I'm So Excited

I'm pregnant again, if you haven't already read on facebook. It feels so great to have the news out and get all of the great support and congratulations from people. The first few weeks are always such an interesting time filled with joy, anticipation, and a tidge of hesitation. Now that the world knows it feels so much more real, well that and the fact that I couldn't button the top button of my snowpants this past week in Montana.

So far I have felt really good. I can't tell if it's just that this time around I have a 14 month old running around hence WAY less time to sit around thinking about how nauseaus and exhausted I feel or that I actually just feel great. On the weekends I tend to crash pretty hard because Ian is around to watch Ainsley so I take advantage of rest time.

I am getting anxious about getting big again. I feel like I was just getting used to being my old self again and here we go! I am thrilled though. Ian and I have both always wanted a. a big family and b. children close together. We didn't want Ainsley getting too used to the idea that she gets all the attention, she's a girl that would run with that in a big way.

Montana was amazing. I skiied twice (no worries, at the speeds I was going my worst injury would be from a yawn) went for a mountain jog, and went snowshoeing. While there was more snow than Chicago it was BEAUTIFUL. Blue skies, fresh snowcapped mountains, log cabins. I love Montana. I hope to get out there is in the summer sometime to take advantage of hiking and rafting.

Next on the docket is a trip to Sanibel. This will be Ian's first time experiencing the wonder that is southwest Florida. I am already salivating over the fried grouper sandwich at Grandma Dots and the fresh grapefruit and beach jogs in the morning. Now if only I can still fit into some of my summer clothes.

I can't wait to see what the coming months and weeks bring. We have been so blessed and I can only imagine what God has in store for us.

Some Thoughts

Disclaimer: Please don't judge me for the ranting to follow. I'm only human.

So...Ainsley is napping, good girl, and I've had a few things on my mind lately that I need to vent about. True, I should be doing any number or things on my to do list to get ready to leave for Big Sky in two days, but I have my priorities.

I am feeling a bit miffed at the moment. While for the most part I have enjoyed the little blogging that I do and reading other new mom's thoughts, every once in a while I come across something that I have a very strong, and negative reaction to. Here comes the venting.

While pre-Ainsley I was completely opposed to gushing about the wonder of your child I understand now the pride that every parent feels for their child and their whole hearted belief that their child/children are the best, brightest, and most loved. I still hold strongly that these opinions should be mostly kept to oneself because as every parent (hopefully) feels this way about their children it would make sense that sharing this with every other parent would become problematic. I've learned to accept that there are some parents that just can't help but relate every little accomplishment but there is one thing I am VERY sensitive about and don't feel that I tolerate well at all: Ainsley's temperament.

If you haven't met Ainsley let me break it down for you as briefly as I can. Before Ainsley was even born I knew we were going to be dealing with a cantankerous child. After she was born, and I mean immediately, my hunch was confirmed. When I was put on bedrest assured that I would have Ainsley weeks early the midwife checking me each week was amazed that she hadn't come yet saying, "just wait, this one knows exactly when she wants to be born watch out for her! I'm thinking New Years day or Christmas." Lo and behold, Christmas Eve was the day Ainsley chose.

Ainsley has always had a LOUD voice, and let it be heard. The term "sassafrass" came to mind early on. She cried for most of the first six months of her life and while she mellowed considerably once she started being mobile (walking at 9 months) she is still a handful. Don't get me wrong, I would have it no other way. The hardest thing for me to come to terms with though is that I have SO LITTLE control over her temperament.

She is amazing and wonderful but she is who she is and she has been since birth. These mom's with these mellow happy babies claiming that their loving, breast fed only, minimally medicated ways are to thank DRIVE ME NUTS!!! I spent hours making Ainsley homemade organic baby food just to have her spit it out and throw it on the floor. I breast fed her solely for nearly 8 months until I was in tears about the decision to put her on formula because I just couldn't keep up with her needs. I use cloth diapers to be gentle on her cute bum. I stay at home with her all day singing her songs, reading her books, dancing and laughing. She is still a sassafrass. A wonderful, outspoken, zipping around the room exploring sassafrass. The fact that any parent would think that I am to blame for the fact that my child won't sit still for more than 2 seconds or screams when she's upset infuriates me. We all do our best and are given such a gift in each child. To think that you can choose who your child is going to be is absurd in my opinion. You take the wonderful gift that God has given you and you do with it the best that you can, hoping to instill morals, values, a sense of purpose and love in your child.

In short, I love my daughter and would change not one thing about her, but that doesn't mean that I don't hold out hope that God will choose for us next time a child a bit more "low-key"

Whew! That felt good.

And one more thing...PLEASE never tell a parent who's child's birthday is on or near a holiday "poor thing...they are going to have such a rough time". HELLO!!! Anyone who has ever had a baby knows that you have NO control over when your baby comes (if you're having a natural birth). If I hear one more time how awful it is for Ainsley to have her birthday on Christmas Eve I am going to either break down or flip out (same thing?) It is what it is and I can assure you that myself and my wonderful family and friends have and will continue to do everything we can to make her birthday as special as any other child's birthday.

Double Whew.

With that off my chest hopefully I can focus on packing, cleaning, and running last minute errands for Big Sky. I am SO excited to get out of Chicago for a week and breath in some fresh mountain air.

New Shoes

This Saturday marks the near end of a fairly good week. While Ainsley and I didn't make it out as much as I would have liked (thanks sporadic snow storms and blustery winds) the days seemed full and for the most part, happy.

That little girl grows on me more every day. She is so entertaining and loving. While she still won't snuggle for more than 3 seconds, she'll run over and rest her head on my lap or pat my head. I'll take any affection I can get.

She's entering the new phase of bringing me every little thing that she finds and then promptly taking is back with a look that says "why would you take my stuff?"..."uh, because you gave it to me sassy pants." She's quite the kick.

While talking on the phone, "reading" to herself, and climbing EVERYTHING are still her favorites she can now descend the stairs unassisted, "brush" her teeth (she shakes her head rather than move her hand side to side) unzip her clothes and take them off, do the sign for milk and sort a few of the shapes in her shape sorter.

I will show her how to do something once and no matter how difficult it is she will at least attempt to mimic it. She gets REALLY frustrated when she can't do something (Ian's child much?) so problem solving is something we're working on. This week I asked her to bring me a book and she did! She then picked up her own favorite book, turned around, and backed up into my lap. Every day she has her own agenda. When she wants to go out she grabs her coat and puts her hood on to show me she'd like to GO OUT PLEASE! When she's hungry or thirsty she tells me and when she wants to go to sleep she finds the nearest pillow or stuffed animal and burries her face in it. It's hard to believe just months ago she was a little blob unable to communicate. I'm almost glad she's not talking too much yet. I don't know that I could handle it!

I bought Ainsley a new pair of shoes this week after much deliberation. We're going to Florida in a month and she needed some good walking sandals, but of course I wanted them to be cute as well. I found these on zappos and when they arrived and I took them out Ainsley immediately grabbed them, sat down in her stocking feet and held out her new shoes to me so that I could put them on. She hasn't wanted them off since. A girl after my own heart.

So far this weekend has been filled with paying bills, filling out taxes, emailing and making calls to book showings for the apartment, and showing the apartment. I'm ready for a nap already. I hope at some point adult life allows for some fun! Once the apartment is rented, finally! and all of the little house things are taken care of I'm hoping I can relax more. I am so looking forward to going to Montana in a week and Florida in March. I am ready to get out of this gloom and have some fun with family.

Here is a picture of Ainsley's new shoes. Pretty cute huh? I wish they came in my size.

Longing

The kitchen redo is done (well 95%), the curtains and pictures have been hung, many nights have been spent learning the creeks and moans of our new house. I love our house. I have said this before and will say it again. I just can't shake the part of me that wishes that our

first home could be at "home", in Minnesota.

Let me start by proclaiming how lucky I am. Ian found a school relatively close to "home"*. He could have ended up in numerous places around the country but he didn't, he ended up here. Still I

think I mistook Chicago for being more similar to Minnesota than it is. Minnesota nice had never occurred to me before living here and smiling at strangers on a walk and having them look you up and down as if to say "what the heck does she want?" instead of responding with a grin.

I am a person who very much needs to feel at home*. I left Indiana because it did not feel like home. Conversely I knew I had to go to St. Olaf because the whole campus felt like home. All of our apartments and now house in Oak Park have eventually felt like home and while parts of Oak Park feel like home, most of the area does

not. I feel out of place wherever I go, and very alone.

I'm realizing that the most important parts of home are not the

decorations, furniture or paint colors, but the people. I took for granted that I had so many wonderful people in my life and now, while still a phone call away, they are not nearly as close as I need them.

Sure I would love to have someone to watch Ainsley for an hour so I could go work out or go grocery shopping without her trying to jump out of the cart. But mostly, I just want companionship. Adult

companionship. I have found some great people here but our meetings are so few and far between. And when I really need someone, like the time both Ian and I were struck with terrible stomach flu, I feel uncomfortable calling the few friends I have.

I feel like it would be easier to make new friends if I had the comfort and security of having good friends and family close already. I am now that desperate mom searching for any 2 minute connection, like a 45 year old on speed dating. The truth is, while those 2 minute connections at the library or park are satisfying for the moment they don't come close to satiating my need for true companionship. I miss those effortless relationships with old friends. I miss being able to pop home for dinners or just to say hi.

I feel stuck right now like finding good friends here is going to be so hard. Like everyone already has their "posse" set up and I am the

only one alone for the ride. I know tomorrow, or maybe Monday, will be better. I just wish someone would go ahead and invent teleportation and make my life a whole lot more bearable.

*"home" as in Minnesota, home as in the figurative feeling of home.

To end on a happier note, here are some recent photos of 13 month old Ainsley and the house.

Back in the Saddle Again

After nearly two months of moving, renovating, decorating, shopping, wrapping, planning, travelling, and celebrating I finally feel ready, and excited to re-enter the "real world".

It's bizarre to think that my version of the real world keeps changing. In childhood it was my parents home, dance parties before bed and weekends playing with friends. In college it was a dorm room shared with friends and a glass of wine before bed. In marriage it's been numerous apartments, grocery shopping, trips to the farmers markets and resale shops. Living in a house, our home, now gives me a new constant that I haven't had in a very long time. It feels GOOD!

I LOVE our new house. More every morning when I wake up, more every time I come back from an errand, more with each new crack I find in the 85 year old plaster walls. True love.

The kitchen renovation is 95% complete thanks almost entirely to my amazingly talented Uncle, dad, and family members. It looks so great. I'll post some pictures once we get the backsplash up (the last 5%). I finally put paintings up and photos on ledges. Even though a few rooms will still get painted I couldn't wait any longer. It's really starting to come together.

Ainsley is as kantankerous as ever. She did amazingly well on our almost 2 week trip to MN for Christmas, her birthday, and baptism. It was quite the trip.

I cannot believe that my baby is one year old. I kept telling people that I finally realize why mom's have this urge to re-live the birth of their child at their birthdays. While it's of course their day it's yours too. I sat there on Christmas Eve (Ainsley's birthday) watching her smash cake in her face and rip open presents with a huge grin on her face remembering her birth one year ago. Not in the traumatic, pain ridden way. No, I remembered meeting my daughter for the first time. Watching her emerge in the tub and be swiftly and gently placed on my bare chest. The midwife counting her fingers and toes. Somehow moving to the bed and feeding her for the first time. Sleeping with her nestled between Ian and I in the queen sized bed. All of those months of anticipation, and weeks of worry on bedrest, culminating in these perfect moments. The moments that Ian and I truly became a family. It was just the most amazing time of my life.

Even when I've had the roughest day with Ainsley, those days when she will not nap, or eat, or sit down for 1 second, I miss her when she goes to sleep. I want to sneak upstairs and nudge her awake just to kiss her soft baby cheek one more time and hear her heartwarming laugh. I want Ian to turn on his crazy old timey music one more time and watch her bob up and down and sway side to side, dancing. I want to chase her around the dining room table listening to her squeal with delight as I almost catch her, but not quite. I want to watch her babble into the phone for hours on end talking to who knows about who knows what. I want to grab her and hold her for the 2 seconds that she'll let me before squirming away, only to run back up to me with her arms outstretched. She's growing up so fast.

I don't know that I will ever get over how definitive Ainsley's personality has been since birth. I truly feel that she is this whole little person just slowly unveiling her intentions and self as she sees fit. I have been blessed to be chosen to be here to watch her learn and grow and love her almost to death. I'm tearing up just thinking about my love and pride for that little girl.

Tomorrow when I'm not feeling so sentimental I'll tell you about how she ran around the library today screaming in happiness, taking books away from 2 year olds and grabbing their faces. Now that's my girl.

It's December WHAT?!?!

Sooo, I knew that time would fly between Thanksgiving and Christmas. What with the remodel, move and all that comes with the two but I truly cannot believe that we are heading back to Minnesota in 3 days for Christmas, and of course, Ainsley's first birthday (better known to the world as Christmas Eve). I just can't believe it.

So much has been accomplished in the past few weeks. We may still not have the dishwasher hooked up or the sink plumbing in place, but other than that things are pretty well put together. Cabinets up, new floor down, paint on the walls, countertops and sink in. After figuring out how to put up a backsplash, put down some toe kicks and mount handles on the drawers (a seemingly simple task that is proving IMPOSSIBLE!) we are home free.

Even with the kitchen not quite finished we have settled so easily into our new home. The calm of being in our own place, doing the laundry when we want, jumping around to loud music when we want, having quiet when Ainsley is napping and sleeping, going to bed without the roar of late night television blaring through the floorboards, is priceless. Ok, maybe not priceless, but definitely worth the price. I am already envisioning the vegetable garden in the backyard this spring and traipsing with Ainsley up the street to the park and pool. Every morning we sip our coffee and watch children scurry off to the elementary school 3 blocks away and business people bundle up for the trainride downtown while Ainsley tells us all about her dreams "dadathethismama". It's quite the life, I must say.

But in my blinding love of our new house and life I have slacked off in the past week and am paying the price now. I was WIPED and I do mean WIPED out after the renovation and move. After the essentials were unpacked, main living spaces and Ainsley's room suitable for use I shut down. Ainsley and I spent a week going for short walks in the cold, getting really well aquainted with the living room, and eating meals from boxes from the freezer. Not my proudest week. But I think it was good to take a break in the midst of the madness and let our new house comfort us and relax us until we (and by we I mean I) were ready to take action again.

This weekend has been and will continue to be filled with laundry, packing, shopping, and do-it-yourselfing. I work best this way. A few days off, a few days of madness.

I am SO excited to go home for Chrismtas I can hardly stand it. I love that we own a home now in Illinois and I still call Minnesota home.

I can't belive that my baby is going to be 1 in less than a week. A year ago I was huge as a whale praying that she would come either before or after Christmas and of course, being Ainsley, she chose to come when it was most convenient for her. I've loved trying to think of ways to make her birthday special and not just another Christmas Eve. Birthday brunch was the fruit of my labors. I am most excited for the three layer mini cake I'm going to make for her to smash and the presents that I've worked so hard to make for her that I know she'll pass over for the wrapping paper. She is growing up so fast and I try so hard to cherish every day.

I am so blessed with a wonderful family, a comfortable home, and lots of reasons to celebrate. Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Ainsley!

Ahhhhh!!!!

So...we closed on our house last Friday. Luckily a friendly real estate agent loved Ainsley and watched her while Ian and I signed oodles of papers. It really was a fun experience. Great people, free coffee, lots of checks to write and lots of KEYS. All in all, a good experience. Then we drove to our new house (Ahhhh!!!!!), double checked that all of the locks were in place and drove straight to St. Paul, MN for our first stop for Thanksgiving break.
We had a great Thanksgiving. 9 whole days of family, food, and more food. Ainsley is really coming out of her shell. She is "talking" ALL the time and almost running now she walks so fast. I can hardly believe how big she is getting, right in front of my eyes. She is, in general, happy, active and oh so sweet and cute. I just love that baby and am so proud of her.
We are so blessed that our two families get along. Ian's family came to mine for the big meal and we had a blast. What could be better than turkey, potatoes, stuffing, gravy, rolls, pie, and Cranium with hats? Oh, and the Carol Burnette show.
We came back to IL on Sunday, unpacked, went to bed, and the mayhem began. yesterday I spent 3 hours with Ainsley at our empty house getting a ridiculously high estimate for a relatively minor heating duct job and the delivery of our IKEA cabinets. My parents arrived in the afternoon (in case I forgot to mention my amazing parents are driving 7 hours each way just to work their patooties off in our house and watch Ainsley for the next week+) and we proceeded to pack some boxes and make a Home Depot run with my dad.
Today we woke up and had a normal morning until my parents arrived with bagels to start the day of demolition. In ONE day we have accomplished SO much. The cabinets were demo-ed in minutes and are presently in the garage awaiting pick up. The cabinets are assembled minus doors, shelves and dawers (to be completed tomorrow). The kitchen is spackled, caulked, sanded and painted ready for re-assemply and everyone is in good spirits.
I am on cloud nine. I have been so nervous about this whole kitchen remodle, pretty much since I realize that we were going to do one months ago. But now it is all coming together and I know that at the end we will have a beautiful, functional, AMAZING kitchen that my family and I put together. Cross your fingers that the rest of the week goes as smoothly as today!