I've found that lately I have avoided writing on these days. For all that I proclaim bravery and speaking the truth I prefer to put my best foot forward on here, to remember the good stuff, the fun stuff, the exceptional stuff. The beauty of a blog is the ability to paint a portrait of yourself that you admire, of the person you want other people to see. At the same time I fear becoming one of "those" people, the ones who claim perfection and exception all the time. I of course am not one of "them".
I'm coming off of a good streak. Despite almost preschooler and nearly toddler antics the girls have been wonderful. Playing has become so effortless and misunderstandings and frustrations are much fewer and further between, and of course cuteness and preciousness is always in abundance. While our new schedule is tiring it is great having things to do and places to be.
Still, when I stop to think about life, the BIG picture, I am overwhelmed. We have been living in this state of limbo for so long that it has become our new normal. In the next couple of years we face some real big decisions, potential changes. Quite frankly I feel done with change. I really like where life is at right now and I resent having to even consider it not being like this. I know it can potentially get easier, better even, but I simply cannot imagine it. I feel like my head is exploding with the possibilities.
A favorite blogger of mine wrote recently...
"I talked with a friend last night about how wild it is that when one is at the age of having small children, it is also when money is tight and creative endeavors are high. It is when days are the fullest and the most work needs to be done. This precious time when our kids are young and with us all the time is also a precious time of digging into growing careers and adventure. It is like, how many life-changing, important balls can we juggle at one time? Aw, hell, let's add another." (digthischickmt.com)
Life is just SO crazy right now. The girls naps rarely overlap (if they nap at all) and now that Ainsley doesn't fall asleep until at least 9 I have literally NO time to myself in a day. I am just drained. There is so much that I want to do. I have SO many THINGS that I want to MAKE, BOOKS to READ, WORDS to WRITE. Then when I do find a free moment I am too tired to DO anything about all that passion and desire. Quite frankly it sucks.
Perhaps I boast about my productive free time (as rare as it happens) and my occasional amazing multitasking (again, sporadic at best) because it's all I have. The days when I can create with and for the girls, make wholesome food for my family, scrub out the bathtub, nurture my marriage AND my soul? now that's a day worth writing about.
Today is a day of getting by, enjoying my family, but secretly wishing for a bit of a break, a bit of time to be just me, not mom or wife or household CEO. Someday I'll get there. Just not today. Today I write to be ok with that.
I leave you with another great excerpt from the above blogger (seriously, you need to check her out if you haven't)
"Several times, I studied the room, pulsing with the intense, happy energy of hundreds of women with varying passions and influences, united by one thing: we are moms. My village. Breast or formula-fed, public or private school, epidural or incense, soda pop or carrot juice, circumcised or not, cloth or disposable…eh. We are moms. We love our kids so much, we are so committed to raising compassionate, strong, self-aware humans, that we are prioritizing time away from our kids to ensure we are good models of compassion, strength and self-awareness.
I left the event having fed the pieces of me that existed before motherhood, but of course, it’s different now that all I am is within motherhood. Not that I am held hostage by being a mama, rather my everything is dancing around and through being a mama. It was a good way to spend the day before Mother’s Day. It was thirst-quenching and inspiring to be surrounded by all that greatness."
Today I could use a little of that greatness and inspiration. Today I feel totally held hostage and miss those pre mama pieces of me, or at least the ability to cultivate them. So tonight I sit tired, worn out, defeated, knowing that tomorrow is another day, another chance to make it all happen. And if nothing else I am raising two girls, helping them form and thrive and someday I'll have the time I need for me again. I just really hope it's soon.
The state of our home at morning's end...can you tell I was DONE?!?
Louise had similar feeling about the day as I did...I think poor baby is teething again
Rest assurred we ended the day with full bellies, sleeping girls and a clean house. Tomorrow's looking up already.
Becky,
ReplyDeleteI have to say I feel this way sometimes, and I am not even a mother yet. Here I am, living in a new city where I know next to no one, living with my significant other for the first time, working a new job that I do not fully understand. I often have those days where I think... what happened? Where did I go? Am I taking advantage of every moment -- especially since there seem to be far too few moments to go around? Why can't I just fit it all in? Don't worry, tomorrow will be better. Get up a little early, take a shower, close your eyes, breathe deeply, and indulge in a perfect cup of tea. It helps me (nearly) every time.
Hope you are well....