Wishful Thinking

Oh boy.  If I've ever needed a day off from being a mom, today would be the day.

There's nothing spectacular about today.  The girls have school, I had to take Felix in for a vaccine, we needed bread so we went to the bakery and got that, a number 5 candle too for Ainsley's birthday coming up so soon.

I'm just spent.  Felix is not sleeping AGAIN.  I feel like a broken record, but it's hard when you don't get sleep.  It's like when you don't get enough food.  It's all I can think about.  I dream of sleep when everyone else is napping, but I can't sleep then because there's always too much to do.  I dream of sleep the minute I wake up and the minute I lay my head down.  But I never get it in increments of more than 3 hours these days.  I don't know what's going on.  It's eating away at my soul, and REALLY affecting my mood.

This morning I had absolutely nothing in my reserves.  At one point while trying to get all the kids seated for breakfast I SHOUTED at the TOP of my lungs (while both Louise and Felix were screaming at the tops of theirs) I DON'T WANT TO TO MY JOB TODAY!!!!! (over and over and over).

And I don't.  Today I want to be completely by myself.  I want to take a long hot shower and towel dry my hair, and slip on some clean clothes and crawl into my warm bed and sleep.  I want to sleep until I've had enough sleep and then I want to wake up on my own. Not because my baby needs me or because Louise is kicking the wall next to my face or because Ainsley is hissing at her sister.  Then I want to come downstairs to a quiet clean house.  Clean because I cleaned it up yesterday and no one dismantled it for once.  Then I want to turn on an old favorite movie.  Perhaps something seasonal like White Christmas or It's a Wonderful life. I want to knit something, just for fun, not for a gift or a timeline.  Perhaps keep working on that cap sleeved sweater for me that's been waiting since this time last year.  Then I want to cook something, because I do like cooking.  Something simple and delicious like risotto with a glass of wine on the side.  When the sun starts to dip I want to curl up by a fire (because in this fantasy we have a fireplace that works) and delve further into my current obsession The Goldfinch and just get lost in this wonderful story.  Then when my eyes feel heavy I'll head up to bed, again, for more uninterrupted glorious sleep.  Then I'll wake up, and THEN maybe I can be a good mom again.

Ah.  Perhaps just typing that out will be enough huh?  Or perhaps this five minutes of sitting, sipping on coffee, in a quiet warm house while my boy sleeps and my girls play at school, perhaps this will be enough, it has to be enough.  Because after this five minutes it's back to reality.  To a very messy house despite my best efforts, to a tribe that so needs me, to a very tired boy tonight who deserves my pep and optimism and smiles.
Families are such a tremendous blessing, but DANG, they are a whole lot of work.  Today I wish i had a break from it all, but I don't, so I'll take my five minutes and I'll breathe, and I'll remember how blessed I am, and I'll pray like mad that Felix sleeps tonight and life will go right along.