What a Day

Today has been ridiculously hilariously seriously, bad.

To start with were the normal "iffy" morning signs.  Too little sleep for me, rambunctious stir crazy kids on a rainy day, a house that didn't get picked up and put away like it should have last night.

Then there was the big stuff.  The hour it took to get the kids out the door to double drs appts.  NO close spots to be found.  Lugging Felix in his carseat while the girls meandered freely in the opposite direction.  Check in for the appt, show our new insurance cards, find that the insurance company put the wrong dr as our primary for our new hmo insurance.  After 15 minutes of trying to find a loophole we couldn't so we left in favor of figuring it out at home and rescheduling.  Louise LOST it.  Seriously?  Do you know any kids who fall into the depths of despair when they CAN'T see the doctor?  Rain opens up the moment we leave, Louise will not follow.  I have to carry her and the carseat to the car (thank goodness Ainsley was on her game, I don't know what I would have done otherwise).  I break down to Ian on the phone once we get in the car.  Felix is losing it in the backseat, he HATES the car.  Louise is rubbing the mud from her shoes all over the pristine seats I just detailed myself, yesterday.  Somehow we get home, get in the house.  More mud and meandering of course.  I get grilled cheese and tomato soup made.  The girls eat.  They don't rest.  Felix nurses and falls asleep.  I put on sweats and plunk the girls in the basement and turn on Wreck it Ralph for the second time in 5 days.

I feel like a complete failure.  Every hour I try to start a new.  Put on a fresh face and try my best to be energetic and creatives and willing.  Today I just can't.  I'm having one of those thisistoomuchwhatwerewethinkingimdrowninghere days.  Big time.

So I'm on here.  Reading what we were up to last time this year and the year before that.  Trying to find a little piece of that old mom me that I used to be.  Trying to cut myself the slack I need to not hate who I feel like I've become.

Yuck.

I used to end posts with what I'm thankful for right?  Maybe I'll try that.

Today I'm thankful for the rain, even if we did get a bit wet, hoping for the motivation to get out in it later with boots and umbrellas and puddles and mud.  I'm thankful for Ainsley who is learning to read me well and who truly is doing her best to help me out.  I'm thankful for Louise, whose job today seems to be to test me, keep me on my toes.  I'm thankful for Felix who decided the day was right for extra smiles and big naps.  I'm thankful for my big guy, who's already offered to watch them all when he gets home so I can do whatever I need to do.  I'd LOVE to run.  But it's raining and I am so so tired. I may just take a bath and go to sleep.  I guess I'll be thankful for that too.