THIS Moment

Ainsley May (4 years old!)

My big Ainsley Girl, what a new year we've had! Last month you turned 4 and for the first time it didn't feel shocking to me.  You are such a big girl in so many ways, four seems just right to me.

After a tricky start to our fall, getting used to preschool and new surroundings and people you are flourishing in your surroundings and I see your growth daily.  This was our first week back in activities after a two week break and the transition went seamlessly.  You were SO excited to go back to school, see your beloved teachers and friends and this morning at your first drop off musikgarten you couldn't have been happier.  It's simply amazing to me that three months ago you were still pulling at my leg to get me to stay, now you leave me with confidence, sometimes still saying under your breath "mama always comes back, she only leaves me where I'm well taken care of".

Your favorite at home play is still elaborate pretend with dolls, dress up and of course Louise.  You come up with the most creative stuff.  For your birthday one of the gifts on top of your list was a doll wheelchair and Grammy fulfilled your wish.  You play with it ALL The time, along with your new playmobile hospital set.  You are so intrigued by anything medical.  Now your staples at the library and princess and how your body works book.  you are currently deep into a bones book we found.  I love your varied enthusiastic interests.

You still love to make crafts and art, and just as always, have your own very specific ways that you like to do things.  For instance this morning after music class I pulled out your new watercolors for you and Louise, but rather than paint the paper you were much more intrigued with mixing colors in the water glass.  "Look mama, what a beautiful purple!"  You then proceeded to dump the water onto the watercolor paints, smear your hands all over them and finger paint with them. Ah my tactile girl.  I think we'll be making some more playdough this afternoon.

Books remain a favorite wind down activity for you and I love that your attention has grown such that we can read big long books together and discuss them when we're done.  We just got a big new batch from the library and that couple with all the wonderful books you girls received for Christmas are keeping us quite occupied   You even decided that we needed a dedicated reading corner in the living room "to just sit and enjoy all these wonderful books mama".

You are still so independent and the more you grow the less you need me.  You still love a good morning or post nap snuggle but most of the time when we're at home, you're off on your own playing so fully and well.   You are such a clever astute little kid and we are so blessed to have you as ours.

I love you THIS moment my big girl, energetic as ever, a bit nervous like mommy, sweet and kind, always fully you.

Louise Adele (28 months old, ok, 2 and a half)

My sweet Louise.  I was trying to think of an original start to this, but sweet Louise it is, for that is still exactly what you are.  I remember you as a newborn, so sweet and easy and calm.  People kept telling me to enjoy it now!  just wait until she's a toddler!  Well here we are, full on in toddlerhood and you are still the sweetest little person we could imagine.  While there are surely the sibling strifes, occasional power struggles and disagreements you are mostly such a delightful agreeable little lady.  We love you so much!

Perhaps the biggest demonstration of late of how easy you make life for us is that you're potty trained, without hardly an ado at all!  I really can't believe it still.

Mostly because you in no way showed ANY signs of being ready to be potty trained mere weeks ago.  You'd go on the potty if I asked you, but never asked on your own, and were still quiet happy to sit in a messy diaper until I caught wind (;o) that you needed a changing.  Well, one day I'd had enough.  Your sensitive skin had been reacting to something in even the most sensitive of disposables (we switched for a bit because you were soaking through all our cloth over and over again) and that was that for me.  Time for undies.

So for about 3 days I let you run around naked in the house, with diapers on outside the house.  After almost no accidents we went for it.  I think you've had two accidents since, and are not even wearing diapers at naptime or bedtime, and made it both ways in our 7 hour cartrip dry.  While I was surely the one who made the decision that it was time you are the one who did it big girl and we are so proud! (and relieved to have 3 months with no diapers before your brother or sister arrives!)

In other news, you have turned into quite the little dress up queen.  You used to be happy in whatever old outfit I'd chose for you, but not anymore!  Mostly it's dresses and tights you are drawn to, always party shoes and any accessory you can get your hands on.  We've even started conceding a bit and letting you sleep in tights with your nightgowns some nights because you feel QUITE strongly about that.  I love your little sense of style.

Your favorite activities are still anything in the arts and crafts department, but now you've added "writing" to your repertoire   You are happiest with a fresh notebook and a pen or pencil in hand just writing away.  Drawing and painting are also still two of your favorites.  You make elephants and people ALL the time.  Just this morning you made your first portrait!  A sweet round face with a big smile and one eye.  You proudly marched over to show me "Look mama!  I draw daddy!"  "Wonderful Louise!  But where's his other eye?" "Oh, it fell off".  Ah.  I love you.

Your pretend play has grown by leaps and bounds.  You haul your "little girl" (baby doll) around all the time, feeding her, dressing her, singing her to sleep.  You and Ainsley LOVE to play fairyland and dress up as butterflies and fairies with your new Christmas wings often.  You two could prance around all day.

And of course books.  You have entered the phase where you loved "reading" to us as much as you love being read to.  You turn the pages and tell the stories as you remember them, or look at the pictures and make it up as you go along.  As we spend more and more time on the couch in the afternoons (thanks to your growing baby sibling) I love this special time being read to by my two year old big girl.

You are so excited to start up music class and playschool again this week.  You jumped with delight when I told you all your favorite activities start up again soon.  You so love being with your friends, being out and active.  And I so love our special time together during the week while your sister is at school.  I can't believe next year you'll be in school 4 days a week too!  I'm cherishing every moment with my big growing girl.

I love you this moment, so sweet and ladylike, independent and eager, lovely and kind, my big two and half year old girl!

24 weeks

Ok, so technically I'm 24 weeks 4 days.  These things matter, trust me.  

They matter to me especially because things are getting real.  For one, I suddenly look pregnant.  After weeks and weeks of worrying that I didn't look big enough, POP! I'm ginormous.  Ok, the BABY is growing.  That's at least what Ian tells me to tell myself.  I can still wear pre pregnancy jeans with my belly band and a few of my normal shirts, so I'll believe him, for now.  But goodness gracious.  Even family and friends commented at Christmas how I was looking larger every day.  Tis that time I guess.  Here we go!

I had an appointment this evening and brought he girls along for the first time.  The girls were so intrigued by it all. I wish I had a video of their faces lighting up when they heard the baby's heartbeat.  Amazing.

And as for that little baby?  Why they're right as rain.  I'm measuring just over 25 weeks, normal for me.  I swear I have a shorter gestational period than normal.  My kids grow fast and furious.  Their heartbeat was a bit higher than last time, still in the normal range.  I chuckled with shame as I admitted that I'd had a 2pm coffee today.  Hey!  A mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do.

One blood pressure had been taken (AOK) and weight had been measured (I didn't gain nearly as much as I thought over the holidays...yay!) we sat down for our chat.  Any questions? the midwife asked.

Today was the day to get into the nitty gritty.  Our rescheduled ultrasound is for next week and it was time for the what ifs.  What if they find I have a short cervix again?  What if I'm already dilating?  What if....

We went over my history again and for the first time I felt like my voice was really heard. I explained how I am such a nervous person.  How even getting ready to come in today my uterus was seizing up and my blood pumping.  How extra unnecessary tests and news that does more bad than good is so emotionally and physically dangerous for me.  How of course this baby comes first and I will do whatever I need to ensure their health, but how I trust my instincts and this body that's birthed two healthy girls and until there are physical actual signs that there's something wrong, I simply can't live on assumptions and guesses.

The midwife heard every word and agreed with me wholeheartedly.  I am meeting with their collaborative OBGYN this month and visit the level 3 hospital he works from, so we'll be all set in the event that we need a pre term plan.  But for now?  I get to be a normal pregnant woman, and regardless of the state of my cervix at the ultrasound next week I get to remain one.  I cannot begin to express the relief I feel.  I feel so blessed to have found health professionals who trust a mother's experience and voice.  Finally.

::this is my, oh goodness am I really this large, ALREADY? face::

After the appointment the girls and I went to our local yarn shop.  All this good news needed some celebrating and I decided a purchase for the baby's blanket was in order.  I found the most luscious organic cotton, in an assortment of delicious soft colors.  I see night after night, resting this growing baby and body, knitting away.

All anxiety and unknown aside, this really is my favorite time of pregnancy.  This little one is always with me, reassuring me when nerves hit.  They are alive and well and I love them so much already.

Pretty pretty

What is it about a good find, an amazing deal, that simply MUST be shared?

I find that aside from talk of the weather, how one is feeling or what's on the stove for dinner, the latest deal seems to top the charts on casual conversation these days.  I'm always hearing from a mom at the park, a friend, a family member even, what their latest score is.

Perhaps it's that things cost SO much these days.  A good, truly good deal, really is something to celebrate.  When you haven't bought yourself something new, from a store, in more months than you can remember?  Well, a superb deal truly is something to write home about.  So write I shall.

Now that we're all fully well, school and activities back in full swing, I've finally been able to get some much needed things done.  The girls' room has been scoured, I just finished Ian's and my room, officially moving out everything that does't fit (a LOT of stuff) and won't for months and months, and the kitchen and living spaces are as clutter free as they'll ever be.  Next up? Well, a little errand for me.  

You see that time has come.  The time when very little fits.  The time when I'm feeling big and a bit uncomfortable, frumpy and bumbling in just about everything I own.

The errand started innocently enough.  I needed a new bra.  I was down to two that even remotely worked, none really if I was being honest with myself.  So I went to my favorite new mama boutique, Majamas on Lombard for those of you locals reading this.  It's a beautiful store, but expensive.  We used to live right down the street from there and it took great self restraint for me not to blow tons of money on beautiful clothes for me and Ainsley.  Still, it's my go to for a great bra that I know will work and last, so I put my side blinders on and beelined it for the braziers in the back.  After finding the perfect one I had a few minutes to spare on the meter before I needed to pick up Louise from school so I timidly took a look around.  Beautiful dress, EEK! $78!  Practical cute tank top, OH MY! $38!  

After confirming that I could afford nothing in the regularly priced racks I took a stab at the sales racks, not expecting much (this is one of those places where $5 off constitutes a clearance).  SAMPLE SALE, EVERYTHING $10.  Did I read that right?  Come again?  triple double check I'm not going crazy.  EVERYTHING $10.  Four racks of clothes, all size medium (their sample size), in light airy spring colors, soft as butter.  Dresses, nursing tops generous enough to encapsulate this growing belly, elegant nightgowns, tunics actually long enough to cover my legginged bum.  Pinch me.  For real.

So I did what any crazed with excitement pregnant woman would do.  I grabbed it all.  I tried on as much as I could in the 10 minutes I had and checked out with two new tops, a nightdress, and my bra of course.

I left to pick up Louise.  We played at the park.  We picked up Ainsley.  But I wasn't done, simply could not be done.  This NEVER happens at this store, not at least in the 5 years I've been frequenting it.  I simply would not be able to rest until I knew I scoured those four racks thoroughly.  So back to the store we went.

I  grabbed everything I thought would remotely work.  The girls and I headed to the dressing room and they watched intrigued as I tried it all on.  They loved the soft fabrics and gave me honest opinions about the things that didn't work so well Oh no mama, that doesn't look so good. Umm, no mommy.  I don't think so. These brutal comments were more than forgiven when they both stared wide eyed as I pulled on a blush colored ruffle top dress.  Oh mama, you look like a princess.  Yes mommy! A pwincess!  Ah my girls, I kind of felt like one.

The most fun for me was trying on things that I would never normally buy.  I'm so stingy that I only buy practical things these days, classic pieces that go with everything, nothing over the top, nothing exciting.  But these clothes?  These clothes are beautiful, and practical of course.  All of them are nursing tops.  All of them accommodate a growing belly.  All of them are cute enough to wear long after my milk dries up someday.  Ahh, these beautiful clothes.

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I am surely not a fashionista.  If anything I pride myself of late on revamping old duds, repurposing and reconfiguring in lieu of buying new.  I will openly admit, these seven new articles of beautiful clothing make me feel amazing.  I can't remember a time I've felt so spoiled, so incredibly excited to get dressed tomorrow and the next day, as this body of mine continues to swell with the growth of our little one.  So excited that in a few months time I'll still be wearing these beautiful clothes, utilizing the hidden slits and panels to nurse our sweet new baby.  So excited that after that baby has grown to a toddler I'll still be wearing these clothes, cloaked in softenss and memories of this precious fleeting time of life I'm in right now, entering soon all over again.

Perhaps they are just clothes, of course they are.  But sometimes it's the little things that you think shouldn't matter, that really kind of do.  And all for $10 each.

Change of Plans

Vacations are wonderful, but hard.  Any parent will tell you how tricky it can be to get kids to sleep in a bed that's not theirs, calm down to nap when there's so much NEW and FUN going on, keep any semblance of a routine, which we all know is how we stay sane in our everyday.  So as much as I loved our Christmas, our 10 days away, I was ready to get back.

Then there's the inevitable long drive and unpacking.  And this time the house was in need of a good scrub to boot.  I was so looking forward to this past shortened week   Ian at his new job, the girls still out of school and activities.  What a perfect time to revamp, have some fun and get some things done.  I saw fun outings in our mornings, long full afternoons of organizing new toys and cleaning out to make room for new duds.  I was almost giddy.

Then Wednesday morning at approximately 1am our poor Ainsley girl ran into our room and proceeded to get sick every 15-20 minutes for the next 4 hours.  Roughly 36 hours later, my girl was only starting to resemble her normal self.  I have never seen her so sick.  Poor thing.

But that was Thursday, there was still time to reboot right?  Well, at approximately 10pm Thursday night the bug hit me (and as an aside, why does stomach flu always strike at night?  BEFORE any good sleep has been had, on a gross full stomach?  Ugh).  36 Hours later I am just able to scrape myself off of my bed and the only thing to cross my lips other than gatorade and ginger ale have been 4 saltines and a tiny bowl of red jello.  This one was a doozy.

So at least we have the weekend, right?  kind of?  I so dislike starting our winter routine feeling behind.  Playing catch up, pregnant, with little ones, is nearly impossible.  I find I'm so unavailable to them when I'm rushing around trying to do this and that, when all those sweet girls really want to do is play and enjoy.

As I came down this morning I was prepared for the worst, for while Ian is a stellar solo dad, he leaves a bit to be desired in the night time tidying up department.  But! Dishes were put away, I could see the floor, these are all good things.

So perhaps this new year is already telling me to let go a bit.  Reminding me quickly and firmly that I am not in control.  That as anal retentive as I've become about keeping our house nice, planning elaborate projects and crafts, we've made the choice to have this amazing little family, and most days tending to that is just about all we have in us.  And that's just going to have to be ok for a while.

On the way home from Minnesota Ian asked me if I had any new years resolutions.  I jokingly replied "lose about 25 pounds" knowing that come the end of April, that should be no problem.  Then I paused and really thought.  "I guess keep connected with people.  I really miss my friends."  I find I'm so busy with my family and our day to day that writing a quick letter or making a 15 minute phone call just seems unrealistically hard.  It's been ages since I've been out alone with friends, and I really miss that.  Now here we are having another baby and as over the moon as I am about our little one, I can't help but feel a bit further sunk into this parenting thing.

Being home for so long reminded me that I am more than just a parent.  I am still Becky.  I haven't changed so much from that girl in college, or high school even.  All this running around as a parent, as an adult, makes me forget that sometimes.  It's nice to have an excuse to slow down and be grounded a bit again.

So now I look ahead at the first full day we've had at home, mostly healthy and free, and all I can think to put on the agenda?  Have fun with my family, make some good food, get out a bit, enjoy.  Because clean house or not, that's what I really want it to be all about.

Holidays 2012

Oh boy.  We're back!  One of my only regrets of this trip (in retrospective thought on the 7 hour drive home) was that I didn't think i'd taken enough photos.  As you will see shortly, this was certainly NOT the case.  Thank goodness too because it was a wonderful trip and one I know I'll always remember.  My big girl's FOURTH birthday, the first Christmas that both of my girls may actually remember together, so much fun with family and friends, and the most wonderful vacation alone with my boy.  Ah, I'm still soaking it all in.

First, a few photos from the week before our trip.  Oh that blissful week with our doctor boy, holiday preparation and bright winter sun.

::deep in holiday prep mode::

                      

::zoo and park dates with daddy:

 :: a little pre-holiday feast::

::one last run and post run workout with my girl 

(take note on how much larger my belly has gotten in the two weeks since this photo was taken)::

:: football Sunday with out favorite Chicago Oles (these two made the trek out to Loyola for Ian's defense, by train, by bus, on foot...what great friends)::

::Ian's not the only one who can work a bowtie::

::morning sister snuggles::

::celebrating Ainsley's birthday a bit early::

 Ok, now that that's out of the way, onto the trip!

We headed out a day early to beat a snowstorm that rocked Wisconsin the day we'd planned to travel.  It was a good decision all around.  Because of our early departure I was forced to only focus on the bare minimum, the absolute necessities.  Well that and I was dealing with the most severe round ligament/hip pain I've ever felt for about a week straight.  I could hardly walk for days.  It was rough.  So our house was a bit unkempt, but other than that we all made it in one piece with everything we needed.  I'd call it a success!

:: ah, car trip naps::

First stop was Nana and Grandpa Dan's.  We had a little mini Christmas with them and enjoyed a bit of calm before the flurry of the holidays really set in.

After a night the girls and I headed to my parents' in Minnetonka.  I thought Ian could use a couple of days to recoup in quiet at his childhood home and the girls and I had a blast.

::traditional Cub foods donut eating::

::Nutcracker! with Connor, Auntie Kelly, Auntie Joojie, Auntie Jenny and Grammy.  I promise Ainsley had a blast, she's just a stinker for pictures sometimes ;o)::

::my littlest ballerina::

:: intermission dance off::

Ian came to join us the day before Ainsley's birthday and before we knew it the day was upon us.  Ainsley's only request for her birthday was her penguin cake again so of course I indulged.  We brought a few simple decorations from home, set up her birthday tree (which she decorated almost entirely herself this year) made the most gigantic vat of homemade macaroni I've ever seen and that was that!  It was such a wonderful low key celebration for my big girl.  I still can't believe she's 4.  FOUR!

::surely the highlight for my birthday girl (and all her cousins) was when popped pulled out a cardboard box filled with 144 ping pong balls and let them loose.  Their favorite was dumping them from the second story staircase to the foyer below.  thanks Uncle Simmy for this priceless shot of my girl.  Moments before, her little head straining through the rungs to see the balls drop she declared "this is the best birthday ever!".  Thanks Pop.  What a memorable fun day::

After an afternoon of rest and play with new prized toys and books we dolled up for Christmas Eve at Ian's Aunt and Uncle's house who just happen to live about 4 minutes from my parents place.  Its become a wonderful tradition of delicious Swedish/Norwegian fare and family.  Yum!

Then back to Grammy and Pop's for Christmas.  We donned our most festive jammies, carefully selected only the best of the best cookies and carrots for Santa and his reindeer then sat down to write out letters to the jolly old elf.  Ainsley asked for her Millie doll, and perhaps a friend for her to play with.  She reminded Santa that she'd been as good as she could and that she loves him.  Then signed her name and placed it by the fire. Then sweet Louise sprawled out on her tummy and got to work on her letter.  Dear Santa, I'd like a toy.  I love you.  I love Mommy and Daddy and Ainsley.  I love Pop and Grammy and Auntie Joojie and Uncle Simmy.  I love Nana and Grandpa Dan.  I love Aida and Connor and Griffin.  I love...the list went on and on.  What a sweet precious Christmas moment.  Then Ainsley asked Auntie Joojie to read the Night before Christmas and snuggled up for the familiar tale while Louise still wrote away.  Then we retreated to the girls room, read the nativity story, sang Christmas hymns and kissed our little sugar plums goodnight.

The only glitch of Christmas came later that night when Ainsley snuck down, of course AFTER Santa had arrived, wanting help with a flashlight gone haywire.  I swooped her up and brought her upstairs.  Oh mommy, I'm so sorry that I ruined Christmas. Oh Ainlsey girl, you didn't ruin Christmas but you need to stay in bed.  It's so important that you stay in bed, especially in Christmas, or you'll ruin your surprises! Ok mommy, but you know what mommy?  I really hope that dollhouse is for me, because you know, I really wanted a dollhouse.

Oh brother.

Come Christmas morning there were no more questions about how the magical gifts got there, only delight and awe in the day.  Thank goodness for that.

After a full crazy morning of present opening, playing and brunch the girls crashed.  Big time.  Ainsley fell asleep while we all ate dinner so Ian swooped her up and put her to bed at 6:15.  She slept for 12 hours.  I don't think that child has ever slept for 12 hours.  Christmas was THAT good.

The next day after some tidying and brief packing Ian and I took off for the great city of Duluth.  I think I was almost more excited about our trip than the holidays this year.  Our first extended time alone together in 4 years, after the fall we've had and the spring to come?  It was the best Christmas gift I could have asked for.

We stayed in Canal Park at a beautiful hotel.  We walked nearly everywhere, only getting in the car once to explore one morning.  We ate so well, relaxed lots and reveled in the quiet and calm.  I can still almost taste that smoked salmon from northern waters and those beer battered fries and fish tacos from Fitgers.  Who knew Duluth was such a culinary (and microbrewery) destination?  Ah.  It was marvelous.

After two days and nights of bliss we headed back to the mayhem, I mean, our children :o). The girls had so much fun with my mom and dad they were reluctant to leave, but eventually we got packed up, hugged all around and headed for our last leg of the trip back to St Paul.  This time Ian's brother and our neices were in town so the house was full.  It was fun to have cousins meet and play and enjoy all that lucious Minnesota snow.

::didn't I tell you to keep andeye out for that belly?  Oh goodness, 23 weeks and I look every one of them::

Just yesterday we packed up for good and headed home.  I'll admit it felt almost bizarre to be back after so long away.  I always have these irrational fears that our house will be burned down or all our posessions will be missing but we're back and all is right and good.  Now if only those bills would pay themselves, but all that ick of adult re-entry does not belong in this cheery holiday post.  No no.

We all slept so well in our own beds and are enjoying this cold bright day back in our home.  The girls have been occupied all morning happily, joyously playing with their new treasures.  Watercolor paints and Madeline dolls, tea sets and books.  Now old lovies have been found and a favorite show is playing and somehow in less than 12 hours, we're back, just as we were.  It's a whole lot of work, this holiday travel, but so worth it every time.

Happy New Year to you all!

P.S. when we said goodbye to family the most frequent farewell I got was See you when the baby's born! Oh my, is it THAT soon?  I suppose it nearly is.  It's going to be a great new year.