Post Trip

Hey guys.  I'm tired.

I shouldn't be tired.  I just got back from a 5 day amazing* trip with my husband.
*Just to be clear amazing includes panic attacks attacks and annoyance with him never waiting for me at a crosswalks.  But it also includes margaritas and no one yelling at me for whole days at a time.

We got back and it was go time, as I'm realizing it always is with growing kids and a needy dog and a 3000+ sq ft house and a half acre yard (the WEEEEEEEDS!!!!!!)  I so struggle to balance the needs of the home and what I feel is "the stuff that really matters".  I can let laundry go for a while and close the kids doors when their rooms get atrocious and not vacuum EVERY day until the dog hair gets totally overwhelming, but at some point shit has to get done right? I hate looking back and realizing my day was mostly dumb chores and ignoring the kids.

It's actually been very freeing to accept this as my job though.  There are lots of day I know PAID working people don't like their jobs.  They have a dumb deadline or a pointless meeting or training or a stupid coworker they have to listen to daily.  My job is of course very different but I definitely have days I just need to suffer through.  Life.

The harder realization for me is that I'm at my best when we're not so busy.  We had a few days this past week that weren't full at all.  We were just able to sink into the rhythm of an unstructured day together and I loved that so much.  I took the kids swimming and we ran a few quick errands.  We tidied up the treehouse and I read to them with blankets sprawled on the floor.  The girls rekindled their love of playing with their dolls and Felix got really into his sticker books.  When we're running around we just can't find those big stretches of time to get all of that done.

Cue dread about fall.  This spring was so sparse activity wise and I kind of loved it.  The girls' dance studio had closed so their big activity was out and no one wanted to do a spring sport but Felix (and 5 weeks of 1 hour a week t ball is just the kind of spring sport commitment I love).  But now they all want to do everything.  Felix and Louise want ju-jitsu and gymnastics and soccer.  Louise and Ainsley want 4 dance classes each at a new studio, Ainsley's taking up viola and Felix and Louise are doing piano (taught by me, so super chill but still...).  With Wednesday church this is going to leave us almost no free afternoons and that worries me.  I love when they get off the bus and we can just be.  A leisurely snack, homework out of the way asap.  I guess in reality I know they are so tuckered from structure from the day that they're not usually up for mom's projects and ideas anyways.  I hope it all goes well.

The phrase "this isn't in any parenting books" keeps going through my head.  We have to make SO many decisions as parents that it feels impossible not to second guess or become paralyzed by the options.  There is a peace in realizing that there probably is no perfect way to do anything.  I let my kids dictate maybe more than they should, but I figure at least they're learning how to decide things for themselves.  So wish me luck this fall!!!