33 Weeks

3 FULL weeks since the news, 3 FULL weeks on bedrest, I'm actually surprised at how fast it's gone by.

The first week was a blur. Doctors visits, an ultrasound downtown, 4 trips to the hospital for steroid shots and countless hours of anxiety and near panic wore me down. I actually lost a few pounds that week.

After the initial shock wore off things calmed down. I started to slowly get into a routine and learned how to keep my mind occupied with thoughts other than "the baby's going to be born premature" and "I'm completely traumatized".

Ainsley has been amazing through this all. She is at that age where she learns something new everyday and even in the 3 weeks since this all went down she has grown so much. She is still very into telling elaborate "stories" complete with hand gestures, usually about the "pool" and "outside". She loves mimicking the sprayers that she runs through and the splashes that she makes. She asks vehemently for her "fff-fire" (pacifier) and "nahnah" (blankie) and has recently become fascinated with the whole going to the bathroom in the toilet thing. Once the baby is here and I can be mobile again we may just have to start potty training. I get lots of kisses and snuggles and it's been so fun to watch her grow from a different vantage point.

Of course everything on bedrest isn't peaches and roses. My body HURTS. It's hard to find a comfortable position to lay in and moving around at all is painful. I can tell that my lower ab muscles are completely shot as when I do get up to walk around I typically have to hold my belly from underneath to avoid feeling like the baby is going to fall out of me. I'm still having a fair amount of rather painless contractions. I actually had a scare Thursday when they started right when I got up at 6am and continued ALL day at anywhere from 4-9 minutes apart. Luckily I was able to relax enough after a bath to take a little nap, which I was told by the midwives is a sure sign that it was false and not real labor. All the same it was scary after almost 2 weeks of feeling great.

Even though I am 33 weeks, I've had the steroid shots, and the baby is around 4.5 lbs I am still terrified of her coming early. Each day I get more and more confident that we will at least make it to a point where she is big enough to be born at the local hospital (not downtown), that I will get to hold her right away and feed her on my own. One more week until that, hopeful, milestone!

I still am in awe that we've made it this long. When everyone's telling you to prepare for a premature birth and baby it's hard to have a lot of hope but we've made it this far, only 4 weeks until full term! Good thing I finally ordered all of that yarn to keep at least my hands busy.

Things Loved in July

I skipped June because while I had started the post I just never got around to fine tuning and it ended up being a bunch of food related things anyways (surprise surprise?)

1.Squish Pillows

My mom got me a small one (see below) that I use ALL the time to prop my belly up when I'm lying down ALL the time and it's amazing. I was a bit worried at first when Ainsley was acting a tidge territorial of it, she was after all the one who bought it with Grammy at Bed Bath and Beyond on one of their many outings. She quickly learned that it was not in fact hers and I've been enjoying it ever since. My dad brought a second one from Minnesota (sorry Julie, I believe it was "borrowed" from your room) that's longer like a body pillow and amazing for sleeping at night.

2. DVR

I seriously can't imagine my current bed rest life without it. I watch mostly TLC (the overdose of wedding related shows gave me a weird dream the other night about Ian's and my wedding prompting me to cut back) the Travel Channel (oh how I love Samantha Brown) and the Food Network (Ina Garten and Giada make me salivate over dishes I won't get to try out for months). I've also started utilizing OnDemand to catch up on back episodes of shows like Top Chef and other Bravo shows I'd rather not admit to getting hooked on. Hey I'm on bedrest! You can't judge.

3. Sims3

While I still haven't mastered gameplay I've spent many hours, yes hours, creating Sims and homes and have rekindled my love for this game (thanks Kelly again for the amazing expansion packs). My only real issue is finding a comfortable way to play on the computer for long periods of time while lying down. Tricky tricky.

4. Kleen Kanteen

Attempting to stay uber hydrated and keep Ainsley out of trouble with a huge full water glass lying around has proved interesting. We've had more than a few spills as she's obsessed with drinking "by aself" from my, or anyone's, cup. I bought this a few months back and have loved it ever since. When Ainsley and I used to get out together (it feels like ages ago) I needed only bring this one water bottle instead of one for me and her as she could drink out of it with ease without making a huge mess. Now I just keep it filled and on the coffee table so if she does attempt to drink it or in my late pregnancy clumsiness I knock it over it's no big deal. Oh, AND I can actually drink from it while lying down, another big plus.

5. Peaches!

As I've been laying down all day eating is one of my new main hobbies and let me tell you it's HARD to be good, especially when a certain mother satiates a major chocolate craving by buying the HUGE bag of fun sized chocolate candy from Costco (thanks mom!). It's been equally hard to miss out on the farmers markets these past few weeks to oggle over the fresh produce. Thankfully my mom has kept our food supply in no short supply of amazing fresh fruit and I've been eating a TON. I've had my first few perfect peaches of the season, amazing blueberries and raspberries, cantaloupe and cherries. At least I'll be up and about for apple season!

6. My Mom

This month warrants an extra "thing loved". More than once Ian and I have looked at each other and said "how could we do this without her?" This being me lying on the couch, Ian still being able to go to work and Ainsley being kept occupied and happy. Simple, we couldn't. Even if Ian could take a leave of absence from work life would be vastly different and much more stressful without my mom here. She is Ainsley's new best friend, she cooks every night and keeps the house put together. Just having her here has given us both such piece of mind. Thanks mom!

One Day At A Time

One of the biggest challenges of my life thus far has been to take things one day at a time. My mom, and now Ian can vouch for the fact that I am a person CONSTANTLY looking forward to the next thing. In Winter I can't wait for that trip to Florida and spring flowers and rain, in Spring I itch for the farmers market to be in full blast and for a week at the lake, in Summer I long for Fall and the baking, apples and crisp sweater weather, in Fall I start to anticipate the holidays and making snowmen. Perhaps this is just how I am wired but I have a really hard time focusing on the present and the gifts of today.

Perhaps it's not such a bad thing to look forward. In situations like I am now it helps to fast forward 3 months in my head and envision me holding our healthy baby girl (no matter how she ends up entering the world). When the present is not ideal it is calming to look forward and know that everything will turn out right in the end.

However for my day to day sanity and survival I NEED to focus on today. Today is just one more day to lay on this couch and be as calm and productive as I can in that respect. I can't look forward one week (next Drs appt) or two (34 weeks!) or 5 (full term!) because most of the time that seems SO far away. It's depressing. But today I can do.

Today I am going to sew the pieces of the baby's matinee jacket together. I am going to keep plugging away at the baby blanket. I am going to finally commit to some yarn for new Christmas stockings for the girls (I found a much more size/time appropriate pattern...Ainsley's will have to become a wall hanging or something) and a fall sweater for Ainsley. I am going to snuggle with my little girl, if she'll let me, watch some Friday Night Lights with my mom (oh so good even the second time around) and perhaps even get a start on filling out the baby book that arrived in the mail a few days ago. I am going to watch Ainsley's face light up when Ian suggests going to the pool this afternoon. I am going to beam watching what a good dad he is and what an amazing woman my mom is as they take care of everything around this house.

Even though I'm not where I thought I would be had you asked me a few months ago, I am so blessed to have today, just as it is.

Unrelated but fun nonetheless.

32 weeks

My mom took Ainsley to go see her parents (my grandparents, Ainsley's great grandparents) up in Winnetka this morning. She called when they got there and they're having a blast playing and should be back by lunchtime. I've spent the morning continuing to work on some knitting and reminiscing.

As the birth of this baby grows closer and closer I am getting very nostalgic for the early days/weeks/months with Ainsley. I am conveniently overlooking all of the spit up, blown out diapers, sore nipples, long/late nights, and crying spells to focus on all of the wonderful sweet moments.

Part of my anxiety about the possible early delivery of baby #2 has been missing out on those first critical moments that I had with Ainsley. Being able to hold her on my bare chest just after she was born and then feed her for the first time, wrap her in a snug blanket and sleep with her all night, staring into her eyes, holding her tiny hands, playing with her feet and kissing her sweet cheeks. I feel now like I took it all for granted the first time around.

Ian finally put all of the photos he's taken from his iPhone onto my computer and I have had such a blast looking through them. He got his iPhone for his birthday last year which means there are a ton of photos that I've never seen all the way back from when Ainsley was 6 months old. I've already forgotten how little she was, how sweet and pudgy her arms looked, how big and brown her eyes looked with NO hair on her head. Every time I look at her now I am struck by how big she is getting. It is truly amazing how quickly she is growing up.

I wonder what this baby will look like. Ainsley seems to be a pretty good mix of both Ian and I. Will she get Ian's eyes and my darker coloring? Will she be a bit more "substantial" (like her mom :o) or slight like Ainsley? Ian and I would like to think that she is going to be a tank and in a few years will overtake Ainsley, although with her temperament I don't know that size would phase her much anyways.

I think Ainsley is going to be a great big sister. She is so nurturing with other babies and LOVES to be a big girl helper with me, and now Grammy. She has regressed a little bit just in the past few days to wanting, no NEEDING her nana (blankie) and pacifier a lot and has been a lot more fussy and cuddly. Again, she knows that something is different and truthfully I'm glad for the heads up for her. I can't imagine how this all would have worked had we just disappeared in the middle of the night and shown up the next day with a brand new baby. It's a blessing that she doesn't really understand, and a burden all at the same time.

My sister asked me to post some videos of Ainsley and while I don't have any REALLY recent ones, here are a few that Ian put on my computer this morning.

I don't think it worked. I'll trouble shoot with Ian when he gets home.

On the Sunny Side of the Street

After the last post I vowed to write again when I was feeling more optimistic. Of course I waited too long and the two days of relative calm that I've had are now ending with another night of worry (lots of lower back pain tonight, no contractions though).

STILL, my attempt is to recall that calm and focus on the positive. Clearly worrying constantly doesn't help.

My mom has been amazing (have I mentioned this yet?) She is not only watching Ainsley from 8-5:30 while Ian's at work, but she cooks, cleans, organizes, the woman has even tiled our backsplash in the kitchen for us. (The white penny tile ended up being a good choice. It looks amazing, fits with the age of the house, AND at$4 a square foot, was quite the deal.) She has taken Ainsley out every morning to do errands, whether it be groceries, the fabric store, or Gap and Old Navy (where she's spoiled both Ainsley and I with some new items - thank heavens for comfy pants during bedrest!) Every afternoon they either go out back to play in the giraffe pool, up the street in the wagon to the park, or the 15 minute walk to the park by our old apartment with the splash zone. Ainsley is so in love and I think now will be double traumatized by the addition of a new sister AND her Grammy leaving. I'm glad they've gotten along so swimmingly.

As for Ainsley herself, she is growing up SO fast. Lying on the couch and observing her I've been able to see her from a whole new perspective. She is talking so much. Every condiment is now "salsa" which is hilarious when what she wants is clearly a stick of butter. You need only say "do you want to go outside?" and she dives into all her outside words as if marking off a checklist, "shoes, pool, outside" then she turns to me and promptly says "bye bye!" with a casual wave. In the morning she immediately asks for a "bar" and then wants to see "dada" or "mama" depending on who gets her up. The cutest new development is that she'll run up to you and hug your leg and say "happy!" or at least we think she's saying happy. She also says "abby" ALL the time and none of us have any idea what she means.

She signs very little now and when I sign to her she only answers in words. She is also getting her old Ainsley temperament back. She screams a lot and has started throwing little tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants or is frustrated. Ian and I are still figuring out how to handle this. Luckily for now they are still few and far between. Plus I feel like I need to cut her some slack. She may by 18 months old, but she's no fool. She knows that something is up and while she's dealt really well with everything so far you can tell the change of pace may be wearing on her a bit. She's being such a trooper.

As for me, I'm starting to finally settle down into my new roll as couch potato. Ian downloaded the Sims onto my new computer, including the new expansion pack my sister sent and I spent the afternoon making quite the awesome marsh bungalow. I've already knitted a pair of preemie sized booties and a hat both to get the knitting juices flowing and for piece of mind just in case. I take comfort in the fact that if we have a teeny tiny baby in the near future I can at least put something homemade on her right away. I'm continuing to work on the matinee jacket for the new baby and her baby blanket. I'm going to look online for some yarn to make Ainsley's fall sweater and GINORMOUS Christmas stocking #2 for the new baby (to match the one I made Ainsley).

I finally bit the bullet and packed a hospital bag. While I'm not superstitious I was hesitant/in denial until recently but would rather be prepared in the event that we need to go. I am 32 weeks on Friday and have an appointment with the midwives in the morning. 32 weeks was my next big goal after getting all of the bad news a little over a week ago so I'm feeling more hopeful than ever. If I make it that far I've at least proved the one test wrong which I'm hoping will give me a much needed boost of confidence. I still can't get over how worried I was being put on bedrest with Ainsley at 34 weeks and now it's all I'm praying for.

The baby is anywhere from 3.5-4 pounds and growing every day. My sister told me that 1 day in the womb is equivalent to 3 on the outside so on the really hard days I know that every hour is counting. I don't think I've ever prayed so much in my life or been so thankful for all of the support and for God choosing to answer my prayers, at least for the time being.

One of the hardest parts of all of this, besides the worrying, laying down, and guilt, is switching gears from being SO excited to meet our new little girl to being terrified that she's coming too soon. I am mourning the loss of a normal pregnancy, getting to waddle around town and show off my tweedle dee striped swimsuit at the pool. I know it is of course for the best possible reason, but it's hard nonetheless.

Thank you everyone again for all of the kind thoughts, prayers, and support. We're doing well and I'll keep you posted.

Up and Down

Day 6 of bedrest. I really shouldn't start a count.

My mom's birthday was yesterday. My Aunt and cousin came down to drop off delicious dinner and dessert. My dad came into town as well to celebrate.

I have so much guilt. Guilt about taking my mom away from her life in Minnesota, for who knows how long. Guilt about somehow feeling responsible for putting the baby in danger, for not for foreseeing this happening.

This is just so hard. As supportive as everyone has been, and as low key as the doctors and midwives try to be I just can't get out of my head. I am a wreck. I am so wrought with worry that every braxton hicks is going to turn into full labor, or at least progress me further to that point. The baby isn't moving enough, something must be wrong. The baby is moving too much, I'm afraid she's going to try and kick her way out. I question every back pain, cramp, twinge, kick, sensation. It is utterly exhausting. And I'm only 6 days in.

On top of it all, I can't be a good mom to Ainsley. She got sick last night and I was able to hold her and snuggle for a while, but my stomach started seizing up and I got anxious and Ian had to take over. It breaks my heart that I can't be her mom in the way that she's used to. I know she's so little and won't remember this, but I will.

It's just hard and i needed to vent.

I still have faith and hope that this baby won't come for a long while yet. I think I'm partly still in denial though too. This is just a down bit I know. I'm hoping things will be looking up again soon.

Bedrest Update

Yesterday my mom got into town. What a blessing. She has not only single handedly been taking care of Ainsley, but cooking, cleaning, and organizing our embarrassingly disarrayed house.

Thank goodness for her help, especially in the past two days as Ian and I have had a lot going on.

I met with the midwives collaborative OB/GYN yesterday. I was annoyed after waiting for an hour to see her (this is one of the MANY reasons I love the midwives, no waiting, and MAJOR apologies if there ever is one) but the meeting couldn't have gone more smoothly. She was optimistic and positive and I felt calm for the first time in days after leaving her office.

She did recommend that I get a series of steroid shots (I can't remember the name or spell it for the life of me) to help speed up the baby's lung production should she be born early. So Ian and I had to scoot over to the hospital. I was admitted, the baby was monitored and I got my first steroid shot (huge needle, in the butt, thought I was going to simultaneously throw up and faint when I stood up afterwards) and we went home (total time for doctor and hospital 4 hours!). I got my second one this morning, and will get the remaining two this evening and tomorrow morning.

It's been quite the whirlwind. Part of why I chose the midwives to start with was the whole non-medical personalized approach. I really dislike doctors offices and hospitals. My heart rate and blood pressure shoot up, and I get more contractions while I'm there and for hours after leaving because of the stress. Right now I feel great, but I dread going back in 6 hours to do it all over again.

I am hoping that after tomorrow morning's last shot/hospital visit I can finally calm down for good and just settle into my little space on the couch and enjoy all the wonderful goodies my sisters and mom sent me to keep me occupied (books, movies, magazines etc.). I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so much support and love. It's been hard to keep calm and stay positive at times but knowing the support that we have is amazing.

Thank you!