And this is why I have a blog...

for the times when I feel scared, alone, and just need to know that someone is listening. I have a wonderful husband and a great support network of family and friends but there's something about working it out in writing that just can't be beat.

Yesterday I went in for my 30 week appointment. The baby's heartbeat is great, she's head down, butt up, knees to the ribs just like she should be. I'm measuring at 31 weeks, am still gaining the "allotted" weight and in general all was well. Then the midwife took a second look at my chart.

Let me back up a bit.

3o weeks was when I had a second ultrasound when I was pregnant with Ainsley to take another look at a few things that were hard to see because she was so active at the 20 week ultrasound (such a surprise now that I know my daughter). As a fluke they discovered that my cervix was a bit funneled and starting to thin out. (For those of you not versed in prenatal jargon, this is not a good thing at 30 weeks). They weren't concerned because I had no symptoms of preterm labor and the baby looked great, but they started doing a fetal fibronectin test every two weeks to test for a protein that becomes present when labor may be imminent. Thankfully it came back negative at 30 and 32 weeks meaning no labor was possible. At 34 weeks it came back positive. This, coupled with some other symptoms was enough to land me on bedrest until 37 weeks when the baby is considered full term. Ainsley wasn't born until 38 and a half weeks along so she held on well and in the end they don't know if bedrest really did anything or if this is just how my body deals with having a baby.

So this time around I had no extra ultrasound scheduled at 30 weeks because everything checked out great at 20. The midwife reluctantly decided to give me a fetal fibronectin test at my appt yesterday "just for fun".

Good thing.

I came in after an active morning of a walk with Ainsley and errands to the tile shop (to FINALLY put up our backsplash in the kitchen) and JoAnn (to pick out fabric for a crib bumper) and to pick up a few groceries and checked my messages on the home phone.

"Hi Beck it's Amy (the midwife). So....good thing we did that test. Could you call me? We should talk. Thanks!"

My heart stopped. Of course it was bad news. Every other time they called with results they just left a message saying "negative, good to go!"

I called back immediately and the urgency of the nurse made me all the more anxious.

"Oh Becky, yes Amy's expecting your call. She's with a patient right now but she'll call you RIGHT back."

Never good when a nurse knows you by name. Even at the uber friendly personal midwives.

Amy did call RIGHT back and confirmed my fear. The test came back positive. While I vaguely remember the drill from last time it feels different, worse. I am only 30 weeks pregnant, not 34. the baby is only 3 pounds, not 5 and I am just so scared for her health and safety.

I have an ultrasound downtown on Monday (also scary, they're sending me to Northwestern because it's too urgent to wait for the tech to come to town next Thursday) where they're going to check my cervical length. If it's more than 3cm we're golden. Nothing to worry about, at least yet. If it's less, we're talking modified bedrest at least, getting a stitch or going to the hospital to get checked/monitored/medicated at the most.

Amy reiterated over and over that this really could mean nothing and until we get the results from the ultrasound on Monday there is no reason to get worried, even then everything will most likely be fine. It does help some that I've been through this before and that despite everything Ainsley was born full term and healthy. I just pray for the same for her sister.

I'm going to do my best to keep my mind off of things and stay calm. I know that is the only thing I can do right now for the baby and myself, and of course drink more water than I think humanly possible (did you know most preterm labors are spurred on by dehydration?)

Please keep this little one in your thoughts and prayers and to stay in me as long as she can.

Throughout this pregnancy I've prayed for a healthy, happy little girl who maybe is just a little different from her big sister. I hope now that at least in this aspect she decides to follow in Ainsley's footsteps.