Hey guys. I'm tired.
I shouldn't be tired. I just got back from a 5 day amazing* trip with my husband.
*Just to be clear amazing includes panic attacks attacks and annoyance with him never waiting for me at a crosswalks. But it also includes margaritas and no one yelling at me for whole days at a time.
We got back and it was go time, as I'm realizing it always is with growing kids and a needy dog and a 3000+ sq ft house and a half acre yard (the WEEEEEEEDS!!!!!!) I so struggle to balance the needs of the home and what I feel is "the stuff that really matters". I can let laundry go for a while and close the kids doors when their rooms get atrocious and not vacuum EVERY day until the dog hair gets totally overwhelming, but at some point shit has to get done right? I hate looking back and realizing my day was mostly dumb chores and ignoring the kids.
It's actually been very freeing to accept this as my job though. There are lots of day I know PAID working people don't like their jobs. They have a dumb deadline or a pointless meeting or training or a stupid coworker they have to listen to daily. My job is of course very different but I definitely have days I just need to suffer through. Life.
The harder realization for me is that I'm at my best when we're not so busy. We had a few days this past week that weren't full at all. We were just able to sink into the rhythm of an unstructured day together and I loved that so much. I took the kids swimming and we ran a few quick errands. We tidied up the treehouse and I read to them with blankets sprawled on the floor. The girls rekindled their love of playing with their dolls and Felix got really into his sticker books. When we're running around we just can't find those big stretches of time to get all of that done.
Cue dread about fall. This spring was so sparse activity wise and I kind of loved it. The girls' dance studio had closed so their big activity was out and no one wanted to do a spring sport but Felix (and 5 weeks of 1 hour a week t ball is just the kind of spring sport commitment I love). But now they all want to do everything. Felix and Louise want ju-jitsu and gymnastics and soccer. Louise and Ainsley want 4 dance classes each at a new studio, Ainsley's taking up viola and Felix and Louise are doing piano (taught by me, so super chill but still...). With Wednesday church this is going to leave us almost no free afternoons and that worries me. I love when they get off the bus and we can just be. A leisurely snack, homework out of the way asap. I guess in reality I know they are so tuckered from structure from the day that they're not usually up for mom's projects and ideas anyways. I hope it all goes well.
The phrase "this isn't in any parenting books" keeps going through my head. We have to make SO many decisions as parents that it feels impossible not to second guess or become paralyzed by the options. There is a peace in realizing that there probably is no perfect way to do anything. I let my kids dictate maybe more than they should, but I figure at least they're learning how to decide things for themselves. So wish me luck this fall!!!
Thursday, August 9, 2018
Summer Solstice
The hippy in me always wishes I celebrated the solstices more. I mean any excuse for a celebration right? Perhaps a late night bonfire or a baking of sun bread, SOMETHING. At least I mentioned it to the kids right?
Despite it only being the first true day of summer we are surely already in the thick of it. This week is the first full summer whammy with no camps or classes and just us 4, 10 hours a day. To make it even more interesting it rained the first three days of the week taking parks and beaches and bike rides out of the mix.
It's been alright. The kids fill their days on their own mostly. I orchestrate meals and crafts sometimes but other than that they're off. It's weird and sad to be in this stage of life. I'm not good with change. I'm trying and praying I make peace with it soon.
For now I'm leaning on what I know which is diving into my own making and planning the bits I know the kids will glom onto.
I'm suddenly wanting to change everything about the first floor of our home. After painting nearly every room at the end of the winter I now want new couches, consoles, coffee tables, rugs, art, shelves. Of course to get this all at once is a tad cost prohibitive so I'm having fun searching and planning.
For now I'm focusing on what I can do relatively cost free. I got this idea to make a ladder bookshelf for our living room and mere minutes later I spotted an old wooden painting ladder in a neighbor's dumpster bag. I knocked and asked for it. He WALKED IT TO OUR HOUSE FOR ME. Today I found scrap wood for shelves and borrowed a sander from my dad and bought stain and screws. I'm so pumped for that shelf.
Other than that I'm focusing on the art. I have two paintings to finish but am feeling like the house is pretty "Becky's paintings" heavy already so in looking for alternatives I found an idea to use a hula hoop as a giant circular loom and am excited to try out some weaving for the brick wall above the fireplace.
I don't know what's spurred it but my creative side is exploding and there simply aren't enough hours in the day anymore.
Aside from my personal to do goals I find my children are always so present in my mind. They have all grown up so much and I find myself having to write down their current interests and passions just to keep it all straight.
Ainsley is as vivacious as ever. Tonight when she was supposed to be getting in the car getting buckled she was instead pogo sticking on the driveway. (keep in mind this was after a LONG day of not listening) Me: "So do you just not know the right thing to do, or do you not care? It has to be one of those two". A: "Oh, I just don't care". AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! This kid drives me WILD just about every 10 minutes. So wild that I can find it hard to remember the good stuff a lot of the time. Tonight I'm thinking about her resilience, how all it takes from me is a sincere I love you and a bear hug and she still melts into my arms. She's SO into chemistry. She's still super into her dolls. They always have injuries and ailments, always. She still mostly doesn't read much (yet tests in the 90th percentile for her age :oP) She prefers non fiction like the Guinness Book of World Records or Chicken Soup for the Preteen Soul. We got in a drag down fight at the library about her wanting a Jodie Picoult novel and sex and love and me saying NO WAY!!!! Also she stole my new razor and hid it in her room because she's desperate to shave her legs. I can't make this stuff up guys.
Ainsley loves to create and make and always has a plan. She loves her friends and wishes she was old enough to stay home alone. She's looking so old to me and gorgeous and it's terrifying and heartbreaking, but I guess it's the way of it. Hoping for a good summer with my girl.
I can hardly belive that Louise is going to be in upper elementary next year. She's not even 8 yet!!!! But third grade it is and I am so thankful that I have no worries with her and school. She loves to do work. If I motivate to make a list she'll check off each box until they are all done. She's my little reader and I almost regret showing her how to request books at the library. She has her nose in at least 3 or 4 at a time. She's sticking tight to her proclamation that she will never get married or have children and just wants to be an artist living above our garage. I'm secretly putting pennies a jar for that apartment girl, I'd love that too. She could draw and write and play and laugh all day. She is so deliciously innocent and young and I just want to bottle her up.
Felix is still my sweet little rambunctious guy. He is super easy going yet somehow VERY opinionated all at once. He is so ready for school next year but my heart breaks for him because he loved preschool and his friends so much and all that is changing for him. He's the first of my three to really latch on to friends so young. He's had playdate after playdate this summer. I can drop him off anywhere and he's happy as a clam. He's such a breath of fresh air after all the emotions and worries I deal with with my other two. I catch myself feeling so very sad about him going to school because I loved our time together so much these past few years. We had three whole years where it was just us two after preschool. I didn't have that with either of the girls. Everytime I see a caribou I'm going to miss him begging me for mango smoothie and everytime I go workout I'm going to miss having him to pick up after. It's the end of an era for me as a mom and for Felix and I as a duo. That feels hard right now.
I hope this midsummer finds you all well. I am so thankful for the weeks ahead before the hustle and bustle of school.
Despite it only being the first true day of summer we are surely already in the thick of it. This week is the first full summer whammy with no camps or classes and just us 4, 10 hours a day. To make it even more interesting it rained the first three days of the week taking parks and beaches and bike rides out of the mix.
It's been alright. The kids fill their days on their own mostly. I orchestrate meals and crafts sometimes but other than that they're off. It's weird and sad to be in this stage of life. I'm not good with change. I'm trying and praying I make peace with it soon.
For now I'm leaning on what I know which is diving into my own making and planning the bits I know the kids will glom onto.
I'm suddenly wanting to change everything about the first floor of our home. After painting nearly every room at the end of the winter I now want new couches, consoles, coffee tables, rugs, art, shelves. Of course to get this all at once is a tad cost prohibitive so I'm having fun searching and planning.
For now I'm focusing on what I can do relatively cost free. I got this idea to make a ladder bookshelf for our living room and mere minutes later I spotted an old wooden painting ladder in a neighbor's dumpster bag. I knocked and asked for it. He WALKED IT TO OUR HOUSE FOR ME. Today I found scrap wood for shelves and borrowed a sander from my dad and bought stain and screws. I'm so pumped for that shelf.
Other than that I'm focusing on the art. I have two paintings to finish but am feeling like the house is pretty "Becky's paintings" heavy already so in looking for alternatives I found an idea to use a hula hoop as a giant circular loom and am excited to try out some weaving for the brick wall above the fireplace.
I don't know what's spurred it but my creative side is exploding and there simply aren't enough hours in the day anymore.
Aside from my personal to do goals I find my children are always so present in my mind. They have all grown up so much and I find myself having to write down their current interests and passions just to keep it all straight.
Ainsley is as vivacious as ever. Tonight when she was supposed to be getting in the car getting buckled she was instead pogo sticking on the driveway. (keep in mind this was after a LONG day of not listening) Me: "So do you just not know the right thing to do, or do you not care? It has to be one of those two". A: "Oh, I just don't care". AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! This kid drives me WILD just about every 10 minutes. So wild that I can find it hard to remember the good stuff a lot of the time. Tonight I'm thinking about her resilience, how all it takes from me is a sincere I love you and a bear hug and she still melts into my arms. She's SO into chemistry. She's still super into her dolls. They always have injuries and ailments, always. She still mostly doesn't read much (yet tests in the 90th percentile for her age :oP) She prefers non fiction like the Guinness Book of World Records or Chicken Soup for the Preteen Soul. We got in a drag down fight at the library about her wanting a Jodie Picoult novel and sex and love and me saying NO WAY!!!! Also she stole my new razor and hid it in her room because she's desperate to shave her legs. I can't make this stuff up guys.
Ainsley loves to create and make and always has a plan. She loves her friends and wishes she was old enough to stay home alone. She's looking so old to me and gorgeous and it's terrifying and heartbreaking, but I guess it's the way of it. Hoping for a good summer with my girl.
I can hardly belive that Louise is going to be in upper elementary next year. She's not even 8 yet!!!! But third grade it is and I am so thankful that I have no worries with her and school. She loves to do work. If I motivate to make a list she'll check off each box until they are all done. She's my little reader and I almost regret showing her how to request books at the library. She has her nose in at least 3 or 4 at a time. She's sticking tight to her proclamation that she will never get married or have children and just wants to be an artist living above our garage. I'm secretly putting pennies a jar for that apartment girl, I'd love that too. She could draw and write and play and laugh all day. She is so deliciously innocent and young and I just want to bottle her up.
Felix is still my sweet little rambunctious guy. He is super easy going yet somehow VERY opinionated all at once. He is so ready for school next year but my heart breaks for him because he loved preschool and his friends so much and all that is changing for him. He's the first of my three to really latch on to friends so young. He's had playdate after playdate this summer. I can drop him off anywhere and he's happy as a clam. He's such a breath of fresh air after all the emotions and worries I deal with with my other two. I catch myself feeling so very sad about him going to school because I loved our time together so much these past few years. We had three whole years where it was just us two after preschool. I didn't have that with either of the girls. Everytime I see a caribou I'm going to miss him begging me for mango smoothie and everytime I go workout I'm going to miss having him to pick up after. It's the end of an era for me as a mom and for Felix and I as a duo. That feels hard right now.
I hope this midsummer finds you all well. I am so thankful for the weeks ahead before the hustle and bustle of school.
First Summer Days
The kids haven't even been out of school a week and already it feels like full blown summer. Our summers look a bit different every year. Each year I try to tweak it to get it just right. Each summer I think maybe THIS is the summer where I strike the perfect balance between weeks of camps and glorious free time.
This year Louise wanted nothing to do with camps outside of church so she's in drama camp (this week) and VBS (last week of July). Ainsley is doing her first 4 day overnight camp in August and another week of day camp+an overnight in July, in addition to the two church camps. Felix is doing VBS and two weeks of preschool camp. Thrown in there as well are two 10 day trips to the cabin and one 5 day trip for Ian and I to the Cape and Boston, SANS children.
I think this summer I may have hit the jackpot.
This summer my baby is 5. He can swim and bike and takes really good care of himself. I can sew inside while they play outside and only check on them every 20 minutes or so. Alternatively they are all young enough that they vie for position on my lap on a picnic blanket when we start a new book together. I've been sad lately about leaving the preschool years behind, but maybe this new stage is the best yet in it's own way?
I was more nervous about this summer than any other summer. I knew I'd be juggling friends over and kids over at friends and squabbles and drama. My three all have BIG personalities and while they can play well together it always ends in loudness and disagreements. BUT! The beauty of seasoned parenthood is having tricks up my sleeves that I don't bat an eye about. Slip n slide, bike rides, nature walks, getting OUT. It always reboots us. I'm thankful to be on turf that I know so well, with standbys from my childhood still there.
This summer my goal is to settle. Not in the sense of being ok with the mundane, but in looking around us and just leaning in to what we have here. One thing I've noticed since moving here is I've gotten in the habit of shopping during my free time. If I had an extra half our before preschool pickup I'd peruse the thrift shop or Target. I've gone through the Caribou drive through more times than I'd like to admit out of convenience. I often think of how different life was in Oak Park. How I used to make myself walk my errands with a double stroller and tiny biker or baby wearer in tow. I used to go days between going to a store. I got such a thrill out of just thriving on what we already had. Now here I am with a chest freezer, full pantry and exploding garden and I still can't thin k of a thing to make for dinner some nights. The devil of convenience in the suburbs is real.
I had just gotten used to Oak Park and settled into our way of life and then we had to reboot again. I had a girl who really struggled with our move and truth be told I struggled too. Change is my achilles heel.
But the whole summer is ahead of us. I hope it's one to remember.
This year Louise wanted nothing to do with camps outside of church so she's in drama camp (this week) and VBS (last week of July). Ainsley is doing her first 4 day overnight camp in August and another week of day camp+an overnight in July, in addition to the two church camps. Felix is doing VBS and two weeks of preschool camp. Thrown in there as well are two 10 day trips to the cabin and one 5 day trip for Ian and I to the Cape and Boston, SANS children.
I think this summer I may have hit the jackpot.
This summer my baby is 5. He can swim and bike and takes really good care of himself. I can sew inside while they play outside and only check on them every 20 minutes or so. Alternatively they are all young enough that they vie for position on my lap on a picnic blanket when we start a new book together. I've been sad lately about leaving the preschool years behind, but maybe this new stage is the best yet in it's own way?
I was more nervous about this summer than any other summer. I knew I'd be juggling friends over and kids over at friends and squabbles and drama. My three all have BIG personalities and while they can play well together it always ends in loudness and disagreements. BUT! The beauty of seasoned parenthood is having tricks up my sleeves that I don't bat an eye about. Slip n slide, bike rides, nature walks, getting OUT. It always reboots us. I'm thankful to be on turf that I know so well, with standbys from my childhood still there.
This summer my goal is to settle. Not in the sense of being ok with the mundane, but in looking around us and just leaning in to what we have here. One thing I've noticed since moving here is I've gotten in the habit of shopping during my free time. If I had an extra half our before preschool pickup I'd peruse the thrift shop or Target. I've gone through the Caribou drive through more times than I'd like to admit out of convenience. I often think of how different life was in Oak Park. How I used to make myself walk my errands with a double stroller and tiny biker or baby wearer in tow. I used to go days between going to a store. I got such a thrill out of just thriving on what we already had. Now here I am with a chest freezer, full pantry and exploding garden and I still can't thin k of a thing to make for dinner some nights. The devil of convenience in the suburbs is real.
I had just gotten used to Oak Park and settled into our way of life and then we had to reboot again. I had a girl who really struggled with our move and truth be told I struggled too. Change is my achilles heel.
But the whole summer is ahead of us. I hope it's one to remember.
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