Longing

The kitchen redo is done (well 95%), the curtains and pictures have been hung, many nights have been spent learning the creeks and moans of our new house. I love our house. I have said this before and will say it again. I just can't shake the part of me that wishes that our

first home could be at "home", in Minnesota.

Let me start by proclaiming how lucky I am. Ian found a school relatively close to "home"*. He could have ended up in numerous places around the country but he didn't, he ended up here. Still I

think I mistook Chicago for being more similar to Minnesota than it is. Minnesota nice had never occurred to me before living here and smiling at strangers on a walk and having them look you up and down as if to say "what the heck does she want?" instead of responding with a grin.

I am a person who very much needs to feel at home*. I left Indiana because it did not feel like home. Conversely I knew I had to go to St. Olaf because the whole campus felt like home. All of our apartments and now house in Oak Park have eventually felt like home and while parts of Oak Park feel like home, most of the area does

not. I feel out of place wherever I go, and very alone.

I'm realizing that the most important parts of home are not the

decorations, furniture or paint colors, but the people. I took for granted that I had so many wonderful people in my life and now, while still a phone call away, they are not nearly as close as I need them.

Sure I would love to have someone to watch Ainsley for an hour so I could go work out or go grocery shopping without her trying to jump out of the cart. But mostly, I just want companionship. Adult

companionship. I have found some great people here but our meetings are so few and far between. And when I really need someone, like the time both Ian and I were struck with terrible stomach flu, I feel uncomfortable calling the few friends I have.

I feel like it would be easier to make new friends if I had the comfort and security of having good friends and family close already. I am now that desperate mom searching for any 2 minute connection, like a 45 year old on speed dating. The truth is, while those 2 minute connections at the library or park are satisfying for the moment they don't come close to satiating my need for true companionship. I miss those effortless relationships with old friends. I miss being able to pop home for dinners or just to say hi.

I feel stuck right now like finding good friends here is going to be so hard. Like everyone already has their "posse" set up and I am the

only one alone for the ride. I know tomorrow, or maybe Monday, will be better. I just wish someone would go ahead and invent teleportation and make my life a whole lot more bearable.

*"home" as in Minnesota, home as in the figurative feeling of home.

To end on a happier note, here are some recent photos of 13 month old Ainsley and the house.

Back in the Saddle Again

After nearly two months of moving, renovating, decorating, shopping, wrapping, planning, travelling, and celebrating I finally feel ready, and excited to re-enter the "real world".

It's bizarre to think that my version of the real world keeps changing. In childhood it was my parents home, dance parties before bed and weekends playing with friends. In college it was a dorm room shared with friends and a glass of wine before bed. In marriage it's been numerous apartments, grocery shopping, trips to the farmers markets and resale shops. Living in a house, our home, now gives me a new constant that I haven't had in a very long time. It feels GOOD!

I LOVE our new house. More every morning when I wake up, more every time I come back from an errand, more with each new crack I find in the 85 year old plaster walls. True love.

The kitchen renovation is 95% complete thanks almost entirely to my amazingly talented Uncle, dad, and family members. It looks so great. I'll post some pictures once we get the backsplash up (the last 5%). I finally put paintings up and photos on ledges. Even though a few rooms will still get painted I couldn't wait any longer. It's really starting to come together.

Ainsley is as kantankerous as ever. She did amazingly well on our almost 2 week trip to MN for Christmas, her birthday, and baptism. It was quite the trip.

I cannot believe that my baby is one year old. I kept telling people that I finally realize why mom's have this urge to re-live the birth of their child at their birthdays. While it's of course their day it's yours too. I sat there on Christmas Eve (Ainsley's birthday) watching her smash cake in her face and rip open presents with a huge grin on her face remembering her birth one year ago. Not in the traumatic, pain ridden way. No, I remembered meeting my daughter for the first time. Watching her emerge in the tub and be swiftly and gently placed on my bare chest. The midwife counting her fingers and toes. Somehow moving to the bed and feeding her for the first time. Sleeping with her nestled between Ian and I in the queen sized bed. All of those months of anticipation, and weeks of worry on bedrest, culminating in these perfect moments. The moments that Ian and I truly became a family. It was just the most amazing time of my life.

Even when I've had the roughest day with Ainsley, those days when she will not nap, or eat, or sit down for 1 second, I miss her when she goes to sleep. I want to sneak upstairs and nudge her awake just to kiss her soft baby cheek one more time and hear her heartwarming laugh. I want Ian to turn on his crazy old timey music one more time and watch her bob up and down and sway side to side, dancing. I want to chase her around the dining room table listening to her squeal with delight as I almost catch her, but not quite. I want to watch her babble into the phone for hours on end talking to who knows about who knows what. I want to grab her and hold her for the 2 seconds that she'll let me before squirming away, only to run back up to me with her arms outstretched. She's growing up so fast.

I don't know that I will ever get over how definitive Ainsley's personality has been since birth. I truly feel that she is this whole little person just slowly unveiling her intentions and self as she sees fit. I have been blessed to be chosen to be here to watch her learn and grow and love her almost to death. I'm tearing up just thinking about my love and pride for that little girl.

Tomorrow when I'm not feeling so sentimental I'll tell you about how she ran around the library today screaming in happiness, taking books away from 2 year olds and grabbing their faces. Now that's my girl.

It's December WHAT?!?!

Sooo, I knew that time would fly between Thanksgiving and Christmas. What with the remodel, move and all that comes with the two but I truly cannot believe that we are heading back to Minnesota in 3 days for Christmas, and of course, Ainsley's first birthday (better known to the world as Christmas Eve). I just can't believe it.

So much has been accomplished in the past few weeks. We may still not have the dishwasher hooked up or the sink plumbing in place, but other than that things are pretty well put together. Cabinets up, new floor down, paint on the walls, countertops and sink in. After figuring out how to put up a backsplash, put down some toe kicks and mount handles on the drawers (a seemingly simple task that is proving IMPOSSIBLE!) we are home free.

Even with the kitchen not quite finished we have settled so easily into our new home. The calm of being in our own place, doing the laundry when we want, jumping around to loud music when we want, having quiet when Ainsley is napping and sleeping, going to bed without the roar of late night television blaring through the floorboards, is priceless. Ok, maybe not priceless, but definitely worth the price. I am already envisioning the vegetable garden in the backyard this spring and traipsing with Ainsley up the street to the park and pool. Every morning we sip our coffee and watch children scurry off to the elementary school 3 blocks away and business people bundle up for the trainride downtown while Ainsley tells us all about her dreams "dadathethismama". It's quite the life, I must say.

But in my blinding love of our new house and life I have slacked off in the past week and am paying the price now. I was WIPED and I do mean WIPED out after the renovation and move. After the essentials were unpacked, main living spaces and Ainsley's room suitable for use I shut down. Ainsley and I spent a week going for short walks in the cold, getting really well aquainted with the living room, and eating meals from boxes from the freezer. Not my proudest week. But I think it was good to take a break in the midst of the madness and let our new house comfort us and relax us until we (and by we I mean I) were ready to take action again.

This weekend has been and will continue to be filled with laundry, packing, shopping, and do-it-yourselfing. I work best this way. A few days off, a few days of madness.

I am SO excited to go home for Chrismtas I can hardly stand it. I love that we own a home now in Illinois and I still call Minnesota home.

I can't belive that my baby is going to be 1 in less than a week. A year ago I was huge as a whale praying that she would come either before or after Christmas and of course, being Ainsley, she chose to come when it was most convenient for her. I've loved trying to think of ways to make her birthday special and not just another Christmas Eve. Birthday brunch was the fruit of my labors. I am most excited for the three layer mini cake I'm going to make for her to smash and the presents that I've worked so hard to make for her that I know she'll pass over for the wrapping paper. She is growing up so fast and I try so hard to cherish every day.

I am so blessed with a wonderful family, a comfortable home, and lots of reasons to celebrate. Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Ainsley!

Ahhhhh!!!!

So...we closed on our house last Friday. Luckily a friendly real estate agent loved Ainsley and watched her while Ian and I signed oodles of papers. It really was a fun experience. Great people, free coffee, lots of checks to write and lots of KEYS. All in all, a good experience. Then we drove to our new house (Ahhhh!!!!!), double checked that all of the locks were in place and drove straight to St. Paul, MN for our first stop for Thanksgiving break.
We had a great Thanksgiving. 9 whole days of family, food, and more food. Ainsley is really coming out of her shell. She is "talking" ALL the time and almost running now she walks so fast. I can hardly believe how big she is getting, right in front of my eyes. She is, in general, happy, active and oh so sweet and cute. I just love that baby and am so proud of her.
We are so blessed that our two families get along. Ian's family came to mine for the big meal and we had a blast. What could be better than turkey, potatoes, stuffing, gravy, rolls, pie, and Cranium with hats? Oh, and the Carol Burnette show.
We came back to IL on Sunday, unpacked, went to bed, and the mayhem began. yesterday I spent 3 hours with Ainsley at our empty house getting a ridiculously high estimate for a relatively minor heating duct job and the delivery of our IKEA cabinets. My parents arrived in the afternoon (in case I forgot to mention my amazing parents are driving 7 hours each way just to work their patooties off in our house and watch Ainsley for the next week+) and we proceeded to pack some boxes and make a Home Depot run with my dad.
Today we woke up and had a normal morning until my parents arrived with bagels to start the day of demolition. In ONE day we have accomplished SO much. The cabinets were demo-ed in minutes and are presently in the garage awaiting pick up. The cabinets are assembled minus doors, shelves and dawers (to be completed tomorrow). The kitchen is spackled, caulked, sanded and painted ready for re-assemply and everyone is in good spirits.
I am on cloud nine. I have been so nervous about this whole kitchen remodle, pretty much since I realize that we were going to do one months ago. But now it is all coming together and I know that at the end we will have a beautiful, functional, AMAZING kitchen that my family and I put together. Cross your fingers that the rest of the week goes as smoothly as today!

More Nostalgia

Okay, this has to be brief because Ian's waiting for me to proofread his grant that's due tomorrow (even though I assured him that while I was an English major proofreading was never my strong suit) but I want to write something nonetheless.
I was just sitting here knitting, watching a show, and was struck with the memories of childhood triumphs.
Let me back up a bit. One of the hardest things about being a mom, for me, has been the lack of acknowledgment, no that's not quite right, the lack of esteem that I get from my daily activites. In college if I worked really hard on a paper (or didn't) and got an A it felt great. I felt accomplished, smart, a bit proud even. It's been a long time since I've felt that way. I miss feeling GOOD at something.
Going back to childhood, some of my proudest moments were (hold back the laughter) dance recitals. I played sports (petrified of batting and never scored a goal) and took piano lessons (my hands shook at recitals) but dance was the one real thing I felt I was good at. Now mind you I was not good. Once it got past the point where just memorizing the routine qualified you for the front row and fuetes became more important I got the shaft, but when that music came on something just felt right when I moved. I knwo how bizarre this all sounds, but I miss that feeling. Waiting in the wings all dolled up, smelling a fart because some nervous girl had poofed (never me of course). Then the previous number exits, the lights go low,the audience quites in anticipation as we prance out to our spots on stage. Then the music comes on and...MAGIC.
It's strange now how someting that used to bring me so much joy has left my life completely. I miss that feeling. Taking a bow and knowing that you did the best that you could, and you at least didn't look like a fool.
I always feel like a fool now. I've worked my whole life to be good at certain things, and now none of them matter. All that matters is that I take care of this little beautiful kantankerous baby girl, keep her alive, and happy. It sounds easy, but it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I never know if I've done enough, if I've gotten an A for the day, or heck, a B- would be good most days. There's no one to tell you that you did a good job, that you're doing the right thing. I miss that certainty. Perhaps I should take up math as a hobby. There's always a right answer there.
We close on our house in two days. I can hardly wait!

Oh Happy Day

Dear Blog,
I am feeling joyous, thankful, blessed, and inspired. A rare, and, of course, welcome combination of emotions. In 5 days Ian and I will own our first home together. We can paint the front stoop whatever color we chose and plant a flowering tree in the backyard (just for you Ian). I can hardly wait.
I love Sunday nights. I know for most it is a night of trepidation preparing for Monday and theworkweek ahead. For me it is a night filled with my favorite TV shows (I'm not ashamed to admit) a glass (or two) of red wine and a couch shared with one of my two favorite people in the world.
Perhaps it's the wine, or the ever emotional and talking-to-my life Brothers and Sisters ( I love this show, so reminds me of my own family minus the hot French boyfriend and the gay brother), but I am feeling rather nostalgic tonight. While I love my life today and yesterday and tomorrow, I do miss days that have passed. Pajama dressing races with my sisters and dance parties before bed. Christmases when I still believed in Santa Claus and that my dolls came to life when I put them to bed at night. College and the friends that I made there. I am reminded tonight of sitting at my computer writing endless English essays praying that Bil would come distract me or Sara from next door. I remember walking across campus to meet John for dinner and always a fun night out and of course Ian and his quirky ways. It's amazing how life can change in a few short years.
The other night Ian and I went out for our first evening date since Ainsley was born. I know, you think it's pathetic, but I'm a stay at home mom with no need (or money) for a babysitter and with the closest family members 45 minutes away by car the opportunity just hasn't presented itself. We were sitting in the car on our way out to the St. Albert's Day dinner honoring all Loyola Science grad students and faculty trying to recall how our lives were before Ainsley, and having a hard time remembering.
I felt so proud of Ian last night. I always do, in the back of my mind behind my pride for Ainsley and myself that I was able to clean the toilet AND make dinner in one day. He is truly amazing. I was sitting there listening to the speakers talk about the importance of scientific research in adding years onto peoples lives and improving the quality of the years that we have and I was taken aback. This is my husband that is doing these amazing things. While I am changing diapers, singing the Itsty Bitsy Spider on round and playing at the park, Ian is changing lives. I am proud of my husband.
As for Ainsley, I am of course proud and in awe. I have felt so stressed out lately with all of the things to do in regards to moving and she has kept me grounded. I look at her little sweet face and I can't help but forget the troubles of the world. My one main regret with her thus far is that I don't feel that I apprecitate her enough. Somedays I am just trying to get by and go from one hour to the next without going crazy. I neglect to notice her new sound or newfound confidence in walking. She is getting so big, not just physically but in the person that she will someday become. It boggles my mind to think that just months ago she was an adorable baby blob needing only food, sleep and cuddling to survive. Now she has opinions and a temperment and a voice that needs to be heard. I wonder who she will be in one year, two, five. Will she have an odd obession with horses, or outerspace, or sparkly things. Whil she want to be an illustrator like her mom or a scientist like her dad, or most likely, something completely of her own design.
Goodness, I am so blessed in my life and while this week will prove to be chaotic and overwhelming I can only hope to keep my eye on these many blessings.

Before I Go To Bed

It's after 10 and Ainsley went to sleep at 6:30 so writing a blog post is definitely NOT what I should be doing right now. But my heart is racing and I don't think I can fall asleep just yet.

Life has just been one thing after the other lately. Marriage, moving to a new city, new job, new apartment, baby, new house. I wonder if this cycle of "newness" ever ends? I suppose new is good, but I have never been one to deal with change well. When I was feeling overly anxious after Ian and I first got married people chuckled when I gave my response to "has anything changed in your life?"

While it's normal to feel anxious and on edge at times of change, it doesn't make me feel any less so. I feel like I've just started to get used to how life is and then BOOM. Ainsley starts walking, we find the perfect house minus a dishwasher so what would be a simple kitchen upgrade turns into a complete re haul. I feel like life has just gotten more and more complicated, which is the exact opposite of how I want to live. I am mostly stressing out right now about not having a kitchen for a good month when we first move in, right before the holidays no less. We hardly eat out once a month let alone every meal. I seriously may lose sleep over this tonight.

And the physical moving aspect could just put me right over the edge. Last week I went in search of free boxes and while somehow managing to collect 10 while simultaneously pushing Ainsley in the stroller it hit me...this is going to suck. Big time. I can't pack even one box without Ainsley trying to crawl into it, or stand up on it, or my personal favorite, pull everything that I just packed out of it. Now yes this is a bit cute and funny, ONCE. But over and over? I may go insane. And now that our precious 10 month old baby girl has decided that she not only needs a mere one nap a day, but that nap will be NO longer than 45 minutes I officially have time to perhaps eat a sandwich and change the laundry around before she decides it's play time again.

On top of all of this I am just anxious for the change. I know that I love the house and that we will be so happy there. I just can't imagine getting through the next month and actually being there. I know that it will happen. I just don't know how sometimes.

Off to bed or I'm really going to regret staying up this late (yes 10:16 is late, I've been up since 5).