Keeping On

I am simply floored by all of the support and love we've been receiving over the past few days.  Thank you thank you, so so much.

After Ian's second trip to the ER the doctor confirmed his diagnosis from before and sent him home with some new medication.  He's definitely been better than he was on Monday, but still unable to be up and about much at all and eating is still a feat.  The trick now is finding the right combination of meds to keep him comfortable and side effect free until his body can get rid of this infection.

I broke down for a bit again last night.  Even with all of Dan's help the girls are an extra handful and I am just so tired.  I felt good yesterday morning and took them out to get a few things, three errands later my body was shot and I paid for it all night long with lots of pain and contractions.  I crawled into bed right after I got the girls down and just broke down.  Ian, even in his sad state, was reassuring  "we'll make it" he kept saying.   And we will surely, I just hope it's well, and soon.

Today things are looking the brightest they have since this all started last Friday.  Ian was up with the girls, in some pain, but more manageable than it has been.  We enjoyed family coffee while grandpa Dan slept, I got to get my hair cut, Ian insisting I keep the appointment I'd already rescheduled once.  When I returned Dan and I left Ian with a quiet house to take the girls to the library where we found some fun movies to snuggle up to in the next days and lots of new books.  Dan treated us all to Culvers for lunch and Ian was able to eat nearly his whole burger, the first real substantial food he's eaten in about 5 days.  Now everyone is napping and I'm tidying a bit, readying for the midwife's homevisit this evening.  I think it will be good for us to focus for a bit of this new baby, and not in the scary they may be born early and I'll be on my own way, but the we're so close to getting a homebirth and so excited to meet them way.

And as always there has been some good that has come out of all of this trauma.  I am loving this time to get to know my father in law all over again so well.  He's so wonderful with the girls, so helpful around the house.  We were joking last night that he's seeing a whole new side of me.  Not the type A all put together homecookin housecleaning rearing to go Becky, but the half sticks of butter all over the counter because I'm too lazy to put them away, sitting all the time, sure lets eat leftovers again, messy floors and I don't care Becky.  It's been good for me.  Letting go a bit and laughing at yourself almost always is.

And those girls are loving their grandpa Dan time.  He ran them ragged at the park, played with them all afternoon so I could rest yesterday when I wasn't feeling so hot, read them books before bed, in his silly always teaching something grandpa Dan way.  He's always up for fun with them, been scouring our house spring cleaning style, cooking, running errands.  You're amazing Dan!

And just now?  Ian came down from naps early, unable to sleep (meaning perhaps he finally doesn't need to sleep all afternoon?!?!) and is sipping on coffee, watching some baseball.  It ALMOST feels like a normal weekend afternoon, except it's not.  I so hope he keeps feeling better, and have faith he will soon.

And I'll leave you with a little photo evidence of our survival...

one of many loving on grandpa Dan moments of late...

 if that isn't one big strong baby in there, I don't know what is...

(35.2 weeks)

smiles are always good signs

Thank you again for all of the love and support.  We've felt every ounce and it means so much.

Humble Pie

i'm sitting here staring off into space, HGTV on in the background, the girls downstairs with auntie sonya watching the little princess, and I'm pulling the front section of my hair through my fingers over and over.  I've done this since I was little.  It's my stress reliever, my calm down mechanism.  I may be bald soon from all this finger combing, but it's working, so I go with it.

Things are very heavy right now over here.  Part of me is hesitant to use this space right now for this purpose but writing is another stress reliever for me and knowing that all of you are reading this helps a bit.  Right now any little bit helps.

Ian is sick.  He was sent to the ER from urgent care on Saturday for suspected appendicitis.  It's not that, but it's bad.  Some viral infection in his stomach gone bad, resulting in lots and lots of pain.  My boy can't eat, he can hardly sit up.  The meds aren't working.  It's not getting better.  Tonight he's back at the ER with his dad who drove into town last night on a moments notice to help us.  I don't know how we'd have gotten through the past 24 hours without him.  He's fired up and ready to get some answers.  I am so thankful for him right now.

On top of it all, I thought I was going into labor on Sunday.  Surely induced from the stress and worry contractions were coming every 4-6 minutes all morning long.  They hurt, I was terrified.  Having Ian so sick is bad enough, having Ian so sick that he wouldn't have been able to be with me on an emergency trip to the maternity ward while I gave birth to a premature baby was terrifying.

So I guess I'm writing to ask for prayers for my boy, for him to get relief soon.  Prayers for the doctors so that they can help him and fix him and figure it out.  Prayers for my father in law who has taken on a whole lot coming here.  Prayers for this 35 week baby in my belly, that they stay in there at least 11 more days.

I'm also writing with a big side of humility tonight.  It took a lot for me to ask for help, admit that we were in over our heads, that our little family couldn't do it on our own.  And you know what?  We got help.  In the form of an enthusiastic rearing to go father in law, an amazingly supportive sister in law and every distant family member  friend, and close neighbor.  I know that no matter what these next days bring we're covered.  My girls will be taken care of, my boy will be advocated for, this baby will be healthy and strong.

Life sometimes has a very clear and abrupt way of reminding us that we aren't in control, that we are just tiny pieces in a much larger puzzle.  Tonight I reach out to those who are lifting us up and keeping us strong.  Tonight I am humbled, and thankful, and still a bit scared.

Thank you for listening.  Sometimes that's as good as anything.

P.S. How I wish I were a kid again right now.  All my girls know is excitement that their beloved Grandpa Dan is in town, that they get to play so much with Auntie Sonya, and joy that daddy is around all day, on a Monday!  My girls are my rocks right now, pulling me forward, reminding me of what matters and that in the end it's all going to be ok.

34 Weeks

I have so much to say about reaching the 34 week mark, that I really find myself at a loss for words.  I know I know, I've felt a bit dramatic about hitting all these gestational milestones.  I just can't help it.

34 weeks!!!

Because you see, THIS was the point when things got concerning when I was pregnant with Ainsley and THIS was the point when I finally felt I could take my first breath after four weeks of bedrest pregnant with Louise. Yet here I am feeling as good as one can at this stage, just plugging right along.

Hitting this milestone means that the baby is a good size.  Even if the baby were born today they would most likely be just fine, a bit small and needing a bit of O2  perhaps, but in the long run?  just fine.

my new afternoon wardrobe, yoga pants, maternity t-shirt and Ian's hoodie, dressed to impress

Still rather than jump up and down and celebrate I'm still in slow down mode.  Half because being up and about for any longer than about half hour makes my back feel like it's breaking in two and half because I'm still careful not to overdo it.

Ainsley came with me to my appointment last week and all was well.  The baby is still head down, moving and squirming around all the time.  Just one more appointment until I'm full term.  I can't wait!

I'm thankful for all that the next few weeks hold, to help time move right along (right? please?).

This week is our home visit with the midwives.  They'll walk around and help us better plan for the big day.  I've allowed myself to start preparing, and now joining my just in case packed hospital satchel is a much larger homebirth, yay! bag filled with odds and ends and necessities.

Next week is the girls' spring break.  I'm trying to focus on the positives   A whole week to be with just my girls, playing and crafting like our old selves, preparing for Easter and baby fun, soaking up our little daily threesome before I really become outnumbered!!! But of course in the back of my mind I'm apprehensive about filling a whole week well without being able to get out and DO all too much.  Thank goodness for Easter activities and this late winter weather.  Really, it takes away so much guilt about us not being at the park all afternoon.  Soon, soon!

And then, just one week more.  These weeks are still flying by.  We've gotten into such a good weekday routine.  For all the worry I had this fall about filling our mornings too full with school and activities I am now SO thankful for a routine and schedule.  It's been such a blessing these past weeks and months.

And our little calm family weekends get more precious every week.  My fleeting quiet alone time while Ian takes the girls out and about in the morning is so very special to me.  While I am of course beyond delighted to nurse and care for our baby I am well aware of all that takes out of me, how much work it can feel like sometimes.  I'm soaking up every ounce of alone time I can.  And then our afternoons are just us, all together.  Making art, playing games, dancing around the living room, cooking and eating, reading and snuggling.  It's what this growing family is all about to me.  I'm loving it.

family paint session making onesies for the baby

So today I say an extra prayer of thanks, for this body of mine that is holding up well, for this growing bigger every minute baby that we all can't wait to meet, for two little girls so sweet and helpful and eager, and for my boy who goes above and beyond every day to give me the rest I need to make it through.  Pregnancy really is a team effort around here these days.

Three more weeks!

made it 34 weeks in my pre pregnancy jeans (with bella band of course)...it felt quite good to get into some yoga pants after a morning out in those

Where Were We?

Pardon me, but I've officially entered the vortex of we're having a baby soon! and it's kind of consumed me whole.

I feel like a bad mom about 80% of the time, I lie around at least 50% of the time, and even with a fully stocked fridge we've gotten take out twice this week.  Yeah, that sounds about right.

 but I also got some pretty great new rainboots, so I think things are evening out...

I'd rather mistakenly hoped that getting past 30 weeks would feel so monumental, so reassuring that life would go on as normal   I was wrong.  Turns out, worry of going into labor early aside, I'm still huge and pregnant, and that makes most thing hard.

a typical afternoon around here of late

And speaking of normal, I'm not sure I know what that is.  I've never had a "normal" end to my pregnancies.  For me it's normal to have a billion braxton hicks all day, then take a bath at night go to bed early and whalla! total calm.  It's normal to not be able to move much at all past about 5pm.  It's normal to be in so much pain when getting up from a lying down position that I groan and grimace and whine like a tiny baby.  The issue I'm having now is how much to let myself power through.  Weighing what I really need to do, versus what's just extra and unnecessary.  It's tricky.

Take yesterday for instance.  Two doctors appointments and playschool drops offs for Louise, topped off with Ainsley's first drop off playdate...oh man, that was a big morning.  Almost more emotionally than physically (which I think wears me out more).

I was a bit keyed up for my midwife appointment.  My blood pressure was JUST this side of high last time and I was paranoid that it would continue to go up.  It was the same, ONE point higher than they'd like, so the nurse asked me to sink back into the comfy couch, take 5 big breathes, laid my arm up on a pillow, and close my eyes.  10 points lower.  Well within normal.  Oh man, I'm such a nut.

Then Ainsley and I walked over to the bread shop to get a pastry for her and a coffee for me as a reward for my normal blood pressure.  Let me tell you, there's not much that gets that girl more excited than a whole pecan roll all to herself.

Then we picked up Louise from school where Ainsley insisted on being the first in line. She safety (super slowly) walked up to Louise where they beamed and hugged for at least a whole minute.  Then walked around holding hands.  Even the other moms cooed at how cute they were.  It was adorable.

I'm pretty sure they're in love

(above:: sharing in the joy of new Costco jammies, 

below:: watching in awe as the windshield of our car was replaced)

When we headed on over to Ainsley's (very belated) 4 year well visit.  She was a bit nervous, not at all trusting me when I told her that she wasn't getting any shots this time.  But then she rallied and I just got to sit back while my big girl answered all the drs questions.  She told him her favorite food was carrots.  She spelled her name for him.  She told him willingly that she doesn't like milk, but has to drink a glass with lunch and dinner.  She told him all about school and her friends and how she's loving learning to read and write.  My peanut girl weighed in at 32 lbs (15th percentile for her age) and is average height (I can't for the life of me remember the inches off the top of my head).  She sure is built like her dad.  When it was time to leave she beamed.  I love the dr.  He's the nicest man in the world.  Success!

Then it was time to head over to her friend's house for an afternoon playdate.  I was dropping her off and i'll admit I was worried.  Ainsley's had a tough time leaving me, pretty much her whole life, and I REALLY wasn't in the mindspace to deal with a scene.  I need not have worried.  She bounded out of the car and hopped up the stairs to my best friend ever Olivia's house!  I saw her again three hours later when the nanny walked them the half mile back to our house.  Needless to say she slept well last night, and had SUCH a good time.

Louise napped so well in the quiet house and I enjoyed a midday bath and finished devouring the first book in the #1 Ladies Detective Agency.  It's been sitting on my shelf for years.  I don't know why I hadn't read it.  So entertaining.

Then Ainsley came home, Louise woke up, and we commenced our usual lay around afternoon.  The sun was beaming outside and it was one of those days when it was hard for me to listen to my tired body and stay put.  I so want to play with my girls like normal, be the mom they know me to be.  Thankfully they are just as happy to play with each other inside, or watch Kiki's Delivery Service for the zillionth time.

very happy girls

My mantra of late has been 3 More Weeks! 3 More Weeks! Because then at least the worry of going into labor early will be gone, and while I still won't be fully "me", I can at least power through a bit more.

So there you are.  We are here! All safe and snug in our little we're having a baby soon! cocoon.  Truthfully, it's an ok place to be.  Well, at least for the next three weeks. Then, soon! we'll be in the we have a new baby! bermuda triangle.  I'm pretty excited about that one.

Weekending

Weekends have taken on a whole new meaning for me in the last few weeks.  While they used to be a time to get things done! be productive! prepare and plan for the week!  they are now truly a time of rest.   A lot of much needed rest.

Funny then that I'm here again, up way before the sun. Thankful for the first time in my life for this shortened day, meaning I can shave one hour off of my (ahem, this baby's) far too early start to the day.

But really the weekends aren't about sleep so much as about a slow pace, a resting pace.  These are the two days a week that I really get to dial it back, listen entirely to this stressed out body of mine and focus on this baby.

This weekend I've been enjoying preparing a little bit more.  The tiny packages of baby goodies* and spring funs for the girls are arriving in steady streams.  Knitting has finally taken a backseat to some exciting sewing projects.  The rain outside is wiping away the last of the snow, assuring us all that spring is indeed right around the corner, and with it? a whole new rhythm for our family.
*you know you're really a parent when you spend the last of your amazon birthday money on nipple butter and mama's milk tea

With the weekends also comes time to stop and think a bit.  I've felt mostly so calm about the arrival of this little one, at least in comparison to my last pregnancies, that the realization that an actual real live newborn is going to be here in a matter of weeks has yet to really dawn on me.

Though I guess you can't ever really fully prepare for all that adding a new family member will bring, the ways it will change your life.  I've found it hilarious that acquaintances and complete strangers seem more concerned that I do.  Where's the minivan?  You don't have much time left!  How are you all going to fit in that car?  You're going to have your hands full!  Oh boy! Good Luck!  While I understand that most comments are well meaning and mostly just idle talk, PLEASE never wish an 8 months pregnant woman good luck in a mocking tone, or gasp audibly when a family decides not to jump on the minivan wagon.  It's not all too helpful.

I guess this is all to say that I am feeling a bit apprehensive.  Mostly still just SO excited.  I get these waves of absolute childlike eagerness and delight to meet our baby.  It's such a new experience not knowing if they're a boy or a girl, not placing a name quite yet, just talking to baby and preparing for baby and feeling my heart expand and swell already with all kinds of new love.  But apprehensive?  oh yes.

Because even though it's our third, there's a lot that's still new.  Homebirth, no bedrest, relief and guilt about no bedrest, two big sisters to care for, prepare, worry a bit about, a husband who will get very little time off when the baby comes, keeping my big girls occupied and engaged and feeling loved while caring fully for a baby, finding any time for myself, just to take care of my own ravaged a bit body.  How will it all work?

But that's all part of the adventure I think, the beauty of growing a family.  There is no way to know, no way to REALLY prepare.

So for now? I take these moments, these beautiful weekends, and I relax a bit, prop my feet up, and just let it all flow by.

A Little Bit of This...

Excuse my posting infrequency as of late.  Not only have our days been relatively the same (read:: survive the mornings, monster naps, play inside, eat, repeat), but I've been horrible at taking photos.  

There have been so many moments that I've wanted to capture.  The girls raucously giggling over their latest pretend game (weddings, princesses having babies, and red hiding hood are the current favorites), Louise looking way too old with her hair all up in a bun for school, Ian suddenly looking so adult and scientisty as he heads off to work in sweater vests and ties (he's even stopped and called Dr. quite often by strangers at the VA), Ainsley working so hard on her 100 piece puzzles, writing letters to friends and long grocery lists, practicing her mermaid drawings over and over.  But just getting up from whatever position I'm in, finding the camera, and taking the photo seems monumental most days.  I'm doing my best to keep it close.  I want to capture these last few weeks, just us four.  They're feeling more precious every day.

32 weeks 3 days

It's been a bizarre week so far.  We had the most beautiful steady snowfall on Tuesday, leaving over 8 inches of powdery white in its wake.  Ian took Ainsley out to shovel while Louise and I played, then I took Louise out to let her romp around.  This may be the last hurrah with snow for the season.  I'm glad it was such a memorable one (but am definitely looking forward to the thaw!)

In that spirit, I've found little bits of spring all around.  We can't seem to pass up the $1.49 daffodils at Trader Joe's and this week Louise insisted on a $4 bunch of wildflowers to go with. I couldn't complain.  They brighten the house so much.

In an effort to run as few errands as possible I brushed off my dough hook and made a new bread recipe when we were down to one heel.  You guys?  PLEASE make this.  It's the fastest, easiest, most delicious bread I've made.  Raw ingredients to fully cooked loaves? About 75 minutes.  Good to know that if the sh** really hits the fan when the baby comes, we'll at least have bread, ooh, and yogurt.  I feel better already.

Today for lunch we picnicked indoors, the picture above depicts my two girls so well.  Sweet agreeable Louise, cantankerous as ever Ainsley May.  I can't wait to see those two girls as new big sisters.  It's going to be good.

And me?  Well, I'm growing, that's for sure.  At that stage where any walk longer than a few blocks is pretty uncomfortable.  I'm trying to find a balance between cautious and normal, really listening when my body needs a break, thankful for girls who usually let me have it, still optimistic about making 36.5 weeks (only 4 weeks and 2 days to go!), wishing I could do more, swallowing my pride lots and asking for help, savoring my girls and my family as they are, so excited for the changes to come.

It's supposed to hit 50 this weekend.  I do believe we'll be saying goodbye to most of this snow.  What great timing to roll over into spring, new birth, rebirth, cherishing it all along the way.

I hope you all have had a great week!

Buying

Since getting past the exciting and nerve-racking 30 week mark, I've found I've settled quite nicely into the last weeks of this pregnancy.  When people ask how much longer until the baby comes I usually just respond, sometime in april! or about 6 weeks! if pressed further.  Because really?  There's no way of knowing when this little one will choose to come.

Of course I've been expecting another early baby and preparing accordingly.  Most days I still feel great, sore and huge and tired, but great.  Then occasionally I have a day where I'm reminded this baby could be coming sooner than we think.  Best be ready either way!

While I don't have a hospital bag packed this time nearly everything we need for this baby is here and ready.  I finally let myself look at the homebirth supply list the other day, it feels so possible and so close!

After making the few things I knew I wanted for the baby I've found I've mellowed quite a bit in that department.  I've started preparing a bit for Easter, knowing one thing I want to make for both of the girls (two words, lace. pinafore.).  The others I've had fun purchasing (what a novelty!).

I bought the girls each a cookbook of their very own.  Do you remember this one from when you were a kid?  I was so excited to find a good used one.

And this book written by the author of Moosewood (one of my favorite cookbooks) has tons of really yummy sounding recipes with step by step illustrated instructions.  Ainsley's going to love it!

I've been itching for this book for a while, illustrated by some of my favorite children's artists it packs so many wonderful prayers and meditations among beautiful pictures.  I think it will be a great new bedtime staple.

One thing I had yet to buy for the baby was a baby book.  I made one for Ainsley and then bought one for Louise and decided to make one for this baby too.  I find a lot of the "fill in" types out there have way too much extraneous information and not enough room for just writing memories.  I found barebooks.com a few years back and do one big order a year for blank books and other fun things (board books, puzzles).  This time in addition to the blank book for the baby and a few more to keep up with the girls' antics, I got the girls each their own small journal, and a pack of paperback comic books to make with their dad.  They are SO into comic books these days.  I'm excited!

While I'm hoping the pinafores go over swimmingly, I had not planned on making the girls proper Easter dresses this year and I've been dying to buy them each a smocked dress for a while.  When these popped up on zulily last week I decided to finally do it.  I did let them help pick them out.  When you're paying $30 for dresses those girls better want to wear them!  The yellow is for Louise and the angel sleeved one is Ainsley's  I cannot wait to get them!

And as for the baby?  Well, now that they have all the cardigans, booties, bonnets and sewn layettes they could possibly ever need I've been purchasing the last things needed for them as well.  And yes, I'm using the term "need" quite loosely.

Zulily is really genius.  They charge just enough for shipping that you feel like you really have to make good use of it.  I happened upon a 3 day free shipping spree, hence the rather unnecessary baby purchases above.  To be fair we did need more onesies and I LOVE the kimono ones.  And you can never have too many one pieces and comfy baby pants.

Ok, and one actual NEED in the clothing department was a summer bonnet.  Again, I probably should have made one, way more econimcal (yada yada yada...) but when given the excuse to buy the baby a brand new UB2? well, I couldn't pass this up.

reversible hedgehog urban baby bonnet purchased on etsy...if you haven't checked these bonnets out for your babies/toddlers, oh goodness, please do.  Definitely one of my top 5 baby items.

Ainsley, just like her mama, is very excited to play dress up with our new little one.  When talking about how things will most likely go down for the birth for the umpteenth time yesterday her face lit up and she interjected "and then I get to dress the baby! I need to go pick out an outfit right now!".  So as we speak there is a beautiful Ainsley chosen outfit for the baby, booties and hat and all just sitting on the changing table waiting for our new one to arrive.  I hope this baby tolerates all that dressing up to come well!

In addition to the fun stuff there are of course a few necessities that needed purchasing.

So, I went a bit nuts at IKEA.  Their baby stuff is amazing.  All 100% cotton, cute, and cheap! 

new bumper pad and receiving blankets, picked out by Louise...

and despite plans to make a simple cloud and star mobile of our own the girls were adamant about this balloon one.  I'll admit, it looks pretty cute all hung up there...

 hooded towel for $7? check. Gauzy ginormous burp cloths that I'm pretty sure could double as swaddles for $6? double check.

And then there's the restocking of the essentials.  Bottles, pacifiers, nursing do dads (because there must be a baby stuff snatching gremlin in our house, I could only find one bottle!).  We're just about set!

 

Ok, and one more splurge for the baby and I, a copy of A Child's Book of Verses illustrated by my all time favorite, Gyo Fujikawa.  We've requested this book so many times from the library, it's about time we own our own.  I can't wait to read the beautiful poems to our baby, calming them and snuggling them.

So now we're ready!  Well, in 4 weeks and 2 days we'll REALLY be ready, like doing jumping jacks on the stairs ready.  WOW! We're so so excited around here.

Bits of Note

Number One

This morning we shared breakfast out.  A rare and special family treat.  We took the girls to our favorite mom and pop in town where the nearly toothless waitress "Nancy" remembers us, even though we've only dined there a handful of times.  The waiters all call the girls princesses, they bring us extra bacon for free, and their farmers skillets could easily feed all four of us well (not that that stops us from ordering two).  After we'd had our fill I waddled up to the front with Ainsley to pay.  The happy polish grandma smiled, took my money, looked me up and down and said "how much longer?" "Oh, about 6 weeks" I replied.  "Wonderful.  You're having a boy."  Not a question, not a suggestion  a simple fact stated with such frankness that it caught me off guard, made me smile.

We proceeded to fill the rest of the morning with errands and family library fun where we ran into three of  Ainsley's preschool friends.  Along the way I received countless knowing nods, inquiries of when the baby is due, door holding, gender guessing (ALL boy guesses).

After my recent tirade about how hard and painful pregnancy is (and it still is), it's as if the universe is reminding me in no uncertain terms how lucky I am to be carrying this child.  When I was on bedrest with Louise, my largest regret, other than of course the fear that she would be born premature, was that I didn't get a normal pregnancy.  I didn't get to waddle around town and have doors held for me and complete strangers so completely excited for this little one to be born soon.

Point taken universe.  Thanks for the kick in the pants.  I needed that.

Number Two

While readying for musikgarten this week I took a new tactic with Ainsley.  She's been struggling with drop offs at her favorite extra curricular and rather than talk her ear off or get angry we just set about the work of getting ready and got in the car, without a word about the looming leaving her.  

Two minutes into the drive Ainsley calmly, quietly squeaked from the backseat "Mama, I'm a little bit unsure this.  About you leaving me.  I feel a little bit unsure."  Rather than jump into my usual "it's ok to be nervous but sometimes we need to be brave" speech I took a deep breath and simply replied.  "Ok Ainsley, if it's too much today, mommy and Louise will stay."  My big girl took a sigh of relief and beamed, then marched proudly into her class and participated as if we weren't even there.  

I felt like a good mom that morning and I haven't seen Ainsley so happy at class in a long time.

Number Three

Tonight before bed Ainsley requested a snack.  Ian fetched her an apple which of course Louise wanted too, so he cut a wedge out and Ainsley lost it.  I snatched the apple playfully and took two small bites out above the wedge, transforming the apple into a crude smiling face.  Ainsley loved it.  

She nibbled a bit making the mouth bigger, pretend talking for the apple and dancing around the room.  Then?  Suddenly... "Mama, I'm sad to eat my apple.  He doesn't want to be eaten." This went on and on.  Oh the feeling inanimate objects have taken on around this house.  So Ian decided to take a HUGE bite out of the apple to show her it wouldn't hurt it.  Backfire.  Cue tremendous enormous breakdown.  She heaved and sobbed on my shoulder while I turned my head far away to hide my own laughter induced tears.  Then Louise toddles over, rubs Ainsley's back and begins to sing

It's Ok to eat your apple!

You can bite the apple's eyes!

It's Ok to eat your apple!

Yummy yummy yummy!

(all the while flitting and jumping and twirling wildly about the room)

Once I'd regained composure I bit two more tiny eyes for the apple person and Ainsley was happy again.

No more pre bedtime apples in this house.

One can only imagine what tomorrow will bring.

Baby Pool

Ok, so if you haven't seen it on facebook here's the very simple baby pool I set up.  Humor an excited/exhausted pregnant lady and take a guess!  Please? :o)

http://www.expectnet.com/games/BabyVNumberThree

And if you want some info...

Ainsley was born 9 days early and weighed 6 lbs 13 oz

Louise was born 3 weeks early and weighed 7 lbs 11 oz

Cravings have included fruit juice and smoothies, spicy food, sugary candy (skittles!), coffee (sadly no more :o(, and lunch meat (think big man sized sandwiches), ooh, and occasionally a really big delicious green salad.

I've gained about 27 pounds so far (normal for me) and felt I showed a bit later and am carrying the baby pretty low.

No swelling or puffiness (yet! I hope it stays that way!)

Baby's heart rate has been consistently low, 140s, peaking in the 150s if poked.

Any other inquiries let me know.  I'm excited to see what everyone thinks we're having!

Funk-O-Meter

Two days ago Ian came home in a funk.  A seminar that he'd hoped would inspire and enlighten served more to dismay and stamp on dreams.  Isn't that always the way?  In a rare switch of roles I was the chipper one.  Rubbing his shoulders.  Distracting his worried eyes at the dinner table with a goofy grin and a few "go give daddy extra snuggles" secret missions.  Of course my boy bounced back the next day.  He's not usually one to stay down long, but then somehow the funk breezed over my way and it's holding strong.

To be honest these past few weeks have been that way.  I've had far too many "ah, now I remember why I HATE the third trimester" moments.  Moments of near panic there's so much to do!  there's a baby coming! it's really happening, SOON! Moments of complete pessimism and despair what were we thinking?  I can't successfully parent three kids, I can barely handle the two I have right now! how will we pay for family trips let alone college?!?!? But mostly moments of complete bodily frustration and disgust.  Don't even get me started on getting dressed in the morning, YUCK.

then just as quickly as swiftly as the mood grips me, it lightens it's hold.  Allows me into a normal person's brain for long enough to realize how cray-cray I sound.  Because really, there's not THAT much to do.  Thank goodness for hand me down onesies, cloth diapers and boobs.  REALLY that's all a little newborn needs for a while right?  And as for parenting and finances?  If we can make it through 5+ years on a grad student stipend I truly believe we can make it through anything.  And my body?  I know it much better this time.  know that it bounces back (with a bit of nudging and discipline of course).  I'm thankful that once again there seem to be no signs of stretch marks or lasting scars (other than that tiny tummy I know will most likely always be where my pride and joy washboard once stood).  It's all good really.

That's not to say it's not hard.Because it is.  So so hard.  This is the part that somehow gets blissfully filed away under "momnesia" after a few weeks postpartum   Because I'm convinced that if moms did remember ever detail there would be a WHOLE lot more only children around.

Everything hurts.  I can barely move.  I'm hungry all the time but a few bites of food is all I can manage before I feel uncomfortably, gas inductively  full.  I walk like an emperor penguin (and not in that cool slide on the belly way).  I feel like a walking joke, a comical side kick.  The Impossibly Pregnant Lady!  Really, circus music could cue as I waddle down the stairs in the morning and I wouldn't bat an eye.  It's hard to feel like an alternate version of yourself.  A human incubator.  A whiny, immobile, half self. Sigh.

So right now it feels good to wallow.  Good to remember that tomorrow I'll most likely feel better and that no matter how these next 5 weeks go down, soon after? it'll be worth it a million times over.

Just keep swimming right? Or waddling in my case.  Just. Keep. Waddling.