to start pushing on the bed which was not my plan because the midwife hadn't arrived yet.  Then she came with a santa hat on and I leapt into the tub and Ainsley was born POOF like that.  I got a candy cane afterwards.

I remember thinking Ainsley might have down syndrome when I first saw her. She looked so funny to me.  In retrospect I'm pretty sure I was in shock from the super fast birth and that she was my first and the first of anyone I knew so I hadn't seen a fresh newborn pretty much ever.

Ian and I were so young.  24 each.  It all felt so surreal.

The next morning my family came and brought us traditional Christmas morning egg bake and caramel rolls and it was the best food I'd ever tasted.

We opted to go home before 24 hours because I didn't want to sleep in the hospital another night.  I wanted to be home with my girl.

I remember driving home on Christmas Day and looking for a place to stop and grab some food for dinner but nothing was open, not even McDonalds.  I still don't remember what we ate that night.

Up until that exact moment Christmas day was the most sacred "don't mess with it" holiday for me.  I grew up with picture perfect uniform Christmases.  Wake up, run down stairs with sisters to see Santa gifts and undo stockings, crackling fire, orange juice and egg nog, presents galore under the tree.  Spend all morning unwrapping and trying on and playing.  Eat brunch of sausage egg bake and caramel rolls, play and lounge the afternoon away.  Prime rib or beef tenderloin for dinner, fancy dress attire, sleep sleep sleep.

That year everything changed.  My baby was born on my favorite holiday and I can't remember one moment of remorse. She made me grow up so fast.

Tonight I'm looking back 10 years and seeing so vividly how far I've come.  I can breathe through complete chaos (sometimes) yak yak yak about all the work to be done (really quadruple yak) and simultaneously truly really love putting the effort in for the people I love.

I probably won't sleep tonight. I am too excited to give the gifts I've put so much thought and time into.

I am too excited for the hope of tomorrow and the chance to finally get it right, to finally extricate all the bad stuff inside of me that's holding me back form who I could be, who I want to be.

Christmas then New Years, then NEW.  I'm so ready this year.