The Perfect Present

"There's a crisp in the air, from I don't know where, but it might be a snowsong whistling. It flits and it purls while it lifts and curls and it could be a snowsong whistling" ~ Elisa Kleven

It's that time of year again. Leaves falling, air and apples crisping, woolens wearing and warming. The holidays are near.

Like most, I love this time of year. I salivate over everything pumpkin and sweet, light candles and play festive tunes daily, snuggle longer in the morning under warm flannel covers. Everything is a bit slower in the fall. It takes longer to get out of the house with all those layers to adorn, longer to get in the car with straps to adjust and children to hoist in their bulk, longer to motivate to get out in this chill. Yet the cool air refreshes quicker than the summer stifle. As soon as cheeks redden we feel rejuvenated. Cocoa and tea warm our frozen fingers, and our happy home warms our souls.

Aside from all this cooler weather fun, the impending holidays leave me scouring for the perfect present(s). As a child I so anticipated Christmas. The whole ritual of decorating and lingering and singing and yummy goodies, shopping for loved ones and keeping secrets, wrapping presents with care and eyeing the ones marked with my name. What treasures did they hold? It was the one day a year that we got things just because, the one day to get a bit spoiled and at the same time eagerly gave gifts made or bought with great thought and care.

The magic of this time of year is the anticipation and wonder. The hours spent bent over a sewing machine, hands cramping from tiny knitting needles, scouring books and sites for grand and unique ideas, this is where the true magic and love lie.

So here I sit on the other side. Playing Santa for my two little girls. I have so many expectations for their holiday. So many things I want them to experience and feel. As I agonize over the "what" and the "how" I am reminded that it's not so much the gift, as all that goes into it and all that it represents.

This holiday season I am excited to mostly make the presents I intend to give. To be reminded that it's the thought and care that count. To relish in the fact that all too soon the girls will have lists and lists of "wants" and that now is the time to establish a balance of simple thoughtful gifts and a bit of spoiling too. I'm excited for another Christmas with my two little sweet ones. Wonder in Ainsley's eyes and joy in Louise's.

What are your holiday traditions? Favorite gifts given or received? I hope this time of year finds you all in great spirits with joyful thankful hearts, like it finds me.

IKEA morning

We all have our "things" as parents. Our struggles and setbacks. Mine has been getting out with the girls, or was at least when Ainsley was new.

I've always been a homebody. Like a mega-almost-always-would-rather-be-comfy-cozy-in-my-house-doing-comfy-cozy-things-rather-than-be-out-and-about kind of homebody.

In our early married days we went downtown a bit, but not much, opting instead for quiet nights at home or dinners out within walking distance. I always enjoy going out, finding new places, visiting old favorites, but home is where it is for me.

Adding a newborn to this homebody's routine back in 2008 was a rockin' change. Adding a VERY loud opinionated from the get go newborn was a whole new story again. I found my anxiety shooting through the roof just to go out and get groceries, let alone get out for fun. What fun? I was too busy worried about Ainsley crying or needing to be fed or changed of barfing all over everything for the MILLIONTH time to have much fun while out (did I ever tell you about that time we went to the local high school's book fair and Ainsley barfed into an ENTIRE box of books whilst in the front pack and I panicked and just ran away? Ahh, the high points of parenthood).

But then she grew up and so did I. She's actually always done great out and Louise, in typical 2nd child fashion will happily go wherever we take her. So we get out a whole lot now and it's great and mostly easy and fun.

This morning was one of those mornings with nothing much on the docket. Tired after a full week (and me on day 6 of the 30 day shred...getting a bit tired in the ole quads I am) I was pondering how to fill the morning. We needed a few things for the house, and I've been wanting to go for a while so I packed up a big bag of food and distractions and we loaded the car for the 45 minute drive to our local IKEA.

It was AMAZING.

Who knew IKEA was so family friendly and delicious and enjoyable? (on a weekday of course when the crowds were sparse) We've been to IKEA lots. Started our newlywed furniture collection there like most. But you know, usually you tolerate IKEA, you don't necessarily enjoy it. You weave through the maze, lose that precious paper list with all your aisle and bin numbers just in time to pass by the huge flat bed carts that don't handle well. The lines are long, the loads are heavy, the assembly feels impossible. But you save money and the stuff is cute so we suffer through.

Not today. Today I strapped toddler 1 to my back and let toddler 2 wander within reason. We spent a good 20 minutes just running through rooms. Ainsley tried out every bed, opened every drawer, loved EVERY minute. When I asked her to follow me she did. I kept my list short and succinct. When I needed to browse I carted her and she happily obliged, in awe of it all. We found amazingly cute CHEAP stuff for Christmas and the kitchen. FINALLY got some quality folding chairs so people don't have to sit on our falling apart ones any more. After checking out and lugging it all to the car we turned back around and headed in again for food. After using the amazingly equipped (and clean) family bathroom we loaded our fun little food cart with swedish meatballs, potatoes and lingonberries. Ainsley picked out our red benched table and we noshed. It was yummy and delightful. We chatted all the way home about the fun food carts, lingonberry soda, and cheap delicious milk chocolate. Ainsley was SO excited for her scissors we found for 1.49 (she's outgrown her "baby" ones) and for the cute crocodile mirror we got for her room.

So now, not only do we get out, but we make errands events, productions even. Ikea even felt magical to me this morning, seen through the eyes of my girls. It's like a million little playhouses set up perfectly just for them, and yummy food to boot. What's not to love?

Oh how I love a good full productive easy fun morning. Thank you IKEA.

Hump Day Nuggets: A new Groove

I write a whole lot about groove, rhythm and routine. Have you noticed?

Perhaps it's because it's still so bizarre sometimes to be HERE; married, with two kids and a mortgage. Not THERE; school, fun, friends, homework even (goodness how I miss writing a good essay somedays).

I was THERE for so long. We all were. That culture of classes and extra curriculars, part time coffee shop jobs and ample time for socializing and laze (at least compared to now). I find myself lusting over the good old college days always, but especially in the fall.

But this is not unique to me as a parent. I think we all feel it. Whether new or "experienced" in this adult world.

After that rough day a while ago I found myself pondering my life choices yet again. Why did I want kids SO badly? What was the rush? If I'm honest I ask myself that a lot after a rough day, or week, have even found myself counseling others to hold off a bit unless they are REALLY 100% sure, because man it's hard.

But I REALLY REALLY wanted this and I still do. Even on the hardest LONGEST days there is no where I'd rather be than here with my family, singing and dancing, cooking and laughing, playing and loving on each other. It's a great new groove we're in.

Nuggets::

Ainsley drew her first official portrait just this morning. Big circles have been her favorite subject for some time. Sometimes they morph into faces other times "It's just a design mom. I don't know" But today it was purposeful and recognizable and amazing "Look mama! I drew daddy. With two eyes and big smile face and lots of purple hair. Oh, and two legs, but I drew lots because I really like legs." Pretty great right?

All this heat has kept us outside playing, not inside making, but we've still found time to knock a few new crafts off our list. Ainsley loved making these handprint trees and that glitter pumpkin. There they sit amongst drying diapers and aired out picnic blankets. Just as early fall should look.

::Gearing up for the holidays with coloring, I've found it's the best way to explain things for Ainsley and she loves loves loves it::

::Halloween must be right around the corner, look at that spider!::

Nuggets::

This new groove fills time so easily. I am going to be one of those parents this winter, CRYING over the loss of park play. The girls will happily play for hours, in the sand, out of the sand, down the slides, back and forth on the swings. Running running, basking in the sun, tactile glorious social PARKS. We're soaking up every last moment we can.

Oh and the leaves. Their crunch and smell. I need not explain anything about leaves to either of my girls. They see a clump on the sidewalk, a pile in our yard, a single solitary GORGEOUS red one floating through the air. They are entranced. They know to stop and observe, look and crunch because it's magical. Oh so magical.

Nuggets::

The costume has been made. It's been talked about for weeks. She'd made up her mind. We bought the necessary materials and scavenged my fabric stash for the rest. This morning we went for it. Cutting and pinning, singing along to music and smiling in anticipation of the cuteness to come. And oh it's cute. So so cute.

::Ah ha! Mama! I'm a penguin. A real black penguin! Can you call me Waddle? Because penguin's waddle so my name's Waddle."

::World, meet Waddle. The happiest penguin ever."

She insisted on wearing the costume the WHOLE morning despite the 80 degree heat. People were big fans of my little penguin while out and about this morning. I'm a big fan of hers too.

So life is good. Ainsley is manageable, even over the top adorable lately. She is loving playschool and all of her new little pals. She is so funny and quick and keeps life interesting and amazing. Louise is as sweet and chatty and cautious as ever. We've given up trying to entice her to walk unassisted. She can cruise like the wind across furniture or with her walker. She can fly holding on to only my pinky. She'll be one of those who lets go when she's good and ready and KNOWS she won't fall because goodness that baby HATES to fall. Just like her mama.

But you know what YaWeez? We all fall sometimes and sure it may hurt a little, but you brush it off and you get back up. Because right around the corner is something great, ALWAYS, I promise you.

Happy Hump Day out there!

Hump Day Nuggets: Balance

Our week has slowly improved since last Thursday's terror. The weather has been almost TOO nice (can it ever be too nice?) forcing us to motivate and take advantage, knowing what's right around the corner. The girls have been fighting their first colds of the season and I've felt a bit in a slump since the big breakdown day last week. It's been tough for me to rally, feel 100% invested in the moment, a bit jaded if you will. We're working on it, it's getting there, we're having fun in lieu of it all.

Perhaps this week has felt "off" because of missed classes and activities. Ainsley's hack has kept us at bay instead of thick in the action. She napped for a solid 2 hours yesterday MORNING, alluding to how deep the ick must have been settled in her little frame. She woke energized and sassy, my little girl was back. Now today Louise seems off, cutting two new bottom teeth, frustrated with life in that new toddler way of hers.

Ah my growing up Louise. I feel myself holding her longer when she'll let me, drinking in the last of that sweet baby smell in the pudge of her neck. I see her shedding her babyness a little more everyday. Ainsley just threw hers out the back window scorching 90 down the highway, but Louise, she's slower to adjust, letting us all savor the sweet dumpling she's been and at the same time transition into the opinionated mobile big toddler girl she's becoming. To me, it's a bit like wading into the ocean. While I'd really rather leap sometimes and get it all over at once, I'm thankful for a girl that lets me feel each change, notice each difference. She slows life down a bit for us all and for that I am just about always grateful.

:always having fun with Auntie Sonya, the girls love her SO much it's ridiculous:

When Sonya and I were getting ready for a date last weekend Ainsley was in a panic. I thought she was sad that I was leaving but then she exclaimed "Mama, mama, wait (hand up physically holding me off)...So I have an idea. You put your coat on with daddy and go to the restaurant and eat and talk and have fun. Aunte Sonya can stay here and babysit Ainsley May!" Ahhh, I get it.

Nuggets:

This morning we went to Costco. We were out of a few things, needed to fill up the tank, and it seemed like a good way to "kill" the last hour of the morning. The girls LOVE Costco. There's something about those two sitting shoulder to shoulder in a big old Costco cart that gets me (and them) every time. Ainsley loves to pick out some fun goodie for Ian (and by extension her). We peruse the fleece jammie selection, sample niblets and stock up on paper products. On the way home we rolled the windows down, kept the radio off and let this last hot early fall day seep into our skin. At a particularly LONG stoplight Louise and Ainsley began singing in unison. It was a made up babble song, a tune I've never heard, but there they were giggling and harmonizing as only two little stuck together like glue sisters could. Then Louise chimed in "habbbe, baabbbeeeee, habbeee, babbeeee!" over and over. Before I could acknowledge it Ainsley turned, BEAMING and clapped "Yaweez! You're talking!" Are you a happy baby Louise?! You're so cute! You're TALKING!!!" She is indeed talking, a little more each day so that we can understand. It's the most fun ever and Ainsley is clearly a big huge fan of communication with her sweet dumpling sister.

::daddy daughter snuggle time, all the time::

Nuggets:

Ainsley's sleep is about a million percent better. The struggles we face now are normal, not catastrophic and mind boggling. The change is due in part to our new no nonsense policy, me accepting that naps won't always happen, and keeping her door CLOSED. Ahh, the beauty of a well rested house once again.

Of course we still have our issues, like when her "quiet time" gets out of hand and she wakes Louise up because she was "riding a horsey to the county fair with Jill. It got a little loud. Sorry mama!" But really, how can I be mad about that creative adorable use of her alone time?

::on the way to the library to return a load of books, watched a booming looming DARK rain cloud rush towards us and ended up running with a wagon all the way home, the girls thought it was the coolest thing ever::

Nuggets:

I continue to struggle with the whole balance thing. I've felt so flat the last few nights, perpetually disappointed with how little I am able to accomplish in a day. I have some big ideas for the holidays coming up and after a trip to a local thrifting gem tomorrow I'm hoping to get all the supplies I need to charge ahead. I just so want that balance between feeling rested and getting more than just laundry and dishes done in a day. Maybe when the girls are in school full time? haha, at least that's when I hear I may finally get a moment!

Nuggets:

We went to the arboretum again this past weekend to enjoy the gorgeous weather. We donned light sweaters and smiles and Aunite Sonya got some cute shots of us as a family. I'm saving the best one in case it ends up being our christmas card photo. I'm heading back to the arb with the girls later this week. I could become addicted to that place. It is amazing.

So fall rolls along and I feel along for the ride this week. A bit confused by the warm weather, but so thankful for the sun and the girls feeling better. Today we're enjoying the warmth, both inside and out, fall crafts and end of summer cooking. Tomorrow we'll enjoy the re-entry into a busy schedule, always welcomed by this mama, especially at the end of a long week.

::frito chili pies OR walkin' tacos, our new favorite game day treat::

::soaking up every last moment at our favorite park, i hope winter doesn't come too soon!::

::fall crafts in full swing::

Happy Hump Day out there!

Rough Patch

When Ian gets home at 5:30 the girls are always ecstatic. Louise squeals and claps and Ainsley runs and hugs. I smile and sigh relief and happiness. After the girls have had their fill I get mine. We embrace, cheek kiss, exchange words about our day and settle into our evening.

Last night was different. The moment I heard the click of the doorknob and the girls' squeals formed in the backs of their throats I collapsed. Ian took over immediately. The three calls he got from me that day clued him in to my desperation. With few words and thankful looks I trudged up the stairs, my burden lightening with each ascending step. I drew the bath hot and bubbly, sunk in deep and let it all go. All the stress of the day, all the pent up anger and frustration, all the repetitious momisms and faux strength. I let it all go.

Yesterday was a real rough patch. A day that I thought might actually do me in. But the beauty of it in the end, of all that terrible horrible no good very bad-ness was that I made it. We made it. Through all the tears and tantrums and holding my tongue and SCREAMING and time outs and no naps, we made it. We even managed to have a little fun along the way.

This morning I woke up with a new resolve. A resolve to step up my parenting game and put fun and friendship on the back burner. Ainsley is responding well and I can only hope that it gets easier from here on out.

We missed out on a quick trip to Minnesota because of all of this. I vowed I would never let my children control me like that, make me miss out on things that I really wanted. But it's for the best. I am so wiped today that I couldn't have made that drive solo with 4 espressos. We need consistency right now and rhythm. Oh rhythm. So today we celebrated fall. Spent the morning adorning our house with garlands and fresh candles and window art. We gathered components for Halloween costuming and drew out our designs Ainsley and I played the morning away as Louise crashed. Now Ainsley is crashing and I am finally relaxing.

It continues to astonish me, how hard this parent thing is. This stay at home always on call, always the mean guy boss parent thing. But the rewards are great. Last night Ainsley couldn't get enough snuggles from me. Even when I could barely look her in the face because the day had been really that bad...she loved me. And today? She's been an absolute delight.

I just hope this delightful child decides to stick around for a while. This terrible twos thing is no joke.

Hum Day Nuggets: So Much Fun

"The sun did not shine, it was too wet to play, so we sat in the house all that cold cold wet day."

Oh Dr Suess, you speak of our sorrow. It's been oh so dreary and wet for days and days. The girls and I are desperate for outdoor time that consists of more than rainbooted walks and carrides. This is the time of year when the leaves are beginning to change and fall breezes blow cool and strong and we're missing it all, stuck in our little home months before we should be.

Of course this moment the sun is peaking through. Teasing the girls and keeping their naps from solidifying. Rest assurred it will be dark and drizzly just in time for their arousal, smiting any hopes of the park or a backyard romp. We know the drill. I miss being tired from fresh air and movement, not from cabin fevered short tempers and stale air.

Even so we've had some great moments this week. I look back on life even a year ago, getting used to a new little life in our midst, struggling to get even the most menial tasks and activities complete. Last winter felt SO long and hard that I seriously considered leaving the midwest for good. But now, these stints indoors, while not ideal, create such opportunities for bonding and play with my girls.

Nuggets:

Louise has started to play pretend right along with Ainsley and I. Sharpening her "talk on phone" and "feeding people stuff" skills. When we play in the kitchen downstairs she cooks along with Ainlsey and then (mostly) sits calmly in her designated seat waiting to be served by Chef Ainsley. We have such fun playing and pretending all together. Most times now Ainsley introduces the agenda instead of me. I. AM. LOVING. IT.

Nuggets:

I was a proud mama this morning in musikgarten as Ainsley sat front and center and belted out each and every song. One song, saying hello in 4 languages, she's particularly mastered with the hand motions and all. I'm not proud for myself, while we sing and dance to the beat a lot around here, that desire and ability to remember and learn is all Ainsley. She watches Miss Amy SO intently. Her new favorite pretend play is to lead music class as Miss Amy while Louise and I obediently watch and repeat. It's amazing how much she's learned in the year and a half we've been going to class. I always knew that music holds a special place in our hearts, speaks to us when words cannot, but man oh man, Ainsley is living proof.

And YaWeez! That dumpling is exploding with joy during each class. She drums and pats along with the babies in her class and sits up like a big kid in Ainsley's. I am just so stinkin proud of my girls and happy for the joy of musikgarten in our lives.

Nuggets:

Another perk of all this forced indoor time has been the extra project time. On a particularly wet pajama filled morning I pulled out the sensory bin and dumped in a 10lb bag of rice. It's the first sensory rice they've had since early spring, Louise's first ever and my goodness it's a favorite as always. The girls played happily for nearly a half hour, then when Ainsley and I moved into the kitchen to start a crock pot dinner Louise continued, pouring and rubbing, climbing all in, for a full hour. Ahh, the magic of sensory.

::baby in a sensory bin::

::um, I think she likes pudding paint::

::wait a second, they both do!::

::dumpling in a diaper photos::

::Louise reading, as per ALWAYS::

Nuggets:

With the big stretch of fall (and at home!) in front of us I'm determined to make good use of it. After my vent post this weekend I'm working on making it happen. One thing I've very recently realized is that I NEED to get my body back. Not lose weight so much, according to scales I'm where I want to be, but goodness I need that strength and endurance back.

Pregnancy, bedrest, nursing, being a mom, these things didn't allow me to focus on me, namely what my body needs. I eat what's available when I'm hungry, usually thinking very little about it. I'm so focused on the needs of the girls that I sacrifice my precious free time to make them stuff and plan meals (or to just SIT for a MINUTE) instead of going for a good run, or lifting a few weights.

It used to be so easy to take care of myself because it was just me. Now that I have 3 (um, sometimes 4) people to care for I just seem to come in last. But really, those days that I take the time to make really delicious GOOD food and go for a run, I am a rockstar mom and wife. (well maybe not rockstar, but you get the idea). Endorphins are my drug of choice, oh how I miss them. So here's to feeling good about myself again and getting some of that muscle tone back in my life.

I am pretty pumped for fall. Our clothes are switched, the heater has already been put to the test, leaf art and pumpkin projects are in our VERY near future. Halloween costuming has been added to our project list and our corner windows will soon be festive and bright. I love this time of year and am excited to be settled into our house and our lives this season to REALLY celebrate.

Today I am thankful for the cool weather despite the rain, the joy of music to warm our spirits and my sweet family to keep company with.

Happy Hump Day!

Rose Colored Glass(es)

Today is a gloomy gloom day, both in spirit and in weather. While I didn't mind watching the girls solo this morning, letting Ian sleep in after a long deserved night out, it drained me. We spent the morning lounging in jammies, playing pretend and switching out skirts and shorts for corduroys and smartwools in our drawers. While it's always fun to lounge and be a bit productive, I just needed something else this morning, and I'm not sure what.

I've found that lately I have avoided writing on these days. For all that I proclaim bravery and speaking the truth I prefer to put my best foot forward on here, to remember the good stuff, the fun stuff, the exceptional stuff. The beauty of a blog is the ability to paint a portrait of yourself that you admire, of the person you want other people to see. At the same time I fear becoming one of "those" people, the ones who claim perfection and exception all the time. I of course am not one of "them".

I'm coming off of a good streak. Despite almost preschooler and nearly toddler antics the girls have been wonderful. Playing has become so effortless and misunderstandings and frustrations are much fewer and further between, and of course cuteness and preciousness is always in abundance. While our new schedule is tiring it is great having things to do and places to be.

Still, when I stop to think about life, the BIG picture, I am overwhelmed. We have been living in this state of limbo for so long that it has become our new normal. In the next couple of years we face some real big decisions, potential changes. Quite frankly I feel done with change. I really like where life is at right now and I resent having to even consider it not being like this. I know it can potentially get easier, better even, but I simply cannot imagine it. I feel like my head is exploding with the possibilities.

A favorite blogger of mine wrote recently...

"I talked with a friend last night about how wild it is that when one is at the age of having small children, it is also when money is tight and creative endeavors are high. It is when days are the fullest and the most work needs to be done. This precious time when our kids are young and with us all the time is also a precious time of digging into growing careers and adventure. It is like, how many life-changing, important balls can we juggle at one time? Aw, hell, let's add another." (digthischickmt.com)

Life is just SO crazy right now. The girls naps rarely overlap (if they nap at all) and now that Ainsley doesn't fall asleep until at least 9 I have literally NO time to myself in a day. I am just drained. There is so much that I want to do. I have SO many THINGS that I want to MAKE, BOOKS to READ, WORDS to WRITE. Then when I do find a free moment I am too tired to DO anything about all that passion and desire. Quite frankly it sucks.

Perhaps I boast about my productive free time (as rare as it happens) and my occasional amazing multitasking (again, sporadic at best) because it's all I have. The days when I can create with and for the girls, make wholesome food for my family, scrub out the bathtub, nurture my marriage AND my soul? now that's a day worth writing about.

Today is a day of getting by, enjoying my family, but secretly wishing for a bit of a break, a bit of time to be just me, not mom or wife or household CEO. Someday I'll get there. Just not today. Today I write to be ok with that.

I leave you with another great excerpt from the above blogger (seriously, you need to check her out if you haven't)

"Several times, I studied the room, pulsing with the intense, happy energy of hundreds of women with varying passions and influences, united by one thing: we are moms. My village. Breast or formula-fed, public or private school, epidural or incense, soda pop or carrot juice, circumcised or not, cloth or disposable…eh. We are moms. We love our kids so much, we are so committed to raising compassionate, strong, self-aware humans, that we are prioritizing time away from our kids to ensure we are good models of compassion, strength and self-awareness.

I left the event having fed the pieces of me that existed before motherhood, but of course, it’s different now that all I am is within motherhood. Not that I am held hostage by being a mama, rather my everything is dancing around and through being a mama. It was a good way to spend the day before Mother’s Day. It was thirst-quenching and inspiring to be surrounded by all that greatness."

Today I could use a little of that greatness and inspiration. Today I feel totally held hostage and miss those pre mama pieces of me, or at least the ability to cultivate them. So tonight I sit tired, worn out, defeated, knowing that tomorrow is another day, another chance to make it all happen. And if nothing else I am raising two girls, helping them form and thrive and someday I'll have the time I need for me again. I just really hope it's soon.

I know happy photos don't really "go" with this post...but we all need a little sunshine...even on the gloomiest of days...

The state of our home at morning's end...can you tell I was DONE?!?

Louise had similar feeling about the day as I did...I think poor baby is teething again

Rest assurred we ended the day with full bellies, sleeping girls and a clean house. Tomorrow's looking up already.