It's 11:03 on Christmas Eve and I just wrapped my last presents. I was honestly surprised to see the few unwrapped gifts in the back of my closet tonight because as usual I started looking for and wrapping gifts right about after the 4th of July.
But it's always a race to the finish isn't it? No matter how much I've planned or how much I feel I've done, I'm always up late Christmas Eve. Last year Ainsley's Santa gift didn't arrive in time. This year I was awaiting ONE skein of yarn to finish a Christmas sweater for Louise. It came today so I guess it will have to be a New Year's sweater.
This morning I stirred around 4am. I had to pee as I often still have to do in the middle of the night (thanks 3 children for the crap bladder!) I snuggled back into bed under the soft brand new flannel sheets I bought for 20% off at Target with a black Friday coupon (go me!) and I couldn't for the life of me calm down to get back to sleep. I was too excited about today and my Ainsley girl's 10th birthday.
10 years ago Ian and I were flat on the queen bed in the alternative birthing room at the local hospital ogling our new baby girl. She was born around 9:30 pm, after probably 10 ish hours of labor and 45 minutes at the hospital.
My most vivid memories of that night were Ian driving on the shoulder of the IKE through downtown Chicago to bypass Christmas Eve city traffic and get us the F$*! home because it was our first baby and who knew how long we had?! Then I got home and things slowed down so I took and bath. Then my water broke. Then we high tailed it to the ER. Then I was throwing up and out of my mind in pain and ran down the hallway from triage to delivery between a transition contraction when the nurse told me I was 9.5. I had to start pushing on the bed which was not my plan because the midwife hadn't arrived yet. Then she came with a santa hat on and I leapt into the tub and Ainsley was born POOF like that. I got a candy cane afterwards.
I remember thinking Ainsley might have down syndrome when I first saw her. She looked so funny to me. In retrospect I'm pretty sure I was in shock from the super fast birth and that she was my first and the first of anyone I knew so I hadn't seen a fresh newborn pretty much ever.
Ian and I were so young. 24 each. It all felt so surreal.
The next morning my family came and brought us traditional Christmas morning egg bake and caramel rolls and it was the best food I'd ever tasted.
We opted to go home before 24 hours because I didn't want to sleep in the hospital another night. I wanted to be home with my girl.
I remember driving home on Christmas Day and looking for a place to stop and grab some food for dinner but nothing was open, not even McDonalds. I still don't remember what we ate that night.
Up until that exact moment Christmas day was the most sacred "don't mess with it" holiday for me. I grew up with picture perfect uniform Christmases. Wake up, run down stairs with sisters to see Santa gifts and undo stockings, crackling fire, orange juice and egg nog, presents galore under the tree. Spend all morning unwrapping and trying on and playing. Eat brunch of sausage egg bake and caramel rolls, play and lounge the afternoon away. Prime rib or beef tenderloin for dinner, fancy dress attire, sleep sleep sleep.
That year everything changed. My baby was born on my favorite holiday and I can't remember one moment of remorse. She made me grow up so fast.
Tonight I'm looking back 10 years and seeing so vividly how far I've come. I can breathe through complete chaos (sometimes) yak yak yak about all the work to be done (really quadruple yak) and simultaneously truly really love putting the effort in for the people I love.
I probably won't sleep tonight. I am too excited to give the gifts I've put so much thought and time into.
I am too excited for the hope of tomorrow and the chance to finally get it right, to finally extricate all the bad stuff inside of me that's holding me back form who I could be, who I want to be.
Christmas then New Years, then NEW. I'm so ready this year.
Monday, December 24, 2018
Wednesday, December 5, 2018
My Chains
In case you want to listen to some great music once you've read the first bit...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkTsbbrFQEg&index=2&list=PL9cpYnkl2A41SiIh6gCqhIYfauMerXlP7
When I was a girl my mom used to take me and my three sisters to the Lorie Line Christmas concert every year. We'd dress up and go to dinner on the way to downtown, usually Olive Garden; microwaved Italian never tasted so good. We'd park and feel so cultured walking in our Sunday best to the Orpheum theater.
I loved those concerts so much. We'd jingle our limited edition, just made for that years' concerts, holiday bells. Us 5 ladies singing away and enjoying the anticipation of the Christmas season to the fullest. What wonderful memories you made for us mom.
Now I still listen to Lorie's Christmas albums. I play her music on the piano. Each time remembering the magic of those concerts and how much my mom LOVED her music.
I married a man who is the most objective person in the world when it comes to music. I? just love when it gets me in the gut; when it's connected to something or some time that mattered to me.
Fun bonus fact? Lorie and her family went to our church growing up and once in a Blue Moon she'd play for the congregation. Talk about celebrity sightings! Wayzata is practically LA! ;o)
So here I sit anticipating another Christmas. My children all in the perfect stages of big enough to love and get it, still young enough to believe it all.
Christmas has morphed for me so much in the past few years. The child like giddiness is all but gone but in it's place is a calm and steady desire to simply enjoy this season and share in the joy and share THE joy as much as I can.
Our remarkable interim pastor started out advent season preaching about reflection and regret. We were handed tiny chain links upon our entry to the sanctuary and the service started with a jarring and amazing soliloquy by a gifted parishioner of the Jacob Marley speech from "A Christmas Carol". The sermon later stated that while our economy would love you to see the time before Christmas as solely a time to purchase and plan and buy some more, our hearts and our God want us to look back and think hard about the parts about us that we don't like; the things we've done and said that we wished we hadn't; the chains we've forged in life.
After the service I joked with Ian "well that wasn't relevant to me at all."
Of course it's relevant, to us all. We live in a time where everyone is trying so desperately to put their best food forward. I mean I have a preschool mom taking her daughter out of school for a month so she can get a boob job for goodness sakes! (seriously trying not to judge you guys, but a boob job?!)
I personally can think of a multitude of regrets. Times I haven't handled things well, yelled when I shouldn't have, really damaged relationships and not done the right thing at all. Worse yet are the bad patterns and habits that make these regrets regular occurrences. Depressing right?
Truthfully I am so thankful for the frankness of our new pastor. He talks about the hard things which is teaching me that by talking about, and dealing with, the hard things, we grow and we get better.
It feels good to be allowed to be contemplative and a bit sad this time of year. As adults we know the long winter is coming, we know that at any turn life can change and life in the best and most beautiful of circumstances, is still hard. We look at the children around us, seeing the magic and pure joy, and feel simultaneous glee and despair. We know we can never feel that pure magic again.
Yet the circle of life lets the magic live on in our children.
Louise had a poetry assignment earlier this year that started and ended with her first and last names, in between she filled in lines about her personality. Her first line stated that she was spiritual. I've never heard her use that word before. I was so filled with joy that she feels and acknowledges that about herself.
I can newly acknowledge my spirituality as well. I can also recognize my faults and downfalls and at the same time my strengths. How can I break the chains I have forged?
I know I can start with this Christmas season. We can have our joy, but first we must have our contemplation.
Define our regrets, change our ways, live in the most good and full ways that we can. THIS is the Christmas I strive for this year.
AMEN!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkTsbbrFQEg&index=2&list=PL9cpYnkl2A41SiIh6gCqhIYfauMerXlP7
When I was a girl my mom used to take me and my three sisters to the Lorie Line Christmas concert every year. We'd dress up and go to dinner on the way to downtown, usually Olive Garden; microwaved Italian never tasted so good. We'd park and feel so cultured walking in our Sunday best to the Orpheum theater.
I loved those concerts so much. We'd jingle our limited edition, just made for that years' concerts, holiday bells. Us 5 ladies singing away and enjoying the anticipation of the Christmas season to the fullest. What wonderful memories you made for us mom.
Now I still listen to Lorie's Christmas albums. I play her music on the piano. Each time remembering the magic of those concerts and how much my mom LOVED her music.
I married a man who is the most objective person in the world when it comes to music. I? just love when it gets me in the gut; when it's connected to something or some time that mattered to me.
Fun bonus fact? Lorie and her family went to our church growing up and once in a Blue Moon she'd play for the congregation. Talk about celebrity sightings! Wayzata is practically LA! ;o)
So here I sit anticipating another Christmas. My children all in the perfect stages of big enough to love and get it, still young enough to believe it all.
Christmas has morphed for me so much in the past few years. The child like giddiness is all but gone but in it's place is a calm and steady desire to simply enjoy this season and share in the joy and share THE joy as much as I can.
Our remarkable interim pastor started out advent season preaching about reflection and regret. We were handed tiny chain links upon our entry to the sanctuary and the service started with a jarring and amazing soliloquy by a gifted parishioner of the Jacob Marley speech from "A Christmas Carol". The sermon later stated that while our economy would love you to see the time before Christmas as solely a time to purchase and plan and buy some more, our hearts and our God want us to look back and think hard about the parts about us that we don't like; the things we've done and said that we wished we hadn't; the chains we've forged in life.
After the service I joked with Ian "well that wasn't relevant to me at all."
Of course it's relevant, to us all. We live in a time where everyone is trying so desperately to put their best food forward. I mean I have a preschool mom taking her daughter out of school for a month so she can get a boob job for goodness sakes! (seriously trying not to judge you guys, but a boob job?!)
I personally can think of a multitude of regrets. Times I haven't handled things well, yelled when I shouldn't have, really damaged relationships and not done the right thing at all. Worse yet are the bad patterns and habits that make these regrets regular occurrences. Depressing right?
Truthfully I am so thankful for the frankness of our new pastor. He talks about the hard things which is teaching me that by talking about, and dealing with, the hard things, we grow and we get better.
It feels good to be allowed to be contemplative and a bit sad this time of year. As adults we know the long winter is coming, we know that at any turn life can change and life in the best and most beautiful of circumstances, is still hard. We look at the children around us, seeing the magic and pure joy, and feel simultaneous glee and despair. We know we can never feel that pure magic again.
Yet the circle of life lets the magic live on in our children.
Louise had a poetry assignment earlier this year that started and ended with her first and last names, in between she filled in lines about her personality. Her first line stated that she was spiritual. I've never heard her use that word before. I was so filled with joy that she feels and acknowledges that about herself.
I can newly acknowledge my spirituality as well. I can also recognize my faults and downfalls and at the same time my strengths. How can I break the chains I have forged?
I know I can start with this Christmas season. We can have our joy, but first we must have our contemplation.
Define our regrets, change our ways, live in the most good and full ways that we can. THIS is the Christmas I strive for this year.
AMEN!
Saturday, December 1, 2018
This Moment
Ainsley May 9 (almost 10!)
My Ainsley girl, we're almost 10 years into this together and you've been you from the very start. You are still my imaginative creative vibrant girl. If you had your way you'd spend your school hours writing long stories with elaborate illustrations, making inventions, sewing and crafting, singing and dancing and acting.
You really dislike the structure of school and homework and math but you still hold your love of chemistry fiercely so you're mustering through.
You've taught yourself most of the periodic table and keep a book about it in your backpack at all times. You love any chance to share your knowledge of chemistry with others.
You love your quiet time watching "big kid" shows but are still so sensitive to most movies with anything sad in them.
You love to cook and bake and concoct mixtures with soap and glue and anything you can get your hands on. I still find hidden bowls of unrecognizable crud in your room or under the bathroom sink almost weekly.
You LOVE church and your friends there. You beg to come with me any chance that you can.
You are so excited for basketball starting up and being in your first musical at school this winter. I am excited for you too. I've had a hunch that theater might just be your "thing" for quite some time now.
You begged us to play the viola for almost 2 years and now that you finally are you are finding the practicing and slow pace tedious. As usual you want to be an expert right away and are frustrated that it takes so much work. We're making you power through until the new year (that's how long we rented the instrument for). I have my fingers crossed that you keep going. I think you could be great at it.
You struggle more than most kids I know with friends and school stuff but are so strong and somehow have maintained your spark through many situations of hardship.
You are growing up to be such a beautiful charismatic young lady with such a kind heart (when you want to show it to us ;o).
I love you this moment, sassy and big eyed, too cool for school and daily humbled, snuggly and sweet.
Louise Adele (8)
Oh Louise, you are, for lack of a better term, our little complex unendingly sweet and empathetic tomboy. Your style has erupted this last year and your shy smile when you tried on your first matching sports warm up suit was almost too much cuteness.
You very kindly and carefully told me a few months back that you really aren't comfortable in dresses so we've been finding alternative dress up clothes for you for church. Right now nice pants and a blouse or sweater do the trick but I think if I let you you'd just wear your sports clothes all the time.
You LOVED playing soccer this fall and was sad when it was over. You are excited to play again in the spring.
You're doing dance again and your dad and I have loved that one on one time with you on Mondays driving you to and from your two classes, sitting with you for the half hour in between doing your homework and chatting. What a special time with our growing girl.
You continue to be incredibly self sufficient You know what your homework is and what you need to do each day.
You are such a good sister and friend and it warms my heart to see you look out for others and play so nicely.
You love art and reading the most but also tackle your math and other work with determination.
You are so good at so many things.
We can't wait to see who you grow up to be.
I love you this moment, sporty and sweet, wise and kind, silly and scrumptious.
Felix Daniel (5)
Felix I cannot get over how much you have grown since we moved three years ago. You went from a tiny toddler who needed his blankie to get through the door of preschool to a 5 year old who's taken the bus to and from school all year without one peep of nerves or sadness.
You LOVE school. You are my little sponge right now learning so much and taking it all in.
You started reading last year when you and I worked on a book together and have been reading Dick and Jane every night for many weeks now. Each night you learn a new word or two and once you've learned it it sticks in your brain and you rarely have to sound it out again.
You are very into non fiction and love learning about anything you can about the world around you and history: dinosaurs, planets, insects, geology. You beeline for the nonfiction section at the library and are so proud to check out your books on your own card (though you make me carry them to the car :oP).
You played soccer for the first time too this fall and loved it just as much as Louise. You love your sports clothes just like your big sister and would wear athletic shorts and T shirts every day if you could. I finally broke down and bought you a pair of compression tights to wear under your shorts so you can wear them all winter long.
You are a happy boy. You are so silly and laugh all the time. You are definitely the most social of all of us and want to be playing with friends every day after school. Lucky for you one of your best buds lives just up the street and another across the street so you're rarely at a loss for playmates.
Right now you are our little Jack of all Trades. You've recently gotten into art, you've always loved music and dancing, you're sporty and smart and friendly.
You can do anything you want in life buddy.
I love you right now, precious and little, big and growing, quick and smart.
My Ainsley girl, we're almost 10 years into this together and you've been you from the very start. You are still my imaginative creative vibrant girl. If you had your way you'd spend your school hours writing long stories with elaborate illustrations, making inventions, sewing and crafting, singing and dancing and acting.
You really dislike the structure of school and homework and math but you still hold your love of chemistry fiercely so you're mustering through.
You've taught yourself most of the periodic table and keep a book about it in your backpack at all times. You love any chance to share your knowledge of chemistry with others.
You love your quiet time watching "big kid" shows but are still so sensitive to most movies with anything sad in them.
You love to cook and bake and concoct mixtures with soap and glue and anything you can get your hands on. I still find hidden bowls of unrecognizable crud in your room or under the bathroom sink almost weekly.
You LOVE church and your friends there. You beg to come with me any chance that you can.
You are so excited for basketball starting up and being in your first musical at school this winter. I am excited for you too. I've had a hunch that theater might just be your "thing" for quite some time now.
You begged us to play the viola for almost 2 years and now that you finally are you are finding the practicing and slow pace tedious. As usual you want to be an expert right away and are frustrated that it takes so much work. We're making you power through until the new year (that's how long we rented the instrument for). I have my fingers crossed that you keep going. I think you could be great at it.
You struggle more than most kids I know with friends and school stuff but are so strong and somehow have maintained your spark through many situations of hardship.
You are growing up to be such a beautiful charismatic young lady with such a kind heart (when you want to show it to us ;o).
I love you this moment, sassy and big eyed, too cool for school and daily humbled, snuggly and sweet.
Louise Adele (8)
Oh Louise, you are, for lack of a better term, our little complex unendingly sweet and empathetic tomboy. Your style has erupted this last year and your shy smile when you tried on your first matching sports warm up suit was almost too much cuteness.
You very kindly and carefully told me a few months back that you really aren't comfortable in dresses so we've been finding alternative dress up clothes for you for church. Right now nice pants and a blouse or sweater do the trick but I think if I let you you'd just wear your sports clothes all the time.
You LOVED playing soccer this fall and was sad when it was over. You are excited to play again in the spring.
You're doing dance again and your dad and I have loved that one on one time with you on Mondays driving you to and from your two classes, sitting with you for the half hour in between doing your homework and chatting. What a special time with our growing girl.
You continue to be incredibly self sufficient You know what your homework is and what you need to do each day.
You are such a good sister and friend and it warms my heart to see you look out for others and play so nicely.
You love art and reading the most but also tackle your math and other work with determination.
You are so good at so many things.
We can't wait to see who you grow up to be.
I love you this moment, sporty and sweet, wise and kind, silly and scrumptious.
Felix Daniel (5)
Felix I cannot get over how much you have grown since we moved three years ago. You went from a tiny toddler who needed his blankie to get through the door of preschool to a 5 year old who's taken the bus to and from school all year without one peep of nerves or sadness.
You LOVE school. You are my little sponge right now learning so much and taking it all in.
You started reading last year when you and I worked on a book together and have been reading Dick and Jane every night for many weeks now. Each night you learn a new word or two and once you've learned it it sticks in your brain and you rarely have to sound it out again.
You are very into non fiction and love learning about anything you can about the world around you and history: dinosaurs, planets, insects, geology. You beeline for the nonfiction section at the library and are so proud to check out your books on your own card (though you make me carry them to the car :oP).
You played soccer for the first time too this fall and loved it just as much as Louise. You love your sports clothes just like your big sister and would wear athletic shorts and T shirts every day if you could. I finally broke down and bought you a pair of compression tights to wear under your shorts so you can wear them all winter long.
You are a happy boy. You are so silly and laugh all the time. You are definitely the most social of all of us and want to be playing with friends every day after school. Lucky for you one of your best buds lives just up the street and another across the street so you're rarely at a loss for playmates.
Right now you are our little Jack of all Trades. You've recently gotten into art, you've always loved music and dancing, you're sporty and smart and friendly.
You can do anything you want in life buddy.
I love you right now, precious and little, big and growing, quick and smart.
Tuesday, November 6, 2018
Fall Update 2018
I feel like I'm finally settling into fall. Just last week was my first week with no extra work and no kids home sick. I had two whole days to get things done and it felt so good.
I am loving my new job so much. I love having a reason to shower and get dressed in the morning. It's the first time in many years that I've had to make myself a priority in the mornings right along with the kids. I eat breakfast, even swipe on mascara most mornings, it feels great.
It also, unashamedly, feels so good to get some external validation for a job well done. To remember myself that I love teaching so much and my passion for early childhood education wasn't sucked out of me after raising my three through that stage ;o).
Working has helped tremendously with my productivity as well. I, mostly, stay on top of laundry and other chores much better than when I was home all day with the kids. I feel less burned out even though my schedule is so much busier between my work and church and kid commitments.
I am as excited for the fall holidays as ever. Halloween went by without much ado this year. For the first time I took advantage of the one day Target costume sale and bought them all off the rack across the board. Louise was Hermione (what perfect hair she has for that), Felix was a blue Ninja (the blue was a specific need) and Ainsley was a monarch/Halloween butterfly. I love to see the themes developing with my kids. Louise is almost always a favorite character from a books she's read, Felix is some sort of super hero/bad guy and Ainsley is something friendly and classic. She wanted to be a friendly spider but I was confident I could not bring her vision to life in the way she wanted and was relieved when she was satisfied with the butterfly.
Now that Halloween candy has been hidden and decorations have been taken down I am so looking forward to this season of Thanksgiving. This year we're having Thanksgiving at Ian's Uncle's with his extended family. I'm excited for a big family meal, slightly stressed that I'm responsible for the turkeys to feed 20+ people, and a tidge bummed that we're not hosting so I can't cook the day away in our happy home which is my favorite way to spend Thanksgiving. It's a good continued lesson for me in letting go and being flexible. I don't want to get too rigid with Holidays. It'll be a great day.
I am of course already looking forward to Christmas as well. I have more than half of my shopping done, nothing too big, but bits and pieces for almost everyone stashed away in my not so secret hiding spot in the back of my closet. I'll have to find a new hiding spot soon or I fear I may get some pre Christmas peekers.
For the first year Felix is asking for NO toys. All he wants, and he's been very consistent with this request for months, is a batman CD player and classic rock CDs. I of course can't find a batman CD player so I'm thinking a black one with some stickers will have to do. As for the classic rock? Well he dislikes almost all pop music and the only radio station he likes is the oldies one and even on that he's honed in on his favorite genre. I'm excited for that gift for him.
Louise as usual is asking for nothing in particular. All that she really wants and needs are clothes as she and Ainsley are essentially in the same size now and long sleeved things are in a shortage around here. Louise has asked for a professional art kit and is very into geology. It's always fun to find a few little things for my sweet girl.
Ainsley, as usual, is asking for some elaborate fairy concoction from Santa. I have to admire her gumption, but come on girl! I'm knitting her two sweaters (Louise too actually) and getting her a few small things she's asked for over the past few months. We'll see if Santa can get away with a non magical gift AGAIN this year.
I am going very knitting heavy this year with gifts. I have 7 pretty big projects that I'm hoping to get done. Just yesterday I added one more very ambitious projects to my list. I found the pattern and ordered the yarn in one fell swoop so there's no turning back now!
I just love this season of anticipation and preparation so much. We've already had multiple nights by the fire playing games or reading books. Our craft wall is being filled with turkey projects as we speak. AND I just bought a new charger for the switch because goodness knows there will be lots of time spent in the basement with Mario Cart and Just Dance this winter.
We're getting ready. I love it all so much. Happy late fall!
I am loving my new job so much. I love having a reason to shower and get dressed in the morning. It's the first time in many years that I've had to make myself a priority in the mornings right along with the kids. I eat breakfast, even swipe on mascara most mornings, it feels great.
It also, unashamedly, feels so good to get some external validation for a job well done. To remember myself that I love teaching so much and my passion for early childhood education wasn't sucked out of me after raising my three through that stage ;o).
Working has helped tremendously with my productivity as well. I, mostly, stay on top of laundry and other chores much better than when I was home all day with the kids. I feel less burned out even though my schedule is so much busier between my work and church and kid commitments.
I am as excited for the fall holidays as ever. Halloween went by without much ado this year. For the first time I took advantage of the one day Target costume sale and bought them all off the rack across the board. Louise was Hermione (what perfect hair she has for that), Felix was a blue Ninja (the blue was a specific need) and Ainsley was a monarch/Halloween butterfly. I love to see the themes developing with my kids. Louise is almost always a favorite character from a books she's read, Felix is some sort of super hero/bad guy and Ainsley is something friendly and classic. She wanted to be a friendly spider but I was confident I could not bring her vision to life in the way she wanted and was relieved when she was satisfied with the butterfly.
Now that Halloween candy has been hidden and decorations have been taken down I am so looking forward to this season of Thanksgiving. This year we're having Thanksgiving at Ian's Uncle's with his extended family. I'm excited for a big family meal, slightly stressed that I'm responsible for the turkeys to feed 20+ people, and a tidge bummed that we're not hosting so I can't cook the day away in our happy home which is my favorite way to spend Thanksgiving. It's a good continued lesson for me in letting go and being flexible. I don't want to get too rigid with Holidays. It'll be a great day.
I am of course already looking forward to Christmas as well. I have more than half of my shopping done, nothing too big, but bits and pieces for almost everyone stashed away in my not so secret hiding spot in the back of my closet. I'll have to find a new hiding spot soon or I fear I may get some pre Christmas peekers.
For the first year Felix is asking for NO toys. All he wants, and he's been very consistent with this request for months, is a batman CD player and classic rock CDs. I of course can't find a batman CD player so I'm thinking a black one with some stickers will have to do. As for the classic rock? Well he dislikes almost all pop music and the only radio station he likes is the oldies one and even on that he's honed in on his favorite genre. I'm excited for that gift for him.
Louise as usual is asking for nothing in particular. All that she really wants and needs are clothes as she and Ainsley are essentially in the same size now and long sleeved things are in a shortage around here. Louise has asked for a professional art kit and is very into geology. It's always fun to find a few little things for my sweet girl.
Ainsley, as usual, is asking for some elaborate fairy concoction from Santa. I have to admire her gumption, but come on girl! I'm knitting her two sweaters (Louise too actually) and getting her a few small things she's asked for over the past few months. We'll see if Santa can get away with a non magical gift AGAIN this year.
I am going very knitting heavy this year with gifts. I have 7 pretty big projects that I'm hoping to get done. Just yesterday I added one more very ambitious projects to my list. I found the pattern and ordered the yarn in one fell swoop so there's no turning back now!
I just love this season of anticipation and preparation so much. We've already had multiple nights by the fire playing games or reading books. Our craft wall is being filled with turkey projects as we speak. AND I just bought a new charger for the switch because goodness knows there will be lots of time spent in the basement with Mario Cart and Just Dance this winter.
We're getting ready. I love it all so much. Happy late fall!
Thursday, August 9, 2018
Post Trip
Hey guys. I'm tired.
I shouldn't be tired. I just got back from a 5 day amazing* trip with my husband.
*Just to be clear amazing includes panic attacks attacks and annoyance with him never waiting for me at a crosswalks. But it also includes margaritas and no one yelling at me for whole days at a time.
We got back and it was go time, as I'm realizing it always is with growing kids and a needy dog and a 3000+ sq ft house and a half acre yard (the WEEEEEEEDS!!!!!!) I so struggle to balance the needs of the home and what I feel is "the stuff that really matters". I can let laundry go for a while and close the kids doors when their rooms get atrocious and not vacuum EVERY day until the dog hair gets totally overwhelming, but at some point shit has to get done right? I hate looking back and realizing my day was mostly dumb chores and ignoring the kids.
It's actually been very freeing to accept this as my job though. There are lots of day I know PAID working people don't like their jobs. They have a dumb deadline or a pointless meeting or training or a stupid coworker they have to listen to daily. My job is of course very different but I definitely have days I just need to suffer through. Life.
The harder realization for me is that I'm at my best when we're not so busy. We had a few days this past week that weren't full at all. We were just able to sink into the rhythm of an unstructured day together and I loved that so much. I took the kids swimming and we ran a few quick errands. We tidied up the treehouse and I read to them with blankets sprawled on the floor. The girls rekindled their love of playing with their dolls and Felix got really into his sticker books. When we're running around we just can't find those big stretches of time to get all of that done.
Cue dread about fall. This spring was so sparse activity wise and I kind of loved it. The girls' dance studio had closed so their big activity was out and no one wanted to do a spring sport but Felix (and 5 weeks of 1 hour a week t ball is just the kind of spring sport commitment I love). But now they all want to do everything. Felix and Louise want ju-jitsu and gymnastics and soccer. Louise and Ainsley want 4 dance classes each at a new studio, Ainsley's taking up viola and Felix and Louise are doing piano (taught by me, so super chill but still...). With Wednesday church this is going to leave us almost no free afternoons and that worries me. I love when they get off the bus and we can just be. A leisurely snack, homework out of the way asap. I guess in reality I know they are so tuckered from structure from the day that they're not usually up for mom's projects and ideas anyways. I hope it all goes well.
The phrase "this isn't in any parenting books" keeps going through my head. We have to make SO many decisions as parents that it feels impossible not to second guess or become paralyzed by the options. There is a peace in realizing that there probably is no perfect way to do anything. I let my kids dictate maybe more than they should, but I figure at least they're learning how to decide things for themselves. So wish me luck this fall!!!
I shouldn't be tired. I just got back from a 5 day amazing* trip with my husband.
*Just to be clear amazing includes panic attacks attacks and annoyance with him never waiting for me at a crosswalks. But it also includes margaritas and no one yelling at me for whole days at a time.
We got back and it was go time, as I'm realizing it always is with growing kids and a needy dog and a 3000+ sq ft house and a half acre yard (the WEEEEEEEDS!!!!!!) I so struggle to balance the needs of the home and what I feel is "the stuff that really matters". I can let laundry go for a while and close the kids doors when their rooms get atrocious and not vacuum EVERY day until the dog hair gets totally overwhelming, but at some point shit has to get done right? I hate looking back and realizing my day was mostly dumb chores and ignoring the kids.
It's actually been very freeing to accept this as my job though. There are lots of day I know PAID working people don't like their jobs. They have a dumb deadline or a pointless meeting or training or a stupid coworker they have to listen to daily. My job is of course very different but I definitely have days I just need to suffer through. Life.
The harder realization for me is that I'm at my best when we're not so busy. We had a few days this past week that weren't full at all. We were just able to sink into the rhythm of an unstructured day together and I loved that so much. I took the kids swimming and we ran a few quick errands. We tidied up the treehouse and I read to them with blankets sprawled on the floor. The girls rekindled their love of playing with their dolls and Felix got really into his sticker books. When we're running around we just can't find those big stretches of time to get all of that done.
Cue dread about fall. This spring was so sparse activity wise and I kind of loved it. The girls' dance studio had closed so their big activity was out and no one wanted to do a spring sport but Felix (and 5 weeks of 1 hour a week t ball is just the kind of spring sport commitment I love). But now they all want to do everything. Felix and Louise want ju-jitsu and gymnastics and soccer. Louise and Ainsley want 4 dance classes each at a new studio, Ainsley's taking up viola and Felix and Louise are doing piano (taught by me, so super chill but still...). With Wednesday church this is going to leave us almost no free afternoons and that worries me. I love when they get off the bus and we can just be. A leisurely snack, homework out of the way asap. I guess in reality I know they are so tuckered from structure from the day that they're not usually up for mom's projects and ideas anyways. I hope it all goes well.
The phrase "this isn't in any parenting books" keeps going through my head. We have to make SO many decisions as parents that it feels impossible not to second guess or become paralyzed by the options. There is a peace in realizing that there probably is no perfect way to do anything. I let my kids dictate maybe more than they should, but I figure at least they're learning how to decide things for themselves. So wish me luck this fall!!!
Summer Solstice
The hippy in me always wishes I celebrated the solstices more. I mean any excuse for a celebration right? Perhaps a late night bonfire or a baking of sun bread, SOMETHING. At least I mentioned it to the kids right?
Despite it only being the first true day of summer we are surely already in the thick of it. This week is the first full summer whammy with no camps or classes and just us 4, 10 hours a day. To make it even more interesting it rained the first three days of the week taking parks and beaches and bike rides out of the mix.
It's been alright. The kids fill their days on their own mostly. I orchestrate meals and crafts sometimes but other than that they're off. It's weird and sad to be in this stage of life. I'm not good with change. I'm trying and praying I make peace with it soon.
For now I'm leaning on what I know which is diving into my own making and planning the bits I know the kids will glom onto.
I'm suddenly wanting to change everything about the first floor of our home. After painting nearly every room at the end of the winter I now want new couches, consoles, coffee tables, rugs, art, shelves. Of course to get this all at once is a tad cost prohibitive so I'm having fun searching and planning.
For now I'm focusing on what I can do relatively cost free. I got this idea to make a ladder bookshelf for our living room and mere minutes later I spotted an old wooden painting ladder in a neighbor's dumpster bag. I knocked and asked for it. He WALKED IT TO OUR HOUSE FOR ME. Today I found scrap wood for shelves and borrowed a sander from my dad and bought stain and screws. I'm so pumped for that shelf.
Other than that I'm focusing on the art. I have two paintings to finish but am feeling like the house is pretty "Becky's paintings" heavy already so in looking for alternatives I found an idea to use a hula hoop as a giant circular loom and am excited to try out some weaving for the brick wall above the fireplace.
I don't know what's spurred it but my creative side is exploding and there simply aren't enough hours in the day anymore.
Aside from my personal to do goals I find my children are always so present in my mind. They have all grown up so much and I find myself having to write down their current interests and passions just to keep it all straight.
Ainsley is as vivacious as ever. Tonight when she was supposed to be getting in the car getting buckled she was instead pogo sticking on the driveway. (keep in mind this was after a LONG day of not listening) Me: "So do you just not know the right thing to do, or do you not care? It has to be one of those two". A: "Oh, I just don't care". AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! This kid drives me WILD just about every 10 minutes. So wild that I can find it hard to remember the good stuff a lot of the time. Tonight I'm thinking about her resilience, how all it takes from me is a sincere I love you and a bear hug and she still melts into my arms. She's SO into chemistry. She's still super into her dolls. They always have injuries and ailments, always. She still mostly doesn't read much (yet tests in the 90th percentile for her age :oP) She prefers non fiction like the Guinness Book of World Records or Chicken Soup for the Preteen Soul. We got in a drag down fight at the library about her wanting a Jodie Picoult novel and sex and love and me saying NO WAY!!!! Also she stole my new razor and hid it in her room because she's desperate to shave her legs. I can't make this stuff up guys.
Ainsley loves to create and make and always has a plan. She loves her friends and wishes she was old enough to stay home alone. She's looking so old to me and gorgeous and it's terrifying and heartbreaking, but I guess it's the way of it. Hoping for a good summer with my girl.
I can hardly belive that Louise is going to be in upper elementary next year. She's not even 8 yet!!!! But third grade it is and I am so thankful that I have no worries with her and school. She loves to do work. If I motivate to make a list she'll check off each box until they are all done. She's my little reader and I almost regret showing her how to request books at the library. She has her nose in at least 3 or 4 at a time. She's sticking tight to her proclamation that she will never get married or have children and just wants to be an artist living above our garage. I'm secretly putting pennies a jar for that apartment girl, I'd love that too. She could draw and write and play and laugh all day. She is so deliciously innocent and young and I just want to bottle her up.
Felix is still my sweet little rambunctious guy. He is super easy going yet somehow VERY opinionated all at once. He is so ready for school next year but my heart breaks for him because he loved preschool and his friends so much and all that is changing for him. He's the first of my three to really latch on to friends so young. He's had playdate after playdate this summer. I can drop him off anywhere and he's happy as a clam. He's such a breath of fresh air after all the emotions and worries I deal with with my other two. I catch myself feeling so very sad about him going to school because I loved our time together so much these past few years. We had three whole years where it was just us two after preschool. I didn't have that with either of the girls. Everytime I see a caribou I'm going to miss him begging me for mango smoothie and everytime I go workout I'm going to miss having him to pick up after. It's the end of an era for me as a mom and for Felix and I as a duo. That feels hard right now.
I hope this midsummer finds you all well. I am so thankful for the weeks ahead before the hustle and bustle of school.
Despite it only being the first true day of summer we are surely already in the thick of it. This week is the first full summer whammy with no camps or classes and just us 4, 10 hours a day. To make it even more interesting it rained the first three days of the week taking parks and beaches and bike rides out of the mix.
It's been alright. The kids fill their days on their own mostly. I orchestrate meals and crafts sometimes but other than that they're off. It's weird and sad to be in this stage of life. I'm not good with change. I'm trying and praying I make peace with it soon.
For now I'm leaning on what I know which is diving into my own making and planning the bits I know the kids will glom onto.
I'm suddenly wanting to change everything about the first floor of our home. After painting nearly every room at the end of the winter I now want new couches, consoles, coffee tables, rugs, art, shelves. Of course to get this all at once is a tad cost prohibitive so I'm having fun searching and planning.
For now I'm focusing on what I can do relatively cost free. I got this idea to make a ladder bookshelf for our living room and mere minutes later I spotted an old wooden painting ladder in a neighbor's dumpster bag. I knocked and asked for it. He WALKED IT TO OUR HOUSE FOR ME. Today I found scrap wood for shelves and borrowed a sander from my dad and bought stain and screws. I'm so pumped for that shelf.
Other than that I'm focusing on the art. I have two paintings to finish but am feeling like the house is pretty "Becky's paintings" heavy already so in looking for alternatives I found an idea to use a hula hoop as a giant circular loom and am excited to try out some weaving for the brick wall above the fireplace.
I don't know what's spurred it but my creative side is exploding and there simply aren't enough hours in the day anymore.
Aside from my personal to do goals I find my children are always so present in my mind. They have all grown up so much and I find myself having to write down their current interests and passions just to keep it all straight.
Ainsley is as vivacious as ever. Tonight when she was supposed to be getting in the car getting buckled she was instead pogo sticking on the driveway. (keep in mind this was after a LONG day of not listening) Me: "So do you just not know the right thing to do, or do you not care? It has to be one of those two". A: "Oh, I just don't care". AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! This kid drives me WILD just about every 10 minutes. So wild that I can find it hard to remember the good stuff a lot of the time. Tonight I'm thinking about her resilience, how all it takes from me is a sincere I love you and a bear hug and she still melts into my arms. She's SO into chemistry. She's still super into her dolls. They always have injuries and ailments, always. She still mostly doesn't read much (yet tests in the 90th percentile for her age :oP) She prefers non fiction like the Guinness Book of World Records or Chicken Soup for the Preteen Soul. We got in a drag down fight at the library about her wanting a Jodie Picoult novel and sex and love and me saying NO WAY!!!! Also she stole my new razor and hid it in her room because she's desperate to shave her legs. I can't make this stuff up guys.
Ainsley loves to create and make and always has a plan. She loves her friends and wishes she was old enough to stay home alone. She's looking so old to me and gorgeous and it's terrifying and heartbreaking, but I guess it's the way of it. Hoping for a good summer with my girl.
I can hardly belive that Louise is going to be in upper elementary next year. She's not even 8 yet!!!! But third grade it is and I am so thankful that I have no worries with her and school. She loves to do work. If I motivate to make a list she'll check off each box until they are all done. She's my little reader and I almost regret showing her how to request books at the library. She has her nose in at least 3 or 4 at a time. She's sticking tight to her proclamation that she will never get married or have children and just wants to be an artist living above our garage. I'm secretly putting pennies a jar for that apartment girl, I'd love that too. She could draw and write and play and laugh all day. She is so deliciously innocent and young and I just want to bottle her up.
Felix is still my sweet little rambunctious guy. He is super easy going yet somehow VERY opinionated all at once. He is so ready for school next year but my heart breaks for him because he loved preschool and his friends so much and all that is changing for him. He's the first of my three to really latch on to friends so young. He's had playdate after playdate this summer. I can drop him off anywhere and he's happy as a clam. He's such a breath of fresh air after all the emotions and worries I deal with with my other two. I catch myself feeling so very sad about him going to school because I loved our time together so much these past few years. We had three whole years where it was just us two after preschool. I didn't have that with either of the girls. Everytime I see a caribou I'm going to miss him begging me for mango smoothie and everytime I go workout I'm going to miss having him to pick up after. It's the end of an era for me as a mom and for Felix and I as a duo. That feels hard right now.
I hope this midsummer finds you all well. I am so thankful for the weeks ahead before the hustle and bustle of school.
First Summer Days
The kids haven't even been out of school a week and already it feels like full blown summer. Our summers look a bit different every year. Each year I try to tweak it to get it just right. Each summer I think maybe THIS is the summer where I strike the perfect balance between weeks of camps and glorious free time.
This year Louise wanted nothing to do with camps outside of church so she's in drama camp (this week) and VBS (last week of July). Ainsley is doing her first 4 day overnight camp in August and another week of day camp+an overnight in July, in addition to the two church camps. Felix is doing VBS and two weeks of preschool camp. Thrown in there as well are two 10 day trips to the cabin and one 5 day trip for Ian and I to the Cape and Boston, SANS children.
I think this summer I may have hit the jackpot.
This summer my baby is 5. He can swim and bike and takes really good care of himself. I can sew inside while they play outside and only check on them every 20 minutes or so. Alternatively they are all young enough that they vie for position on my lap on a picnic blanket when we start a new book together. I've been sad lately about leaving the preschool years behind, but maybe this new stage is the best yet in it's own way?
I was more nervous about this summer than any other summer. I knew I'd be juggling friends over and kids over at friends and squabbles and drama. My three all have BIG personalities and while they can play well together it always ends in loudness and disagreements. BUT! The beauty of seasoned parenthood is having tricks up my sleeves that I don't bat an eye about. Slip n slide, bike rides, nature walks, getting OUT. It always reboots us. I'm thankful to be on turf that I know so well, with standbys from my childhood still there.
This summer my goal is to settle. Not in the sense of being ok with the mundane, but in looking around us and just leaning in to what we have here. One thing I've noticed since moving here is I've gotten in the habit of shopping during my free time. If I had an extra half our before preschool pickup I'd peruse the thrift shop or Target. I've gone through the Caribou drive through more times than I'd like to admit out of convenience. I often think of how different life was in Oak Park. How I used to make myself walk my errands with a double stroller and tiny biker or baby wearer in tow. I used to go days between going to a store. I got such a thrill out of just thriving on what we already had. Now here I am with a chest freezer, full pantry and exploding garden and I still can't thin k of a thing to make for dinner some nights. The devil of convenience in the suburbs is real.
I had just gotten used to Oak Park and settled into our way of life and then we had to reboot again. I had a girl who really struggled with our move and truth be told I struggled too. Change is my achilles heel.
But the whole summer is ahead of us. I hope it's one to remember.
This year Louise wanted nothing to do with camps outside of church so she's in drama camp (this week) and VBS (last week of July). Ainsley is doing her first 4 day overnight camp in August and another week of day camp+an overnight in July, in addition to the two church camps. Felix is doing VBS and two weeks of preschool camp. Thrown in there as well are two 10 day trips to the cabin and one 5 day trip for Ian and I to the Cape and Boston, SANS children.
I think this summer I may have hit the jackpot.
This summer my baby is 5. He can swim and bike and takes really good care of himself. I can sew inside while they play outside and only check on them every 20 minutes or so. Alternatively they are all young enough that they vie for position on my lap on a picnic blanket when we start a new book together. I've been sad lately about leaving the preschool years behind, but maybe this new stage is the best yet in it's own way?
I was more nervous about this summer than any other summer. I knew I'd be juggling friends over and kids over at friends and squabbles and drama. My three all have BIG personalities and while they can play well together it always ends in loudness and disagreements. BUT! The beauty of seasoned parenthood is having tricks up my sleeves that I don't bat an eye about. Slip n slide, bike rides, nature walks, getting OUT. It always reboots us. I'm thankful to be on turf that I know so well, with standbys from my childhood still there.
This summer my goal is to settle. Not in the sense of being ok with the mundane, but in looking around us and just leaning in to what we have here. One thing I've noticed since moving here is I've gotten in the habit of shopping during my free time. If I had an extra half our before preschool pickup I'd peruse the thrift shop or Target. I've gone through the Caribou drive through more times than I'd like to admit out of convenience. I often think of how different life was in Oak Park. How I used to make myself walk my errands with a double stroller and tiny biker or baby wearer in tow. I used to go days between going to a store. I got such a thrill out of just thriving on what we already had. Now here I am with a chest freezer, full pantry and exploding garden and I still can't thin k of a thing to make for dinner some nights. The devil of convenience in the suburbs is real.
I had just gotten used to Oak Park and settled into our way of life and then we had to reboot again. I had a girl who really struggled with our move and truth be told I struggled too. Change is my achilles heel.
But the whole summer is ahead of us. I hope it's one to remember.
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