Back to "Normal"

Ian's dad left this morning.  After 9 days of helping and playing and scouring our house from top to bottom he hit the road.  I almost feel bad this baby didn't come while he was here, what a reward for hard work that would have been.

The girls especially were sad to see him go.  It's times like these that I have the most guilt about living so far from family.  Ian and I are adults, we can take it, but those girls, they miss them, they don't understand time in days and weeks, don't get that in a few short ones we'll have oodles of visitors to play with them and meet their new sibling and shortly after that?  A summer full of trips up north for cabin fun.

But for now?  Relative normal.  

Ainsley came down with a bug on Easter which we thought was induced from too much candy consumption but now that it's lingered a full two days I'm thinking it's a legitimate bug.  My girl is so bummed to miss out on school.  I'm hoping she's well enough tomorrow to go!  

And our Louise, oh goodness, still as sweet and sassy as ever.  This past weekend I laid down for a nap with her and reached to grab her hand  as usual, then she looked at me with those big blue grey eyes and stroked my cheek with her tiny chub hand "I don't want to go to sleep yet mama, I just want to stare at your face".  She melts my heart daily.  

Ian's back at work, functioning at about 90%.  I'm so thankful he's rallied so quickly.  I really missed my boy.  And me?  Well, I have a whole separate post about that, but in short, I'm good, huge and incredibly uncomfortable, but good.  This baby and I have hung on 36 full weeks so really I can't complain.  I'm sure I still will a bit though because dang it's rough sometimes.

So all in all we're good.  Still moving slower and doing less but good.  So excited and ready for our baby to come soon, so eager for our lives after that!

Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Having a Baby or 36 Weeks!!!

When I was pregnant with Ainsley it was mostly glorious.  We were over the moon to start our family, spent whole evenings talking about names, paint choices for the nursery, baby must haves we needed to aquire, so so excited ALL the time.  Family and friends were pretty stoked too.  The first grandchild on both sides, the first baby among our like aged couples.  Lots of excitement there too.

There was also lots of "enjoy all this attention while you can, because once that baby comes, oh boy, it will never be about you again."

They were right.

Because once you have a baby?  Well, then you're a mom.  A role that can never be shelved or departed from for even the briefest of moments.  Oh boy were they right.

If I had my way right now I'd be laying around all the time sipping on sparkling lemon seltzer and alternating handfuls of jellybeans and forkfulls of greek farro salad. I'd attend to every discomfort, get up only when I felt like it.  Take two, maybe three baths a day, definitely at least one good nap, and my only errands would be for fun, just to get out and soak in the knowing glances and kind words of strangers wishing me well.  Ahh, that'd be nice, but of course, not at all reality.

Right now reality is all about my sick little Ainsley (two full days down with a stomach bug), my recovering boy (back at work full time, thank goodness, but still not quite himself), entertaining my hilarious, sweet as can be toddler, and keeping up this house that my father in law left in immaculate shape (with Ian's help of course), oh yeah, and feeding us somehow.

Even on the best of days, it's a big load.

Asking for help last week helped me let go of a lot of it, pare down and back even more.  Today we somehow made it to Costco to restock on some essentials.  Bulk groceries are key during this time I've found.  We have cheese and eggs and coffee and yogurt that should last for weeks.  Here's hoping because I don't see myself doing that errand again any time soon.

Then just as I feel myself getting overwhelmed and over tired I stop myself and am reminded of what a gift this pregnancy has been.  How lucky I am to be able to be waddling around Costco with my girls rather than laid up on the couch worried about a premature baby.

still apparently too lazy to wipe down the mirror before I take a belly photo though...

Because friends?  I'm 36 weeks along.  Full into the 9th month of this pregnancy.  My next appointment is Thursday.  I get to take home the birth tub that day, and then?  I'm home free.  From that point on whenever this baby decides to come, they'll be coming at home.

Right now it feels too good to be true (and really it is for a few more days still, I know not to jump the gun).  I know enough to know we can only plan so much, that this baby and my body will dictate the rest.  So you know what? I'm not over planning.  I know where the tub will go should we choose to fill it, know the plan for the girls when the time comes, have prepared them as much as I can for how I think things will go down.  I have my hospital bag packed and a sweet little first outfit for the baby.  Tons of towels and blankets and other essentials all waiting and ready in the room.  Other than that?  We wait, we live life.  We marvel at every belly gyration and giant kick, knowing that once this baby comes, there will be no more of that in mommy's tummy.  We guess who this baby is then practically side with Louise's sentiment of "we don't know yet!  We have to wait and see".

So right now I'm feeling it all, anxious and ready, sore and done done DONE as all get out, but over flowing with thankfulness too.  Just a few more days little one, then you're welcome to join us whenever you wish.  We're ready, we're patient (for now), we simply can't wait!

Keeping On

I am simply floored by all of the support and love we've been receiving over the past few days.  Thank you thank you, so so much.

After Ian's second trip to the ER the doctor confirmed his diagnosis from before and sent him home with some new medication.  He's definitely been better than he was on Monday, but still unable to be up and about much at all and eating is still a feat.  The trick now is finding the right combination of meds to keep him comfortable and side effect free until his body can get rid of this infection.

I broke down for a bit again last night.  Even with all of Dan's help the girls are an extra handful and I am just so tired.  I felt good yesterday morning and took them out to get a few things, three errands later my body was shot and I paid for it all night long with lots of pain and contractions.  I crawled into bed right after I got the girls down and just broke down.  Ian, even in his sad state, was reassuring  "we'll make it" he kept saying.   And we will surely, I just hope it's well, and soon.

Today things are looking the brightest they have since this all started last Friday.  Ian was up with the girls, in some pain, but more manageable than it has been.  We enjoyed family coffee while grandpa Dan slept, I got to get my hair cut, Ian insisting I keep the appointment I'd already rescheduled once.  When I returned Dan and I left Ian with a quiet house to take the girls to the library where we found some fun movies to snuggle up to in the next days and lots of new books.  Dan treated us all to Culvers for lunch and Ian was able to eat nearly his whole burger, the first real substantial food he's eaten in about 5 days.  Now everyone is napping and I'm tidying a bit, readying for the midwife's homevisit this evening.  I think it will be good for us to focus for a bit of this new baby, and not in the scary they may be born early and I'll be on my own way, but the we're so close to getting a homebirth and so excited to meet them way.

And as always there has been some good that has come out of all of this trauma.  I am loving this time to get to know my father in law all over again so well.  He's so wonderful with the girls, so helpful around the house.  We were joking last night that he's seeing a whole new side of me.  Not the type A all put together homecookin housecleaning rearing to go Becky, but the half sticks of butter all over the counter because I'm too lazy to put them away, sitting all the time, sure lets eat leftovers again, messy floors and I don't care Becky.  It's been good for me.  Letting go a bit and laughing at yourself almost always is.

And those girls are loving their grandpa Dan time.  He ran them ragged at the park, played with them all afternoon so I could rest yesterday when I wasn't feeling so hot, read them books before bed, in his silly always teaching something grandpa Dan way.  He's always up for fun with them, been scouring our house spring cleaning style, cooking, running errands.  You're amazing Dan!

And just now?  Ian came down from naps early, unable to sleep (meaning perhaps he finally doesn't need to sleep all afternoon?!?!) and is sipping on coffee, watching some baseball.  It ALMOST feels like a normal weekend afternoon, except it's not.  I so hope he keeps feeling better, and have faith he will soon.

And I'll leave you with a little photo evidence of our survival...

one of many loving on grandpa Dan moments of late...

 if that isn't one big strong baby in there, I don't know what is...

(35.2 weeks)

smiles are always good signs

Thank you again for all of the love and support.  We've felt every ounce and it means so much.

Humble Pie

i'm sitting here staring off into space, HGTV on in the background, the girls downstairs with auntie sonya watching the little princess, and I'm pulling the front section of my hair through my fingers over and over.  I've done this since I was little.  It's my stress reliever, my calm down mechanism.  I may be bald soon from all this finger combing, but it's working, so I go with it.

Things are very heavy right now over here.  Part of me is hesitant to use this space right now for this purpose but writing is another stress reliever for me and knowing that all of you are reading this helps a bit.  Right now any little bit helps.

Ian is sick.  He was sent to the ER from urgent care on Saturday for suspected appendicitis.  It's not that, but it's bad.  Some viral infection in his stomach gone bad, resulting in lots and lots of pain.  My boy can't eat, he can hardly sit up.  The meds aren't working.  It's not getting better.  Tonight he's back at the ER with his dad who drove into town last night on a moments notice to help us.  I don't know how we'd have gotten through the past 24 hours without him.  He's fired up and ready to get some answers.  I am so thankful for him right now.

On top of it all, I thought I was going into labor on Sunday.  Surely induced from the stress and worry contractions were coming every 4-6 minutes all morning long.  They hurt, I was terrified.  Having Ian so sick is bad enough, having Ian so sick that he wouldn't have been able to be with me on an emergency trip to the maternity ward while I gave birth to a premature baby was terrifying.

So I guess I'm writing to ask for prayers for my boy, for him to get relief soon.  Prayers for the doctors so that they can help him and fix him and figure it out.  Prayers for my father in law who has taken on a whole lot coming here.  Prayers for this 35 week baby in my belly, that they stay in there at least 11 more days.

I'm also writing with a big side of humility tonight.  It took a lot for me to ask for help, admit that we were in over our heads, that our little family couldn't do it on our own.  And you know what?  We got help.  In the form of an enthusiastic rearing to go father in law, an amazingly supportive sister in law and every distant family member  friend, and close neighbor.  I know that no matter what these next days bring we're covered.  My girls will be taken care of, my boy will be advocated for, this baby will be healthy and strong.

Life sometimes has a very clear and abrupt way of reminding us that we aren't in control, that we are just tiny pieces in a much larger puzzle.  Tonight I reach out to those who are lifting us up and keeping us strong.  Tonight I am humbled, and thankful, and still a bit scared.

Thank you for listening.  Sometimes that's as good as anything.

P.S. How I wish I were a kid again right now.  All my girls know is excitement that their beloved Grandpa Dan is in town, that they get to play so much with Auntie Sonya, and joy that daddy is around all day, on a Monday!  My girls are my rocks right now, pulling me forward, reminding me of what matters and that in the end it's all going to be ok.

34 Weeks

I have so much to say about reaching the 34 week mark, that I really find myself at a loss for words.  I know I know, I've felt a bit dramatic about hitting all these gestational milestones.  I just can't help it.

34 weeks!!!

Because you see, THIS was the point when things got concerning when I was pregnant with Ainsley and THIS was the point when I finally felt I could take my first breath after four weeks of bedrest pregnant with Louise. Yet here I am feeling as good as one can at this stage, just plugging right along.

Hitting this milestone means that the baby is a good size.  Even if the baby were born today they would most likely be just fine, a bit small and needing a bit of O2  perhaps, but in the long run?  just fine.

my new afternoon wardrobe, yoga pants, maternity t-shirt and Ian's hoodie, dressed to impress

Still rather than jump up and down and celebrate I'm still in slow down mode.  Half because being up and about for any longer than about half hour makes my back feel like it's breaking in two and half because I'm still careful not to overdo it.

Ainsley came with me to my appointment last week and all was well.  The baby is still head down, moving and squirming around all the time.  Just one more appointment until I'm full term.  I can't wait!

I'm thankful for all that the next few weeks hold, to help time move right along (right? please?).

This week is our home visit with the midwives.  They'll walk around and help us better plan for the big day.  I've allowed myself to start preparing, and now joining my just in case packed hospital satchel is a much larger homebirth, yay! bag filled with odds and ends and necessities.

Next week is the girls' spring break.  I'm trying to focus on the positives   A whole week to be with just my girls, playing and crafting like our old selves, preparing for Easter and baby fun, soaking up our little daily threesome before I really become outnumbered!!! But of course in the back of my mind I'm apprehensive about filling a whole week well without being able to get out and DO all too much.  Thank goodness for Easter activities and this late winter weather.  Really, it takes away so much guilt about us not being at the park all afternoon.  Soon, soon!

And then, just one week more.  These weeks are still flying by.  We've gotten into such a good weekday routine.  For all the worry I had this fall about filling our mornings too full with school and activities I am now SO thankful for a routine and schedule.  It's been such a blessing these past weeks and months.

And our little calm family weekends get more precious every week.  My fleeting quiet alone time while Ian takes the girls out and about in the morning is so very special to me.  While I am of course beyond delighted to nurse and care for our baby I am well aware of all that takes out of me, how much work it can feel like sometimes.  I'm soaking up every ounce of alone time I can.  And then our afternoons are just us, all together.  Making art, playing games, dancing around the living room, cooking and eating, reading and snuggling.  It's what this growing family is all about to me.  I'm loving it.

family paint session making onesies for the baby

So today I say an extra prayer of thanks, for this body of mine that is holding up well, for this growing bigger every minute baby that we all can't wait to meet, for two little girls so sweet and helpful and eager, and for my boy who goes above and beyond every day to give me the rest I need to make it through.  Pregnancy really is a team effort around here these days.

Three more weeks!

made it 34 weeks in my pre pregnancy jeans (with bella band of course)...it felt quite good to get into some yoga pants after a morning out in those

Where Were We?

Pardon me, but I've officially entered the vortex of we're having a baby soon! and it's kind of consumed me whole.

I feel like a bad mom about 80% of the time, I lie around at least 50% of the time, and even with a fully stocked fridge we've gotten take out twice this week.  Yeah, that sounds about right.

 but I also got some pretty great new rainboots, so I think things are evening out...

I'd rather mistakenly hoped that getting past 30 weeks would feel so monumental, so reassuring that life would go on as normal   I was wrong.  Turns out, worry of going into labor early aside, I'm still huge and pregnant, and that makes most thing hard.

a typical afternoon around here of late

And speaking of normal, I'm not sure I know what that is.  I've never had a "normal" end to my pregnancies.  For me it's normal to have a billion braxton hicks all day, then take a bath at night go to bed early and whalla! total calm.  It's normal to not be able to move much at all past about 5pm.  It's normal to be in so much pain when getting up from a lying down position that I groan and grimace and whine like a tiny baby.  The issue I'm having now is how much to let myself power through.  Weighing what I really need to do, versus what's just extra and unnecessary.  It's tricky.

Take yesterday for instance.  Two doctors appointments and playschool drops offs for Louise, topped off with Ainsley's first drop off playdate...oh man, that was a big morning.  Almost more emotionally than physically (which I think wears me out more).

I was a bit keyed up for my midwife appointment.  My blood pressure was JUST this side of high last time and I was paranoid that it would continue to go up.  It was the same, ONE point higher than they'd like, so the nurse asked me to sink back into the comfy couch, take 5 big breathes, laid my arm up on a pillow, and close my eyes.  10 points lower.  Well within normal.  Oh man, I'm such a nut.

Then Ainsley and I walked over to the bread shop to get a pastry for her and a coffee for me as a reward for my normal blood pressure.  Let me tell you, there's not much that gets that girl more excited than a whole pecan roll all to herself.

Then we picked up Louise from school where Ainsley insisted on being the first in line. She safety (super slowly) walked up to Louise where they beamed and hugged for at least a whole minute.  Then walked around holding hands.  Even the other moms cooed at how cute they were.  It was adorable.

I'm pretty sure they're in love

(above:: sharing in the joy of new Costco jammies, 

below:: watching in awe as the windshield of our car was replaced)

When we headed on over to Ainsley's (very belated) 4 year well visit.  She was a bit nervous, not at all trusting me when I told her that she wasn't getting any shots this time.  But then she rallied and I just got to sit back while my big girl answered all the drs questions.  She told him her favorite food was carrots.  She spelled her name for him.  She told him willingly that she doesn't like milk, but has to drink a glass with lunch and dinner.  She told him all about school and her friends and how she's loving learning to read and write.  My peanut girl weighed in at 32 lbs (15th percentile for her age) and is average height (I can't for the life of me remember the inches off the top of my head).  She sure is built like her dad.  When it was time to leave she beamed.  I love the dr.  He's the nicest man in the world.  Success!

Then it was time to head over to her friend's house for an afternoon playdate.  I was dropping her off and i'll admit I was worried.  Ainsley's had a tough time leaving me, pretty much her whole life, and I REALLY wasn't in the mindspace to deal with a scene.  I need not have worried.  She bounded out of the car and hopped up the stairs to my best friend ever Olivia's house!  I saw her again three hours later when the nanny walked them the half mile back to our house.  Needless to say she slept well last night, and had SUCH a good time.

Louise napped so well in the quiet house and I enjoyed a midday bath and finished devouring the first book in the #1 Ladies Detective Agency.  It's been sitting on my shelf for years.  I don't know why I hadn't read it.  So entertaining.

Then Ainsley came home, Louise woke up, and we commenced our usual lay around afternoon.  The sun was beaming outside and it was one of those days when it was hard for me to listen to my tired body and stay put.  I so want to play with my girls like normal, be the mom they know me to be.  Thankfully they are just as happy to play with each other inside, or watch Kiki's Delivery Service for the zillionth time.

very happy girls

My mantra of late has been 3 More Weeks! 3 More Weeks! Because then at least the worry of going into labor early will be gone, and while I still won't be fully "me", I can at least power through a bit more.

So there you are.  We are here! All safe and snug in our little we're having a baby soon! cocoon.  Truthfully, it's an ok place to be.  Well, at least for the next three weeks. Then, soon! we'll be in the we have a new baby! bermuda triangle.  I'm pretty excited about that one.

Weekending

Weekends have taken on a whole new meaning for me in the last few weeks.  While they used to be a time to get things done! be productive! prepare and plan for the week!  they are now truly a time of rest.   A lot of much needed rest.

Funny then that I'm here again, up way before the sun. Thankful for the first time in my life for this shortened day, meaning I can shave one hour off of my (ahem, this baby's) far too early start to the day.

But really the weekends aren't about sleep so much as about a slow pace, a resting pace.  These are the two days a week that I really get to dial it back, listen entirely to this stressed out body of mine and focus on this baby.

This weekend I've been enjoying preparing a little bit more.  The tiny packages of baby goodies* and spring funs for the girls are arriving in steady streams.  Knitting has finally taken a backseat to some exciting sewing projects.  The rain outside is wiping away the last of the snow, assuring us all that spring is indeed right around the corner, and with it? a whole new rhythm for our family.
*you know you're really a parent when you spend the last of your amazon birthday money on nipple butter and mama's milk tea

With the weekends also comes time to stop and think a bit.  I've felt mostly so calm about the arrival of this little one, at least in comparison to my last pregnancies, that the realization that an actual real live newborn is going to be here in a matter of weeks has yet to really dawn on me.

Though I guess you can't ever really fully prepare for all that adding a new family member will bring, the ways it will change your life.  I've found it hilarious that acquaintances and complete strangers seem more concerned that I do.  Where's the minivan?  You don't have much time left!  How are you all going to fit in that car?  You're going to have your hands full!  Oh boy! Good Luck!  While I understand that most comments are well meaning and mostly just idle talk, PLEASE never wish an 8 months pregnant woman good luck in a mocking tone, or gasp audibly when a family decides not to jump on the minivan wagon.  It's not all too helpful.

I guess this is all to say that I am feeling a bit apprehensive.  Mostly still just SO excited.  I get these waves of absolute childlike eagerness and delight to meet our baby.  It's such a new experience not knowing if they're a boy or a girl, not placing a name quite yet, just talking to baby and preparing for baby and feeling my heart expand and swell already with all kinds of new love.  But apprehensive?  oh yes.

Because even though it's our third, there's a lot that's still new.  Homebirth, no bedrest, relief and guilt about no bedrest, two big sisters to care for, prepare, worry a bit about, a husband who will get very little time off when the baby comes, keeping my big girls occupied and engaged and feeling loved while caring fully for a baby, finding any time for myself, just to take care of my own ravaged a bit body.  How will it all work?

But that's all part of the adventure I think, the beauty of growing a family.  There is no way to know, no way to REALLY prepare.

So for now? I take these moments, these beautiful weekends, and I relax a bit, prop my feet up, and just let it all flow by.