Last week I started texting myself. I got the idea spur of the moment when I didn't have any paper with me and needed to remember a simple knitting pattern someone told me about at church. Next it was a new idea for a children's book, about a grandma carrying around knitting in her bag for other people, all the places she knit it, all the little bits of lint and love woven into each stitch. Then it was a story about windows. A child nodding off while dreaming of the views out of her favorites: Grandparents' cabin, spring break getaways, mountains and woods and lakes, then finally home. That last one was inspired by Harold and the Purple Crayon. One of my all time favorites. BTW I know I should be using a lot more semi colons then I am but I'm such a lazy English major, especially when I'm drinking wine (which of course I am). Just now I was reading a new book and a quote struck me. Home is in the Soul. You will spend your life trying to get back to it. Texted again. Who says and old Becky can't learn new tricks?
Truth is I don't feel like old Becky at all. Correction, I'm trying so hard to come to grips with new Becky, or older Becky, or adult Becky, something like that.
Part of it is this time of year, I know. Winter after Christmas can be the pits. This year Minnesota's weather has been hard. December was mild and decent but January was the worst. Too icy or WAY too cold then quickly too wet and warm now icy again. We have not ice skated or skied or done much other than sled and make fires and dream of spring. I hate feeling like I've wasted a season more than just about anything. I've borrowed so many books from the library and tried so hard to motivate. I actually had a blast with my kids on the days off from school they had with the snow. Then immediate sadness because it so reminded me of how things used to be with them before they got so big. I'm struggling to find my new groove.
It's in part because our groove is constantly in flux. Every year brings new routines, new schedules, new priorities and demands. Each season brings new commitments and new arrangements, new expectations. My nerves are shot making big parenting decisions daily like should I let me kid quit viola? should I send my kid to school with a sore throat if they don't have a fever? should I write the principal about an para with anger issues? Should I pack up my family and move to Montana and never leave again ?!?!?!!
I look around me a lot and wonder if every other adult feels this way. Are we all doing things the way we are doing them because we feel like it's how we're supposed to be doing them? Do we convince ourselves that things are ok because we're made to believe this is as good as it can be? Do we pick our battles so much that we settle for this moderate unhappiness that follows us always?
Whoa truthbomb, but really. That's where I'm at.
Wednesday, April 24, 2019
Felix is 6!
Felix is 6! Time keeps ticking away.
He's still at the age where each year his growth is so exponential that I hardly recognize him from year to year. Last year this time he was a preschooler; begging me to stay as long as he could at school each day because he loved his friends so much. Now he's almost done with kindergarten: reading to us every night, doing math for fun when he's waiting for a sister at dance or after school, going to friends houses alone after school, coming back on time because he's a responsible little guy.
He still loves his workout clothes and comes down fully dressed for the day as he has since he was in his late 3's. He still loves juice, any sweet drink really. For his birthday I got him a gallon of chocolate milk at Costco and I'm pretty sure it's going to be one of his top presents. He's still an awesome eater, will try just about anything, even spicy things. For his birthday he wants hot dogs and macaroni, per kid tradition. I'm excited that it's going to be 74 today so we can grill. For dessert he couldn't decide, so i decided for him; homemade strawberry ice cream with whipped cream, sprinkles and cherries. Ian's confirmation class is putting on a banquet for the 8th graders tonight so he has to scoot out early so our plan is to open gifts and eat right after school then make a bonfire and enjoy the night outside.
I'm taking work off today so that I can go on a field trip with Felix to a local farm. I'm going to his class early to read a book and eat lunch with him, then taking him home straight from the farm. I'm wondering what we'll do with that hour before we have to go pick Ainsley up from STEM club. A park? Home to play? I'm just excited for some time alone with him.
Felix continues to be such a gift to me. He's had an emotional year with many more tears and troubles than normal. First friend problems have crept up and adjusting from a class of 10 where everyone got along to one of 24 with tiny cliques and dramas has been hard. But he cries, snuggles into my lap and everything is better. We can reboot each other so easily. I've always loved that about us.
I am so looking forward to the summer with him. He plays so well and could spend all day just making believe and being outside. Lakes and parks and sports and reading and crafts and snuggles while reading will fill our days easily and well.
I love you so much Felix and am so glad that you are ours. I can't wait to celebrate you extra today!!!
He's still at the age where each year his growth is so exponential that I hardly recognize him from year to year. Last year this time he was a preschooler; begging me to stay as long as he could at school each day because he loved his friends so much. Now he's almost done with kindergarten: reading to us every night, doing math for fun when he's waiting for a sister at dance or after school, going to friends houses alone after school, coming back on time because he's a responsible little guy.
He still loves his workout clothes and comes down fully dressed for the day as he has since he was in his late 3's. He still loves juice, any sweet drink really. For his birthday I got him a gallon of chocolate milk at Costco and I'm pretty sure it's going to be one of his top presents. He's still an awesome eater, will try just about anything, even spicy things. For his birthday he wants hot dogs and macaroni, per kid tradition. I'm excited that it's going to be 74 today so we can grill. For dessert he couldn't decide, so i decided for him; homemade strawberry ice cream with whipped cream, sprinkles and cherries. Ian's confirmation class is putting on a banquet for the 8th graders tonight so he has to scoot out early so our plan is to open gifts and eat right after school then make a bonfire and enjoy the night outside.
I'm taking work off today so that I can go on a field trip with Felix to a local farm. I'm going to his class early to read a book and eat lunch with him, then taking him home straight from the farm. I'm wondering what we'll do with that hour before we have to go pick Ainsley up from STEM club. A park? Home to play? I'm just excited for some time alone with him.
Felix continues to be such a gift to me. He's had an emotional year with many more tears and troubles than normal. First friend problems have crept up and adjusting from a class of 10 where everyone got along to one of 24 with tiny cliques and dramas has been hard. But he cries, snuggles into my lap and everything is better. We can reboot each other so easily. I've always loved that about us.
I am so looking forward to the summer with him. He plays so well and could spend all day just making believe and being outside. Lakes and parks and sports and reading and crafts and snuggles while reading will fill our days easily and well.
I love you so much Felix and am so glad that you are ours. I can't wait to celebrate you extra today!!!
Still Writing
It's almost like I'm playing an odd game of chance, going so long in between publishing posts on this old blog; is anyone still reading? does anyone care? heck do I still care? Sure I do. Based on the number of unpublished posts I've been racking up these past few years, I'd day I still care quite a lot.
Thing is, my life continues to change at such rapid speeds that by the time I go back to re-read something it all feels irrelevant or too much sharing about my now not baby at all children. Now my days aren't just in these 4 walls, with the bakery lady and the Trader Joes guy as my main two confidants. This space doesn't have the same need for me as it used to. Still I can't fully let go. It was such a big part of the biggest part of me that I'm struggling to move forward with.
Life just keeps moving forward doesn't it? They always told me it would, God willing, but here I am with a permanent deep wrinkle crease down the middle of my forehead and my first unmistakable grey hairs popping unyieldingly out of my hair part, and I hardly recognize myself.
I have often felt like I've done life a bit backwards. While I hear from most that their 20s were wild and crazy and confusing my 20s were the epitome of what I always wanted my adult life to be. I wanted to be a wife and a mom and homemaker extraordinaire. I struggled so much with Ainsley going off to kindergarten because I knew it was the beginning of the end of my favorite era in my life. And I was right.
To be honest I've felt a bit lost since our move back home. For 8 years I held moving back as the catch all solution to everything that had been ailing me. Then we moved and it wasn't miraculous, of course it wasn't. Everything shifted and I'm still trying to find my new normal. Every time I call up a sister to hang out with on a free weekend night I am SO grateful to have that, and at the same time sad that I don't have my friends in Oak Park. Every time I go to work I am so thankful I have that and sad that I'm not needed at home with my own tiny toddler anymore. Every time I have hours to myself to do housework or fun projects I am thankful and at the same time so nostalgic for the days so full to the brim of need from my kiddos. Life has changed so fast.
I find myself asking "what's next" often. I find myself being pulled in so many directions, scared to truly jump into any one thing for fear of choosing wrong, or taking away from the little time I have with my toes in the other ponds. It could be as simple as what makes the most money or as complex as 'what is my purpose?'.
But these are the questions of life aren't they? Now that my head is fully above water I'm able to see that. This is what I'll spend my days and my years mulling over and deciding. What to do with my one wild and crazy life. In the meantime I'm trying my best to keep my eyes and arms open. It's the best I can do.
Thing is, my life continues to change at such rapid speeds that by the time I go back to re-read something it all feels irrelevant or too much sharing about my now not baby at all children. Now my days aren't just in these 4 walls, with the bakery lady and the Trader Joes guy as my main two confidants. This space doesn't have the same need for me as it used to. Still I can't fully let go. It was such a big part of the biggest part of me that I'm struggling to move forward with.
Life just keeps moving forward doesn't it? They always told me it would, God willing, but here I am with a permanent deep wrinkle crease down the middle of my forehead and my first unmistakable grey hairs popping unyieldingly out of my hair part, and I hardly recognize myself.
I have often felt like I've done life a bit backwards. While I hear from most that their 20s were wild and crazy and confusing my 20s were the epitome of what I always wanted my adult life to be. I wanted to be a wife and a mom and homemaker extraordinaire. I struggled so much with Ainsley going off to kindergarten because I knew it was the beginning of the end of my favorite era in my life. And I was right.
To be honest I've felt a bit lost since our move back home. For 8 years I held moving back as the catch all solution to everything that had been ailing me. Then we moved and it wasn't miraculous, of course it wasn't. Everything shifted and I'm still trying to find my new normal. Every time I call up a sister to hang out with on a free weekend night I am SO grateful to have that, and at the same time sad that I don't have my friends in Oak Park. Every time I go to work I am so thankful I have that and sad that I'm not needed at home with my own tiny toddler anymore. Every time I have hours to myself to do housework or fun projects I am thankful and at the same time so nostalgic for the days so full to the brim of need from my kiddos. Life has changed so fast.
I find myself asking "what's next" often. I find myself being pulled in so many directions, scared to truly jump into any one thing for fear of choosing wrong, or taking away from the little time I have with my toes in the other ponds. It could be as simple as what makes the most money or as complex as 'what is my purpose?'.
But these are the questions of life aren't they? Now that my head is fully above water I'm able to see that. This is what I'll spend my days and my years mulling over and deciding. What to do with my one wild and crazy life. In the meantime I'm trying my best to keep my eyes and arms open. It's the best I can do.
Monday, December 24, 2018
Christmas Eve
It's 11:03 on Christmas Eve and I just wrapped my last presents. I was honestly surprised to see the few unwrapped gifts in the back of my closet tonight because as usual I started looking for and wrapping gifts right about after the 4th of July.
But it's always a race to the finish isn't it? No matter how much I've planned or how much I feel I've done, I'm always up late Christmas Eve. Last year Ainsley's Santa gift didn't arrive in time. This year I was awaiting ONE skein of yarn to finish a Christmas sweater for Louise. It came today so I guess it will have to be a New Year's sweater.
This morning I stirred around 4am. I had to pee as I often still have to do in the middle of the night (thanks 3 children for the crap bladder!) I snuggled back into bed under the soft brand new flannel sheets I bought for 20% off at Target with a black Friday coupon (go me!) and I couldn't for the life of me calm down to get back to sleep. I was too excited about today and my Ainsley girl's 10th birthday.
10 years ago Ian and I were flat on the queen bed in the alternative birthing room at the local hospital ogling our new baby girl. She was born around 9:30 pm, after probably 10 ish hours of labor and 45 minutes at the hospital.
My most vivid memories of that night were Ian driving on the shoulder of the IKE through downtown Chicago to bypass Christmas Eve city traffic and get us the F$*! home because it was our first baby and who knew how long we had?! Then I got home and things slowed down so I took and bath. Then my water broke. Then we high tailed it to the ER. Then I was throwing up and out of my mind in pain and ran down the hallway from triage to delivery between a transition contraction when the nurse told me I was 9.5. I had to start pushing on the bed which was not my plan because the midwife hadn't arrived yet. Then she came with a santa hat on and I leapt into the tub and Ainsley was born POOF like that. I got a candy cane afterwards.
I remember thinking Ainsley might have down syndrome when I first saw her. She looked so funny to me. In retrospect I'm pretty sure I was in shock from the super fast birth and that she was my first and the first of anyone I knew so I hadn't seen a fresh newborn pretty much ever.
Ian and I were so young. 24 each. It all felt so surreal.
The next morning my family came and brought us traditional Christmas morning egg bake and caramel rolls and it was the best food I'd ever tasted.
We opted to go home before 24 hours because I didn't want to sleep in the hospital another night. I wanted to be home with my girl.
I remember driving home on Christmas Day and looking for a place to stop and grab some food for dinner but nothing was open, not even McDonalds. I still don't remember what we ate that night.
Up until that exact moment Christmas day was the most sacred "don't mess with it" holiday for me. I grew up with picture perfect uniform Christmases. Wake up, run down stairs with sisters to see Santa gifts and undo stockings, crackling fire, orange juice and egg nog, presents galore under the tree. Spend all morning unwrapping and trying on and playing. Eat brunch of sausage egg bake and caramel rolls, play and lounge the afternoon away. Prime rib or beef tenderloin for dinner, fancy dress attire, sleep sleep sleep.
That year everything changed. My baby was born on my favorite holiday and I can't remember one moment of remorse. She made me grow up so fast.
Tonight I'm looking back 10 years and seeing so vividly how far I've come. I can breathe through complete chaos (sometimes) yak yak yak about all the work to be done (really quadruple yak) and simultaneously truly really love putting the effort in for the people I love.
I probably won't sleep tonight. I am too excited to give the gifts I've put so much thought and time into.
I am too excited for the hope of tomorrow and the chance to finally get it right, to finally extricate all the bad stuff inside of me that's holding me back form who I could be, who I want to be.
Christmas then New Years, then NEW. I'm so ready this year.
But it's always a race to the finish isn't it? No matter how much I've planned or how much I feel I've done, I'm always up late Christmas Eve. Last year Ainsley's Santa gift didn't arrive in time. This year I was awaiting ONE skein of yarn to finish a Christmas sweater for Louise. It came today so I guess it will have to be a New Year's sweater.
This morning I stirred around 4am. I had to pee as I often still have to do in the middle of the night (thanks 3 children for the crap bladder!) I snuggled back into bed under the soft brand new flannel sheets I bought for 20% off at Target with a black Friday coupon (go me!) and I couldn't for the life of me calm down to get back to sleep. I was too excited about today and my Ainsley girl's 10th birthday.
10 years ago Ian and I were flat on the queen bed in the alternative birthing room at the local hospital ogling our new baby girl. She was born around 9:30 pm, after probably 10 ish hours of labor and 45 minutes at the hospital.
My most vivid memories of that night were Ian driving on the shoulder of the IKE through downtown Chicago to bypass Christmas Eve city traffic and get us the F$*! home because it was our first baby and who knew how long we had?! Then I got home and things slowed down so I took and bath. Then my water broke. Then we high tailed it to the ER. Then I was throwing up and out of my mind in pain and ran down the hallway from triage to delivery between a transition contraction when the nurse told me I was 9.5. I had to start pushing on the bed which was not my plan because the midwife hadn't arrived yet. Then she came with a santa hat on and I leapt into the tub and Ainsley was born POOF like that. I got a candy cane afterwards.
I remember thinking Ainsley might have down syndrome when I first saw her. She looked so funny to me. In retrospect I'm pretty sure I was in shock from the super fast birth and that she was my first and the first of anyone I knew so I hadn't seen a fresh newborn pretty much ever.
Ian and I were so young. 24 each. It all felt so surreal.
The next morning my family came and brought us traditional Christmas morning egg bake and caramel rolls and it was the best food I'd ever tasted.
We opted to go home before 24 hours because I didn't want to sleep in the hospital another night. I wanted to be home with my girl.
I remember driving home on Christmas Day and looking for a place to stop and grab some food for dinner but nothing was open, not even McDonalds. I still don't remember what we ate that night.
Up until that exact moment Christmas day was the most sacred "don't mess with it" holiday for me. I grew up with picture perfect uniform Christmases. Wake up, run down stairs with sisters to see Santa gifts and undo stockings, crackling fire, orange juice and egg nog, presents galore under the tree. Spend all morning unwrapping and trying on and playing. Eat brunch of sausage egg bake and caramel rolls, play and lounge the afternoon away. Prime rib or beef tenderloin for dinner, fancy dress attire, sleep sleep sleep.
That year everything changed. My baby was born on my favorite holiday and I can't remember one moment of remorse. She made me grow up so fast.
Tonight I'm looking back 10 years and seeing so vividly how far I've come. I can breathe through complete chaos (sometimes) yak yak yak about all the work to be done (really quadruple yak) and simultaneously truly really love putting the effort in for the people I love.
I probably won't sleep tonight. I am too excited to give the gifts I've put so much thought and time into.
I am too excited for the hope of tomorrow and the chance to finally get it right, to finally extricate all the bad stuff inside of me that's holding me back form who I could be, who I want to be.
Christmas then New Years, then NEW. I'm so ready this year.
Wednesday, December 5, 2018
My Chains
In case you want to listen to some great music once you've read the first bit...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkTsbbrFQEg&index=2&list=PL9cpYnkl2A41SiIh6gCqhIYfauMerXlP7
When I was a girl my mom used to take me and my three sisters to the Lorie Line Christmas concert every year. We'd dress up and go to dinner on the way to downtown, usually Olive Garden; microwaved Italian never tasted so good. We'd park and feel so cultured walking in our Sunday best to the Orpheum theater.
I loved those concerts so much. We'd jingle our limited edition, just made for that years' concerts, holiday bells. Us 5 ladies singing away and enjoying the anticipation of the Christmas season to the fullest. What wonderful memories you made for us mom.
Now I still listen to Lorie's Christmas albums. I play her music on the piano. Each time remembering the magic of those concerts and how much my mom LOVED her music.
I married a man who is the most objective person in the world when it comes to music. I? just love when it gets me in the gut; when it's connected to something or some time that mattered to me.
Fun bonus fact? Lorie and her family went to our church growing up and once in a Blue Moon she'd play for the congregation. Talk about celebrity sightings! Wayzata is practically LA! ;o)
So here I sit anticipating another Christmas. My children all in the perfect stages of big enough to love and get it, still young enough to believe it all.
Christmas has morphed for me so much in the past few years. The child like giddiness is all but gone but in it's place is a calm and steady desire to simply enjoy this season and share in the joy and share THE joy as much as I can.
Our remarkable interim pastor started out advent season preaching about reflection and regret. We were handed tiny chain links upon our entry to the sanctuary and the service started with a jarring and amazing soliloquy by a gifted parishioner of the Jacob Marley speech from "A Christmas Carol". The sermon later stated that while our economy would love you to see the time before Christmas as solely a time to purchase and plan and buy some more, our hearts and our God want us to look back and think hard about the parts about us that we don't like; the things we've done and said that we wished we hadn't; the chains we've forged in life.
After the service I joked with Ian "well that wasn't relevant to me at all."
Of course it's relevant, to us all. We live in a time where everyone is trying so desperately to put their best food forward. I mean I have a preschool mom taking her daughter out of school for a month so she can get a boob job for goodness sakes! (seriously trying not to judge you guys, but a boob job?!)
I personally can think of a multitude of regrets. Times I haven't handled things well, yelled when I shouldn't have, really damaged relationships and not done the right thing at all. Worse yet are the bad patterns and habits that make these regrets regular occurrences. Depressing right?
Truthfully I am so thankful for the frankness of our new pastor. He talks about the hard things which is teaching me that by talking about, and dealing with, the hard things, we grow and we get better.
It feels good to be allowed to be contemplative and a bit sad this time of year. As adults we know the long winter is coming, we know that at any turn life can change and life in the best and most beautiful of circumstances, is still hard. We look at the children around us, seeing the magic and pure joy, and feel simultaneous glee and despair. We know we can never feel that pure magic again.
Yet the circle of life lets the magic live on in our children.
Louise had a poetry assignment earlier this year that started and ended with her first and last names, in between she filled in lines about her personality. Her first line stated that she was spiritual. I've never heard her use that word before. I was so filled with joy that she feels and acknowledges that about herself.
I can newly acknowledge my spirituality as well. I can also recognize my faults and downfalls and at the same time my strengths. How can I break the chains I have forged?
I know I can start with this Christmas season. We can have our joy, but first we must have our contemplation.
Define our regrets, change our ways, live in the most good and full ways that we can. THIS is the Christmas I strive for this year.
AMEN!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkTsbbrFQEg&index=2&list=PL9cpYnkl2A41SiIh6gCqhIYfauMerXlP7
When I was a girl my mom used to take me and my three sisters to the Lorie Line Christmas concert every year. We'd dress up and go to dinner on the way to downtown, usually Olive Garden; microwaved Italian never tasted so good. We'd park and feel so cultured walking in our Sunday best to the Orpheum theater.
I loved those concerts so much. We'd jingle our limited edition, just made for that years' concerts, holiday bells. Us 5 ladies singing away and enjoying the anticipation of the Christmas season to the fullest. What wonderful memories you made for us mom.
Now I still listen to Lorie's Christmas albums. I play her music on the piano. Each time remembering the magic of those concerts and how much my mom LOVED her music.
I married a man who is the most objective person in the world when it comes to music. I? just love when it gets me in the gut; when it's connected to something or some time that mattered to me.
Fun bonus fact? Lorie and her family went to our church growing up and once in a Blue Moon she'd play for the congregation. Talk about celebrity sightings! Wayzata is practically LA! ;o)
So here I sit anticipating another Christmas. My children all in the perfect stages of big enough to love and get it, still young enough to believe it all.
Christmas has morphed for me so much in the past few years. The child like giddiness is all but gone but in it's place is a calm and steady desire to simply enjoy this season and share in the joy and share THE joy as much as I can.
Our remarkable interim pastor started out advent season preaching about reflection and regret. We were handed tiny chain links upon our entry to the sanctuary and the service started with a jarring and amazing soliloquy by a gifted parishioner of the Jacob Marley speech from "A Christmas Carol". The sermon later stated that while our economy would love you to see the time before Christmas as solely a time to purchase and plan and buy some more, our hearts and our God want us to look back and think hard about the parts about us that we don't like; the things we've done and said that we wished we hadn't; the chains we've forged in life.
After the service I joked with Ian "well that wasn't relevant to me at all."
Of course it's relevant, to us all. We live in a time where everyone is trying so desperately to put their best food forward. I mean I have a preschool mom taking her daughter out of school for a month so she can get a boob job for goodness sakes! (seriously trying not to judge you guys, but a boob job?!)
I personally can think of a multitude of regrets. Times I haven't handled things well, yelled when I shouldn't have, really damaged relationships and not done the right thing at all. Worse yet are the bad patterns and habits that make these regrets regular occurrences. Depressing right?
Truthfully I am so thankful for the frankness of our new pastor. He talks about the hard things which is teaching me that by talking about, and dealing with, the hard things, we grow and we get better.
It feels good to be allowed to be contemplative and a bit sad this time of year. As adults we know the long winter is coming, we know that at any turn life can change and life in the best and most beautiful of circumstances, is still hard. We look at the children around us, seeing the magic and pure joy, and feel simultaneous glee and despair. We know we can never feel that pure magic again.
Yet the circle of life lets the magic live on in our children.
Louise had a poetry assignment earlier this year that started and ended with her first and last names, in between she filled in lines about her personality. Her first line stated that she was spiritual. I've never heard her use that word before. I was so filled with joy that she feels and acknowledges that about herself.
I can newly acknowledge my spirituality as well. I can also recognize my faults and downfalls and at the same time my strengths. How can I break the chains I have forged?
I know I can start with this Christmas season. We can have our joy, but first we must have our contemplation.
Define our regrets, change our ways, live in the most good and full ways that we can. THIS is the Christmas I strive for this year.
AMEN!
Saturday, December 1, 2018
This Moment
Ainsley May 9 (almost 10!)
My Ainsley girl, we're almost 10 years into this together and you've been you from the very start. You are still my imaginative creative vibrant girl. If you had your way you'd spend your school hours writing long stories with elaborate illustrations, making inventions, sewing and crafting, singing and dancing and acting.
You really dislike the structure of school and homework and math but you still hold your love of chemistry fiercely so you're mustering through.
You've taught yourself most of the periodic table and keep a book about it in your backpack at all times. You love any chance to share your knowledge of chemistry with others.
You love your quiet time watching "big kid" shows but are still so sensitive to most movies with anything sad in them.
You love to cook and bake and concoct mixtures with soap and glue and anything you can get your hands on. I still find hidden bowls of unrecognizable crud in your room or under the bathroom sink almost weekly.
You LOVE church and your friends there. You beg to come with me any chance that you can.
You are so excited for basketball starting up and being in your first musical at school this winter. I am excited for you too. I've had a hunch that theater might just be your "thing" for quite some time now.
You begged us to play the viola for almost 2 years and now that you finally are you are finding the practicing and slow pace tedious. As usual you want to be an expert right away and are frustrated that it takes so much work. We're making you power through until the new year (that's how long we rented the instrument for). I have my fingers crossed that you keep going. I think you could be great at it.
You struggle more than most kids I know with friends and school stuff but are so strong and somehow have maintained your spark through many situations of hardship.
You are growing up to be such a beautiful charismatic young lady with such a kind heart (when you want to show it to us ;o).
I love you this moment, sassy and big eyed, too cool for school and daily humbled, snuggly and sweet.
Louise Adele (8)
Oh Louise, you are, for lack of a better term, our little complex unendingly sweet and empathetic tomboy. Your style has erupted this last year and your shy smile when you tried on your first matching sports warm up suit was almost too much cuteness.
You very kindly and carefully told me a few months back that you really aren't comfortable in dresses so we've been finding alternative dress up clothes for you for church. Right now nice pants and a blouse or sweater do the trick but I think if I let you you'd just wear your sports clothes all the time.
You LOVED playing soccer this fall and was sad when it was over. You are excited to play again in the spring.
You're doing dance again and your dad and I have loved that one on one time with you on Mondays driving you to and from your two classes, sitting with you for the half hour in between doing your homework and chatting. What a special time with our growing girl.
You continue to be incredibly self sufficient You know what your homework is and what you need to do each day.
You are such a good sister and friend and it warms my heart to see you look out for others and play so nicely.
You love art and reading the most but also tackle your math and other work with determination.
You are so good at so many things.
We can't wait to see who you grow up to be.
I love you this moment, sporty and sweet, wise and kind, silly and scrumptious.
Felix Daniel (5)
Felix I cannot get over how much you have grown since we moved three years ago. You went from a tiny toddler who needed his blankie to get through the door of preschool to a 5 year old who's taken the bus to and from school all year without one peep of nerves or sadness.
You LOVE school. You are my little sponge right now learning so much and taking it all in.
You started reading last year when you and I worked on a book together and have been reading Dick and Jane every night for many weeks now. Each night you learn a new word or two and once you've learned it it sticks in your brain and you rarely have to sound it out again.
You are very into non fiction and love learning about anything you can about the world around you and history: dinosaurs, planets, insects, geology. You beeline for the nonfiction section at the library and are so proud to check out your books on your own card (though you make me carry them to the car :oP).
You played soccer for the first time too this fall and loved it just as much as Louise. You love your sports clothes just like your big sister and would wear athletic shorts and T shirts every day if you could. I finally broke down and bought you a pair of compression tights to wear under your shorts so you can wear them all winter long.
You are a happy boy. You are so silly and laugh all the time. You are definitely the most social of all of us and want to be playing with friends every day after school. Lucky for you one of your best buds lives just up the street and another across the street so you're rarely at a loss for playmates.
Right now you are our little Jack of all Trades. You've recently gotten into art, you've always loved music and dancing, you're sporty and smart and friendly.
You can do anything you want in life buddy.
I love you right now, precious and little, big and growing, quick and smart.
My Ainsley girl, we're almost 10 years into this together and you've been you from the very start. You are still my imaginative creative vibrant girl. If you had your way you'd spend your school hours writing long stories with elaborate illustrations, making inventions, sewing and crafting, singing and dancing and acting.
You really dislike the structure of school and homework and math but you still hold your love of chemistry fiercely so you're mustering through.
You've taught yourself most of the periodic table and keep a book about it in your backpack at all times. You love any chance to share your knowledge of chemistry with others.
You love your quiet time watching "big kid" shows but are still so sensitive to most movies with anything sad in them.
You love to cook and bake and concoct mixtures with soap and glue and anything you can get your hands on. I still find hidden bowls of unrecognizable crud in your room or under the bathroom sink almost weekly.
You LOVE church and your friends there. You beg to come with me any chance that you can.
You are so excited for basketball starting up and being in your first musical at school this winter. I am excited for you too. I've had a hunch that theater might just be your "thing" for quite some time now.
You begged us to play the viola for almost 2 years and now that you finally are you are finding the practicing and slow pace tedious. As usual you want to be an expert right away and are frustrated that it takes so much work. We're making you power through until the new year (that's how long we rented the instrument for). I have my fingers crossed that you keep going. I think you could be great at it.
You struggle more than most kids I know with friends and school stuff but are so strong and somehow have maintained your spark through many situations of hardship.
You are growing up to be such a beautiful charismatic young lady with such a kind heart (when you want to show it to us ;o).
I love you this moment, sassy and big eyed, too cool for school and daily humbled, snuggly and sweet.
Louise Adele (8)
Oh Louise, you are, for lack of a better term, our little complex unendingly sweet and empathetic tomboy. Your style has erupted this last year and your shy smile when you tried on your first matching sports warm up suit was almost too much cuteness.
You very kindly and carefully told me a few months back that you really aren't comfortable in dresses so we've been finding alternative dress up clothes for you for church. Right now nice pants and a blouse or sweater do the trick but I think if I let you you'd just wear your sports clothes all the time.
You LOVED playing soccer this fall and was sad when it was over. You are excited to play again in the spring.
You're doing dance again and your dad and I have loved that one on one time with you on Mondays driving you to and from your two classes, sitting with you for the half hour in between doing your homework and chatting. What a special time with our growing girl.
You continue to be incredibly self sufficient You know what your homework is and what you need to do each day.
You are such a good sister and friend and it warms my heart to see you look out for others and play so nicely.
You love art and reading the most but also tackle your math and other work with determination.
You are so good at so many things.
We can't wait to see who you grow up to be.
I love you this moment, sporty and sweet, wise and kind, silly and scrumptious.
Felix Daniel (5)
Felix I cannot get over how much you have grown since we moved three years ago. You went from a tiny toddler who needed his blankie to get through the door of preschool to a 5 year old who's taken the bus to and from school all year without one peep of nerves or sadness.
You LOVE school. You are my little sponge right now learning so much and taking it all in.
You started reading last year when you and I worked on a book together and have been reading Dick and Jane every night for many weeks now. Each night you learn a new word or two and once you've learned it it sticks in your brain and you rarely have to sound it out again.
You are very into non fiction and love learning about anything you can about the world around you and history: dinosaurs, planets, insects, geology. You beeline for the nonfiction section at the library and are so proud to check out your books on your own card (though you make me carry them to the car :oP).
You played soccer for the first time too this fall and loved it just as much as Louise. You love your sports clothes just like your big sister and would wear athletic shorts and T shirts every day if you could. I finally broke down and bought you a pair of compression tights to wear under your shorts so you can wear them all winter long.
You are a happy boy. You are so silly and laugh all the time. You are definitely the most social of all of us and want to be playing with friends every day after school. Lucky for you one of your best buds lives just up the street and another across the street so you're rarely at a loss for playmates.
Right now you are our little Jack of all Trades. You've recently gotten into art, you've always loved music and dancing, you're sporty and smart and friendly.
You can do anything you want in life buddy.
I love you right now, precious and little, big and growing, quick and smart.
Tuesday, November 6, 2018
Fall Update 2018
I feel like I'm finally settling into fall. Just last week was my first week with no extra work and no kids home sick. I had two whole days to get things done and it felt so good.
I am loving my new job so much. I love having a reason to shower and get dressed in the morning. It's the first time in many years that I've had to make myself a priority in the mornings right along with the kids. I eat breakfast, even swipe on mascara most mornings, it feels great.
It also, unashamedly, feels so good to get some external validation for a job well done. To remember myself that I love teaching so much and my passion for early childhood education wasn't sucked out of me after raising my three through that stage ;o).
Working has helped tremendously with my productivity as well. I, mostly, stay on top of laundry and other chores much better than when I was home all day with the kids. I feel less burned out even though my schedule is so much busier between my work and church and kid commitments.
I am as excited for the fall holidays as ever. Halloween went by without much ado this year. For the first time I took advantage of the one day Target costume sale and bought them all off the rack across the board. Louise was Hermione (what perfect hair she has for that), Felix was a blue Ninja (the blue was a specific need) and Ainsley was a monarch/Halloween butterfly. I love to see the themes developing with my kids. Louise is almost always a favorite character from a books she's read, Felix is some sort of super hero/bad guy and Ainsley is something friendly and classic. She wanted to be a friendly spider but I was confident I could not bring her vision to life in the way she wanted and was relieved when she was satisfied with the butterfly.
Now that Halloween candy has been hidden and decorations have been taken down I am so looking forward to this season of Thanksgiving. This year we're having Thanksgiving at Ian's Uncle's with his extended family. I'm excited for a big family meal, slightly stressed that I'm responsible for the turkeys to feed 20+ people, and a tidge bummed that we're not hosting so I can't cook the day away in our happy home which is my favorite way to spend Thanksgiving. It's a good continued lesson for me in letting go and being flexible. I don't want to get too rigid with Holidays. It'll be a great day.
I am of course already looking forward to Christmas as well. I have more than half of my shopping done, nothing too big, but bits and pieces for almost everyone stashed away in my not so secret hiding spot in the back of my closet. I'll have to find a new hiding spot soon or I fear I may get some pre Christmas peekers.
For the first year Felix is asking for NO toys. All he wants, and he's been very consistent with this request for months, is a batman CD player and classic rock CDs. I of course can't find a batman CD player so I'm thinking a black one with some stickers will have to do. As for the classic rock? Well he dislikes almost all pop music and the only radio station he likes is the oldies one and even on that he's honed in on his favorite genre. I'm excited for that gift for him.
Louise as usual is asking for nothing in particular. All that she really wants and needs are clothes as she and Ainsley are essentially in the same size now and long sleeved things are in a shortage around here. Louise has asked for a professional art kit and is very into geology. It's always fun to find a few little things for my sweet girl.
Ainsley, as usual, is asking for some elaborate fairy concoction from Santa. I have to admire her gumption, but come on girl! I'm knitting her two sweaters (Louise too actually) and getting her a few small things she's asked for over the past few months. We'll see if Santa can get away with a non magical gift AGAIN this year.
I am going very knitting heavy this year with gifts. I have 7 pretty big projects that I'm hoping to get done. Just yesterday I added one more very ambitious projects to my list. I found the pattern and ordered the yarn in one fell swoop so there's no turning back now!
I just love this season of anticipation and preparation so much. We've already had multiple nights by the fire playing games or reading books. Our craft wall is being filled with turkey projects as we speak. AND I just bought a new charger for the switch because goodness knows there will be lots of time spent in the basement with Mario Cart and Just Dance this winter.
We're getting ready. I love it all so much. Happy late fall!
I am loving my new job so much. I love having a reason to shower and get dressed in the morning. It's the first time in many years that I've had to make myself a priority in the mornings right along with the kids. I eat breakfast, even swipe on mascara most mornings, it feels great.
It also, unashamedly, feels so good to get some external validation for a job well done. To remember myself that I love teaching so much and my passion for early childhood education wasn't sucked out of me after raising my three through that stage ;o).
Working has helped tremendously with my productivity as well. I, mostly, stay on top of laundry and other chores much better than when I was home all day with the kids. I feel less burned out even though my schedule is so much busier between my work and church and kid commitments.
I am as excited for the fall holidays as ever. Halloween went by without much ado this year. For the first time I took advantage of the one day Target costume sale and bought them all off the rack across the board. Louise was Hermione (what perfect hair she has for that), Felix was a blue Ninja (the blue was a specific need) and Ainsley was a monarch/Halloween butterfly. I love to see the themes developing with my kids. Louise is almost always a favorite character from a books she's read, Felix is some sort of super hero/bad guy and Ainsley is something friendly and classic. She wanted to be a friendly spider but I was confident I could not bring her vision to life in the way she wanted and was relieved when she was satisfied with the butterfly.
Now that Halloween candy has been hidden and decorations have been taken down I am so looking forward to this season of Thanksgiving. This year we're having Thanksgiving at Ian's Uncle's with his extended family. I'm excited for a big family meal, slightly stressed that I'm responsible for the turkeys to feed 20+ people, and a tidge bummed that we're not hosting so I can't cook the day away in our happy home which is my favorite way to spend Thanksgiving. It's a good continued lesson for me in letting go and being flexible. I don't want to get too rigid with Holidays. It'll be a great day.
I am of course already looking forward to Christmas as well. I have more than half of my shopping done, nothing too big, but bits and pieces for almost everyone stashed away in my not so secret hiding spot in the back of my closet. I'll have to find a new hiding spot soon or I fear I may get some pre Christmas peekers.
For the first year Felix is asking for NO toys. All he wants, and he's been very consistent with this request for months, is a batman CD player and classic rock CDs. I of course can't find a batman CD player so I'm thinking a black one with some stickers will have to do. As for the classic rock? Well he dislikes almost all pop music and the only radio station he likes is the oldies one and even on that he's honed in on his favorite genre. I'm excited for that gift for him.
Louise as usual is asking for nothing in particular. All that she really wants and needs are clothes as she and Ainsley are essentially in the same size now and long sleeved things are in a shortage around here. Louise has asked for a professional art kit and is very into geology. It's always fun to find a few little things for my sweet girl.
Ainsley, as usual, is asking for some elaborate fairy concoction from Santa. I have to admire her gumption, but come on girl! I'm knitting her two sweaters (Louise too actually) and getting her a few small things she's asked for over the past few months. We'll see if Santa can get away with a non magical gift AGAIN this year.
I am going very knitting heavy this year with gifts. I have 7 pretty big projects that I'm hoping to get done. Just yesterday I added one more very ambitious projects to my list. I found the pattern and ordered the yarn in one fell swoop so there's no turning back now!
I just love this season of anticipation and preparation so much. We've already had multiple nights by the fire playing games or reading books. Our craft wall is being filled with turkey projects as we speak. AND I just bought a new charger for the switch because goodness knows there will be lots of time spent in the basement with Mario Cart and Just Dance this winter.
We're getting ready. I love it all so much. Happy late fall!
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