Rough Patch

When Ian gets home at 5:30 the girls are always ecstatic. Louise squeals and claps and Ainsley runs and hugs. I smile and sigh relief and happiness. After the girls have had their fill I get mine. We embrace, cheek kiss, exchange words about our day and settle into our evening.

Last night was different. The moment I heard the click of the doorknob and the girls' squeals formed in the backs of their throats I collapsed. Ian took over immediately. The three calls he got from me that day clued him in to my desperation. With few words and thankful looks I trudged up the stairs, my burden lightening with each ascending step. I drew the bath hot and bubbly, sunk in deep and let it all go. All the stress of the day, all the pent up anger and frustration, all the repetitious momisms and faux strength. I let it all go.

Yesterday was a real rough patch. A day that I thought might actually do me in. But the beauty of it in the end, of all that terrible horrible no good very bad-ness was that I made it. We made it. Through all the tears and tantrums and holding my tongue and SCREAMING and time outs and no naps, we made it. We even managed to have a little fun along the way.

This morning I woke up with a new resolve. A resolve to step up my parenting game and put fun and friendship on the back burner. Ainsley is responding well and I can only hope that it gets easier from here on out.

We missed out on a quick trip to Minnesota because of all of this. I vowed I would never let my children control me like that, make me miss out on things that I really wanted. But it's for the best. I am so wiped today that I couldn't have made that drive solo with 4 espressos. We need consistency right now and rhythm. Oh rhythm. So today we celebrated fall. Spent the morning adorning our house with garlands and fresh candles and window art. We gathered components for Halloween costuming and drew out our designs Ainsley and I played the morning away as Louise crashed. Now Ainsley is crashing and I am finally relaxing.

It continues to astonish me, how hard this parent thing is. This stay at home always on call, always the mean guy boss parent thing. But the rewards are great. Last night Ainsley couldn't get enough snuggles from me. Even when I could barely look her in the face because the day had been really that bad...she loved me. And today? She's been an absolute delight.

I just hope this delightful child decides to stick around for a while. This terrible twos thing is no joke.