If We Hold On Together

 Somehow it's September.  I never thought it would come.  It has come, but it's strange and new and while I'm thankful for it, it doesn't feel quite right.

If I had my perfect way we'd ride this out in a yurt up north or out west.  We'd haul provisions for weeks at a time down dirt roads and hunker down.  I'd teach the kids with the giant stacks of paper backs I've aquired over the years and pencils and paper and tiny sharpeners that fit in our hands. We'd pass the time playing board and card games while I make endless fires and knit and knit and knit.

But we can't do that.  Ian needs internet for his job that pays for everything.  I'm not confident enough in myself to actually dive into the unschool homeschool that I crave deep in my bones.  So we're here. Our kids are in person at the small private school up the road that I love more than I care to admit and I'm teaching 4 year olds wondering what kindergarten will look like next fall.

Life has never been as uncertain as it has been these past 6 months.  There are no definites.  I don't know when this will be over or how things will look when it is.  Our new normal seems to change every few weeks and adapting is exhausting. 

I am not by nature a flexible person.  I crave reliability.  In this new world there is none of that and I've developed a small case of PTSD from opening shocking emails.  School cancelled, school gone to remote learning, pastor leaving at church, new pastor, new pastor leaving for chemical depency relapse, old pastor coming back (!!!), new beloved teacher leaving two weeks into school for unknown family and medical reasons...these are BIG things. Things that almost never happened BEFORE.  

Because there is a before.  A time before all of this that remains so clear and untainted in my mind. I almost can't remember what that felt like.  Now everything has changed and it will remain changed always.

I continue to hope fervently that these changes are mostly for the good.  We as adults are SO reliant on childcare and school.  Why? Why is it so disarming that a child might miss a few months of school? Why are we so anal about it all?

If anything through all of this I try to learn the lesson that the big things are all that matters.  Our health, our lives, our love for each other.  

It is excruciating to not hug my preschoolers, my friends, shake hands with new families at school, smile and know that no one can see it under my mask.

BUT! I have my family and we are holding on.

I pray that you are holding on too.