Fall Reel

This morning I took Felix to Musikgarten.  I was absolutely not feeling it all, still thankful to have somewhere to go, someone else to direct play with my little guy, on this dreary morning.

It's our second session of class.  Every class thus far my sweet boy has snuggled calmly on my lap, soaking it all in.  He has been gentle, clingy even.  I realized this morning that it's the one place I really still feel his babyness. He needs me in that class and I love it so much.

This morning was different.  He turned some corner today and became this rambunctious little creature.  Running around, flopping himself down, giggling wildly.  I didn't mind terribly, he wasn't being that disruptive, but it was different.  It's sent me reeling.

I was waiting for the fall time crash to come.  It always does.
I try to stay away from my computer in times like these.  I find the chipper oversharing on social media too much to handle when I'm down.  Like every post is pointing at me saying "you're failing you know that?" It's like 7th grade lunch period all over again.

I try to see dissatisfaction as a challenge, as ammunition to change.  But change what?  Part of my issue in this moment is feeling bogged down by this life I have chosen, caring for my children all day, it's left me with so little of myself.
Then I write that I think, what am I saying?  I have always been a caregiver.  It's was I do best, it's what I love.  When I think of what I'd be doing if I wasn't doing this, well, it'd be caring for someone else.  Teaching, nannying, caring for the elderly.  My panic comes from feeling like I need to be doing more, now, and simultaneously feeling like I'm not doing what I am doing right.  Then I read things like this and talk to friends and family and am reminded that we all feel this, not matter what our life choices have been.

Subconsciously, I think I had these glowing ideals when they were little, this belief that I would do it better, that I had learned from what I believed were the mistakes of my parents.  That I wouldn’t make those same mistakes.  I’d get it right.  Yeah, right.  There was a turning point somewhere in these last few years when I woke up and realized that I was going to make bigger parenting mistakes than, say,  starting solids too soon, with greater consequences.  When I realized that I would have to accept both my flaws and theirs.  The tricky part is refusing to stop trying to get it right, in the face of the knowledge that you won’t. - Ginny Sheller, Small Things

Accepting my flaws and theirs.  This is so huge for me right now.

I am sinking into the sadness of my children growing today.  Growing can feel scary and hard.  I'm trying to let that sadness and scariness flow into acceptance, then thankfulness.  I get to be here every moment with them and while I realize a bit more every day how much I've given up to do that I am thankful for it still.
Today I try to accept them for who they are, and myself for who I am (now that I know much better who all of us are).  And this is one of the greatest gifts of growing isn't it?  Being us, accepting others, living together in joy and pain and confusion and hope?
Well, I think so.  Today I rejoice in all that.