Felix the boy

Six years ago I wasn't a parent at all.  I had just found out that I was pregnant with Ainsley.  I was working as an aide in a kindergarten class at an amazing progressive child centered elementary school.  I was abuzz with anticipation and joy.  How was I possibly going to be able to wait 8 more months to meet my first little baby?

Six years later, my third baby is turning one.

It's easy to get caught up in milestones with little ones running around all day.  First smile! First tooth!  First real crawl! First words!  FIRST STEPS!!!!  I've done a terrible job keeping track of these big firsts with our third baby.  Poor Felix's baby book is nearly empty.  There just has not been time, or more truthfully, it's not been a priority for me anymore.

My little people are changing so fast, to spend too much time agonizing over it, documenting it, only means I'm missing out more.  So with this little guy, my third tiny baby, I've been soaking it all in.

Felix boy, I will never ever forget the day that you were born.  Your birth was a dream come true for me, your whole pregnancy, really.  When I found out I was pregnant for the third time I secretly hoped for a boy.  I planned for your arrival meticulously, made you oodles of things, dreamt and prayed and imagined who you would be.  Then you came.  So easily into this world, into my arms.  You were born.  "It's a boy!" Your dad declared.  "It's Felix!" I replied.  We cried.  I just stared at you in awe.  I'm still in awe that you are here.  My little boy.

The past year has simply flown.  You have been such a wonderful little baby.  You tolerate your sister's adoration of you quite well, and all the toting around you must endure.  You are growing up so much, especially these last few months.  You want to be a part of whatever we're doing, you scream loudly to pipe in, you sing, you dance, you move so very fast, you stand up with no hands and have taken just a few tentative steps.  You are finally sleeping all the way through the night, have given up your pacifier entirely, still love a good bottle but are happy with milk in a cup now too.  You have been all done nursing for about two months.  I was very sad about it at first, but it's fitting that my big guy is ready to be done.  You can be quite stoic and remind me SO much of your dad in temperament and personality.  I can still get a good belly laugh out of you with a good under the chin tickle or a rousing round of chase on all fours.  You are still so snuggly and are happy on my left hip or nestled right under my chin.  When we're playing on the floor you often come find me, just to flop down on my tummy.  I love that I'm still your home base, you need me around.  I need you too my little guy.

Today on your first birthday I remember your birth.  I remember those first awe soaked days of snuggles and spring breezes and sweet newborn you.  I remember you growing and learning and seamlessly fitting into our cooky family.  I remember how much you are loved, by all of us, how your sisters have shown not one bit of malice towards you since the day you arrived.  You were made for us little guy.  Today I remember how lucky were are to have you and how excited we are to see you grow.

Happy first birthday little Buboo!  We couldn't love you more.

Bit and Pieces

I've been trying to get a post up for days, ironically, about not have enough time to complete the things I need to get done.  So this morning  after groceries and bill paying I made this a priority, it's still not where I want it, but it has words and pictures.  I guess it will have to do.

What I'd really like, right now, is time.
A few whole days to myself to get it all done.
A morning to get a run in, in the  kind of timely fashion that I used to take for granted. Get to take advantage of those endorphins for once.
Time to scour the house.  Clean all the windows and floors and bathrooms and ceiling fans in one big go.  Time to declutter, especially toys and books without kiddos getting in the way begging for me to keep it all because it's suddenly all so precious and importnant.
Time to take a nap to rejuvenate for an afternoon filled with finishing all the crafts I have lined up for Felix's birthday and easter.  Two buttons downs, linen overalls, two tiered skirts, two gold thread sewn mermaids, two hand embroidered felt balls, one tiny stuffed dog, one giant pocketed stuffed rocket ship.
I know I could do it all given one big energy filled day.
Sigh.

I CRAVE big chunks of time to really get things done, start to finish, just for once.
Double sigh.

I keep stumbling upon these epiphanies of parenting and how hard it is, how much it's changed my life.  Right now it's overwhelmingly THIS.  Having so terribly much to do and so little time to do it in.

My time right now is completely spoken for just caring for my little people.  It is hilariously hard most days, just to clothe and feed, keep them safe and happy.  Felix is speed crawling, opening every cupboard and toilet seat, flying up stairs, cruising along furniture.  So now I drag our two gates up and down our two flights of stairs all day long.  I have to lift the girls over them at the tops and bottoms.  I have to help them get into the bathrooms because the doors now have to always be closed to keep Felix out and our old doors close so tight even Ainsley can't muscle them open most times.
Last night during bath time, I had a moment thinking I truly would just pass out on the floor.  My body was so incredibly exhausted from our day of doctors appointments, grocery shopping, turning soil and raking and cutting back weeds, making dinner, cleaning up.  It's so so much.  Goodness gracious.

Ah, but then there's all that, a wonderful week with my kids, warm sun and breezes, picnics and bike rides, garden planting and chores done.  This last weekend was perfection, so much fun with friends, a trim painting date for Ian and I, Easter egg hunt for the kids, Sunday night roast and mashed potatoes and red wine.

I still feel overwhelmed, perhaps that's just my new MO.  I'm trusting and hopeful that it will all get done, that someone I'll figure out how to make it all work, or at least get used to this segmented life.

Someday I'll have all the time in the world to myself.  Right now it's nice to be so needed, so very busy.  Life is good and hard and full.  I'm thankful for that.

Happy Monday!

Old Self

Ian took the girls downtown this morning.  It's the first trip since last fall.  Finally warm enough to brave the lake Michigan winds and meandering streets with two little girls.  They were so excited that they made their own breakfast and got dressed in a hurry.  I got a reluctant Felix down for a nap and here I sit in a very quiet house.  Ah.

Last week was really really good.  We were all bummed to leave Florida, that, coupled with the biting wind when we stepped off the plane spelled re-entry trouble for me.  But it's been great.  The girls were so excited to get back to school, see their friends and teachers.  We bought tiny farmers market soaps to give as teacher gifts and they were delighted.  The girls worked hard decorating brown bags for them to give them in.  Louise's teachers were so excited to see her writing.  I find present making is a great way to motivate the unmotivated in the writing department.

another great way is to make books (cardboard covered with a bit of batting and fabric, then felt on the inside cover, hole punched paper for pages attached with ribbon) The girls worked on these all yesterday morning.  Project found in this book, one of Ainsley's favorites from the library.

The best part for me is that I'm feeling like my old self.  It's been a long long time since I could say that.  This winter was so incredibly rough.  I am so glad to see the grass and sun and buds poking through soft ground and birds flitting and chirping.  It's glorious.

new booties for Felix

dress up dress down Margot doll for our niece's birthday (you flip her skirt to change her), once my fingers recover from all the hand sewing this doll required I want to make a million more

knitted dress for Louise!
I found the pattern with my mom at a knitting store and it was meant for a 6 month old baby...happy I figured out how to make my aran weight yarn work for a big girl dress

I have been dreading Felix's first birthday since the day he was born.  We plan for him to be our last baby and it's so terribly bitter sweet to see him grown.  But then? he was a bit tricky.  Not sleeping well at all, ever, fussier than I'd like at times, just all around a bit difficult if I'm being honest.  But now he's growing.  He is so dang cute and fun to play with.  We can communicate in bits which helps us both with frustrations.  He's sleeping so much better, and in general a happy little guy.  I'm excited for my little guy to be toddling around, to learn more about him each day.  To welcome him into the fold of activities and crafts, not just observant on my hip.  It's all coming soon, and I'm happy about that.

I'm still feeling overwhelmed, but learning to compartmentalize a bit better.  I've spent the last three days organizing our house and now I'm excited for a good spring clean.  While I'd love to have a whole weekend to dedicate to that I'll have to settled for one project at a time, thankful for girls who can help more than ever this year.

I am so totally immersed in making right now, and planning for Felix's birthday.  I have gone back and forth between what I want for him,  trying so so hard to be practical all the while.  He really needs so little, and if there's one thing I've learned in this new life it's to not be wasteful, and when we do give and spend, to make it count.

I put him on my back yesterday and walked up to our shops nearby.  I went into the women's gift exchange and bought him a large adorable crotched octopus, made by the woman sitting behind the counter.  We talked knitting for a bit and I told her how thankful I was for such a great gift that I didn't have to make, she insisted I learn to crotchet...it's really so easy.  Perhaps someday, I replied, there's just no room in life right now for one new thing. She chuckled and smiled and remembered when her children were young and life was filled to bursting every moment.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed I stop and think about women like that and how they'd give just about anything for one more day of what I have right now every minute.  It helps.

So we walked home, stopping at the resale shop and finding a new  2 cup corning ware pour pot, the new used book shop, the bakery for bread, and then headed home.

Seriously, how fun is this...

10 Minutes to Bedtime is the girls' new favorite from the library...I found it in a board book to give to Felix
Hardback copy of Amelia Bedelia
Baby born, a sweet first birthday board book
I also found two beautiful bedtime books, not pictured because they're nestled in the girls' beds already  Nicole's Boat and The Dream Child.  How I love a (or many) good book find.

We decided to splurge that night on dinner OUT at our favorite noodle shop (mmm panang curry and glass noodles, and wide egg noodles and dumplings), and ice cream for dessert.  I got the most gigantic sundae imaginable.  I'm still not entirely hungry.

Today is bright and filled with possibilities.  I'm hoping for a jogging stroller run with my boy, and of course some knitting or sewing, I haven't decided which yet.  Or perhaps I'll bite the bullet and delve further into my photo organizing (I have to catch up to when Felix was born before his first birthday, I must!!!)

I hope you all are having a wonderful weekend and that that snow in Minnesota is melting fast.  I'm wishing some of this 60 degree sun we're having here in Chicago on all of you!
Happy weekend!

Back! and Out Of Hibernation

We're back!  Just yesterday we flew north from sunny Florida (truly the sunniest day we'd had).  The travel could not have gone smoother, the re-entry more slick.  Really, when the worst turbulence in a flight is on the actual plan you know it's been a good trip.

Last night I hurried around putting away, washing, tidying.  The house is still in a mild state of disarray, but I'm taking my twenty minutes before preschool pick up this morning to rest a bit, knowing there's lots more work to be done.

I wasn't so sure about this trip this time.  Oh the sun and the family I knew would be great, but traveling alone with my three had given me quite the punch to my nerves.  This whole winter I've been struggling with lots of anxiety again.  I think being cooped up so much and so very responsible for the well being of three little people can wear on ones nerves, especially when that one is already quite prone to feelings of panic and debilitating worry.

The week before we left I got in gear.  All the exercise from weeks before had helped calm me, a new supplement I found, lemon balm, really seemed to help take that extra edge off of my angst.  When travel day came it went as slick as could be.  It's amazing how wonderfully helpful and kind people are to a mom with a baby strapped to her back and two little girls tugging on arms, all the while carrying three carry on bags.  The world is good.  I've seen lots of proof.

The trip itself was amazing.  The weather really was perfect for my three fair skinned kiddos, a tidge on the cool side (for Florida that is), some clouds, some sun, lots of water and smiles and joy.  One week just flies down there.  I always want more time.

On the other side I find myself happy and eager.  There is so much good coming up in these next weeks.  Exciting things for Ian, a first birthday for our baby boy, Easter! a brand new baby girl cousin who deserves a few little handmade goodies.  I feel pumped (as Ainsley would say) and ready to go.

So this morning the fridge is stocked, new recipes are awaiting making (I'm very excited about this shepherds pie and this barley risotto, ooh, and this new chicken dish) fresh succulents placed in the window box soaking up the spring sun, so much on the docket for making and learning and play.  Coming out of hibernation feels extra good this year.  I am so thankful for that nudge Florida gave me.

I hope you all had a wonderful spring break!