A Strange New Summer

Somehow it's already July.  We've so settled into this new normal of being at home that the days continue to melt into each other.  Every morning at breakfast Felix asks what days it is.  Every day Louise tries to remember.  Is it a weekend? Weekday?  Ian heading down to the basement at 6:30 for work is our only true indication.  Otherwise it's all the same.

I'm off and on still oddly thankful for this intense togetherness.  If I'm being honest running kids back and forth to activities and keeping schedules is not my favorite.  Sometimes that life feels like it's just passing the time.  Now I am acutely aware of time, learning every day how to fill it well, how to teach my children to fill it well.  It's such a challenge, but one I'm loving off and on.

We made it home from our 5th cabin trip of the season last week.  This one was just two days and nights to celebrate a cousins birthday.  I somehow felt brave and brought the dog along, then another cousin joined for the 4 hour ride up so it was me and 5 others in our van. 

I never plan for car entertainment well.  After driving for so many years from Chicago and back (Montana and back, Florida and back) this jaunt up north feels so quick to me.  Still, I went through every CD I had in the car finding songs to sing along to with the kids, quelling tiny arguments over the one ipad shareage.  We made it.

This past week since getting home has been one of the quietest we'd had. My across the street sister and family stayed up north longer so it was just us here to celebrate Ian turning 36 (finally catching up to me) and the 4th.  It felt wonderful to celebrate Ian at home, us 5.  I'd bought a kringle at Trader Joes for breakfast and planned on ordering Indian food for dinner.  We greeted him with presents first thing in the morning, over coffee, his favorite. On the 4th we had Ian's immediate family over in the backyard, kids playing in the mini pool with water balloons, adults sipping sparkling waters on the lawn.  We grilled for lunch and everyone brought sides.  Strawberry cream pie for dessert, a handful of raspberries from the garden thrown in because I'm putting raspberries in everything this year.  Sparklers on the driveway rounded out the day.

I honestly didn't' feel like celebrating our country.  I didn't last year either.  I don't feel very proud to be an American right now.  I am surrounded by so many wonderful good people who are working for change and speaking out.  I am by nature a rule follower and a peacemaker (to a great fault).  Still trying to find my voice and my role in all of this.  I'm so lucky to have the space and time to figure that out.

My time this past week has mostly been spent finally weeding and remulching some of our gardens.  I don't know what lit that fire in me to finally do it, but it happened and I've spent three nearly full days on that giant task.  It feels so good to get that well underway.

Yesterday I crashed after spending those days out in the heat working.  The weather apps promised rain that never came.  We played games and watched a movie and I did lots of laundry and made shrimp scampi for dinner. 

Today I want to get the kids out but it's so hot.  Again.  I think I'll take them to the farmers market.  I have to brave the mall for some returns.  I wish I could bring the girls just to get out.  I wish we could go to the pool. I wish they'd had their summer camps with friends.  I wish I was preparing for VBS right now.  It would have been Ainsley's last year.  I'm sad for that for her.  Another end of another era. 

We continue to move forward in this strange new life.  We continue to grieve all of the losses while trying to remain grateful for what we still have.  Somedays we relish in the togetherness and the abundance of time.  Others we grieve and worry about what the future looks like.

When this all first started it felt impossible that it would last this long, but here we are, wondering about school in the fall, worrying anew about juggling jobs and children when the time comes.  Thankful right now for these long summer days where the biggest decision is beach or backyard.  Still in this with you friends.