For Jackie

Yet again I find myself on here to work through some things.  I could have written about all the awesome food I've been making this week (and I still might, it's been good), or how BOTH of my girls are suddenly reading. (um yes, 4 year old Louise too, her sister's been teaching her when I'm not around, I'm astounded and delighted), or how amazing Christmas and Ainsley's birthday in Minnesota was (it's the first year we didn't declare "next year we're staying home!" on the way back, seriously it was that good).  But now I'm prompted to write by something more serious and sad so here I am.

I learned today that an old family friend passed away.  He was 26.  Younger than my youngest sister, the youngest of four too.  His family lived across from mine growing up.  They moved away when I was in 2nd grade to Massachusetts but somehow their family has always felt so close.  I was just shocked today when I learned about the car accident.  I'm still just dumfounded and speechless really.  So many things are running through my head.

Tonight after I got the call from my mom I cried for a moment in the kitchen, dinner bubbling away on the stove.  I've been so stressed out, I'm ALWAYS stressed out.  Suddenly none of it mattered.  After dinner I went the the computer and booked our tickets to Florida for March.  I let the girls stay up a whole half hour late because they were having so much fun reading to me that I didn't want it to end.  I marched upstairs three times, HAPPILY, post bedtime to help Ainsley sound out a word in a new story she's writing, to find Snowflake Bear and itchy Naynay for Louise.  That last time I just kissed their sweet heads and breathed in their smell.

Growing is so hard, but to not grow?  I don't even want to imagine it.  It's been hard for me coming out of that cocoon of young adulthood, shedding my invincibility and opening myself up to all of the hardships and scariness that this life can hold.  But I am alive and my children are healthy and my husband with his manly scruff and his shining eyes and his endless patience for our antics could not be more perfect.  It can be so nauseating to hear "soak it all in every moment", but it's entirely true.

Tonight I remembered the spirit of a young man who I really knew so briefly but who left an impression on my heart.  I felt patience and calm and love that I haven't felt in a while.  Tomorrow I will hold on to that and kiss my kids again and again and be thankful for each breath that I take, every single moment I have, we have together.