Last week I started texting myself. I got the idea spur of the moment when I didn't have any paper with me and needed to remember a simple knitting pattern someone told me about at church. Next it was a new idea for a children's book, about a grandma carrying around knitting in her bag for other people, all the places she knit it, all the little bits of lint and love woven into each stitch. Then it was a story about windows. A child nodding off while dreaming of the views out of her favorites: Grandparents' cabin, spring break getaways, mountains and woods and lakes, then finally home. That last one was inspired by Harold and the Purple Crayon. One of my all time favorites. BTW I know I should be using a lot more semi colons then I am but I'm such a lazy English major, especially when I'm drinking wine (which of course I am). Just now I was reading a new book and a quote struck me. Home is in the Soul. You will spend your life trying to get back to it. Texted again. Who says and old Becky can't learn new tricks?
Truth is I don't feel like old Becky at all. Correction, I'm trying so hard to come to grips with new Becky, or older Becky, or adult Becky, something like that.
Part of it is this time of year, I know. Winter after Christmas can be the pits. This year Minnesota's weather has been hard. December was mild and decent but January was the worst. Too icy or WAY too cold then quickly too wet and warm now icy again. We have not ice skated or skied or done much other than sled and make fires and dream of spring. I hate feeling like I've wasted a season more than just about anything. I've borrowed so many books from the library and tried so hard to motivate. I actually had a blast with my kids on the days off from school they had with the snow. Then immediate sadness because it so reminded me of how things used to be with them before they got so big. I'm struggling to find my new groove.
It's in part because our groove is constantly in flux. Every year brings new routines, new schedules, new priorities and demands. Each season brings new commitments and new arrangements, new expectations. My nerves are shot making big parenting decisions daily like should I let me kid quit viola? should I send my kid to school with a sore throat if they don't have a fever? should I write the principal about an para with anger issues? Should I pack up my family and move to Montana and never leave again ?!?!?!!
I look around me a lot and wonder if every other adult feels this way. Are we all doing things the way we are doing them because we feel like it's how we're supposed to be doing them? Do we convince ourselves that things are ok because we're made to believe this is as good as it can be? Do we pick our battles so much that we settle for this moderate unhappiness that follows us always?
Whoa truthbomb, but really. That's where I'm at.
Wednesday, April 24, 2019
Felix is 6!
Felix is 6! Time keeps ticking away.
He's still at the age where each year his growth is so exponential that I hardly recognize him from year to year. Last year this time he was a preschooler; begging me to stay as long as he could at school each day because he loved his friends so much. Now he's almost done with kindergarten: reading to us every night, doing math for fun when he's waiting for a sister at dance or after school, going to friends houses alone after school, coming back on time because he's a responsible little guy.
He still loves his workout clothes and comes down fully dressed for the day as he has since he was in his late 3's. He still loves juice, any sweet drink really. For his birthday I got him a gallon of chocolate milk at Costco and I'm pretty sure it's going to be one of his top presents. He's still an awesome eater, will try just about anything, even spicy things. For his birthday he wants hot dogs and macaroni, per kid tradition. I'm excited that it's going to be 74 today so we can grill. For dessert he couldn't decide, so i decided for him; homemade strawberry ice cream with whipped cream, sprinkles and cherries. Ian's confirmation class is putting on a banquet for the 8th graders tonight so he has to scoot out early so our plan is to open gifts and eat right after school then make a bonfire and enjoy the night outside.
I'm taking work off today so that I can go on a field trip with Felix to a local farm. I'm going to his class early to read a book and eat lunch with him, then taking him home straight from the farm. I'm wondering what we'll do with that hour before we have to go pick Ainsley up from STEM club. A park? Home to play? I'm just excited for some time alone with him.
Felix continues to be such a gift to me. He's had an emotional year with many more tears and troubles than normal. First friend problems have crept up and adjusting from a class of 10 where everyone got along to one of 24 with tiny cliques and dramas has been hard. But he cries, snuggles into my lap and everything is better. We can reboot each other so easily. I've always loved that about us.
I am so looking forward to the summer with him. He plays so well and could spend all day just making believe and being outside. Lakes and parks and sports and reading and crafts and snuggles while reading will fill our days easily and well.
I love you so much Felix and am so glad that you are ours. I can't wait to celebrate you extra today!!!
He's still at the age where each year his growth is so exponential that I hardly recognize him from year to year. Last year this time he was a preschooler; begging me to stay as long as he could at school each day because he loved his friends so much. Now he's almost done with kindergarten: reading to us every night, doing math for fun when he's waiting for a sister at dance or after school, going to friends houses alone after school, coming back on time because he's a responsible little guy.
He still loves his workout clothes and comes down fully dressed for the day as he has since he was in his late 3's. He still loves juice, any sweet drink really. For his birthday I got him a gallon of chocolate milk at Costco and I'm pretty sure it's going to be one of his top presents. He's still an awesome eater, will try just about anything, even spicy things. For his birthday he wants hot dogs and macaroni, per kid tradition. I'm excited that it's going to be 74 today so we can grill. For dessert he couldn't decide, so i decided for him; homemade strawberry ice cream with whipped cream, sprinkles and cherries. Ian's confirmation class is putting on a banquet for the 8th graders tonight so he has to scoot out early so our plan is to open gifts and eat right after school then make a bonfire and enjoy the night outside.
I'm taking work off today so that I can go on a field trip with Felix to a local farm. I'm going to his class early to read a book and eat lunch with him, then taking him home straight from the farm. I'm wondering what we'll do with that hour before we have to go pick Ainsley up from STEM club. A park? Home to play? I'm just excited for some time alone with him.
Felix continues to be such a gift to me. He's had an emotional year with many more tears and troubles than normal. First friend problems have crept up and adjusting from a class of 10 where everyone got along to one of 24 with tiny cliques and dramas has been hard. But he cries, snuggles into my lap and everything is better. We can reboot each other so easily. I've always loved that about us.
I am so looking forward to the summer with him. He plays so well and could spend all day just making believe and being outside. Lakes and parks and sports and reading and crafts and snuggles while reading will fill our days easily and well.
I love you so much Felix and am so glad that you are ours. I can't wait to celebrate you extra today!!!
Still Writing
It's almost like I'm playing an odd game of chance, going so long in between publishing posts on this old blog; is anyone still reading? does anyone care? heck do I still care? Sure I do. Based on the number of unpublished posts I've been racking up these past few years, I'd day I still care quite a lot.
Thing is, my life continues to change at such rapid speeds that by the time I go back to re-read something it all feels irrelevant or too much sharing about my now not baby at all children. Now my days aren't just in these 4 walls, with the bakery lady and the Trader Joes guy as my main two confidants. This space doesn't have the same need for me as it used to. Still I can't fully let go. It was such a big part of the biggest part of me that I'm struggling to move forward with.
Life just keeps moving forward doesn't it? They always told me it would, God willing, but here I am with a permanent deep wrinkle crease down the middle of my forehead and my first unmistakable grey hairs popping unyieldingly out of my hair part, and I hardly recognize myself.
I have often felt like I've done life a bit backwards. While I hear from most that their 20s were wild and crazy and confusing my 20s were the epitome of what I always wanted my adult life to be. I wanted to be a wife and a mom and homemaker extraordinaire. I struggled so much with Ainsley going off to kindergarten because I knew it was the beginning of the end of my favorite era in my life. And I was right.
To be honest I've felt a bit lost since our move back home. For 8 years I held moving back as the catch all solution to everything that had been ailing me. Then we moved and it wasn't miraculous, of course it wasn't. Everything shifted and I'm still trying to find my new normal. Every time I call up a sister to hang out with on a free weekend night I am SO grateful to have that, and at the same time sad that I don't have my friends in Oak Park. Every time I go to work I am so thankful I have that and sad that I'm not needed at home with my own tiny toddler anymore. Every time I have hours to myself to do housework or fun projects I am thankful and at the same time so nostalgic for the days so full to the brim of need from my kiddos. Life has changed so fast.
I find myself asking "what's next" often. I find myself being pulled in so many directions, scared to truly jump into any one thing for fear of choosing wrong, or taking away from the little time I have with my toes in the other ponds. It could be as simple as what makes the most money or as complex as 'what is my purpose?'.
But these are the questions of life aren't they? Now that my head is fully above water I'm able to see that. This is what I'll spend my days and my years mulling over and deciding. What to do with my one wild and crazy life. In the meantime I'm trying my best to keep my eyes and arms open. It's the best I can do.
Thing is, my life continues to change at such rapid speeds that by the time I go back to re-read something it all feels irrelevant or too much sharing about my now not baby at all children. Now my days aren't just in these 4 walls, with the bakery lady and the Trader Joes guy as my main two confidants. This space doesn't have the same need for me as it used to. Still I can't fully let go. It was such a big part of the biggest part of me that I'm struggling to move forward with.
Life just keeps moving forward doesn't it? They always told me it would, God willing, but here I am with a permanent deep wrinkle crease down the middle of my forehead and my first unmistakable grey hairs popping unyieldingly out of my hair part, and I hardly recognize myself.
I have often felt like I've done life a bit backwards. While I hear from most that their 20s were wild and crazy and confusing my 20s were the epitome of what I always wanted my adult life to be. I wanted to be a wife and a mom and homemaker extraordinaire. I struggled so much with Ainsley going off to kindergarten because I knew it was the beginning of the end of my favorite era in my life. And I was right.
To be honest I've felt a bit lost since our move back home. For 8 years I held moving back as the catch all solution to everything that had been ailing me. Then we moved and it wasn't miraculous, of course it wasn't. Everything shifted and I'm still trying to find my new normal. Every time I call up a sister to hang out with on a free weekend night I am SO grateful to have that, and at the same time sad that I don't have my friends in Oak Park. Every time I go to work I am so thankful I have that and sad that I'm not needed at home with my own tiny toddler anymore. Every time I have hours to myself to do housework or fun projects I am thankful and at the same time so nostalgic for the days so full to the brim of need from my kiddos. Life has changed so fast.
I find myself asking "what's next" often. I find myself being pulled in so many directions, scared to truly jump into any one thing for fear of choosing wrong, or taking away from the little time I have with my toes in the other ponds. It could be as simple as what makes the most money or as complex as 'what is my purpose?'.
But these are the questions of life aren't they? Now that my head is fully above water I'm able to see that. This is what I'll spend my days and my years mulling over and deciding. What to do with my one wild and crazy life. In the meantime I'm trying my best to keep my eyes and arms open. It's the best I can do.
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