On the Sunny Side of the Street

After the last post I vowed to write again when I was feeling more optimistic. Of course I waited too long and the two days of relative calm that I've had are now ending with another night of worry (lots of lower back pain tonight, no contractions though).

STILL, my attempt is to recall that calm and focus on the positive. Clearly worrying constantly doesn't help.

My mom has been amazing (have I mentioned this yet?) She is not only watching Ainsley from 8-5:30 while Ian's at work, but she cooks, cleans, organizes, the woman has even tiled our backsplash in the kitchen for us. (The white penny tile ended up being a good choice. It looks amazing, fits with the age of the house, AND at$4 a square foot, was quite the deal.) She has taken Ainsley out every morning to do errands, whether it be groceries, the fabric store, or Gap and Old Navy (where she's spoiled both Ainsley and I with some new items - thank heavens for comfy pants during bedrest!) Every afternoon they either go out back to play in the giraffe pool, up the street in the wagon to the park, or the 15 minute walk to the park by our old apartment with the splash zone. Ainsley is so in love and I think now will be double traumatized by the addition of a new sister AND her Grammy leaving. I'm glad they've gotten along so swimmingly.

As for Ainsley herself, she is growing up SO fast. Lying on the couch and observing her I've been able to see her from a whole new perspective. She is talking so much. Every condiment is now "salsa" which is hilarious when what she wants is clearly a stick of butter. You need only say "do you want to go outside?" and she dives into all her outside words as if marking off a checklist, "shoes, pool, outside" then she turns to me and promptly says "bye bye!" with a casual wave. In the morning she immediately asks for a "bar" and then wants to see "dada" or "mama" depending on who gets her up. The cutest new development is that she'll run up to you and hug your leg and say "happy!" or at least we think she's saying happy. She also says "abby" ALL the time and none of us have any idea what she means.

She signs very little now and when I sign to her she only answers in words. She is also getting her old Ainsley temperament back. She screams a lot and has started throwing little tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants or is frustrated. Ian and I are still figuring out how to handle this. Luckily for now they are still few and far between. Plus I feel like I need to cut her some slack. She may by 18 months old, but she's no fool. She knows that something is up and while she's dealt really well with everything so far you can tell the change of pace may be wearing on her a bit. She's being such a trooper.

As for me, I'm starting to finally settle down into my new roll as couch potato. Ian downloaded the Sims onto my new computer, including the new expansion pack my sister sent and I spent the afternoon making quite the awesome marsh bungalow. I've already knitted a pair of preemie sized booties and a hat both to get the knitting juices flowing and for piece of mind just in case. I take comfort in the fact that if we have a teeny tiny baby in the near future I can at least put something homemade on her right away. I'm continuing to work on the matinee jacket for the new baby and her baby blanket. I'm going to look online for some yarn to make Ainsley's fall sweater and GINORMOUS Christmas stocking #2 for the new baby (to match the one I made Ainsley).

I finally bit the bullet and packed a hospital bag. While I'm not superstitious I was hesitant/in denial until recently but would rather be prepared in the event that we need to go. I am 32 weeks on Friday and have an appointment with the midwives in the morning. 32 weeks was my next big goal after getting all of the bad news a little over a week ago so I'm feeling more hopeful than ever. If I make it that far I've at least proved the one test wrong which I'm hoping will give me a much needed boost of confidence. I still can't get over how worried I was being put on bedrest with Ainsley at 34 weeks and now it's all I'm praying for.

The baby is anywhere from 3.5-4 pounds and growing every day. My sister told me that 1 day in the womb is equivalent to 3 on the outside so on the really hard days I know that every hour is counting. I don't think I've ever prayed so much in my life or been so thankful for all of the support and for God choosing to answer my prayers, at least for the time being.

One of the hardest parts of all of this, besides the worrying, laying down, and guilt, is switching gears from being SO excited to meet our new little girl to being terrified that she's coming too soon. I am mourning the loss of a normal pregnancy, getting to waddle around town and show off my tweedle dee striped swimsuit at the pool. I know it is of course for the best possible reason, but it's hard nonetheless.

Thank you everyone again for all of the kind thoughts, prayers, and support. We're doing well and I'll keep you posted.

Up and Down

Day 6 of bedrest. I really shouldn't start a count.

My mom's birthday was yesterday. My Aunt and cousin came down to drop off delicious dinner and dessert. My dad came into town as well to celebrate.

I have so much guilt. Guilt about taking my mom away from her life in Minnesota, for who knows how long. Guilt about somehow feeling responsible for putting the baby in danger, for not for foreseeing this happening.

This is just so hard. As supportive as everyone has been, and as low key as the doctors and midwives try to be I just can't get out of my head. I am a wreck. I am so wrought with worry that every braxton hicks is going to turn into full labor, or at least progress me further to that point. The baby isn't moving enough, something must be wrong. The baby is moving too much, I'm afraid she's going to try and kick her way out. I question every back pain, cramp, twinge, kick, sensation. It is utterly exhausting. And I'm only 6 days in.

On top of it all, I can't be a good mom to Ainsley. She got sick last night and I was able to hold her and snuggle for a while, but my stomach started seizing up and I got anxious and Ian had to take over. It breaks my heart that I can't be her mom in the way that she's used to. I know she's so little and won't remember this, but I will.

It's just hard and i needed to vent.

I still have faith and hope that this baby won't come for a long while yet. I think I'm partly still in denial though too. This is just a down bit I know. I'm hoping things will be looking up again soon.

Bedrest Update

Yesterday my mom got into town. What a blessing. She has not only single handedly been taking care of Ainsley, but cooking, cleaning, and organizing our embarrassingly disarrayed house.

Thank goodness for her help, especially in the past two days as Ian and I have had a lot going on.

I met with the midwives collaborative OB/GYN yesterday. I was annoyed after waiting for an hour to see her (this is one of the MANY reasons I love the midwives, no waiting, and MAJOR apologies if there ever is one) but the meeting couldn't have gone more smoothly. She was optimistic and positive and I felt calm for the first time in days after leaving her office.

She did recommend that I get a series of steroid shots (I can't remember the name or spell it for the life of me) to help speed up the baby's lung production should she be born early. So Ian and I had to scoot over to the hospital. I was admitted, the baby was monitored and I got my first steroid shot (huge needle, in the butt, thought I was going to simultaneously throw up and faint when I stood up afterwards) and we went home (total time for doctor and hospital 4 hours!). I got my second one this morning, and will get the remaining two this evening and tomorrow morning.

It's been quite the whirlwind. Part of why I chose the midwives to start with was the whole non-medical personalized approach. I really dislike doctors offices and hospitals. My heart rate and blood pressure shoot up, and I get more contractions while I'm there and for hours after leaving because of the stress. Right now I feel great, but I dread going back in 6 hours to do it all over again.

I am hoping that after tomorrow morning's last shot/hospital visit I can finally calm down for good and just settle into my little space on the couch and enjoy all the wonderful goodies my sisters and mom sent me to keep me occupied (books, movies, magazines etc.). I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so much support and love. It's been hard to keep calm and stay positive at times but knowing the support that we have is amazing.

Thank you!

++

I want to start by thanking everyone for their thoughts and support over the past few days as we've uncovered a few issues that have arisen. It means so much to know that there are so many people thinking of us and praying for this little one. So thank you again.

The ultrasound yesterday started off well. We got another look at our sweet little girl who is *growing beautifully and getting stronger everyday. Then came time to check my cervical length and the borderline antisocial technician (why is it that most ultrasound techs are SO emotion-less?) just stated "yes, you have a short cervix." Not what I wanted to hear, but not unexpected. But how short was it? Was I starting to dilate? I got no details at the ultrasound and had to wait until we drove home from downtown and talked to the midwives.

The news was not good.

A normal cervix at 30 weeks is more than 3cm long. Under 2 cm puts you at a higher risk for preterm labor/birth. Mine is 1.2, funneled, and the funneled part is dilated to 2cm right near the baby's head.

The midwife kept talking calmly about the next steps to take. I vaguely remember hearing, strict bedrest, chance of going into labor in the next 2 weeks is high, choosing a hospital with a level 3 nicu to give birth at, steroid shots to advance the baby's lung development.

I was in complete shock. I got off the phone and completely fell apart. How is this happening? AGAIN. How is it so much worse this time around? Why is my body doing this? Is there anything that I could have done to prevent it?

The guilt and sadness that I felt, and still feel, is overwhelming. The one thing that keeps me positive for at least brief intervals is remembering how scared I was when I went through this with Ainsley and that everything turned out fine in the end.

At this point the goal is to make it to 32 weeks, the next big landmark for the baby. I can't let my mind go further than that because I need to just focus on now.

After laying down for the second half of the day yesterday the braxton hicks FINALLY subsided for the first time in weeks and I could feel my body relax. While it is going to be one of the hardest things I've done to lie down day after day and NOT do all of the millions of things on my mental list of to dos before the baby comes, it's all I can do for her and I pray that it's enough.

My mom is driving down from Minnesota today to stay with us and take care of Ainsley so that I can get the rest the baby, and my uterus, needs, and so that Ian can at least get some work done. I don't know what I'd do without her.

So, one day at a time. Each day the baby gets bigger and stronger. I'll update when I can but I'm really trying to LAY, not even sit up, at least for these next few critical weeks and typing on my back is a bit uncomfortable.

Thanks again for all of the thoughts and prayers. I ask that you continue to keep this little one in them, and I'll do my best to keep her in me.

Things I Miss

Perhaps it is the imminent threat of "modified" bedrest for 7 weeks, or just the usual third trimester slump but despite everything that's been going on the past few days I find myself lamenting the loss of many things.

1. My body. Looking through pictures of our trip to Minnesota was depressing, as was seeing myself in the full length mirrors in Orvis today. I am HUGE! I don't mind my round belly but my untoned thighs and arms are driving me insane and with the midwife order to "take it easy" there's not a whole lot that I can do about it for at least a couple more months which brings me to...

2. Exercise. I can't tell you how much I'm craving a good 5 mile run with music blasting in my ears and 100 crunches and stretching at the end. It's been too long since my heart has really pounded and it's hard. I also miss walking everywhere with Ainsley. Last summer we walked EVERYWHERE, to do errands, go to parks, the pool, now I'm lucky if I make it up the block to the park without getting a shooting pain down my tailbone and braxton hicks.

3. Productivity. While I used to enjoy taking ainsley's naptime to do something for myself I'm getting rather bored of needing to rest. I work best with really productive days that start when your feet hit the floor and end when your head hits the pillow. A good grocery run in the morning is enough to put me over the edge these days. It's depressing, especially since there's so much more I want to do before the baby comes.

4. Feeling hungry. I'd forgotten this stage when you never really feel hungry, because the baby is taking up all the extra room in your belly. When I do feel "hungry" now it's that gross empty stomach for too long sick feeling. I miss sitting down for a good meal and feeling satisfied, not sick and ready to burst.

5. Getting dressed in the morning. Ok, this may go along with #1 but I literally DREAD picking out clothes for the day. Probably because a. I'd really rather be naked because in this heat we've been having lately that seems to be the only comfortable option and b. I feel like a whale in everything and it's really hard to go out in public knowing how hideous you look. I've never been one to care much about fashion, but I do mind knowingly looking like a stuffed pork sausage. Ugh.

There are of course, perks to this stage of pregnancy. The excitement that meeting our new little girl is just around the corner. The excuse (when I want to) of needing to rest and take things easy (having Ian cook and clean up dinner has been great!) Feeling the baby move around and kick me more and more every day. Having strangers congratulate me and ask questions about the baby, because it's now quite clear that I'm pregnant.

I try to keep these things in mind when I cringe as I look in the mirror or feel bad about not getting as much done as I want to or being virtually immobile at times. I know the second I meet our little girl, hold her for the first time, see that look in Ian's eyes (and now Ainsley's) as they greet our new family member, all of this will be worth it, over and over again.

And this is why I have a blog...

for the times when I feel scared, alone, and just need to know that someone is listening. I have a wonderful husband and a great support network of family and friends but there's something about working it out in writing that just can't be beat.

Yesterday I went in for my 30 week appointment. The baby's heartbeat is great, she's head down, butt up, knees to the ribs just like she should be. I'm measuring at 31 weeks, am still gaining the "allotted" weight and in general all was well. Then the midwife took a second look at my chart.

Let me back up a bit.

3o weeks was when I had a second ultrasound when I was pregnant with Ainsley to take another look at a few things that were hard to see because she was so active at the 20 week ultrasound (such a surprise now that I know my daughter). As a fluke they discovered that my cervix was a bit funneled and starting to thin out. (For those of you not versed in prenatal jargon, this is not a good thing at 30 weeks). They weren't concerned because I had no symptoms of preterm labor and the baby looked great, but they started doing a fetal fibronectin test every two weeks to test for a protein that becomes present when labor may be imminent. Thankfully it came back negative at 30 and 32 weeks meaning no labor was possible. At 34 weeks it came back positive. This, coupled with some other symptoms was enough to land me on bedrest until 37 weeks when the baby is considered full term. Ainsley wasn't born until 38 and a half weeks along so she held on well and in the end they don't know if bedrest really did anything or if this is just how my body deals with having a baby.

So this time around I had no extra ultrasound scheduled at 30 weeks because everything checked out great at 20. The midwife reluctantly decided to give me a fetal fibronectin test at my appt yesterday "just for fun".

Good thing.

I came in after an active morning of a walk with Ainsley and errands to the tile shop (to FINALLY put up our backsplash in the kitchen) and JoAnn (to pick out fabric for a crib bumper) and to pick up a few groceries and checked my messages on the home phone.

"Hi Beck it's Amy (the midwife). So....good thing we did that test. Could you call me? We should talk. Thanks!"

My heart stopped. Of course it was bad news. Every other time they called with results they just left a message saying "negative, good to go!"

I called back immediately and the urgency of the nurse made me all the more anxious.

"Oh Becky, yes Amy's expecting your call. She's with a patient right now but she'll call you RIGHT back."

Never good when a nurse knows you by name. Even at the uber friendly personal midwives.

Amy did call RIGHT back and confirmed my fear. The test came back positive. While I vaguely remember the drill from last time it feels different, worse. I am only 30 weeks pregnant, not 34. the baby is only 3 pounds, not 5 and I am just so scared for her health and safety.

I have an ultrasound downtown on Monday (also scary, they're sending me to Northwestern because it's too urgent to wait for the tech to come to town next Thursday) where they're going to check my cervical length. If it's more than 3cm we're golden. Nothing to worry about, at least yet. If it's less, we're talking modified bedrest at least, getting a stitch or going to the hospital to get checked/monitored/medicated at the most.

Amy reiterated over and over that this really could mean nothing and until we get the results from the ultrasound on Monday there is no reason to get worried, even then everything will most likely be fine. It does help some that I've been through this before and that despite everything Ainsley was born full term and healthy. I just pray for the same for her sister.

I'm going to do my best to keep my mind off of things and stay calm. I know that is the only thing I can do right now for the baby and myself, and of course drink more water than I think humanly possible (did you know most preterm labors are spurred on by dehydration?)

Please keep this little one in your thoughts and prayers and to stay in me as long as she can.

Throughout this pregnancy I've prayed for a healthy, happy little girl who maybe is just a little different from her big sister. I hope now that at least in this aspect she decides to follow in Ainsley's footsteps.

Let the Waiting Begin

We're back from 2+ amazing weeks in Minnesota. It really couldn't have gone more smoothly.

Of course we came back to a few minor issues, the power to the garage isn't working and my laptop screen appears to be broken, but after all the weather we've had while gone I'm just glad the basement wasn't flooded.

As my computer isn't working I won't be able to do a big post about our trip for a while or post pictures. I'm stealing Ian's right now while he's upstairs sleeping.

I will say this though...now starts the waiting for little bean to get here in two months. I'm thankful to have a lot on my to do list and only hope I do't get too huge too fast so I can get everything done.

I can't WAIT to meet this little one and to see Ainsley as a big sister. Everyday she is getting so big and just today I looked at her and thought, "where'd my baby go?" She has turned into this beautiful, vibrant little girl.

Hopefully we'll figure out the computer situation so I can post soon!