Resolutions, revisited

I kind of erroneously titled that last post "resolutions".  I had every intention of delving into my big 2012 to dos and to don'ts and then in typical Becky fashion got totally side tracked and long winded and merely glazed the surface.  So here I am on a quiet Sunday morning, pondering it all again.

It's kind of been a weird start to the year with me.  Instead of being a brand spankin' new parent, newly pregnant, or adjusting to life as a family of 4 (like the last three new years) here I sit, comfy and status quo wondering, what now?

Well really, lots is changing this year.  Ainsley starts preschool this fall.  Four day a week full morning preschool.  We head to open houses starting this next week and while I'm quite excited for this next step for her, and us, I am also really really sad.  

I have gotten used to it being the three of us, filling our mornings with errands and play and activities.  I like being her teacher and her mama all at once, letting us have a down morning when we need one, catering our days to my girls' needs and moods.  It's all about this letting go right?  Letting her get big and grown up and smart and independent.  But really?  I just kind of want to tuck her lanky body on my hip, nuzzle her baby soft cheek and keep her there forever. It's really really hard to even fathom right now.

And then there's YaWeez!  With the realization that she and Ainsley will be back to back in school she'll be starting (or could start) playschool this fall.  Miss Sheila is over the moon excited for her to join the 2 year old brood.  My little social gal will love it and I simply won't know what to do with myself for 1.5 hours twice a week with NO dumplings underfoot.  Craziness.

So I'm kind of in this new mindset of what next?  With Ian starting a new job late this summer and the girls in for their own new stuff, where does that leave me?  I look back at my ambitions in college, and post graduation, trying to re-grasp that motivation and zeal I had.  But i'm coming up short.  

My work now is my home and my family.  When I have a spare moment I'm planning new sewing projects and little DIY home renovations.  Scheming spring vegetable gardens and homemade gift possibilities.  Scouring cookbooks and blogs for new recipes, cleaning and organizing our home (which we all know is a never ending job with growing children).  I truthfully don't know how I could do all that AND work outside of the home.  

Actually I know I couldn't.  Something would have to give.  And I'm just not ready to give any of that up yet.  For while the girls are ever growing and learning and entering new stages of their lives, I am too.  An almost seasoned mama now, in my own groove of making and concocting and thriving.  I'm thankful to have so much on my plate right now.  Life is rich and full and never dull.  And when the time comes that it's not so much?  I have lots to fall back on, and I'll cross that bridge when I see the river.

So resolutions huh?  How about keep on keepin' on?  Do what you love and do it well and as best you can.  For I know I chose this life and I love this life and really?  there's enough change and resolution without me even trying.  Thank you glorious wonderful life.