Life Choices

Broad topic I know, but I'm sitting, well laying, here with nothing but time to think. Perhaps it's because today is Ian's and my third anniversary, or at any moment we will welcome our second child into the world, or most likely because I've spent way too much time on facebook and reading blogs, comparing my life to those of my peers, but its got me thinking.

My life could be in so many different places. I could have chosen to pursue a career instead of a family. I could be anywhere in the country, or the world, working hard, staying out late with friends, drinking my fair share of good wine and dark beer (oh how I miss you). I could be surrounded with my friends on a daily basis, social and exhausted for very different reasons than chasing around a 19 month old and growing another one (baby, not 19 month old....even a peanut like Ainsley would be hell to give birth to). While I am completely happy in the life that I have chosen I can't help but think what my "other life" would be like.

I miss my friends. Yesterday my mom bumped a framed picture collage I'd made while trying to navigate our twisty 85 year old staircase and baby gate and it fell to the ground and broke. I looked at it closely for the first time in a long while as it was propped on the buffet, astounded by how much my life has changed since those college years a mere 3 years ago. I feel blessed to have made many good friends in college, the kind of friends that last a lifetime. I just never realized how soon I would test those bonds by being so absent and unavailable, aka becoming a parent.

The schedule/life of a parent is completely different from that of an independent 20 something student or member of the workforce. The times when I'm available to chat are before 8am or after 8 when I never want to talk because I am bone tired and it is my only alone time with Ian. Naptime is too sacred to spent any other way than working out or napping, or eating, PERIOD. So sorry I never call, friends. Perhaps with baby #2 I'll figure something out.

I was reading a blog the other day of a girl I don't know personally, but have followed for a while, expecting her first baby in a matter of weeks. In her latest post she wrote a letter to herself in 6 months, essentially reminding herself of who she is now and prompting her soon to be mom-self to stay true to this person. I had a strong, negative, reaction to her post. People who become parents expecting nothing to change DRIVE ME NUTS. It's one thing to be naive, and another to be in blatant denial. I don't think anyone can anticipate how being a parent not only changes your day to day life but who you are, but I am here to tell you it will change you in every possible way.

Take me for example. I had been surrounded by babies and kids my whole life, self proclaimed champ babysitter/nanny, taught 7 years of summer preschool, worked as an aide for kindergarteners for a year and a half and I felt COMPLETELY unprepared for the changes when Ainsley was born.

It is hard, and not just the changing, breastfeeding, crying, soothing, exhaustion of the first few months. The changes to your life and who you are or were, are the hardest.

I remember going to a 3 day Upward Bound retreat as a transfer student counselor with a group of incoming transfer students the summer before my junior year. After days of testing both my physical and mental limits to the max I was amazing by the evaluation I was given by the UB leaders. Apparently I was a born leader, calm in trying situations, intuitive and a good problem solver. Umm, hello, have you met me in the past year and a half? I have never felt LESS of any of these things in my life. While it is helpful to look back and remember who I used to be and what I used to be capable of, my bar is set at a whole new level.

Instead of spending hours reading for fun, knitting, going for long runs when I have the urge and meeting friends for coffee, I long for a quick cat nap, an hour to myself at night before crashing, and the motivation to get through at least 2 10 minute yoga exercises. In short, life has changed.

I too have changed. While it took some getting used to, I can hardly remember what my life used to be like before Ainsley. I don't know how I entertained myself or stayed busy during the day.

I know I'm jumping all over the place here (forgive me, the lack of oxygen to my brain from lying down and advanced state of "mom brain" are apparent) but my point is simple. I chose this life and while it has been an adjustment and I suppose there's a part of me that will always be a little jealous of my friends getting to go out (or do anything) on a whim, I love my life. Nothing could be more fulfilling to me than seeing Ainsley learn and grow (she now "fake" laughs when we're laughing and is really getting into being a little prankster...such a comedian) and sharing each day with the man I love. Just a few thoughts.