A Bit More

I'm trying to find time to blog more again.  I miss it! It's hard!
If I thought life was hard with two little ones and baby I had no clue how hard it'd be with a kindergartener, a preschooler and a toddler who only takes naps in his crib 4-5 days a week.  Life is just crazy full right now.
Felix is finally amazingly sleeping completely and totally through the night.  We put him down at 7 he sleeps until 6.  It's just the best thing in the whole world.  And he's adorable and funny and talking and taking off his pants and sitting on the toilet.  He is just the best little guy I can imagine.  I can totally forgive him for falling asleep in the car every damn time I drive to get Louise from school.  I seriously can.
Louise is just the best.  I am so loving all the alone time I get with her in a day.  She is funny and sweet and so easy going.  She asks the best questions and always reminds me that life should be fun and easy, don't stress so much mom!  She has decided that she does NOT want to go to kindergarten next year, after months of definitely wanting to go, no questions asked.  It's making this tremendous decision that we have to make in May a bit more difficult.  Everything I know about early child hood development and my sweet girl is telling me to give her another year of preschool while society and this face paced world is telling me she should go, of course she should go, she's old enough isn't she? (by FIVE days!!!) Man, parenting is SO much harder than I ever imagined.

Ainsley.
I feel like my overall tone with her on here is a bit negative, at the very least dismissive.
I know a lot of you saw my post about the amazing book I found on Facebook.  I'm still diving in.  It's helped a lot to feel like although this is so incredibly hard with her it is normal and it's ok and we're not completely screwing her up.
But friends she is a very tough child to parent.  She is indeed MORE of all those trying things about children.
Just today when I went to pick her up from school she was melting with exhaustion (I can tell within moments of seeing her face at drop off how our whole afternoon is going to go).  She REFUSED to walk the four blocks to our house.  The windchill was in the teens, we were walking our two neighbors home.  She would NOT walk you guys.  So I grabbed her hand firmly and pulled her along.  I pushed our double stroller with my left arm alone and kept a smile on my face for our neighbor girls who are the sweetest things imaginable.  We made it but Ainsley spent a full 45 minutes in her room fuming that I'd ruined her life.
This is just one incident.  This happens almost daily, somedays many many times.
Its' so hard because it clouds my enjoyment of my child.  When I worry how she's going to wake up, how her day at school was, if me suggesting an outing when she's not in the mood for one will send her completely crashing.  It's a really hard way to live.
But I'm learning to focus on the good with her.  Hone in on what a magnificent kid she is.  How in her first report card her teacher spent a whole paragraph applauding her creativity and attention to detail in her drawings, what a good friend she is and how delightful she is to have in class. I know all of these things about my girl, I do, but i just can't hold on to them when she's throwing an all out tantrum for two solid hours because I told her she couldn't wear a high necked blouse under her long sleeved velvet dress to the nutcracker, because I love her and knew she'd be too hot.
See the truth is in parenting it is the little stuff.  Of course there's love and hope and all that jazz, but there's also getting out the door in the mornings, and meal times, and getting dressed and going to activities and learning and working, and when all of that is an all out war?  well it sucks and it wears you down pretty damn fast.
So two days ago I was finally ready to admit that we had a problem.  I'm willing to accept that my girl is wired differently, but I'm not willing to accept it ruining our days.  Ian and I have found some peace and our girl, our whole family is soaring a bit because of it.
I share in case you and your family are going through something similar.  Perhaps you're too scared to take that first step and admit something is off.  It's scary but once you have you can finally move forward.  Forward, in front of all that crap, is a great place to be.