My mom's birthday was yesterday. My Aunt and cousin came down to drop off delicious dinner and dessert. My dad came into town as well to celebrate.
I have so much guilt. Guilt about taking my mom away from her life in Minnesota, for who knows how long. Guilt about somehow feeling responsible for putting the baby in danger, for not for foreseeing this happening.
This is just so hard. As supportive as everyone has been, and as low key as the doctors and midwives try to be I just can't get out of my head. I am a wreck. I am so wrought with worry that every braxton hicks is going to turn into full labor, or at least progress me further to that point. The baby isn't moving enough, something must be wrong. The baby is moving too much, I'm afraid she's going to try and kick her way out. I question every back pain, cramp, twinge, kick, sensation. It is utterly exhausting. And I'm only 6 days in.
On top of it all, I can't be a good mom to Ainsley. She got sick last night and I was able to hold her and snuggle for a while, but my stomach started seizing up and I got anxious and Ian had to take over. It breaks my heart that I can't be her mom in the way that she's used to. I know she's so little and won't remember this, but I will.
It's just hard and i needed to vent.
I still have faith and hope that this baby won't come for a long while yet. I think I'm partly still in denial though too. This is just a down bit I know. I'm hoping things will be looking up again soon.
I know how hard it is to stay laying down for so long. I can't imagine what it would be like with a little one running around. Right now you are being a great Mommy to that little one in your belly and Ainsley is lucky to have Ian as a Daddy. I'm sure he takes wonderful care of her and it's a great bonding time for the two of them. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteOh Becky!
ReplyDeleteWhat a difficult time you're going through! I'll just keep praying for you, Ian, Ainsley and that new little one on the way!
And remember, I'm sure your mom is just happy to be able to help you and her new little grandchild inside you!
Much love to you!
Marie
Try not to feel bad about your mom being there. 1) she's a mom too, so I'm sure she is HAPPY to take care of you just as you would be HAPPY to take care of Ainsley. 2) She's probably soaking up all this time she gets to spend with you guys. I know my mom and Broghan's mom just crave time with us so this is a perfect excuse for her :)
ReplyDeleteI hope your spirit will lift itself soon! As time goes on and your little one inside gets bigger & stronger you're confidence will grow too!
Good luck!! We're sending good thoughts & prayers from WI :)