Time

I think of writing a lot.  I have moments throughout the day when I think "oh I need to remember this to jot down!" or "oh man! I wish i'd caught that on camera!".  The pressure of wanting to capture every moment, archive it forever in perfect documentation...well...it's getting to me.

Part of it?  I'm thrown.  FLOORED, by how hard, full, good, this glorious third baby of ours has made my life.

I'd gotten so used to the two. Those two precious girls of mine, their relative independence, their mostly uneediness.  Now here I am back at square one, that special, precious, amazing, time sucking place where days are swift and breaks are few.

I knew it was different this time around when I was ready to throw in the towel at the end of our trip up north, when I look in the mirror at the deep dark sink of my eyes where sparkling alive orbs used to be, when I feel my bones ache with tired every single night.

So perhaps this is what I'm supposed to remember, because gall darn, if I only remember how sweet and amazing and perfect it all feels sometimes, well, Ian and I may be in big trouble a few years down the road :o).

So snippets, yes?  It's better than nothing...

My friend Lisa just came!  All the way from Texas, to see me, my kids, play, help me out, do the most mega costco run ever.  She's my best friend.  In that the moment we met we knew we were meant to be best friends kind of way.  I often find myself wishing that she lived closer, then again, our time together is so very precious, and we're talking about a 30th birthday getaway next year, just us two.  I know we'll always have each other.  always be connected.  I'm so thankful for her in my life.

I had the best run the other night.  The best run since having Felix at least.  Just shy of 3 miles.  Ran the whole time with a strong kick at the end.  I hadn't planned on running, but the whole time I was feeding and changing and snuggling my baby boy I couldn't shake the urge. Ian was caught off guard when I asked if I could go.  Usually I'm requesting a quite bath at this time of night.  He nodded "of course" and I plunked the monitor on the counter "I think he's down!" I fibbed quickly, and ran.  I came home to a very awake Felix in Ian's arms, the girls clean as whistles and ready for bed.  I am thankful for so many things in my life.  My man, who always says yes to me, no matter what the cost to him, is perhaps the one I am most thankful for.

I really should have a smartphone.  My free At&t phone is pretty pathetic and I feel like I miss out on so much by not really texting or messaging EVER.  Plus I took NO photos from my few days with Lisa.  Not one.  Thankfully she and her iphone got quite a few good ones.  Technology saves the day!  Ah technology.  Someday you and I will see eye to eye.

While I know it's only the end of July and we have over a month before the girls start school I am starting to panic a bit about all that August holds.  Traveling, weddings, birthdays, school get togethers.  Thankfully I at least have all of the making for the events mapped out (oooh baby bow ties!!!!).  One step at a time.

MY sister and family stayed with us overnight this weekend.  We had fun, the kids LOVE each other.  I am sad that our little house and hectic life can't accommodate them, and other families, for longer.  Someday.

Ian got a grant at work.  This is very exciting.  It could mean two more years here.  I still feel so torn about that.  I not so secretly fell in love with Duluth when we visited last Christmas.  I would LOVE to settle in Duluth.  I'm not so sure how a neuroscientist/bio statistician would find work there though.  Far too many nights have found me on zillow searching just for fun. Ah! So many perfect amazing places there.  I'm sure it will all work out in the end.

Ainsley, Ainsley May.  Closer to 5 than 4.  Reading and writing little bits, so imaginative and indepedent.  Our struggles are left and our fun and understandings are more.  I love her so much.

My middle girl Louise. She's had a few rough spots here and there since Felix was born.  Never any malice towards him, but some baby talk, some whining, some frustrations with how full mommy's hands seem to be at any given moment.  Things are getting better though.  A little one on one attention goes a long way.  And those curls? those cheeks?  that soft little body?  Well, it's hard to stay annoyed for long.

And Felix boy, solidly in his thrid month of life he's waking up more every day.  The girls are absolutely smitten, wanting to play with him all the time.  Now that he's laughing they like to see who can make him laugh the most.  Ainsley in particular loves this game.  His only fault so far is that he likes to be held, by me, ALL the time.  he's still happy on his playmat for a bit but if he knows I'm near he wants me to hold him.  While it can make being efficient tricky I try to remind myself that this time of holding and snuggling is so fleeting and precious.  Once he's on the move it will be a bit before he'll want those holds again.

So we're good.  Feeling a bit more in limbo than I'd like, but I'm learning that's just this time of life with little people to raise, new school and friends every year.  Like vertigo in a moving car I try to keep my eyes on the unmoving parts, the steady bits.  Right now our family is whole and happy, our home is sound and calm, our lives and full and good.  all those little bits can jump around as they please I guess.  I'm just trying to keep my eyes forward, and all around me at the same time.  Time, it's moving these days!

P.S. My goal is to at least keep my ipod with me to catch more moments.  I'll post those soon if I can. I so want to!