My All

I am feeling a bit tested these days.  As if the universe is looking me square in the eyes and taunting "oh, so you think you're good mom huh?  a good wife?  a good person?  Let's see how you handle THIS! ah HA!"

Ok, of course it's not that dramatic.  Really, I feel silly even admitting that I feel stretched thin.  I mean if there were a chart of things that make life great I'm fairly certain I'd be able to check them all off, right down the line.

Still, life lately is getting to me.  I am so eager for my boy to be done with his work.  Mostly for his own sanity and stability but also for our family.  It's tough living in limbo, not knowing exactly what the coming years bring.

It's stressful owning a home, a blessing, but a huge stress.  I swear to you something in this house needs tending to or fixing or maintaining just about every two months.  I try to keep in mind that with each tiny disaster and call to the professionals we're learning and growing, but man, it's enough to make a girl want to move home to her parents' basement every now and again.

And then?... there's parenting.  Oh boy.  What a DOOZY that has been these past few months.  I actually find myself looking forward to caring for a newborn again just to be grounded in that simple routine of sweet care, because WOWZA, preschoolers are no joke.

I really sugarcoated that Halloween post yesterday.  I could have written paragraph after paragraph about all of the trauma of that morning.  How I truly have never felt so defeated, disappointed  and helpless in my life, how a long talk with my boy and a crying jag with my mom helped so much, how I was somehow able to power through and come out (I think) the better.  It was definitely one of those I don't want to do this, this is too hard, moments.

And on top of it all, I'm pregnant, something I tend to forget about 80% of the time until my head is spinning and my muscles are aching and I NEED WATER NOW and NO, I CAN'T CARRY YOU AROUND ALL DAY, and OH MY GOODNESS IF I DON'T SLEEP RIGHT NOW I'M GOING TO PERISH!!!!!  And yes, that really is all as dramatic as that.

Babies are such a blessing in so many wonderful ways.  But right now?  This little one is reminding me that I matter too.  That in the midst of chaos and late nights and tired hard mornings and LONG afternoons  it's ok to take care of me, of us now really.  To let dinner be from the freezer again, let the crumbs sit on the floor one more night, let our "activity" be snuggling and drawing and Christmas music listening.  For the first time in my parenting career I truly don't feel bad about any of these things, because sometimes, well, all the time, when you know you're giving it your all you simply can't be disappointed.

Now if only those Christmas gifts would make themselves...